A/N: Yay. People read this. And yeah, this is crazy and thank you and yerah, Nicole I'm back, don't jinx it.
Charmed If You Can Still Call It That: Renewed.
Episode 2: Single Witch Female.
(Fade in: Hag Quarters or Phoebe's apartment, whatever. Phoebe's room. We pan in two the scene of two thrusting bodies, mercifully and thankfully, under the cover of sheets. Sad to say no shirtless Victor Webster. Curses. After a huge squealing moan, and ew, we see Phoebe poke her head out, Coop following suit. They both have we-just-got-laid-but-goooood looks. A look you never see on Prue. They both then start to look pensive.)
PHOEBE: I can't wait till I get my little girl. How fast do your soldiers work?
COOP: Phoebe… I don't think this is going to work.
PHOEBE: I told you that you have to put the jumper cables on your nipples-
COOP: Not that. You and me.
PHOEBE: (Clueless as ever.) What do you mean?
(Victor Webster out of the sheets! Victor Webster out of the sheets! What? A tank top and boxers? Cooooome oooooooon. Grr. Anyways. He stands up and picks his pants up, putting them stupidly on.)
COOP: I mean that I think we should break up.
PHOEBE: Whaaaaaa?
COOP: I just don't see us having a future together.
PHOEBE: Didn't you watch the rest of the finale? We HAVE a future together.
COOP: I'm sorry. But after a few months with you I noticed you're… well, not really worth it.
(Phoebe looks hurt. Hee. Coop shrugs and hearts out. Sigh. I'll get him naked by the end of this ep. Cut to: Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Prue and Paige sit on the island drinking coffee. Paige is pretty much cut all over her pale white skin. Prue takes her head out Stars magazine long enough to take note of this.)
PRUE: Did you get bad plastic surgery too?
PAIGE: No. Lori Rom went psycho on me… wait. What did you mean by too?
PRUE: Nothing!
(She skitters out of the room. Paige returns mugging as she zips her mug. Then Shax walks in by the back door. The cheer track plays. Paige looks around confused.)
SHAX: Howdy, neighbor.
PAIGE: Mornin', Shax-man.
SHAX: How's Henry?
PAIGE: Who?
SHAX: Your husband?
PAIGE: What? I don't have a… shoot!
(She orbs out. Shax shrugs. The laugh track plays. Cut to: Attic. Piper flips through the Book Of Shadows for something that seems urgent. Wyatt and Chris, the future hot versions, orb in. Piper looks up and rolls her eyes.)
PIPER: Whatever future event you need to stop is, you're going to have to stop it on your own!
CHRIS: (South Park's Cartman style) But mo-o-o-om.
PIPER: Zip it. (She flips through the pages of the book.) I'm busy.
WYATT: Well, maybe we can help.
PIPER: (Looking up, suspicious.) Why are you here?
CHRIS: No, real reason-
WYATT: (Interrupting.) We can't get any good dates.
(Chris looks at his stupidly blabber mouth of a brother.)
PIPER: You have got to be kidding me!
CHRIS: Well, it's hard to meet the right guy in San Francisco in the future.
PIPER: Is SAN FRANCISCO. This is like heaven to you guys!
WYATT: I'm not gay!
PIPER: Oh, sweetie. You're in denial.
WYATT: I'm not gay!
(Leo walks in with Tiny Gay Chris in hand.)
LEO: I knew at least one of my sons wasn't.
CHRIS: Jeez, dad, and you wonder where my self esteem issues with you come from.
LEO: That's not what I meant... I-I… um… (Turns to Piper.) Honey, where's the baby powder?
CHRIS: Great. Like my therapy bill isn't high enough already.
(Leo rolls his eyes as Prue enters practically jumping up and down with the phone on her hand.)
PRUE: Guess who got herself a date tonight!
PIPER: (Muttering.) Guess who wanted to spend some time alone in the attic without her weird family.
LEO: You got a date? (Girly.) Ooh, details!
PRUE: Well, he's a Garbage man-
PIPER: (Shaking her head.) Oh, Prue.
PRUE: No, no, I'm telling you, this one's a keeper. Soon, we'll all be married and happy! Like in the finale of that crappy show that was just stupid after I got killed.
(Piper was about to reply when Phoebe jiggled her way in. Piper rolled her eyes.)
PIPER: (Muttering.) Five minutes of privacy. All I ask.
PHOEBE: (Choke sob.) You guys! (Sniffle.) Coop… he left!
PRUE: (Excited.) Really? So that means that you could be the only single one of us now? Great! (Off everyone's look.) I mean… sorry, Pheebs. (Patting her on the back.) There, there.
PHOEBE: (Looking at her future nephews.) You! You guys guaranteed me a husband and kids!
WYATT: Um… well…
CHRIS: We… kinda sort of lied to you.
PHOEBE: You what?
LEO: (Sternly.) Kids?
WYATT: Well, the Elders didn't sent you Coop. We just made that up so you had enough motivation to call him.
CHRIS: Coop reacted to his lust for you.
PRUE: Ew.
LEO: Right there with ya.
PIPER: I knew the Elders didn't think of Selfish Phoebe was the one that sacrifice the most. (Beat.) Guess I shouldn't have killed Odin then. (Shrugging.) Oh well. Bygones.
PHOEBE: (Stomping to her nephews.) I can't believe you guys did that! We were in the middle of a crisis!
CHRIS: Oh please, it was just Billie and her sister.
PRUE: No! Don't say that name!
(Too late. Billie promptly comes into the room. Guess Paige's spell was temporary. Curses.)
BILLIE: Hey, guyssssss. (Looking at the future boys.) Whoa. Who are the cutiessss!
PIPER: (Disgusted with The Ultimate Retard.) My kids!
BILLIE: Are they sssssingle?
WYATT: Actually-
PIPER: (Panicked.) Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You are not dating that! (Points to Billie with disgust.) Phoebe, get rid of her.
PHOEBE: (Rolls her eyes.) Yeah, yeah. Take her back, take her away, remove her now don't let her stay, we call the spirit to help undo, and sent her off to… um… Timbuktu.
(Billie fades away in a display of glowing white orbs.)
PIPER: Phoebe you need to find another word that rhymes with undo already.
PHOEBE: My future is ruined thanks to your kids, the least you could do is not give me a hard time.
PRUE: Well, I have a date to get ready!
(She starts to head off. Piper gets a wicked idea.)
PIPER: Wyatt, Chris, why don't you go with Aunt Prue on her date
(Prue halts on her track and gives Piper her quivering-lip-please-don't-do-this-to-me look.)
PIPER: That way you can learn how to go on a date.
WYATT: Sounds great.
CHRIS: Sure, why not?
PHOEBE: I'll come too.
(Piper gives Prue her wicked smile. Prue tries not to cry. Cut to: A Restaurant. Garbage man and Prue sit on the table. With Prue's sister and future nephews. The future boys are taking notes on futuristic blackberry things. And Phoebe is… well, drunk. Garbage man looks skeptical and Prue has her head buried on her hand, ashamed. Phoebe babbles drunkenly.)
PHOEBE: (Sobbing.) So he tells me I'm not worth it! Can you believe that! (She slaps Garbage guy on the arm. He gives Prue A Look.) I mean, look at me. Look at these!
(She peels of her red bra like tank top thing and flashes the restaurant. Fortunately this is with her back to the camera. Prue's face turns bright red and she hides behind a menu. Wyatt's creepily staring at his Aunt's rack, by the way. Chris flirts with the waiter.)
CHRIS: So when do you get off?
WAITER: You tell me.
(They scamper off to the bathrooms. The Garbage dood starts to make his leave.)
GARBAGE MAN: Listen, Prue, you're a sweet girl and all, but I can't date you if this is the type of people I would have to deal with.
PRUE: But-But-
GARBAGE MAN: I'm sorry. Is not you, it's your family and well, your eye is creepy.
(He takes a leave as Prue dissolves into a puddle of tears. Wyatt reaches a hand to his Aunt's chest.)
WYATT: (Mesmerized.) Are they real?
PHOEBE: Wanna touch 'em?
(NEXT SCENE! NEXT SCENE! Cut to: Manor living room. Aftermath of the date. Phoebe has an icepack on her head to nurse her hangover. Prue sits at her side with a tube of ice-cream she ain't sharing. Paige and Henry are cuddled in one of the love seats together. Hi, Ivan Sergey! Piper walks in with Leo and they cuddle on the other love seat. These people have way too much furniture. Prue and Phoebe look sad at the couples.)
PIPER: Oh cheer up. Just 'cause we can keep a man doesn't mean you won't find Mr. Right one day.
PHOEBE: (Hopeful.) I could do that spell!
PRUE: I really liked this guy.
(Lori Rom flames in the background and calmly walks up to the attic. No one takes notice.)
PIPER: (Shrugs it off.) You win some you lose some.
HENRY: I could set you up with someone if you want, Prue.
PRUE: Thanks… you.
HENRY: (Deadpans.) I'm Henry.
PAIGE: Oh, right! Henry. (Everyone stares at Paige. She Covers.) Alright! Henry! Getting Prue dates!
(Awkward silence. Coop hearts in. Naked! No. Not really. Fuck. Maybe next week.)
COOP: Phoebe. I'm sorry. I just realized that with you at least I wouldn't have to work for a living and then I could have lots of orgies on the weekends like the ones you host.
(Moment so you can shudder.)
PHOEBE: Really? I love you! (Jumps in his arms.) Yay! My future is saved!
(They sit and cuddle on the couch next to Prue. The Eldest P looks around the happy couples, heartbroken.)
PRUE: I hate you people.
(She stands up and leaves for the fridge.)
PIPER: Ah, I love peace!
(An explosion comes from upstairs.)
PIPER: Shit.
(Fade to black.)
End.
