A/N: Sorry for the delay. I've been moving and it's a bitch. But so am I. Yay. Leave some love. Meaning review, bastard.
Charmed if you can still call it that: Renewed.
Episode 3: Prue Calling
(Fade in: City Morgue. Phoebe and Darryl walked in with serious faces. Darryl unzips a body lying on the table. It's Dan Gordon's body. Nicole, stop jumping up and down.)
PHOEBE: Dan…
DARRYL: Yeah, the body was found by the docks.
PHOEBE: Well, Darryl, thanks for the call but I don't do corpses anymore.
Darryl: (Trying to repress that.) And well, I just thought you would know anything about this.
(Prue, wearing a lab coat, walks in.)
PRUE: Morning.
PHOEBE: What are you doing here?
PRUE: Well, since apparently I don't get a love interest I decided to get a job.
PHOEBE: At a morgue?
PRUE: Sure. Nothing weird ever happens here.
(Ironic twist alert.)
DAN: (Eyes shoot open and looks at Prue.) Help me!
(Suddenly time starts to reverse itself. And we end up in… Halliwell Manor. Prue's room as she wakes up.)
PRUE: Déjà vu all over again.
(Credits a la Tru Calling. If you want to see how they would look check this link out: http/ And then go to the actual site that's here: http/www.casahalliwell.it/home/homegs.htm It's in Italian but jeez, you can read download. They're all cool. Anyways. Fade in: Halliwell's kitchen. The cordless phone on the counter rings. Piper hastily comes into screen and picks it up.)
PIPER: Yo?
PRUE: (From the phone.) Piper, I'm running around town trying to locate Dan-
PIPER: Oh, Prue, my sloppy seconds. You're so lame.
PRUE: (From the phone.) Oh be quiet! I need to find a way for him not do die.
PIPER: Um… why?
PRUE: (From the phone.) Cause yesterday I was at the morgue and he suddenly came in and was all dead and then he woke up and asked for my help.
PIPER: Yeah, I'm going to go.
PRUE: (From the phone.) Piper!
PIPER: Buh bye
(She hands up and promptly walks out. Cut to: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. She's doodling on some important documents. Her stupid pink phone rings. She picks it up.)
PHOEBE: (Seductively.) Welcome to Halliwell Hot line. I'm Prue and I'm really horny for your touch.
PRUE: (From the phone.) … I'm going to kill you.
PHOEBE: (Not getting it.) Ooh that sounds naughty.
PRUE: (From the phone.) PHOEBE!
PHOEBE: (Wide-eyed.) Prue! Hi… um, what's up?
PRUE: (From the phone.) I need to stop Dan from dying today. Morris was showing you the body yesterday but time rewound itself.
PHOEBE: Um… okay.
PRUE: (From the phone.) Just trigger a vision of the moment to know where he's going to be!
PHOEBE: So you admit my power is useful?
PRUE: (From the phone.) …
PHOEBE: Admit it or I'm not helping you!
PRUE: (From the phone.) You're going to let an innocent die just to make your point?
PHOEBE: Inno-what?
PRUE: (From the phone.) Never mind. (Sigh.) Yeah, your power is useful.
PHOEBE: Aaaaand?
PRUE: (From the phone.) (Forced.) You're the most Beautiful and most Smart and most popular Charmed One in the history of Forever.
PHOEBE: And dontcha forget it.
(She closes her eyes and does her orgasm thing she does whenever she gets a premonition. The first scene from the teaser plays in black and white in her head. She comes (EW!) out of it and resumes the phone call.)
PHOEBE: Token Black guy said he was found at the docks.
PRUE: (From the phone.) He's Darryl.
PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, I have work to do.
(She hung up and resumed her doodling. Cut to: Magic School. Paige is fighting a group of demons on her own. One of them lunges an energy ball at her. She TK-orbs it back. He explodes. The remaining two go at her at the same time. She orbs out. She orbs back behind them as they crash on a table. She goes to throw a potion when… her cell rings.)
PAIGE: Oh… excuse me.
(She rolls her eyes as she takes the call. The demons stomp their foot in annoyance instead of just attacking her or going or anything)
PAIGE: This better important!
PRUE: (From the phone.) Paige, hi.
PAIGE: How much do you want?
PRUE: (From the phone.) How dare you think I would only call you because I need money!
PAIGE: Well, if it's not that, then you want me to be an accomplice.
PRUE: (From the phone.) Well…
PAIGE: Ugh. Just tell me what I have to do.
PRUE: (From the phone.) I went to the docks to save Dan's life and-
PAIGE: Who's life?
PRUE: (From the phone.) Dan! Piper's ex!
PAIGE: The banker?
PRUE: (From the phone.) What? No! Paige, it doesn't matter who he was to Piper!
PAIGE: Okay, okay, hold your panties.
PRUE: (From the phone.) I don't wear panties.
PAIGE: I so did not want to know that!
PRUE: (From the phone.) Matthews, focus! You need to help me get rid of a dead body!
PAIGE: What? What did you do?
PRUE: (From the phone.) I wanted to save Dan's live and so I got to the docks and there's Dan and suddenly he fell in the water. And you know how I fear swimming-
PAIGE: Wuss.
PRUE: (From the phone.) Shut up! So I threw a floating device at him… or I thought it was a floating device.
PAIGE: What was it?
PRUE: (From the phone.) An anvil.
PAIGE: You know, you're going to have to accept that little squint thing you do is not just for your powers! You need glasses!
PRUE: (From the phone.) NEVER! Just help me!
PAIGE: Use my object of objection spell.
PRUE: (From the phone.) Ooh, yeah!
(Paige hangs up and gives an apologetic twitchy smile to the demons as she throws the potion vials and vanquishes their sorry asses before they can earn their SAG cards. Cut to: Halliwell Manor. Living room. Leo is sitting on the couch watching his stories as he knits. Cause you know Piper wears the pants here. Tiny Gay Chris is cutely trying to walk as his Dead Eyed Sociopath of a brother is watching with murderous intent. Or maybe bored. He orbs an atheme in his hand and TK-twirls it menacingly. Big Gay Chris walks down the stair followed by Boring Big Wyatt. They both take in the scene.)
WYATT: Remember when I tried to kill you?
CHRIS: Yeah… Dad!
(Leo jumps up with a girly yelp and turns to his two future boys.)
LEO: Boys! Don't jump on me like that!
CHRIS: Um…Wyatt is trying to kill me.
LEO: (To Big Wyatt.) Bad Wyatt. That's a no-no.
CHRIS: (Deadpans.) Little Wyatt and Chris, dad.
(Leo gives him a confused look but then catches up and goes take Tiny Gay Chris out of harm's way. Before Chris can scold him for his terrible parenting that probably is responsible for his daily therapy sessions the phone rings on the corner. Wyatt somewhat detective picks it up.)
WYATT: Halliwell residence.
PRUE: (From the phone.) Like, hi! Um… hey, you're a haft whitelighter right?
WYATT: Aunt Prue?
PRUE: (From the phone.) Of course is me! Jeez, um, hey, listen you wouldn't happen to spare some of that memory dust thing you use to make people like forget you were getting freaky with the rotting corpse of your ex next door neighbor who totally slept with your sister first, but you thought, well, he's dead and Paige gave me a spell to get rid of him so you might as well take advantage of him while you're here since you haven't really got laid for like 6 years and counting and your really horny and well, aside from the cold stiffness and the greasy hair he still looks cute in a certain light so you just go for it but then the fishers pull up and then suddenly you're being taking in for questioning by the police and Darryl totally doesn't help out and so you end up lock with a Prostitute name Toot, who says she's a friend of my sister cause she works in the corner in front of hers.
WYATT: Oh yeah. That happens.
(What kind of a future do these people live in? Wyatt hangs up.)
WYATT: I need to help Aunt Prue. I'll be back.
(He orbs out. Chris and Leo exchanged awkward looks.)
LEO: So… wanna play catch… um, son?
CHRIS: I'll be at my boyfriends'.
(He orbs out. Leo shrugs. Cut to: City Morgue. Phoebe and Darryl walked in with serious faces. Darryl unzips a body lying on the table. It's Dan Gordon's body. Oh, catch us in the rewind. Sorry.)
PHOEBE: Dan…
DARRYL: Yeah, the body was found by the docks.
PHOEBE: Well, Darryl, thanks for the call but I don't do corpses anymore.
Darryl: (Trying to repress that.) And well, I just thought you would know anything about this.
PHOEBE: Oh wait! I like totally saw this before.
DARRYL: Déjà vu all over again
PHOEBE: Yeah, that joke was made before.
ALEX: (Off Screen.) And again fell flat. Curses.
DARRYL: Well, yeah, anyways, we arrested Prue for murder. Just wanted to give you the heads up.
PHOEBE: Cool. Later.
(She walks out not really giving a damn. Cut to: Underworld. Okay, fine, some papier-mâché cave thingy inside a studio. BITE ME. Lori Rom addresses her henchmen demons. Openly Evil Chrisssssy. Tempus. The Seer (Not Cordelia, the first one.). Jenny Gordon. Jeremy. Madonna. And The Source (Original one.). Lori walked in the middle.)
LORI: This is it. We start to conquer the world with this!
(She produces the Book Of Shadows.)
ALL: (Mr. Burns Style.) Excellent.
(Fade to black.)
End.
(Fade in: Alyssa and Shannen stand facing the camera.)
Alyssa: Today we dealt with a very serious problem
Shannen: If you or a love one get caught having sex with a corpse, please let someone know.
Alyssa: We can help you cover up your trail.
Shannen: So you can keep sticking it to the stiff dudes.
Both: Because we like it better when they just lay there.
(Fade to black.)
