Lena breathes in the comforting scent of books as she steps into what used to be her favourite place on Earth. She leaves her umbrella at the door, dripping from the downpour outside.
She has put off coming back here for months, only returning because her bookshelf is now completely void of new books to read, something she had never achieved before since she always impulsively ended up buying new books quicker than she could read them.
It still looks the same, feels the same. It's not the same. This is the first time she has come here alone.
The woman behind the counter must be new, she has never seen her before. They trade polite smiles before Lena hides behind a shelf, she needs to hurry up and get as many books as she can hold so she doesn't have to come back here for a while. Maybe she will even go to the store in the next city over, just so she doesn't have to come back here alone again.
Her eyes scan the shelves, and she reads the titles, searching for something, anything that piques her interest. Where she is usually drawn to colourful covers and wordy titles, she instead settles for simple one word covers of whites and greys.
Nothing has been the same since she left. She still doesn't know why, no answer was given. Not a good one anyway, just a simple text.
'Lena, I have to go away for a while. National City holds too much pain right now and I need to get away. I promise it won't be forever but in the meantime I am going off the grid. I don't know how long I will be, but I will be in touch when I'm back. Look after yourself.
Always, Kara.'
Kara had never once mentioned being in pain or struggling throughout their entire friendship, at least nothing to any degree than would warrant leaving the entire city behind. She had always thought that Kara would turn to her if something ever happened, if she ever needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to bury a body. She couldn't have been more wrong.
It hurts that she didn't even stay in contact. It hurts that she left without letting her say goodbye. It just hurts.
She sees Kara in everything she does. The shelves surrounding her remind her of their weekly trips to pick up a new book or two. Lena would always buy Kara a book that she thinks she will like because she would always receive the brightest smile in return.
The truth is her feelings for Kara have never been platonic. They have always been far too strong to deny and far too scary to act on, and so she kept it to herself. It has always been a better option to keep Kara as a friend and have her in her life than to tell her the truth and have her leave. Now look at where that has gotten her.
Being back in their bookshop is bringing back all of the memories they shared. She passes the shelves where Kara called her a nerd for getting her science books and she keeps her eyes pinned to the floor as she passes the rack where Kara always bought her classic romance novels from.
There is one book that draws her attention. It's an old, battered copy of some Russian literature book they had never heard of before or ever seen another copy of. It has been there for as long as they can remember. She doesn't know why it was ordered or why they never bothered to take it down when it didn't sell but it has been there and every time they came in, Kara would promise to get it next time, just so it doesn't get thrown out.
The sight of it hits her in the gut, forcing the air out of her lungs in a heart breaking sigh. Lena can feel the tears building just inside of her eyelids, she can tell that she is very close to her millionth breakdown since Kara left her all alone. She should leave. She should go home and just get Jess to order her some books to be delivered to her place.
She makes her way to the shelf, sight pinned on the familiar spine. Each step clunks against the floor unceremoniously as her heartbeat echoes in her own ears.
Her palms are sweaty as she presses her fingertips to the top of the book. It is tilted back and into her waiting hand as she pulls it down. It is pressed between her hands like something precious, like it is her own physical copy of her memories with Kara.
Lena hasn't even picked up another book, but she knows that this is the only one she is leaving this bookstore with today.
She tucks the book against her chest and marches over to the counter. She reluctantly hands it over to be scanned and ignores the shocked look on the woman's face when she sees what she is purchasing. She barely engages when she tries to start up some small talk, just pays for her book and shoves a couple of twenties in the tip jar in lieu of an apology.
She keeps it stowed away in her purse to protect it from the rain as she climbs into her car and makes her way back to her penthouse. She occasionally glances down at it as though it will magically disappear if she doesn't keep an eye on it.
The second she is out of the car, she is taking hurried steps to the elevator and into her penthouse. The purse is clutched in her hands with such a fierce grip that her knuckles have turned white.
Her heels are kicked off the second she is inside, and her drenched coat is tossed aside before the book is freed from its confines. She stare down at it once more, double checking that it is the right book despite the fact that she knows for a fact that it would be impossible for her to have picked up the wrong one.
Her tears flow freely as she traces the cover softly. She settles herself into her chair by the window, relaxing slightly into the familiar material she has spent thousands of hours reading in.
It doesn't matter how long Kara has been gone, the pain is insurmountable. Kara was her person - is her person. She will be here waiting for her to return until the end of time of she has to and if she has to fly across the world a hundred times to bring her back, she will do just that.
Lena would be lying if she said that she didn't hire multiple private investigators to find her wayward best friend but somehow she has ended up with less information than she began with. Kara must have really planned for this since there is no trace of her anywhere.
She knows that buying the book won't ease her pain. She doesn't even know if it will bring her comfort, she just needs something to make her feel whole again, if only for a little while.
With careful fingers, she plucks open the book and settles onto the first page. She allows herself to sink into the words and leans back into her chair, bringing the book from where it was resting on her thighs up into the air.
The motion disturbs something in the book and the pages loosen, dropping something into her lap.
Her heart is beating out of her chest as she spots the familiar handwriting on the outside of the folded paper. Her name stares back at her.
The book is set down and the paper is hesitantly unfolded. It could very well be a funny note from years ago, but she know in her soul that isn't the truth. She takes a deep breath the steel herself for what she is about to read and unfolds the paper.
'My dear Lena,
I know that there is a strong chance that you will never forgive me for leaving the way I did and don't blame you for the fact. Your forgiveness should be reserved for those who truly deserve it and I fear that I am not one of them.
I owe you an explanation. A real one. The truth is that I am too much of a coward to give you one that I know you will read so instead I left it in this book. Our book.
The reason I left is because being around you hurts my heart far too much to bear. It is not you fault in any way but my own. I let my chance to do anything about it pass me by a long time ago and instead let my feelings for you fester until they burned me from the inside out.
The truth is that I have been in love with you for such a long time that I can't remember a time where I have looked at you with anything other than pure adoration. The pain of knowing that I will never be with you in that way or gaze into your eyes and see the same love shining back at me shatters my heart.
I'm hoping that a little time away will give me the strength to come back, regardless of my feelings, but I also know that I probably won't come back until I have managed to rid myself of my selfish love for you, if I ever can.
If by some miracle you find this and don't hate me, if you actually have room in your heart for me then come find me. I'm where I always said I would end up.
All my love and care, always, Kara.'
Lena rereads it twice, going for a third time but the tears clouding her vision stop her. The woman she loves shares her feelings and she left because she lost hope that Lena could ever love her in the same way. She has to fix this.
'I'm where I always said I would end up.'
She knows exactly where she will find her. Kara has told her about her dreams of living in a cute little cottage with a cute little dog by her side. She would talk of beautiful fields of wildflowers and a pretty lake to sit by with a book or two. She always used to imagine herself there by her side whenever she mentioned it. She would live anywhere if it was with Kara.
With a rough swipe, she wipes away her tears and gets to work. She is going to find Kara if it's the last thing she does and she is going to tell her that not only does she also share her feelings, but her heart belongs to her, and it always has.
Within minutes, she is sat at her desk in her home office, mapping out everywhere she thinks that Kara could reasonably be, it's time to get her girl.
She spends hours hunched over her maps, finding as many cottages as possible she can that have been bought in the last year and deciding which ones she thinks Kara would have liked enough to purchase.
When she sees a beautiful little two bedroomed cottage with a charming little vegetable patch and garden she knows. It even has a lake nearby and fields perfect for spreading wildflower seeds should your heart desire it.
She doesn't even bother to check the name on the deed or even sleep for that matter. It's past midnight and she is already throwing clothes and her toothbrush into a bag and jumping into her car, making sure to take the book and the letter with her as a reminder of what she has to gain so she doesn't lose her nerve.
The drive isn't too long, Kara went to the first bit of open land outside of the city she could and can reasonably still even come back to the city within a couple of hours if she needs to. Lena hopes that the reason she stayed so close is because she didn't really want to leave her behind but doesn't dare to think on it too much, so she simply focuses on the drive.
The bustling of the city fades away as she gets closer and closer to her destination, to Kara. The roads turn from concrete to dirt and the streetlights become rarer and rarer. Her pace has to slow significantly, her headlights her only saving grace as she heads in the general direction of where she thinks the cottage is.
She feels like she has been driving down that same dirt road for days, eyes scanning for any hint of life when from between a line of trees she sees the faint reflection of a light. Her heart races as she turns off of the road and down a long gravel driveway. She parks her car about half way down so she doesn't disturb the occupants if she is in the wrong place.
She isn't. She faces the little cottage, lit up by a single porch light and a line of solar lights along the flower bed, edging the gravel drive.
Her hands tremble as she holds the book containing the letter to her chest once more and steps out. The gravel crunches beneath her feet and the night breeze whips at her, making her shiver. She tries to peek through the windows as she approaches, trying in vain to see if there is any movement.
She doesn't know why there would be, it is the middle of the night after all. As much as she would love to wait until morning as not to disturb Kara, she needs to see her. She just needs her.
Her hand hovers in front of the door for a few uncertain seconds then she takes a deep breath and strikes the wood in three decisive knocks. It doesn't take long before a rapid yapping comes from the other side of the door.
Lena clenches her eyes shut, forcing back the tears that are threatening to fall. Kara got her cottage and her dog. Now she just has to get Kara.
She knows for certain that she is in the right place when she hears her muffled voice through the door, hushing the dog and sending it off into another room.
The door swings open and they both freeze. Kara looks like a deer in the headlights, her eyes wide and bluer than ever.
"Kara." Lena doesn't get much further than that, her body somehow unsure of how to react to being back in Kara's presence.
"Lena." Kara runs her eyes over her, fully taking her in after not seeing each other for so long. She pulls the door open a little wider. "Would you like to come in?"
Lena nods and follows her inside, her steps shaky as she stares at the back of Kara's head, focusing on the messy curls from where she was clearly asleep not too long ago. Kara takes her into the living room and flicks on a light, revealing a cute little jack Russell puppy staring up at her from its bed.
It jumps up at the sight of her, wagging its tail and bouncing around her heels.
"Farley, come here girl." Kara crouches down and picks up the pup, scratching behind her ears before plopping her back down in her bed. The pup does as she's told and stays where she is, her tail still rapidly wagging though.
Lena watches them interact, seeing the respect and comfort between the pair and mentally thanks the little dog for keeping Kara company.
She clears her throat, bringing Kara's attention back to her. "Hi."
"Hi."
Lena looks down at the ground, trying to process what she should say next. All she can do is bring the book down from her chest and hold it out for Kara to take.
The sharp intake of breath is all the response she needs. The book is taken from her hands and opened to the page where the letter sits.
Kara sees the letter opened up instead of folded and knows that she has read it. "Do you hate me?"
Lena's head whips up, attempting to meet the inquiring gaze she is sure Kara is giving her. Instead of meeting her eyes, she sees Kara looking down at the ground herself, her hands entwined together and her whole body seemingly caving in on itself, like she is trying to make herself as small as possible.
She steps forward and lifts her chin with a gentle hand. "I could never hate you, Kara."
Kara finally looks up and their eyes lock. "Really?"
Lena draws her in, pulling her to her chest in a tight hug. She begins to whisper into her ear. "I could never hate you, because I love you too."
Kara breaks the embrace quickly, stepping back in pure shock. "I...you…what?"
"I love you, Kara. I can't lose you again. I love you so much that every beat of my heart is for you and every breath I take speaks your name."
They both feel tears falling down their cheeks but can't wipe them away, unwilling to do anything except look into each other's eyes.
Kara breaks first, pitching herself forward and capturing Lena's lips in a desperate kiss. Lena wastes no time kissing her back, showing her how much she has missed her and how much she loves her in the desperate way their lips move together.
Lena tangles her fingers into her hair, holding her close and Kara grasps the material of her shirt tightly. Lena begins to mumble between kisses. "I love you so much. I'm never letting you go again."
"Promise?"
"Always."
Their kisses subside and their embrace turns into a tight hug. "Never leave me again, my heart can't take it."
Kara pulls out of the embrace, but her hands find her collarbones, keeping her close. "I won't, I promise." They stay pressed together for longer than they are willing to admit, foreheads pressed together and breathing the same air. "I'm glad you found my letter."
"Me too, even if you did put it inside that god forsaken book."
"I thought you would appreciate the read." She is treated to Kara's playful grin for the first time in months, piecing her broken heart back together as easily as it was broken.
Lena wipes it off her face with another kiss. It's taken a lot for them to get here, but they know that they will never let each other go again, no matter what it takes. Always.
