Chapter 28
The rest of the time at that lake was pretty awkward. My canteen and my storage scroll had been destroyed in the blast. I was left to try and heal normally which confused Sakura since I needed her to try to heal me for the first time. There was enough damage that she could only do so much. Every time Naruto would look in my direction between his times of looking after the kid his gaze was riddled with sadness and betrayal. I knew I deserved it. I was reporting his whereabouts to the Akatsuki and lying to him about it. The only thing that kept him from freaking out was when Kakashi explained I had saved Sai. The moment those words came out he didn't yell at me. He didn't scream. Just simply asked. -"Why? Why the Akatsuki?"- With that one question everyone had fallen silent and all eyes were on me. Closing my eyes I wrap my arms around my legs to keep myself from leaning against the wall or laying on the floor. Knowing it would only cause the immense pain to become worse.
I remember the look of pain in his bright blue eyes as he watched me. Waiting for my answer. When I didn't say anything right away his hands clenched into fists. He raised his voice a bit and asked again. "Why the Akatsuki?!" Since opening up to Sai out on the water. I have yet to be able to show any of the self-assurance I had been able to openly portray previously. I wondered quietly what I could tell him that would not only explain my reasons but also alleviate his pain. It was at that moment I realized. I couldn't make him feel better about any of this. My very reasons would cut him deeper than any blade. And yet even as I stood there in silence everyone continued to watch me. Waiting for me to say something if just anything. "Why not?" I responded with a sigh. "I wish I could say I did it for the strength they could teach me. I wish I could say I inevitably joined them by my own will. My ultimatum. Was join them or die. That is why I joined them at first. I wanted to live even when everything in my life was so miserably wrong. I stuck with them because they helped me learn more about myself than Aphrodite had ever shed light on. Why did I continue to follow them to this point? Why wouldn't I? They were the only ones in this world that had refused to turn their backs on me."
I turned away from his gaze if only so I wouldn't see what they would show next. "Before you scream and yell claiming you had always had my back. You didn't. You were just a child then. All you cared about was who was stronger. You didn't even care that during our time in the academy I was whispering to you encouraging words. That I tried to befriend you in my own way. You saw me as you always have. Ill-tempered and a loner. You couldn't tell that I didn't actually hate anyone. It's just the light everyone in the academy shined on me so I decided why fight it? Why try to make friends with people that didn't want to be my friend? Even in team 7, all you cared about was out doing Sasuke, you would yell at me periodically or just ignore me. No one was any different so I can't fault you for that. Think to yourself. Why did I come up missing and no one notice? Simple, unlike everyone else in the village. I had only one friend, Sasuke, and he was so consumed with his own ambitions he couldn't even notice. It's not like it was the first time either. Who could possibly blindly believe I had hurt myself in training so severely someone who heals as rapidly as I do had to be hospitalized? So why not accept my fate and build a life amongst the Akatsuki? The only part of my story I told the leaf that was a lie. Were two things. I didn't leave the Akatsuki and I didn't try to escape. Why would I? I had no reason to return at the time. There was nothing for me here so why risk my life to come back?"
"I'm, sorry." He spoke barely audibly before I walked away from him and found my spot near the balcony. Away from everyone, only one thought lingered in my mind that began to confuse the hell out of me. In the anime, I remember Naruto was always quick to forgive. But right now, he is having a difficult time. What about my inhuman curse? The one where guys fall in love with me even when I don't want them to. The curse that all I had to do in the death note world is say one sentence to a group of CEOs to get them to relax and trust the weirdness that was going on around them? Is there something wrong with me?-
Sometime in the hours before dawn I watched the kid take off outside. He slipped out so quietly that hardly anyone even stirred. Even then, the ones that were awake didn't notice him. They were taking turns watching for enemies. Guarding everyone as they slept. Even though their orders were not given loud enough for me to hear I knew part of their orders were to keep an eye on me. I can't blame them. I did return the first time under false pretenses. How are they to know I'm not trying to play them again? Sighing I reach up ignoring how Kakashi's eye from a few feet away from me seemed to peek open. Attempting to look like he was sound asleep. Reaching up I undo the fastenings of my jacket and slowly let the remnants fall off my all too pain-filled body. Slowly standing I fight the whimper that choked in my throat before moving practically inching my way to the balcony. After opening the door I step out and lean forward against the wooden railing. The cool wind brushing over my skin had me closing my eyes as it stings against my back. Further reminding me that Sakura was able to stop the bleeding and fix some of the damage but I was still very much hurt.
"Usually by now, you would have healed." His cool voice wafts around me meeting my ears with both a gentleness and wariness to it. "Usually I have my canteen or blood packs but they were damaged in the explosion." I admit quietly careful, not to wake anyone inside up. "I see." He says simply nearly making me flinch. Instead, I sigh and look out towards the darkened trees around us. "That isn't all you wanted to say, Kakashi." I point out to him this time making him sigh as he steps up from behind me towards the railing at my right. "What makes this time different?" He suddenly asks as he watches me from the corner of his eye. "To be honest." I start as I stand up straight and go to move back inside. "You." I mutter causing him to turn watching me so I stop just outside the door. "Me?" He asks his thought aloud absentmindedly.
"For example, when I became incapacitated by the bat sonar. You watched over me until I was over the effects. Afterward, your orders were designed to keep it from happening again as if you were looking out for me. You couldn't hide the worry in your tone from me when I took on the big guy who initially tried to attack you. You even went back to the lake to look for me after the tsunami and went so far as to carry me back to camp. From this, I do not doubt that it was you who ordered Sai to fly over the lake. You may think these are easy to pass off as your job as team leader but you should know. It's not as common as you think." Pausing I think about the past three years. All of my training. The jobs I went on. My interactions with the other members of the Akatsuki. They were like friends to me but I always had to have my guard up since I knew most of them would try to kill me without a moment's notice. They would come looking for me if I was late but I more think that was to ensure their own success rather than my safety. Even then, if I was injured it was up to me to make it back on my own strength. "I know I betrayed your trust with the boy. For that I am sorry."
As I went to walk inside a firm hand catches my left wrist keeping me from walking away. Looking over my shoulder in his direction my eyes widen against my will seeing the gentleness in his gaze. With a light pull, I am tugged back to him so I was now standing in front of him. My face mere inches from his vest. When he leans forward, his arms gently slide around me and I couldn't help the quiet hiss in his ear as his hands brush over my back. "If you have truly abandoned the Akatsuki. Then you haven't betrayed my trust." His voice rang quieter than a whisper into my ear. The heat from his breath leaves his mask and brushes against my skin causing goosebumps over my body. I found my arms reaching up and my fingers curling into the fabric of his vest at his sides. The thrum of my own blood lust building in my throat. " ..." I found myself stammering as I try to fight just to speak. "I... I'm injured with no blood on hand... You.. need... to.. let..go.." Please before I lose control. I had wanted to say but his arms just tightened painfully around me. "If you need it. Do it." With those words, my eyes widen as my heart hammers in my chest. In this world. There has only been one person who freely offered himself like this to me to make a total of only four men my entire life.
Closing my eyes I move my left hand up. Lightly hooking the collar of his vest with my thumb and pulling it from his neck. I can already feel my fangs thrum anticipating the warm sweet substance buried beneath the skin. As I feel his neck brush the tip of my fangs I found myself hesitating. Opening my eyes I lift my head away from him. "I don't want to hurt you." I breathe quietly before simply brushing my lips against the soft curve of his neck and pulling away from him. As I try to walk away his arms come around me again. This time holding me in place with my back painfully against his vest. "You won't." He says huskily nearly making my eyes close. My grip on my restraint beginning to wane. "Here is a little story for you." I breathe trying to pull my mind away from my thirst as my voice threatens to leave me. "There was once a seventeen-year-old girl who had nothing better to do than watch animated drawings on her computer. Without the love of her family, and with the lack of anyone to talk to. This girl had grown accustomed to the silence. With only her dreams to keep her from going insane. One day she found herself in one of her shows. She was suddenly accompanied by a boy that beforehand she used to watch on her computer. It only took a couple of days for him to proclaim his love for her. Feeling the same and being overwhelmed with the emotion she seen in his gaze she accepted it without hesitation. As time passed she remained ignorant. Everyone, she put herself around trusted her without reason. All she had to do was speak or smile to put their worries at ease. She still didn't question it. She never wondered why everyone took to her so quickly without a problem. She never had to work at earning someone's trust because it was automatic. Even though it annoyed her to no end there was even a girl that was so enthralled with her that she could easily manipulate her and the girl would do anything she had ordered her to. This same girl fell into a coma but when she woke. The very boy who had won her heart was nowhere to be found. He had moved on. This had hurt more than she imagined and finally, she had begun to ask questions. If his love was pure as it seemed to be, if it was as strong as she had thought then how could he simply move on?" I continued feeling Kakashi's arms tighten around me. He remained silent as if waiting for me to continue.
Looking up at the sky my eyes find the moon as the emotions of the other world come rushing back. A single tear slipping from my eye as I think about Light. "When she and him had come face to face again it was as if a switch flipped inside of him. The love she had known came back to the surface and as he held her in his arms she no longer cared about what had happened. The questions that had risen buried once again. She took his child and claimed him as her own. Raised him and loved him as deeply as she believed a mother should. It wasn't until the one she loved died that she had questioned her life with him again. Now understanding that there was simply something about her that drew people in against their will. That the boy she had loved was only with her because of something she could only describe as a curse. That when he strayed and went on with his life was only because she was no longer around so that the.. magic. would continue to control him. She hated herself. Blaming herself for stealing his life away from him and yet she had truly loved him. Without knowing what causes this unnatural attraction she didn't want to get close to anyone again."
"But shortly after returning to pick back up on her solitary life at her family home in her own world. She was thrown into yet another one of her shows she used to watch forty years prior but this time as a child. It didn't take her long to figure out that whatever force made people trust and love her was gone. As a child, she simply didn't have it. For the first time, she was free. The only thing she had to fear was losing someone that she herself would grow to care about. But without the magical factor, her life was far from pleasant. Mistrust bred contempt. Enough so she was tortured simply because they didn't believe her. Until one day they tried to infiltrate her mind for the answers. At that point, one of them came face to face with the real her. Nearly automatically he trusted her. Believed everything she had told him. When she woke up she was in the hospital being treated for injuries they had inflicted. It was at that point she realized whatever power it is that she hated so desperately would come back the moment she was either of age or she could break the spell on her form. To break it she needed to be stronger. Desperately wanting an easy life again where she didn't have to constantly fight against people she should trust, she delved into books searching for her answers."
"It was in that time two powerful criminals took her to their base. She didn't dare fight back. She knew they would overpower her. And when she came face to face with their leader she realized how close she was to death. Unlike when she would protect those around her previously she didn't have a surge of adrenaline to fight without caring if she would die or not. Self-preservation finally took root so she told the man anything she knew he wanted to hear. Desperate to make him trust her even though his gaze said otherwise. It took a month after that for her to finally break the spell. She was herself again. And with it. She wasn't scared. The leader trusted her. The two she was mostly around loved her. Even Hidan in his own twisted way cared for her. She knew that where she was at even though she had what she wanted, their trust would only go so far. When a person they trusted to have their backs in a fight could easily be turned on and killed."
"She hated it. They killed so easily and it disgusted her. But she was finally safe. Safe with someone who had fallen for her much like the boy in the world before. Safe with someone who sees her like a little sister. Safe with a leader who openly showed everyone that he would kill them if they touched her in any way. She had her protectors but that building guilt of a curse for a power that had taken away their free will grew again. She wanted to get away from them. To save them from a fate that wasn't their own. Instead, she buried her guilt and continued on. Until she was sent back to the place that carries with it all of the pain she had wanted to forget. Like she knew it would once she returned everything was different."
"People were trusting her like they never had. They wanted to be with her, spend time with her in a world of light where all she has come to know is darkness. For the first time in years, she wanted to forget the power that draws people to her. She didn't even want to think about it. She just wanted to accept things as they were so she could be happy. And she found it. She was finally able to smile openly, to laugh without restraint or faking it. All the pain of her past was slipping away. Until she came face to face with the very people she had spent three years with. She was crushed with a difficult decision. Help the ones that had brightened her world and lightened her heart. Or help the ones who were among the first to accept and trust her in this world. To her, this felt like a decision choosing between those who had become family to her and the ones who offered her a path she dearly wanted. In the end, she had thought to betray them both. So she could keep one foot on either side." I couldn't help but suck in a breath. Raising my hands hesitantly up and resting them on Kakashi's arms.
"The girl was naive to think it was that simple. The look of betrayal from one side cut her deep enough it wasn't even clouded over by the approval she had gained from the other side. She knew what she had done but she wanted to ignore it. Telling herself she had to. That it was part of her mission just to make it easier. The life of feeling relatively safe was gone. And then she was sent off again. She was on edge watching those around her as if they were going to turn on her as quickly as she had turned on her family. But it never came. They accepted her, she was a part of them bringing about the thoughts once again that it was the curse of a power she had. She began again debating if she should be okay with it. When she had thought she finally decided to not care about it she found herself face to face with a man who had always had her respect. His touch brought a profound pain that burned deep within her heart. She couldn't curse him. She would rather die than let him lose his free will. So she walked away. Saddened by what was happening and realizing she could never be okay with it. She wanted to leave to spare him but she wanted to stay and feel the emotions that had eluded her for so many years. She didn't want to be selfish and yet she selfishly wanted it. So she chose to leave. For the first time, she chose to condemn herself for another. To suffer a lonely existence. But then she heard something that both hurt her and filled her with relief. He didn't fully trust her. He expected her to betray him. With those words, her resolve fell apart. She questioned if he was under her spell or not. If he wasn't then what made him so different? Instead of feeling pain from realizing she had been fooled. She was happy and for the first time in a long time, she was given hope."
I couldn't help but look down at my feet before slipping away from Kakashi who's hold had slackened while I had been speaking. Going against the screaming protests of my body I jump off of the balcony and up onto the roof. Leaving him standing there alone and in silence. I had finally told him almost everything I wanted to but yet the weight in my chest wouldn't ease up. Sitting on the roof I tried to look up at the moon but the sudden flow of tears blurred my vision. I don't know why I'm crying but the tears just wouldn't stop. So I found myself covering my face with my hands and silently letting them flow. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. Knowing I very well could be locked up for what I have done or even killed. At the moment, I didn't care what happened to me. As the tears cease I wipe my eyes with my arm and look up at the brightening sky. What I do know, is I want to keep these people in the light away from the darkness. I want to make sure that Naruto would be able to smile again like an idiot no longer weighed down with the burdens he has taken onto his shoulders. To see to it that the world isn't decimated with death and violence but also to make sure they are protected against the true danger that is out there biding his time. "If I am to die. I will tell them everything so they are ready." I say quietly to myself if only to solidify my resolve.
