A/N: Eh.. just bare with me.
Charmed If You Can Still Call It That: Renewed.
Episode 1: Season 9, anyone?
(Fade on black)
ROSE: (Off Screen.) Previously on Charmed if you can still call it that.
(Fade in: Lots of scenes from my previous fanfics are played out.)
ROSE: (Off Screen.) Alex did lots of good parodies but then something came into Charmed that ruined his vision and creativity.
(A tacky picture of Alyssa Milano is put on screen.)
ROSE: (Off Screen.) Shannen! He meant the other whore!
(The tacky picture is replaced by a still shot of Kaley Couco looking as retarded as usual, her maggot neck showing up off its layers. And even in a still shot this girl can't look convincing.)
ROSE: So he thought he stopped writing. But the finale and a few season three eps got his writing back. So here we are. Enjoy the show.
(Fade to black.)
SHANNEN: (Off Screen.) Worse. Prelude. Ever.
(Opening Credits. "How Soon Is Now?" plays. Shannen, Holly, Alyssa and Rose round up the main cast. There's a quick flash of Brian and Dorian. Sadly no Julian. But there's Kaley! Oh wait… ew.)
(Fade in: Halliwell living room. We join Piper and Phoebe sitting comfortably in their ridiculously pillow filled couches, in front of the TV. Phoebe is watching with sort of disinterest though since it's not a show about her. Piper looks haft interest, but her mind seems to be elsewhere. Prue enters surveying the scene.)
PRUE: You guys! What the hell are you doing?
PIPER: (Deadpans.) Watching TV.
PRUE: I can see that…
PHOEBE: (Clueless as ever.) Then why you asked?
SHANNEN: You do know that even though Charmed was cancelled we still got renewed for Charmed If You Can Still Call It That, right?
(Piper stands up and gives her patented WTF face with several I'm A Martyr overtones.)
PIPER: But we defeated the Ultimate Power!
PRUE: Oh, please. Who actually bought that the little Retard was the Great Evil of All Times?
(Piper and Phoebe look rather ashamed of themselves. As they should be for season 8. And 7 and 5 while we're at it. Leave 6 alone. Chris was there. Hmm. Chris. Anyways.)
PRUE: Now that you're done wasting your time with nothing, I think it's time we get back to basic Charmed.
(Paige walks from the foyer and into the living room with a bright perky, yet slightly twitchy smile. The core P's don't take notice of their Twitchy Lippy Bastard of a haft sister.)
PIPER: (Shaking her head.) No. No way. No how. I was a freaking doormat to you and Phoebe and I refuse to go back just so you can feel more at home since you came back from hell!
PAIGE: Guys! Guess what!
PRUE: (Walking towards Piper.) Well, you know, so much effort you put in to bring me back! If you had tried harder I wouldn't had made that deal with the Devil!
PAIGE: Come on! Guess!
PIPER: You know what? I had it with this guilt! It was five years ago, get over it! I sure as hell did!
PAIGE: Guys, it's really important!
PHOEBE: (Standing up.) I'm going to go have sex with Coop.
(Phoebe exits and Paige pouts sadly at the lack of attention she's getting. Piper and Prue are now circling each other.)
PIPER: You know, I hit the freaking wall too! And did you hear me complaining!
PRUE: It was kinda hard, what with being DEAD and all!
PIPER: Well, maybe if you didn't have such a fucking hero complex you would've used your freaking powers instead of lunging yourself to Shax's way
PAIGE: (Trying to cut in again.) Speaking of Shax!
PRUE: Hey, I save the guy's life! Where were your freaking powers, huh? I didn't see you freezing or blowing him up!
(Leo walks out with Tiny Gay Chris in his hand. The Dead Eyed Psycho pitter pattering behind them with a murder glow in his eyes. The three "men" watch the two Bitches-Er… I mean, Witches have a face off. Piper, then, just goes and tries to blow Prue up. Prue dodges the blow and the shock hits the Clock. It promptly exploded.)
PRUE: There. Now it's like the good ol' days.
PIPER: You bitch! We just got that fixed!
PRUE: Aw, is like I was back in time.
LEO: (Deadpans) More like stuck in rerun hell.
PAIGE: GUYS GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!
(Everyone stares at Paige. Then take a moment and stare as Paige bright yellow blouse. Then back at Paige.)
PAIGE: Gah, is that what a witch has to do to get attention around here!
PRUE: you mean dress like a tramp?
PAIGE: Don't start with me, Halliwell.
PIPER: Was there something you wanted to share, Paige?
PAIGE: YES. I wanted to tell you I just saw Shax!
(Cue Dramatic music: Dun dun DUN!)
PIPER: Um, honey, sweetie, pasty faced angel, we killed Shax, remember? You were there, and Leo was there and Prue was oh so very dead and not annoying me.
(Prue gives her the evil Crooked Eye.)
PAIGE: I know that! Jeez, I'm not Billie or something.
PRUE: Don't say that name!
(Too late. The Maggoty Oddly Proportioned Retard in Question waddles in doing her very worse acting yet. Her crying.)
RETARD: Oh my Gossssssssssh! I like killed Chrissssty. Wah, wah, wah.
(Prue rolls her eyes and Piper leaves the room, unable to be in the same space as the girl who took the powers of her beloved little sociopath. She took said sociopath's hand and exiting. Her Dolt of a husband and Tiny Gay son close behind her.)
PRUE: Ignoring the display of bad acting from the cast director's mistake, Paige can you please explain where and when you saw my killer?
PAIGE: He bought the house next door.
PRUE: Wanna run that by me again?
PAIGE: Apparently is the new "interesting" twist to this new season.
(Crickets chirp. They look past the camera.)
ALEX: (Off screen.) What?
SHANNEN: Oh, nothing. This season is going to be "Great and super."
ALEX: (Off Screen.) Would you rather get back to being on Stars magazine for getting bad plastic surgery?
(Shannen runs off to cry but fuck it if I'm stalling filming for her little hissy fit.)
ALEX: (Off Screen.) End the show with a high, McGowan.
(Paige flips her hair and stares with HATE at The Ultimate Retard.)
PAIGE: Let the object of rejection become but a dream as I cause the annoying to be not seen!
(Billie promptly fades away. Hooray!)
PAIGE: I wanted to do that for so fucking long.
VOICE: (Off Screen.) Impressive.
(Suddenly a woman flames in. It's none other than Lori Rom! You know, the first choice for Phoebe! But then got recast and was never heard from ever again? Yeah, that one.)
PAIGE: Who are you?
(Lori smiles wickedly and throws a lighting bolt at Paige, sending her out through the doors.)
LORI: The End.
(She does the Shax neck roll thing for no real reason and then flames out.)
(Fade to black)
End.
