The dark endless void has never been kind. It takes the memories I should have and gobbles them up. Where time should tell me and remind me of what has transpired from a year or even more, the void smiles back and laughs. It doesn't sound like one of horrors, but instead of what should be of joy and fun times. Instead the laughter cracks and seeps deep into my bones. It sounds less and less of joyful times and more of torture and sanity fraying at the seams.
But instead of laughter, this time I am greeted with silence and pain. My whole being throbs as if I've been destroyed and rebuilt only to be torn apart again in a vicious cycle of who knows how long. The guilt that comes with waking with the feeling of fullness is lacking. All I feel is tired, hungry and a little less guilty if not oddly proud of being so run through.
I'm not where I usually wake from an episode. I had tried to guess in the past when they would occur. A pattern at times only to be disproven by a sudden black out the takes years of my life away. You'd think people would notice, worry, tell me they thought I had died or perhaps seen me acting unlike myself. Alas not once has that been true. They act as if I was there just the other day. As if a year or more was but twelve hours of absence. Always a smile and 'morning Rob.'
I always seem to wake in the woods, at least until now, wearing what I had blacked out in. Always spotless and fresh smelling as laundry just dried.
This time I sit in the dark, I can't see, almost believing I am now conscious in the void, but as my eyes adjust I see I'm in a deep hole, perhaps an old well of sorts.
My clothing is damp, dirty and smells of shit and some kind of cooper like smell. I'm saturated through. Even my skin and hair is wet.
My head throbs as I try harder to see around me. My hand flying to my forehead where not only am I met with more dampness, but a sticky substance. I smell the coopery smell as my fingers come close to my face to try and make out what it is.
The colors are hard to seen in this place, but I know them too well and gagging from the sight of it, I know now that I am bleeding. I have a head injury, a first, and it shakes me to my core.
What attacked me and is it still here?
Not wishing to find out, I pushed myself up. My whole body is shaking as if it will give any moment. The lightest touch would have me tumbling at this point. Forcing myself to take a wobbling step after another, feeling along the wall, or at least the closest I can imagine to be one. I can hear and feel it crumbling a bit with each touch of my hand.
There has to be a way out. The farther I go the more it appears to get brighter. Hoping it was not a trick of my eyes as they adjust, I push on. A smile growing from my chapped lips as I finally saw actual light above. Laughing, I feel hope building, only to have it dashed upon a closer look.
There is no rope, no foot holdings, nothing to indicate a way of getting out this way. I'm on the edge of a breakdown. Lost alone and unable to find a way out of a hole with a possible mad person or thing down here with me. Licking my lips I take a deep breath. I have to think and push the panic that was building down until at least I get out of this hole.
The wall face appears solid, but I remind myself how it crumbled under my support just a few moments ago. Biting my lips nervously, I begin feeling at the wall. It feels solid enough, but at points it gives and crumbles just as rest of the walls had. With a prayer and a push, I press hard into the wall. With little give, it appears to allow a indent to form. But the true test would come next. With another press, using my foot this time, I see if I can make a study footing. I can't help but cringe as I feel the dirt pack around my toes, where has my shoes gone? At this point I don't think I'll ever find out. With a bit of lift with that foot, I test if the new foot hold will in fact hold my weight.
The dirt shifts with the new pressure. I can't help gasping, frozen in place. Will it continue to sink further down, making it's way to the floor? A happy chuckle escapes my lips as the earth settles around my foot. It appears as if the dirt will hold and if it continued to do so, I'll be able to climb to freedom and away from this hell.
It is a painful and tiring process. The longer I go at it, the higher I get, but my muscles are screaming now. They want me to stop and just let go. My whole body shakes as I reach for the next spot to apply a holding. As I make another hand hole to pull myself up with, the earth gives way to my sudden weight. A curse slips from my lips as I feel myself begin to slid down the wall. Panicking, I frantically begin kicking and grasping at the earth in front of me.
I don't even know how, but I find my hands grasping at a lip of ground. With the last of my strength I pull myself over. Rolling to a stop on now solid ground, I am no longer able to it hold it back. Sobs and gasps for air come rushing forth from me. I'm alive. I haven't fallen to my death. I've made it.
How long has it been? I finally open my eyes, I didn't even know I had closed them, to look around me. There is little light here, but more then that dark hole. My breathing has begun to even out. My sobs begin to silence as I take in deep breath long breaths. The stench here is worse then below, but I don't care at this point. Finally feeling calm enough, I force himself to get up. I can no longer stay here. I need to find a way out and find help.
It's only now I begin to notice the things around me. There is a large tower of what appears to be items of all kinds. From toys, furniture, odds and ends, and who knows what else. I can't help but pause and look on in awe at this strange unnatural formation. It doesn't appear even physically possible to be standing. Snapping from my awe, shaking my head to clear it, I then spot the horrifying sight around me.
Bile rushes up into my mouth as I can't help but stare. There is not one, but what must be more then a dozen bodies surrounding the tower in front of me. I can't hold it back as I see now the different stages the bodies are in and to make it worse, they're all children.
I violently project away from the body at my feet, heaving for a good time before finally having nothing left in me. Taking deep breaths, whipping any possible mess from my mouth. I try and avoid looking again at them as I look for a way out from this chamber of nightmares.
I wish I could run from this hell hole, but my body is already exhausted to the point I can barely walk. Carefully stepping while trying hard not to look down, I make it to an exit. Entering a pipe, I have no idea where I am going, and yet my body guides me. Time passes to the sound of my bare feet sloshing though the sewage waters. I've never been in the sewers before, but I make an educated guess from the sights and smells of my surroundings.
The air some how seems to begin to clear as I start to believe I am hearing chirping. When I turn the next corner, I can not stop the smile form on my lips as I get the urge to dash towards the now very visible sunlight. I sprint, more like stumbling walk towards the entrance. Fresh air and sunlight greet me as I fall into the creek outside. Taking in all the warmth I can get with the deviously clean smells of nature around me. I don't even care that the rest of my body has become wet again by this. Overjoyed by the freedom from that dark endless nightmare.
"Bobby Gray! What the hell are you doing here?"
My head shots up as I look towards the sudden female voice. My eyes finding her quickly and easily as I spot Officer Linda Springs standing and staring at me as if I have grown a second head.
"Linda…" the words come out so quiet I wonder if I have even said them let alone don't believe she could hear them. She rushes to my side, not caring about the water as it soaks her uniform, wading to my side.
"Bobby, what … what happened to you? Y… You're covered in sewage… and blood? Where did all this blood come from?" Her hands are a dark red, as I suddenly notice what she is talking about. As she helps me up, I can now see I was not only soaked in sewage and creek water, but also what appeared a good amount of blood. No longer fresh, but darkened with time and wetted by the creek water. Linda is no longer looking at her hands, nor at my clothing as she takes in my face. She pales as she carefully reaches to the a spot on my head, causing me to wince.
"That looks really bad. With all this sewage… we need to get you to a hospital. We'll get you cleaned up and changed and this taken care of before it can get infected if it isn't already."
I can do nothing but nod and follower her as she allows me to use her for support. It's a trek up hill and through the woods before we get to her squad car. I feel exhaustion pulling at me as we she helps me slid into the front with her.
We don't speak for a time as she starts the engine and heads towards the Derry Medical Hospital. But I can tell she has several questions that I know I can't answer no matter how much I wish I could.
"Bobby…" He turn to see a very concerned Linda staring ahead, her eyes focused on the road.
"What were you doing down there? I got a call of some kids reporting bodies in the sewers and I find you falling right out as I get there. You weren't part of this were you?"
My mouth bobs for a bit as I try to think how to respond. I want to say, No, nothing at all but in all honesty, I have no idea.
"I… Woke up in a hole, like this…. when I finally got out…" He try not to focus on what I had seen, it already will haunt my dreams tonight. "Those kids were telling the truth. There.. there were a dozen or more bodies down there…"
Linda turns for the first time to look at me since we started this drive. She gives me a look of pity, "I'm so sorry you had to see that Bobby. I know how sensitive you are… did you get sick?" I nodded, prickling tears form as I feel my cheeks burn with embarrassment. Linda looks back to the road, but puts a hand on my shoulder and rubs it softly. At any other time I would have pulled away. I hate touch, it sets me on edge. It doesn't bother me if I initiate it myself, but when others just suddenly do it, I feel like squirming away. But this time, I stay still and actually take comfort from it.
"It's going to be alright. I needed to know so we don't use it as evidence to find the sick son of a bitch that did this." I agreeably nod again, though that doesn't stop my feelings of embarrassment. The fear building in me of being taunted for such a unmanly weak action.
"Bobby, don't you start thinking like that." Linda is staring at me. She has parked at the hospital without me even noticing. "Anyone would have done that in the same situation. It was not a show of weakness." I look at her confused, had she read my mind?
"I know you too well by now, little Bobby Gray, I know how that mind of your's works." She smiled warmly. "Now let's get you cleaned up and checked."
