The next day I was consumed by doubt. I couldn't sleep at all even if the damage I had sustained left me exhausted. I was driven by a lingering hum in my veins the entire evening. If that wasn't enough to keep me awake, the sight of Kakashi asleep on my armchair on the other side of my bedroom was. He had situated himself and the chair so that he could glance in my direction at any time without moving. His legs were over one arm as his back rested against the other. His head settled against the back of the chair in a partially relaxed pose. I still couldn't tell if he stayed the night because he was still worried about me or if he wanted to make sure I didn't lose myself and go kill someone. Either way, the entire ordeal was confusing.
Even then at some point before morning I had found myself standing above him thinking about tasting him. Rubbing my face I set down the groceries I had decided to go get the moment the shops opened this morning. The only thing that had stopped me was how tired he actually looked. When he was awake he never let on about his exhaustion but while asleep. I could finally notice the purpling bags of sleep deprivation against the moonlight shining through my window. It looked as if he hasn't gotten a decent night's sleep in a long time. Which when I thought about it I could see it. When we left for our mission to track down Orochimaru's hideout, he was usually the one on watch awake. Even when we were coming back after the Akatsuki took the three tails he stayed awake with me. It was my rush against time that forced him back out of the village again, right after we got back. The guilt I felt somehow overpowered the practically vibrating drive inside me to bite him. So, I left him alone and sat there silently near the chair watching him sleep along with the moon in the sky.
Pulling out the cookware, utensils, plates, and cups I situate the pans on the stove and the rest of the dishes on the counter. Making sure everything was in place before pulling the food out of their bags. It's been years since I last prepared a meal in my own home. The thought had me pausing momentarily as I cut the vegetables. "The last time I had done this.. was for Light and Taiyo." I whisper quietly to myself as I watch the knife I am using slice through the bell forcing myself to focus on the task at hand instead of letting myself fall back into that pit. "Who's Taiyo?" His hesitant question meets my ears ever before he comes through the door of the kitchen. I found myself biting my lip as I crack the eggs into a bowl before I pick it up and begin to whisk it. "My son." I answer more rushed than I had hoped as I turn my back on the man in my kitchen. "Your.." He begins only pausing when I find myself shaking my head. I already told him I took Light's son as my own. But it seems there are different aspects of my story he keeps overlooking. I nearly sigh before I bite my lip to prevent it. "He was actually Light's and Misa's son, but I took him as my own and raised him after his mother died when he wasn't even a day old."
"That's... difficult." He breathes almost as if those weren't exactly the words he had wanted to choose. Pouring the eggs into the pan I wait a minute watching the layer becoming light and fluffy with still the lingering gooey on top before grabbing the ingredients and coating the eggs with the bells, onions, and mushrooms. "Not really. I didn't like the girl, she had taken Light from me when I had needed him most." I spout off as my voice loses the fleeting emotions again nearly making me frown. "Did..." He begins as I hear him step up to the counter behind me. I knew what he wanted to ask. Did I do it? "It wouldn't be like you." He mutters more to himself nearly causing me to glance in his direction as I roll the omelet. He obviously doesn't know me. Sliding it onto one of the brand new plates I click off the stove and turn towards him. His conflicted gaze moving from me down to the food I had prepared, almost skeptically. "I used to cook all the time. It won't eat you."
Lightly chuckling he reaches out and takes the plate I offered him. "We'll see." He states almost playfully as he grabs a fork I had on the counter and walks to the table. "I did." I mutter watching as his movements pause. Turning away from him I decide to work on cleaning and putting things away. "I killed her in a way Light wouldn't know it was me." I speak out as I turn on the faucet. "It was the first lie I ever told him. He asked me outright if I killed her and I lied to him so easily." Feeling his gaze on my back I fall silent as I clean what I had dirtied when I cooked him breakfast. "I've never told anyone that." I sigh as I dry them, putting them away as I go. "Why me?" His question catches me by surprise as I turn and see him sitting at the table, the food I had made him already vanished from sight. "I've always trusted you." I remind him before I walk up to the island counter and set my hands on the countertop allowing my hair I left down to flow past my face and onto the counter surface. Lowering my gaze from him. "That's a lie." I sigh. "You actually care, not because of a curse or spell. It's your own feelings. I guess... I thought maybe it was time for you to know who I am and what I've done."
"You aren't the only one with blood on their hands." His voice came low as I feel him suddenly come up behind me ever before I see his hands setting next to mine as he leans over me. The heat radiating off of his body reaches my back. "I know, ex Anbu captain of the Assassination squad." I mutter out only to hear his breath catch as if he had forgotten how much I really know. It's time. I thought to myself and I'm not even sure why the thought had come to me, as I slowly stand up straight and slip from between him and the counter. I find myself taking his hand lightly and I guide him behind me back to my room. Once I enter my domain I release him and go to the closet retrieving my old bag from the corner of it. I move to my bed all the while feeling his eyes on my back. After emptying the contents of my bag I pick up the black notebook and turn to him. "In the other world. This... is how I killed people. All I needed to do was picture my target's face in my mind as I wrote their name down. I could even write how I wanted them to die and the exact date and time. If it was something they would have done themselves I could even control what they did leading up to their death."
Kakashi silently takes the book and opens it, reading through some of what I had written on one page. "I've killed more people than you could imagine. Not all of them from a distance either, some I killed right in front of me. It all depended on what I needed to do in order to complete my plan."
"Do you think you are still capable of being the killer you once were?" He asks as he closes the book and hands it back to me. I couldn't help but frown as I watch him. "Aren't you?" I ask in return tilting my head as I watch his eye widen momentarily. "I suppose I am." He mutters and I turn away from him putting things back into my bag. "Once someone allows themselves to become numb to the killing of others. No matter what they do afterward they can always do it again. Sometimes it could take more work to kill since you would have to bury your own emotions all over again. But you still can do it." I pause thinking about what I was saying. Now doubting if I should be telling him this and questioning why I am even telling him. It's not something that is necessary for him to know.
"Before I was taken by the Akatsuki, I myself had begun to wonder if I could kill again, or if I was capable of killing someone with my own hands rather than writing down their names. During the land of waves, I chose to cast aside my inhibitions on the matter and moved in to kill Haku in order to save Sasuke. It wasn't easy and even when he was coming right at me I was still debating if I could do it. But I braced myself and decided it was necessary. Then, when the sand and Sound attacked. It was like something snapped inside of me. I killed, and I enjoyed it, for the first time in twenty years. My first mark with the Akatsuki was with Hidan and Kakuzu. I found when they were criminals it was easier to cast myself aside but when they were innocent in my book. It was much more difficult. I completed the mission but I didn't like it. Even then I realized I was still able to take their lives with very little hesitation." Zipping my bag closed once everything was back inside I turn to look at Kakashi's gaze. "It helped when Fishface explained to me that it's not like the mark had clean hands. He said everyone in this world, if they are a ninja. At one time or another has killed someone else and the ones that make it into their bingo book were the worse ones out of all of them. That they killed more than one or two people in their time." Stepping forward in the silence I look away from his gaze. Pausing next to him I nearly sigh wondering if I was actually trying to make him hate me. "Even when I went to retrieve Itachi to bring him to the hideout. I let Fishface continue what they were doing. I knew he was going after the four tails but it never crossed my mind to stop him."
"Why not?" He asks almost as if he was already regretting the answer I was going to give him. "Simply because, the girl I let you know the moment I saw you in the trees the day I had been thrown into this world. Was never who I really am."
"You were always rather emotionless." He chuckles shaking his head a bit and I give him a slight tilt of my head. "But to say you don't care if anyone lives or dies, that is a lie you keep telling yourself. You do care, more than you want to admit.." This time, I find myself sighing. "Then I'll explain." And I tried, I told him about how my emotions come and go even without my realizing it. I tried to explain how difficult it is for me to really care about who lives and dies and that even though I knew the four tails would inevitably die, I slipped up. I didn't stop to think if it should matter to me. I reminded him of my knowledge of this world. Again I reminded him there are only three people in this world I truly care about what happens to them. Even then I told him to look at what Sasuke has been through and again pointed out that I could have prevented it, but I didn't. "Maybe that's the extent of my emotional capacity.." I found myself muttering at the thought of what I had just told him.
Looking down I move away from him and walk towards my window letting the sunlight touch my skin. "When I was in the other world. I found only one person I truly wanted to protect. A couple of others I saved and let live because of my own selfish reasons. Just as the entire time I was staying three steps ahead of my enemies I didn't care about what I did or who I killed in the process. The fact that it was me who came up with the elaborate plot for Misa to take her shinigami and kill every child inside of whammy house, an orphanage, to prevent any successors that would inevitably kill Light. I spared Lucien, not because I had grown to like him during the time I had lost my memory but simply because I didn't know if there were any more successors out there to pick up where he left off. I spared him simply for Light's benefit. When Light and I had created the world of his dreams I never looked back to decide if I felt anything at all about killing so many people. It was unnecessary to do so. Not once did I wonder what Lucian was up to, nor did I care. In the end, Light prepared Taiyo to take up the actions of God and before I left I gave him Light's notebook so he could do just that. I didn't worry about what it would do to him or how killing others would change him, it was Light's wish for Taiyo and so I did it, nothing more. Then I went home, leaving Taiyo and his own family behind as if he or my grandchildren weren't reason enough to stay. And they weren't. I cared about them yes, but not enough. All I cared about, was Light died and to me and what emotions I had, left with him. There was nothing for me anymore."
"You still saved them. There was a reason for that, Kira. You do care." Folding my hands behind my back I turn just enough to look at Kakashi who's gaze was now on the floor. "I never said that I don't have emotions, just I don't care in a way that you would think. As team seven I thought about killing Sakura more times than I could count. Mostly it was whenever her unhealthy belief of Sasuke belonging to her would rear its ugly head towards me." Well... if I'm trying to make him hate me I might as well go all out. I told myself and nearly bit my lip. "Even in the forest of death, I had a thought to just leave her be and see if she would get killed." I answer him drawing his gaze back up to me. His soft onyx eye wavering ever so slightly. "Kira." He sighs and walks up to me keeping our gazes locked. "Don't forget about all of the times that you did want to protect someone." He speaks gently even as I turn back to the window. I find myself looking away from him biting my bottom lip before sighing with a nod. "In the forest of death, Sasuke told me I had a reason to live and I ignored him. As far as I could see, if I couldn't do the impossible and find a way to stop time I didn't have a reason to live. Then he told me not to die for him, and to stop protecting him all of the time." And for the first time, I told him about the vision I had when Orochimaru had knocked me unconscious. The vision of Light that told me to be the woman he fell in love with. The vision reminded me that if I was weak he would have used me and tossed me aside like Misa as just another pawn.
I told him how I fought Orochimaru and admitted that I realized then exactly how weak I was. So that the only thing I could do was time the exact moment when he was going to mark Sasuke and blocked him. "I failed. I went against Sasuke's wishes and grasped onto the emotion literally burning inside me but I still failed." Closing my eyes a moment I found myself smiling. "Emotions were steadily growing inside of me and I wasn't sure if I was okay with that. It felt like I was leaving Light behind and moving on with a life that was meant to be with him. I began to not care. I wanted to be with You, Sasuke, and Naruto. I wanted to live my life here and not in the past. But after the old man had me tortured, I thought about killing him." I admit drawing his gaze back to me. "I probably would have too but I knew he was going to die anyway. After that, I began to wonder if I could really feel anything anymore. The emotions I had felt were leaving me again, but then the day came and I heard Itachi's voice next to the river. I fought alongside you to catch their attention and keep you from being trapped in his Tsukuyomi. I failed again. To be honest, by the time Itachi and Kisame came back to get me, I was beaten. All I could think about was how weak I was and how pathetic I turned out to be. That I would never get Light back or be able to protect anyone I cared about. I was truly pitiful but it was the first bit of real emotion I had felt since Light died. It wasn't a fleeting emotion, it was intense and it was taking me over. I was falling into darkness and I couldn't claw my way out of it. I even thought about how Naruto had Jiraiya, Sasuke had you, Sakura would have Tsunade, and the only person that had wanted to help me was possibly the person holding me back. I wanted power bad enough I would have done anything to get it." I glance over my shoulder to him and catch his gaze a moment before looking away again. "To this day, I don't know if it's the curse mark talking or if it's what I really feel."
"What do you mean?" He asks as I feel his hands rest on my shoulders. Probably a way of trying to comfort me. I thought to myself. "Even now when I can't do something even though I've been holding back. It screams at me. Telling me how weak I am. Telling me nothing has changed. It screamed at me like that even when I was taken to the Akatsuki and I told Pein what he wanted to hear. To be honest, I didn't care if he killed me or not, that wasn't the problem at all. I agreed willingly to join the organization and asked for things in return. I wanted power and the easiest way to do that was to figure out more about myself. I didn't really expect Pein to have the other members train me but I welcomed it."
"What have you lied about?" Kakashi suddenly asks causing me to stiffen. He still knew I've been lying? But how? I thought I quelled his curiosity on this subject. Sighing I look down as I begin to explain everything to him. From training under them to getting into arguments with them. How I lived with them in the hidden rain and especially how I really was going to bite Naruto the first time I seen them again. Also how I didn't want to come back when Pein had told me Obito's plan to send me to the leaf. I even told him my true mission. That I wasn't just supposed to watch Naruto and relay his whereabouts to them, but that I was suppose to bring Naruto to them when the time came to seal the ninetails. With this, I feel Kakashi's hands tense on my shoulders as I could hear his heartbeat pick up. I then explained the situation with Hidan and Kakuzu. That I wasn't actually torn with my loyalties I was worried about Hidan's big mouth revealing my purpose in the village. "Asuma was supposed to die and I found myself caught up in that idiotic weakness of mine about family. So I saved him even though there stood a chance that team Asuma wouldn't go after Hidan for revenge. It left an uncertainty that I didn't like." Sighing again I unfold my hands and reach up to touch the cool glass of the window.
"Choosing to tell Tsunade about the Uchiha was a whim. I didn't think too much about it at first and figured it could only benefit for me to use her. It wasn't until the mission to locate Orochimaru's hideout that emotions began to bother me again. Even then, it wasn't until we were outside of that cave that I was hit with them. I had to walk away from you at that time. I thought about kissing you and very nearly did." Smiling I close my eyes hearing Kakashi's sudden intake of breath as if he himself thought I was going to kiss him at the time but he didn't want to be wrong about it either. "I thought about how you were probably already caught up in my spell and how I could use it to my advantage. But when I found myself about to kiss you I realized I was being selfish and I didn't want that at all. I didn't want you caught in my spell let alone use you. So I walked away from you as I silently questioned why I would even care. As far as I was concerned you were more worried about Sasuke leaving the village than my disappearance. That no matter what anyone said, your true emotions were to me, you didn't care. And then I found that thought hurt more than it should. I needed to get away from you not just because you were under my spell and I didn't want to use you, but because it only reminded me how alone I actually was. But then when I saw the Tsunami heading straight for you. I found myself jumping in to try and get you to safety and I ended up crushed underneath a tree. I wondered how I was going to get free or if I should just wait for help I didn't think would actually come. You surprised me when you did come for me. When you picked me up I couldn't help but wonder why and your primal scent.." I found myself biting my lip to stop myself there.
"Anyway. I told Pein about the three tails by using the mind link jutsu. He gave me my orders and I intended to follow them. I pushed away any thoughts about you and prepared myself for if I had to fight you. But when I was taking the boy back to Yamato's building Obito was already watching the lake. He gave me new orders and I obeyed. Not out of fear like I told you. To fear someone like him you'd have to be afraid to die. No, I obeyed because I was an Akatsuki that knew who the real leader of the organization was. I sat on that clay bird off the cliff cussing Deidara out and watching the three tails shoot chakra spheres at the area around the lake below. When it was done, more out of habit than anything I reached out with the true extent of my chakra blanket to see if there was anyone in our way to the lake. Then my stomach turned at a thought as I wondered how many survived. So I counted the movement and breaths. I didn't know why I was worried but I brushed off that feeling and I instructed Obito and Deidara that you guys were at Yamato's cabin injured and exhausted leaving the three tails hurt and spent, free in the lake. Then Deidara flew him and I down to the lake and assaulted the three tails. Obito playing the fool as usual forced Deidara's hand to save him and by doing so he knocked the three tails unconscious. I had just finished yelling at Deidara again for not letting me down and he started making the bird do barrel rolls in the air to teach me a lesson when Sai came up. When Sai reached out for me my heart hammered in my chest. I was left with a decision, go with Sai or stay. Then Deidara rolled me again and I decided I would rather go with Sai."
Turning away from the window I ignore how my chest was nearly touching Kakashi from how close he was behind me. His gaze holding warring emotions. Probably because I am still here and not with the Akatsuki even though I had just admitted I only turned to Sai because Deidara was toying with my fear of heights. "I didn't lie, however, when I noticed Deidara moving in for the kill I put myself between Sai and the bombs by grabbing onto him. Letting the bombs damage my back and send us spiraling through the air. I used the momentum so I would take the impact of the water, and fought to get the unconscious boy to the surface, but he woke up and made it easier on me even just a little bit. By doing so I did betray Obito. From my single whim of saving Sai, I was left with nowhere to run. If I even did manage to move fast enough to catch up, Obito would be pissed and Deidara would definitely give me a fight I was too injured to defend against. On the other hand, I bet the little boy had told you about me leaving him with the Akatsuki and that you knew I had betrayed you. I found myself at a crossroads that could end with my death either way I turned. I knew that with my curse you wouldn't care or even see the betrayal for what it was and would simply trust I did what I thought was right. But then, Sai told me you knew. This whole time you knew, I was still with the Akatsuki. You knew I betrayed you. You have no idea how happy that made me and it made me second guess the thoughts I had in front of that cave. That maybe, your emotions were actually yours. So when I saw you. I spouted off without thinking and gave you Kakuzu's ring if only to help ease the tension." I found myself pausing and diverting my eyes away from him. "Sue me, my grand master plan was never a plan at all. just whims." And the fact.. it wasn't until I saved Sai that my memories of this world came flooding back. As if something broke inside me and what was once hazy and unclear became like crystal. I still don't remember everything. But I remember so much more than I had.
This time he hooks my chin between two of his fingers as he guides my eyes back to him. "So far with everything you've told me, Kira. You aren't as emotionless as you want to seem. You're hurting, even now. So you tried to push me away with information about yourself. You have also finally decided to start telling me the truth. Not because it's rational or the next logical step to take. Because you wanted to." I found my eyes widening to his words, he's.. right. He's absolutely right. "Now, I don't know what happened between you and Itachi or even you and Sasuke. I do know what happened and is happening between us. Either way, none of it would be possible for someone who couldn't feel." Reaching up I curl my fingers around his hand and gently guide his fingers away from my chin. A pang of newfound guilt inside of me at his words makes me want to step away from him. "Itachi was set to die at the hands of his brother. From the very beginning, he knew what he had planned would come to fruition. He used me to help ease his pain. I used him to ease my loneliness. It was a mutual, unspoken relationship. One where love had no place. We could go our separate ways at any time and it wouldn't matter. As for Sasuke. Sasuke was a friend. It wasn't until after I killed Orochimaru did I know what he meant in the forest of death. When he said I have a reason to live was him confessing to me. Sasuke kissed me before he let me leave to get Itachi. A kiss that still has these mixed emotions inside of me."
Kakashi's smile wrinkles his mask as he looks down at me even though the emotions in his gaze were only of pain. What could he think of me now? Does he hate me, or accept me. Will he walk away or will he wait for me? These questions continue to run through my mind as I stare into his gaze. It isn't like Kakashi to decide one way or the other when it comes to things like this. I know this, just like when he apologized to me right before he kissed me. He knew about Itachi and Sasuke and felt like he was being selfish as if he was doing something wrong. "There is one thing I do not understand." Kakashi's breathy voice reaches me causing me to meet his gaze again. "I have noticed that every time you are injured or haven't drank in a certain amount of time that you pull a canteen from your pouch. Why were you, drinking from Aphrodite last night?" My eyes widen as I watch him closely, wondering if he was being serious or not, and for an instant, I thought about lying. But like the rest of this day, it's like I don't have a filter. "It's a bit difficult to explain." I mutter and look away from him just before moving around him and setting down on the side of my bed. Folding my hands in my lap I look down at them as I try to form any coherent words to explain last night. "She says I needed to know the difference between me and humans. She also said I needed to know the difference in the taste of their blood and ours. She said something about how I try to act more human than what I am." As I tell him this I found my voice getting quieter with each passing word. "I didn't want to but there was something about her blood when she cut her neck open that took my free will from me. I tried to get myself to stop, I kept screaming at myself but my body wouldn't listen. There was nothing I could do but watch as I was killing her."
It was then a sudden pair of arms slip around me, his chest pressing hard enough against me I found myself falling back onto my bed bringing him with me. Words I knew he wanted to say being spoken openly through the hold of his arms as he lays on his side and sifts his fingers into my hair pulling me until my head was now against his chest. It wasn't my fault. It was Aphrodite's choice from the very beginning. I didn't kill her, Kakashi had saved me from that himself. When his hand moves from around my waist and hooks my chin with his fingers, guiding my head up to look at him I didn't know what to think. His dark eye soft upon me had me raising up onto my elbow and looking down at him. The only thought running through my mind was the firey hum that ran through my body when we had kissed. The very feeling I haven't felt since the death note world. Reaching up I go to hook my finger on the edge of his mask to bring it down so I may kiss him. His dark eye wavering upon me, screaming that he wasn't sure if he should stop me or if he even wants to do this had me pausing with my actions.
With how he pulled down his mask when he had kissed me. He had done so quickly enough it was almost as if he had hoped I didn't see him completely. If I were to pull his mask even though he was making no move to stop me, I would be removing the very thing he uses to keep people at bay. The protection over his heart. Smiling softly I reach for my forehead protector causing his eye to widen. "Kira." He breathes out in disbelieve just before I pull it down over my eyes, blocking my view of him. My bed shifts as he quickly moves. One hand moves to my shoulder before I feel him push me down onto my back. Almost as if me blocking my sight told him enough. Still, even after everything that has happened between us. After all this time. I understand and respect his decision for his mask, and that spurred him forward.
His lips catch mine as I raise my hand to lightly skim my hand over his prickly face from having not shaved. The sensation was foreign to me and yet still sent shivers through my body. As if my senses had been heightened and I was feeling him more deeply than ever. Shifting myself beneath him, I wrap my legs around his hips. His tongue slips into my mouth, exploring my taste ever before finding my tongue. My fingers curl into his flak jacket as if I were trying to hold him closer to me than possible. His primal taste chases away what little thoughts I still had, mostly about my feelings for this man, how something drives me to him yet also, away from him at the same time. When his hand grips my hip I found myself smiling.
