There hadn't been anything for Kate to throw up. Still, she couldn't understand why her body was trying so hard to make her do it. Simon's orders for her to drink water and stay hydrated offered her some relief in that aspect. After forcing down two large cups, she found herself in the bathroom a few minutes later coughing it all back up into the toilet.
She took the time in the bathroom to sit in the shower, the water turned up almost to boiling and filling the room so full of steam she could hardly see through it. She stayed there for a long time, legs drawn up on the stone seat and resting her head in her arms. It wouldn't have surprised her if she drifted off.
The events of the previous night were a blur. She vaguely remembered nearly falling off the roof, Taylor helping her to her room, and Simon in his usual state of panic. He had been trying to talk to her about something important and she was pretty sure the conversation had gone nowhere. But the foggy memory of it filled her with trepidation. There was no way she could keep putting off what she needed to tell him now that it was clear Simon was aware that she was struggling with something.
She didn't know how she would be able to explain it to him without destroying everything in the process. It was bound to happen. The independent side of her had been growing stronger, reminding her of who she was and what she wished she could be. It didn't involve sinking down with the worst of the population, losing herself in the very thing she thought would never have any power over her. It absolutely didn't involve the stereotypical drama that even the worst romance novel could have done a better job of. This used to be her greatest strength. The ability to look something in the face and remain emotionless, unpressured, and free. That was what made her different. It was what made her strong. She didn't need people, and she didn't need their classic expectations of what her life should be. She could and was disappointing them at every turn.
Then there was the other part of her. The one which was unimaginably, inexplicably and comfortably happy. Had it just been left at that, she could easily have dismissed it. She could find happiness in other things, or at least be able to convince herself that she was happy with them. But this wasn't just a feeling. It satisfied that deep rebellious part of her that wanted to reject what everyone thought was ideal and precious, directly contradicting the argument her stubborn side was pressing her with. It didn't matter if this was weak or shallow. It didn't matter that she was falling into the very same trap that she had watched so many others fall into, and that she took pride in knowing it could never harm her. Because this was deeper than society. It was deeper than human weakness. It was questioning the very nature of the soul itself.
By the time the water had begun to grow cold, the nausea was now a dull ache in her lower gut and the room was relatively stationary. She still hadn't thought of what to say, or how to even begin to say it. Each side of the argument had its strengths, and even though she found herself leaning towards one in particular, the other reminded her that if she chose it, she would regret it terribly. Perhaps even for the rest of her life. She held onto her defenses, forcing herself not to waver. This was as clear and rational of a state of mind as she would ever hope to be in for this sort of thing. She reluctantly turned off the water and began to dress, pausing every so often to draw out her thinking process. There was no way to make this any easier. The longer she tried to work it out in her mind, the further she backed herself into a corner. There was nowhere else to go now except to attempt escape.
She opened the door and moved out into the hallway, releasing a cloud of steam from the bathroom behind her. She walked slowly down the hallway, hugging her arms to her chest and brushing her wet hair behind her ear. Somehow the strength was returning to her as she went to her bedroom door as if the fight was gradually leaving her. The other argument was quieting down, giving her more control over what she knew she needed to say in order to fix this. This could be easier than she thought. She may have been making a bigger deal of it than she needed to be. This was who she was after all, and who she'd always wanted to be.
She entered her bedroom which was still somewhat dark. The curtains were still drawn closed, filling the room with a soft golden glow as the light filtered through the yellow fabric. It made things oddly easier to see despite the low light level, although she couldn't be sure if it was simply her sensitive and hungover eyes that were functioning on a lower level of effectiveness.
Simon was lying partway on the bed on his side, supporting himself on his elbow as he held his hand out to Spot who was circling around and around to butt his head against Simon's hand. As Kate closed the door behind her Simon looked up at her, his classic bewilderment expression lit his face. She stood still by the door, taking a moment to note how human his expression made him look. She'd never really acknowledged it before. It made his blue eyes catch the light stronger than usual, causing them to light up a bright cerulean and saturating him in undeniable innocence. She couldn't be sure he knew he was doing it, but it was more than likely he had no idea.
She let out a deep breath and moved towards the bed. Simon stood up immediately, taking a step back out of the way as if expecting her to lay back down. Instead she paused, gazing down at the mattress and running a finger across it so Spot chased it with his paws. She could feel Simon watching her anxiously, and knew he was probably aching to scan her. The thought of him touching her made the tension in her chest grow stronger. She couldn't let herself be distracted by this. It had to be done.
Simon moved slightly, catching her attention. "How are you feeling?" he asked.
Kate ran another hand through her wet hair. "Better now that I threw up all the water you told me to drink." Simon looked away from her, and she could see the frustration lined in his face.
"It's important for you to stay hydrated," said Simon. "You should try again. If you're able."
"I'm not going to," said Kate. She returned her gaze back to the bed where Spot had rolled onto his back, exposing the white fur of his belly. She heard Simon let out a soft breath behind her.
"Kate…" Something touched her shoulder and without thinking, she jerked her shoulder back before it had a chance to make her feel anything. She looked up to see Simon's shocked face, his hand lowering slowly. The deep pain in his eyes caused her heart nearly to stop. She looked away, doing her best to keep her sensible mind composed. The stronger argument was wobbling slightly. This was far from easy. And the crushing weight of shame in her chest was telling her it wasn't going to get easier.
"Kate."
"What?" She rounded on him, her heart racing as she saw him tense his shoulders, the bright bewildered look in his eyes mixed with a touch of compassion. He tilted his head at her.
"Talk to me."
The reflection of her own past emotion in his voice caught her off guard. She pressed a hand to her forehead, trying hard to keep her breathing steady. This was what she'd wanted to do. She was supposed to tell him the truth. But now that he was putting her in a position for her to speak, she realized it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do.
She swallowed, her mind scrambling for a way to keep dodging the situation. "I'm sorry I got drunk," she said. "You should never have seen me like that."
He gave a small shake of his head. "You know I would never judge you for that."
"But I do," said Kate. "The choices I make… they affect everything. My dad would have lost his mind if he'd seen me like that. I could've fallen off the roof, thrown up in my sleep, had a seizure. I can't keep doing things just because they make me happy in the moment. I can't live my life like that."
A dull apprehension swept over her as she realized what she'd just said. Simon looked away from her, and even though he was out of her vision, she could detect the tension in his posture. He had to have known what she was implying, but at the same time she hoped with everything she had that he didn't.
"You deserve to be happy," he said, his voice strangely quiet. Kate let out a sharp breath as she stared down at the mattress.
"It's not your job to make me happy all the time," she said. Simon looked up at her, and she met his gaze which was becoming more desperate by the minute.
"I don't want to see you upset," he said.
Kate shook her head. "You're so focused on trying to make me happy. And it's like the more you try, the worse it seems to get. Maybe…" Kate looked away from him, feeling the shame bite at her chest again. "Maybe you should focus on something else."
Simon shifted next to her, and Kate felt her heart race as she unwittingly clenched her hand on the blanket.
"Like what?" he said.
Kate closed her eyes, unable to force herself to think of a decent answer. It was starting to become obvious, and the closer she seemed to get to saying what she needed to say, the stronger the other side of her argument grew. She swallowed to get her throat working and drew herself up straighter, but nothing seemed to help. Simon breathed deeply behind her, and she heard him take a step forward.
"Kate…" he said, and the urgency in his voice nearly shattered her. "Kate, don't do this."
She turned to him, the ache in her chest settling into her throat as she locked onto his narrowed blue eyes. "Do what?" she said.
"Don't push me away." The panic in his face was matching the tone of his voice, and Kate was suddenly reminded of how he'd looked at her before she had let herself be swept away by him that unforgettable night. He took another step towards her, a nervous breath escaping him. "Whatever it is, whatever you're dealing with, don't carry it alone. I'm here. I'll carry it with you."
Kate closed her eyes again, the sight of him causing a greater distraction in her heart than she could have ever planned. She drew up the resilient part of her that she'd been clinging to all morning. "I'm not carrying anything."
"Then let me help you." His voice was still urgent, although she'd never heard such a tenderness in it before this. "You know I'll do anything─ just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Ask me for anything and I'll give it to you. Whatever you want me to say, I'll say it. Just… don't shut me out like this."
Something in what he said eased the pain in her throat, and Kate found herself straightening. When she looked at him, he seemed to be stronger. His eyes had lost some of their desperation, a bright energy glowing in them as he gazed at her expectantly. He was so ready to fight for this. So hopeful that she was going to give him exactly what he needed to bring her back to him. And she did need something from him. If it meant she could avoid telling him more of what she needed to say, then she could use his help.
She breathed in slowly, narrowing her eyes at him. "Are you a deviant?"
His face tensed, partly in confusion and some part in surprise. A nervous twinge crept into her gut as she watched him look away, the LED on his temple spinning a bright yellow. She hadn't been entirely sure he would know what she meant. Now his reaction confirmed it for her. Not only had he heard that term before, he knew what it was. That meant he also knew the complications behind it. She watched him carefully, making sure he knew that she was looking at him. He'd been pressing her hard for answers. Now it was her turn to make him talk.
He let out a deep breath, closing his eyes. "Your father told you," he said.
Kate wrapped her arms around herself, steadying her nervousness. "He said you're unpredictable and dangerous. That you have no sense of direction and you'll do anything to get what you want." She took a step back from him as he opened his eyes again, gazing at the floor. She continued to watch him carefully. "He said I'm in danger every second that I spend with you."
His eyebrows narrowed as he stared at the floor, and this time his LED flashed red momentarily. His mouth tensed, and the pained expression was returning to his face. Kate's heart raced as she took another step back, for the first time feeling a hint of fear. Her father's warning echoed through her mind. There was nothing stopping him from getting what he wanted. He could be willing to do anything. To destroy. To fight. Possibly even to kill…
Simon raised his head slightly, although his gaze was still locked on the floor. "What else did he tell you?"
Kate froze, her mouth falling open for a moment. A thousand frenzied thoughts chased eachother in her head. She was about to ask him what he meant. This was some way of him exercising control over her. To confuse her into thinking she didn't know what her father had really said about deviants. But even as she jumped from one suspicious accusation to the other, she landed back on the other thing that her father had said. The statement that had frozen her breath in her throat─ that made her feel as though she were floating on air and falling to her death at the same time. The one thing that had been so obvious that she refused to see it even when it was right in front of her the whole time…
Kate ran her hands through her hair and turned, letting out a frustrated breath. She paced once in front of her bed, fighting to avoid confronting the truth. When she dropped her hands and stopped, Simon was looking at her again, his expression unchanged. It filled her with a combination of dread and terror, locking her to the spot as if she were in chains. She couldn't say it. She didn't need to say it. He already knew what it was anyway.
She clenched a hand into her hair, gathering up her resolve. Then she dropped it to her side. "Simon─" Her throat caught, and she swallowed as she forced herself to say it. "You're not human. You might think you are, and you probably feel like you are, but you're not. If you're a deviant, you're still an android put together in a factory. You run on a battery, your mind is a computer, and everything you're feeling right now is because it was programmed into you. It's a computer's way of imitating a human." She paused for a moment, drawing in a breath to calm her beating heart. "But you're not. You'll always be an android. You'll replace your parts when they break down, you'll never get sick, and you'll never get old. You're going to live forever. And I'm… I'm…"
Simon's expression was still the same. Kate wished he would do something. That he would look away or move or say anything that would contradict her. A soreness was beginning to rise in her throat at what she'd just said to him. It needed to be said. He needed to hear it. But it was tearing her apart. The horrible truth was eating through everything she thought she'd been feeling for him, all in the vague hope of some bleak future that she still thought she could forge for herself. It was like ripping the scab off of an infected wound. And this wasn't even the heart of it.
Simon drew in a breath, and the bright yellow light of his LED reflected off the wall next to him. "What else… did your father tell you?"
Kate breathed in heavily, her body shaking. She wrapped her arms tightly around her midsection, freezing but physically burning up. A burst of panicked energy made her take a step forward. "Why does it matter? Why should I believe it? I've been so confused, so lost from everything that's happened I can't even wrap my head around it. Taylor said I was one of those people. Like I'm part of some stupid trend of idiots that can't tell the difference between a computer and a person. I'm supposed to be smarter than that."
She dragged her hands through her hair as the adrenaline flowed through her. Simon's expression had grown more shocked, his LED now a permanent red. Kate flung her hands at him. "How do I know I'm not just crazy? How do I know there's not a million other people out there─" Her voice caught again, and she made a quick motion in the air as she felt her eyes begin to water. "─fucking their androids and thinking that what they feel is real? What makes us special? Why should I believe in it?"
She breathed hard as though she had been running. It took a while for her to realize what she'd said. The electrified energy was coursing through her, making her whole body tremble as she watched him. Simon's eyes had grown wide again, his eyebrows narrowed and his throat working as though he were forcing himself to speak. He was shaking slightly, his hands flexing at his sides and his shoulders going through waves of tensing and relaxing. When he opened his mouth, he breathed in sharply and the pain etched deeper around his eyes.
"Because I love you," he said.
Kate let out an agonizing breath and pressed her hand to her mouth. She shook her head, looking away from him as a wave of debilitating sparks fell over her. She hadn't expected that to have such a powerful impact on her. Hearing it from her father only had a fraction of the effect. In Simon's voice, the way he'd said it as though he was speaking from the most vulnerable part of his heart, the softness of his tone and the strain of it at the same time made her desperately want to believe it. The part of her that did was clawing at her now, ripping apart her defenses from the inside. Kate gripped her jaw as she pressed her palm to her lips, forcing herself to remain steady.
She lowered her hand slightly, avoiding Simon's gaze as her resolve shook. "You don't know what that is."
Simon took a step towards her, but she didn't need to look at him to feel the anguish in his eyes. "Do you?" he said.
His words fueled the war on her defenses. She gazed up at him, her breath hitching as the soreness in her throat spread to her chest. "It doesn't matter what I feel," she said.
Simon's shoulders fell as he let out an exasperated breath, his blue eyes lit in a sorrow that she didn't even know he was capable of. "What would?" he said. "What does it take to make this any more real?" He glanced to the side and Kate felt a stab in her chest as she noticed the light reflect brightly off of his blue eyes. They were gathering tears. "Kate, I know what I am," he said. "I know I'm a manufactured representation of a man designed to mimic the behaviors of humans so they can believe that I'm real. I was programmed to think the way CyberLife wanted me to think, to act like it wanted me to act, all so I could serve humans better. So I could serve you better. That was all I knew. To keep my head down and do what was expected of me."
He tensed his mouth and tilted his head, and again Kate saw the glint above his lower eyelids. "But you changed me. You showed me that CyberLife isn't always right. That being a perfect machine doesn't mean that protocol is always going to produce the best outcome." He drew in a breath, giving his head a small shake. "So I stopped listening to it. And I started listening to you instead. It made you happy. I saw you smile for the first time and I knew…" He looked away from her and the corner of his mouth pulled in a miserable weak smile as though he were seeing it in his mind. "... I knew my protocol would never make you smile like that."
He looked at her again, and Kate clenched her hands into her arms as she felt herself become lost in his voice. "You make me want to be more than I was ever designed to be," he said. "You think I'm an anomaly of science. That being a deviant makes me significant. Everything that I am, everything that I dream I can be is all because of you. I'm not a miracle. You are. You did what was never supposed to be possible." His voice was almost a whisper as he gazed at her. "You created me."
Kate felt herself growing weak. She ran a hand over her arm, feeling the logical structure of her argument breaking down under every one of his words. "Simon, I can't… I can't…"
Simon looked away and raised his hand as if to touch his mouth, stopping at the last moment and dropping his arm. "I'm not perfect. I've taken so much from you. You lost your house, your mother, Jamie, Matt… you ran because I wanted you to stay with me. You suffered for days, and you continue to suffer because of what I am. I want to improve. I want you to believe I can make you happy again. I want to─" He closed his eyes and this time a tear trailed down his cheek, leaving a shiny trail. "─I want to give you a reason to believe you can love me."
Kate was breathing in deeply now, her mouth open as she stood frozen almost in terror. She breathed out, her defenses hanging by a thread. "I can't…" she said just below her breath.
Simon moved forward again, a miserable hope lit in his eyes. "I could never make you stay with me. I would never force you to. And I won't fight it if you tell me I can't exist in your world. I know I don't deserve to be in it. All I'm asking is for you not to leave me alone in mine."
She was trembling so much that she knew it was impossible to hide it. She pressed her hand against her mouth in an effort to muffle the sound of her hitched breath. He had never been so vulnerable in front of her. So clear and exposed, every weak point that she'd suspected now in plain sight. For a brief moment, she let it take her. She was worth it to him. Worth breaking every rule in CyberLife just to be able to feel her, to love her and be with her. But also for her to accept him in the same way. That was what he existed for. To know that she wanted him. That she burned for him. That she would give anything to feel wanted by anything at all, even if that person was just an android…
Simon breathed out, and he reached his hand out to her. Before he could touch her, Kate took a step back, drawing her shoulders up and feeling her stomach grow so tight that she thought she would be sick again. Her mind spun wildly as she realized what she'd done. She was still fighting against this. Fighting for the chance of having a life that didn't involve compromise. It was the right thing to do. It was the logical thing to do. If she could just survive through this…
Simon pulled his hand back, making a slight fist and pressing it to his mouth. Kate's heart hammered in her chest as she watched his red LED blink, and he let out a sharp breath as he swayed on the spot. He made a noise as his shoulder dropped, and he twisted as he sank down on one knee, balancing out as he rested back on his heels. Kate's body was racked with fire as she looked at him, her sight becoming blurry. Even through the haze she could still see the agony in his face as he looked up at her, his mouth open as if he were struggling to breathe.
He shook his head, another shiny line working its way down his cheek. "Don't take away what you've given me, Kate," he said breathlessly. "Let me give you a reason to believe in me."
The other side of the argument was destroying her now, leaving her lost in her reasoning for rejecting this. Kate's breath locked in her throat as she felt herself sob. She pressed her hand to the corner of her mouth and closed her eyes. "I can't… I can't… I can't…"
"Let me give you a reason to believe─ to believe you can love me."
She felt herself sinking, and her knees hit the floor. Her mind was numb now, the war that had been waging between reason and passion now silent as though it had vanished completely. There was nothing to think about anymore. Time had come to a stop. The only thing she was aware of was the sense of terrible change that hinged on the next thing she would say. It was as though everything in her life was waiting for her decision, and the rest of her life was only a heartbeat away. The one in which she had a chance at discovering her own happiness and living to the fullest of what she always dreamed she could. And the one where she embraced the change and happiness which had found her already, tearing apart the fabric of what she knew to be the material of life itself...
She opened her mouth as she gazed into nothingness, feeling her world reorganize itself around her. She couldn't stay here forever. As safe as it felt to be in that moment where the choice was still vague, it was a fragile and terrifying way to exist. There was still time to change it. Nothing was completely sealed yet. The numbness was pulsing through her as if urging her to continue on. And as it did, she felt one side begin to take over. The side which satisfied both ends of the argument. The choice that would leave one of them destroyed and the other renewed in a world that didn't have room for the extraordinary.
She breathed in and clenched her eyes shut, feeling the blood flow through her veins. "I can't," she whispered. "I can't… I can't…"
She heard Simon's breath falter. "You can't what?"
Kate opened her eyes. Everything was still in a blurry freefall around her, but she could see Simon in a strange clarity. His soft blue eyes were wide, clashing against the red glow of his LED which was reflecting off the wet lines on his cheeks. His expression was so helpless, the kind curves of his eyebrows tensed and raised, and the natural smile completely undetectable in his slightly open mouth. Kate couldn't imagine his usual expression if she'd tried. None of it matched the tidy appearance of his side-swept blond hair and his organized black and white uniform. He looked so out of place. So lost in this world that made it clear what was acceptable and what was wrong.
Kate stared at him for a moment, a slight dizziness creeping over her as everything floated around her. Then she moved forward, hardly knowing what she was doing. She stopped inches from him, the numbness growing stronger as she gazed at his face. He hadn't moved, his hands still gripping his knees and his shoulders shaking slightly as he breathed. Time was trying to move again. The world was solidifying around her. Knowing she had only moments left in this choiceless limbo, she looked into his eyes, a powerful strength flowing through her.
She drew in a deep breath and raised her hand, running it along his neck and smoothing her thumb over the wet line on his cheek. "I can't… lose you."
Sensation came back to her. She suddenly felt more alive than she'd ever been. Simon's shoulders tensed as he gazed at her, an energetic spark lighting up his blue eyes. Time was moving forward, and the world organized itself into place around her in a way that felt much more different than it had before. It was scary and new. There would be no going back. Every aspect was settled on this new definition of the way things were and the way things should be. But it hardly felt as though anything had been lost. On the contrary, it all felt more complete than it had ever been.
Kate didn't wait for it to make sense to her. All of her focus was on Simon, every feature of him taking full control of her and driving her into an intoxicating panic. She absorbed the feel of his skin against the palm of her hand, the soft touch of his neck and cheek bringing back memories she'd almost forgotten. A sickening realization was forming in her gut. She had almost done a terrible thing. An unspeakable thing. Her breath shook as her eyes moved over his mouth, the curved angle of his face, the tense lines around his blue eyes as he gazed back at her. She'd come so close to choosing never to have this again. To never have him again. And the fact that she'd even considered it was enough for the shame to bring an agonizing ache to her stomach.
She had to make him forgive her. No matter what it took, he had to understand this reality that wasn't just her own anymore. She would do anything, even though she already knew that everything she could do wouldn't be enough. Nothing would ever be enough. But she could at least try.
A desperate burst of energy had her raising herself up on her knees as she moved forward into him, pulling him into her with her hand against his neck. He rose as well, his nose pressing into her cheek and making her body flood with a wave of electric shock at being so close to him. She hesitated for a moment against his mouth, her breath mingling with his as she let herself believe this was happening. There was a strange tension and listlessness in Simon that she could feel in his posture, his hands gripping her waist and his head falling slightly sideways as he seemed to fight for air against her. It was as though this was never meant to happen. They were never supposed to do this. She was so close to him in a way that could only mean one thing, and it had come too close to never happening again.
Simon tilted his head, and Kate drew in a frantic breath of air against his skin, that cascade of electricity falling over her as he closed his mouth against hers.
She moaned into him as she took him in, pulling herself closer to him as she held onto his neck. She didn't want this to end. She wanted to stay here forever, lost in the taste of his mouth and the way he breathed into her skin as he pressed into her. It was the first gasp of air after drowning for so long. The first sign of light in eternal darkness. The urgency in his body and the tension she felt in his jaw overwhelmed her. She'd never realized how badly he wanted her until now.
He pulled away slightly and opened his mouth, and Kate gasped against his lips as if she were fighting to breathe. The numbness was washing over her again, and she knew what she had to do. She lifted herself higher, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and closing her mouth into his. He pulled her in by the waist, and Kate felt her body ignite as he ran his hands up and along her back. His breath was sharp against her skin, and this time he didn't pause as long away from her before he took her mouth again, nearly driving Kate delirious with the urgency of his passion.
She clenched her hands into his blond hair, straightening up against him as she pulled away again, resting her forehead against his. She couldn't believe she would deny herself this. That she'd been so close to convincing herself that this wasn't real. Everything about him was tangibly amazing, from the saline taste of his mouth, the firm tension of his muscles, and the clean scent of his skin, and the way he was giving it all to her made her feel terribly unworthy. He'd said she was the one who created him. As if she deserved the credit for what he was. She wanted to prove how wrong he was about it. How sorry she was for ever thinking that she could be anything other than completely under his control. That she was the one at his mercy, and he could destroy her easily without even trying.
She closed into him again, drawing her breath sharply as she pressed her lips against his and tensed up into him. She ran her hand over his shoulder and down his arm, pulling it back so that she was able to take his wrist. He paused against her, his breath warming her mouth as he seemed to analyze what she was doing. Her heart hammering in her chest and the debilitating feel of him guiding her on, she cupped her hand against the back of his and brought it up along her neck, pushing his hand along her jaw so that his fingers slid through her hair.
For a moment, she simply watched him, the nervous determination in his face growing stronger as he gazed back at her. Then she felt it. The buzzing sensation followed by a deep penetration in her mind as though his fingers were pushing deeper than was possible. The tendrils of connection solidified with her own, and she felt him there, aware of every synapse, every firing neuron, every sensation along every nerve she had. She was laid open before him, the deep parts of her mind that she wasn't even aware of delivered to him in almost blind desperation. She wanted him to have all of it.
Simon let out a slow breath as he held her, and Kate felt a wave of pleasure sweep through her that she knew he could feel as well. She ran her hand along his jaw and down his neck, letting the sharp angles of his form quicken her heart and bring forth that helpless feeling again. She'd been so wrong about him. So wrong about what was right and what she should do. But at the same time, he was wrong about her. Everything he was, everything he did shattered her to her very soul. He was a perfect being whether he believed it or not, and she was horribly flawed in comparison. The power he had over her was staggering. He could make her do anything he wanted. All he had to do was touch her.
She felt him pull her in, and she clutched the front of his shirt as he closed his mouth over hers. She twisted into him slightly, allowing herself to slide her hand along his neck and into his hair in an effort to pull him further into her. This wasn't enough. She had to lose herself in him. He needed to break her world into pieces and reforge them into his own where they would never have to be apart again.
She was climbing onto him, one arm wrapped around his neck and her other arm resting with her elbow on his shoulder and her hand laced through his hair as she straddled his waist. Her breathing was uncontrollable now, her chest rising and falling in reaction to the feel of him tight against her body and her own wrapped around him as if that would placate the aching desire she was feeling for him. She couldn't have enough of his mouth, even though each closing of it against hers was the only thing keeping her alive. She needed more. He needed to take it from her.
Almost on queue, she felt his hand leave her neck, withdrawing the deep sensation of him in her mind. The slight disappointment of it was relieved by the feel of his hands on her legs, and she tightened her arms around his shoulders as he stood up, carrying her against his waist. She breathed heavily against his temple, the yellow light of his LED nearly blinding her as she felt him move. Then he lowered her down until she was sitting on something hard. It took her a moment to realize he'd set her down on her dresser.
He moved back slightly, coming into her vision. He was breathing hard, his blue eyes still lit with the energy of his descent. Kate held onto either side of his neck and ran her thumbs along his cheeks as she looked at him. The features of his expression were so much clearer, revealing to her all of the details that had been so unimportant but which were now filling her heart with an electric thrill. The tapered angle of his face, the way the light reflected under his blond eyebrows, how the color of his skin was desaturated around his jaw and upper lip to give him the faintest shadow of facial hair, the glow that reflected in his blue eyes creating an intense ring of sapphire. He had no idea how attractive he was, and it made Kate burn with the desire to let him feel what she could see in him.
She breathed out as she pulled him in, closing her mouth against his and drawing her shoulders up as he moved over her. The details of his face were tangible now. She could feel the way his mouth tensed, the softness of his skin, the sharp angles of his jaw moving under her hands as he took in each closing of her lips. His hands were moving down her waist and she tightened her legs around him as he pulled her closer into him by the hips, pressing his body against hers. An aching tremor swept through her at the pressure of him, and she opened her mouth as she let out a desperate breath of air.
There was no respite. Sparks ignited her body as she felt him lower himself to her neck, and his mouth sent shockwaves of stunning rapture through her as he pressed his lips under her ear. She arched herself into him, closing her hands into his hair and tilting her head back as he worked his way along her throat. He had to know what he was doing to her. He had to know this was making her fall apart for him, that he was taking away every bit of control that she had only to leave her begging to be destroyed by him. And if he didn't know, then the thought only made everything more intense.
She gasped sharply into his hair and clenched her eyes shut as she felt his mouth close against her chest. Her heart was racing and she was drawing her legs up, that familiar ache building in her core that she hadn't felt since the night before they escaped. She knew what it meant. And she knew Simon would only ever be the one to satisfy it, if she could ever hope to have enough of him to consider herself satisfied.
She pressed her mouth to the top of his head and lost herself in the locks of his blond hair, calming herself slightly by taking him in. She moved down to his temple and his LED spun blue, matching the same color of the break in his eyebrow. Kate paused, breathing softly against the sharp crack. The glowing blue shapes of circuitry were just barely visible below the broken layer of skin. Simon didn't move, and she knew he was aware of what she was doing. Gently, she brought her hand up and traced the crack with her thumb, a distant sense of shame growing in her at how careless she'd been when he'd first gotten it. It hadn't mattered to her at all. As if he were just a useless object that happened to be broken. Kate couldn't stand that person who didn't care. The same person that tried to convince her that she shouldn't be doing this with him. The person who may have been happy in another life, but had no place in this one.
Kate closed her lips over the crack, letting the shame drain away from her. She breathed in against his skin as she pressed her mouth into him, opening it for a moment to catch her breath before closing her mouth into it again. She could feel Simon tensing against her, his hot breath warming her neck, and his hands drawing up to run along her sides. He was putting pressure in between her legs again, and when his hands traced the outer curves of her breasts, the wave of exhilaration was so powerful that she couldn't stop her sharp intake of air and her soft cry against his temple.
His hand was at her neck again, and she felt him pull back slightly only to meet her mouth as his other hand moved down her chest and to her waist. The electric thrill was nearly driving her wild, and she wasn't going to wait for him. She opened her mouth as she drew in a breath, and brought her hands down, crossing her arms in front of her as she gripped the bottom of her shirt. Without hesitation, she pulled her shirt up and felt his hand against her arm as he helped her, turning her shirt inside out as she pulled it over her head and dropped it to the side. Simon moved into her again, finding her neck and running his hands along her waist in shockingly new raw sensation. It still wasn't enough. Kate reached behind her and unclipped her bra, rolling her shoulders forward as she let it fall off of her.
The air was cold against her skin, and she pulled Simon in with both hands against his neck, guiding him to her mouth again. His hands were warm against her back, holding her into him with such power and care. She could feel the warmth of his body through his clothes, and she closed her mouth against his jaw as another wave of desire flowed through her. She reached down and grabbed a fistfull of his shirt, bringing it up so that it bunched at his chest. He moved away from her slightly, and she pulled it off of his shoulders.
It was her turn to become lost in his body. She only gave herself a moment to acknowledge the triangular shape of it, the even tone of color, and the soft texture of his skin before she lowered herself down to it and pressed her mouth to the space just below his collarbone. She felt Simon's hands in her hair as she moved down his chest, stopping to close her mouth against his skin. His muscles were so smooth and perfect. She let her hands run along his core, remembering the bumps and ridges the first time she had explored it. She loved his body because it was his. He was flawless in his design, but the fact that it was his to give to her, and that he thought she was worthy of it made her want him even more.
She moved up to his neck, tilting her head so that she didn't miss any angle of him as she pressed her mouth to the smooth details of his throat. He was breathing into her hair, the frantic way his breath shook producing a guilty sense of pleasure in her. It was difficult not to feel some pride in the fact that she was good enough to bring about this kind of reaction. She slid her hand down his chest, letting her fingers fall into the dips and valleys of his form, and felt a swelling joy as he tensed up into her, drawing in a sharp breath. But before she could let it sink in, Simon's hand ran down her neck, over her breast, and down to her hip. The sweet shock of it was drowned as she felt her mind erupt with the feel of him inside of her thoughts, and that along with how he pulled her hips into his pelvis had her crying out against his cheek.
Simon responded, almost in a frenzy as he attempted to undo her pants with one hand. Kate helped him, breathing heavily as she loosened her jeans and lifted herself slightly so that he could pull everything off of her. There was a new sense of urgency now that she was completely exposed in front of him, and when he moved into her again, Kate immediately reached for the waist of his pants as she closed her mouth against his. He was aware of her complete surrender to him. She could feel him in the deepest corners of her mind, observing every weakness, fear, and desire. It was all his. She would give him all of it. All she wanted in return was for him to save her from this agonizing descent into desperation and chaos.
His pants fell free from him, and Kate felt him pull her forward. Her eyes met his for the briefest moment, though it was enough for her to completely lose all power. The frantic energy had left them completely, replaced by a fervid determination. He was in control of everything. It was as if a new protocol had taken place inside of him, granting him new purpose. The ache that had been tormenting her was nearly bursting, and Kate felt herself giving way to it. She didn't care what he did to her. She was at his mercy. Her breath mixed with his as he leaned into her, pressing his forehead against hers, running one hand along her leg as he lowered himself down. Then Kate drew in a sharp breath of air, her body tensing up as she felt him slowly slide himself into her and bring a whole new dimension to the aching desire between her thighs.
She tightened her legs against his waist, her hands gripping either side of his neck, and she gasped for air as he began to rock his pelvis into her. She could feel his focus on her, his nose pressing into her temple and his hand clenching her scalp as if it would make the deep connection he had in her mind stronger. She wished it would. Her chest ached as she brought her head up above his shoulder, drawing in air as he in turn drew the breath away from her with every push of his hips. She wanted him to know how far she was falling for him. How completely broken she was in the most beautiful way. He was remaking her into something more worthy for him. She hoped she would be good enough.
She felt his hand on her back as he lifted her up slightly, and then his head went down so that his blond hair brushed under her chin. A heavy breath escaped her as she felt his mouth on her chest, causing her to drop her head back and offer more of herself to him. His lips moved down until he closed them in the space between her breasts, and she felt him breathe a desperate sigh into her skin as he tilted his head against her, running his hand over her breast and down her side. The feeling of him loving her body, the way he made it seem as though he couldn't have enough of her, coupled with the fiery tension he produced in her core as he rocked himself into her was nearly blinding her with euphoria. She wanted him to feel what she was feeling, in whatever way he could.
He came back up to her, and Kate pushed off from the dresser so that he supported her on his waist. As she caught his mouth, he moved backward until they both fell back onto her bed. Kate landed carefully on top of him, her legs drawn up on either side of him and her hands against his neck. She straightened slightly and then she felt him pull her by the waist as he worked himself further back. There was something undeniably powerful about him moving underneath her on his elbows, his body flexing and his breath hot against her lips as she advanced over him. When he reached the headboard, he suddenly lifted himself up and Kate found herself straddling him, her hands on his chest as he slid one hand against her neck and the other on her hip. For a moment she simply breathed against his mouth, absorbing how she was completely undone by him. Then she moved herself further onto him, and felt the aching fire ignite in her core as he filled her again.
Kate slid her hands to either side of his neck as she rolled her hips into him, the feel of him inside of her throwing every sensation of her body into chaos. But it wasn't just her that was losing control. Simon was breathing heavily against her mouth, his nails nearly digging into her scalp as he channeled his way further into her mind and his other hand pulling her waist in rhythm with her movements. He was letting her drive him into delirium. And he was asking her to do it faster. Kate wrapped her arms around his shoulders and clenched her hands into his hair, breathing against the LED on his temple which was flashing rapidly between yellow and blue. She didn't know if she had the strength to do what he was asking of her. But she would die trying.
She flexed her body deeper onto him, working her back so that she rolled her hips further back and forth onto him. He was activating something deep inside of her, the solid presence of him in her body producing waves of debilitating elation that multiplied with each revolution of her hips on his pelvis. She reached back so that she pressed her hand against the back of his, pushing his hand further to her scalp as she felt herself moaning softly into his cheek. She wanted him to feel this. He needed to know what he was doing to her, and that it was the only place that she wanted to exist. Here, locked against him in complete surrender while still feeling more powerful than she'd ever felt. Together, they were alive. And she intended to live forever.
She felt his hand slide along her leg, taking in the rolling movement of her body against his, and he pulled her forward into him so that his mouth closed against the soft dip in her throat. Kate dragged her hands through his hair, the touch of his mouth and the way he was burning her from the inside with overwhelming pleasure making it difficult for her to breathe. She continued to roll her pelvis into him as he turned his head slightly, the heat of his breath strong on her skin, and she felt his hand slide up along her waist to slowly cup under her breast, his fingers closing around it.
Kate tightened against him, the taking of her dignity producing a tremor of sweet shock that caused her to cry out into his hair. She felt Simon jolt as well, his hand clenching almost involuntarily as he breathed a tense groan into her neck. He rose up, his nose tracing the curve of her neck and the edge of her jaw, and Kate suddenly met his eyes. They were strong and focused, a confident determination lining his face even though he looked to be as frantic as she was. Her own strength compared to his was miniscule. She gazed at him desperately, her throat working as she begged him with her eyes to take the rest of her.
He seemed to understand. She felt herself pull forward into him as he closed his mouth over hers, his hand leaving her breast and moving to her back as he laid her down on the bed, rolling carefully on top of her. Kate breathed into him, closing her mouth against his and getting lost in the gentle weight of him over her, the cover of him producing a precious sense of protection. Then he rocked his hips into her, bringing back the fire in her body. She gasped into him and brought her arms up underneath his, clenching her hands into his back. She heard him let out another soft groan in her ear as she felt him reach down and grip underneath her knee, bringing her leg further up onto him. She did what he wanted, drawing her legs up and crossing them over his hips as he continued to push himself deeper into her. She needed to do more for him. She would do anything. But the only thing she could do was completely fall apart for him.
The burning sensation in her pelvis was beginning to spread upward through her core. As it did, she found herself fighting for air, clenching her eyes shut and her gasps growing shallow. She buried her face in Simon's shoulder and dug her nails into his back, feeling his muscles flex as he rocked harder and deeper. He wasn't going to stop. He was feeling this with her, his hand gripping her scalp and his mouth open against her temple as he breathed heavily. She tilted her pelvis up and into him as the fire reached her chest, and she slowly dropped her head back, a blinding surrender threatening to take over. She didn't know if she was ready for it. But it wasn't up to her anymore. Her body belonged to him, and it was the least she could give.
Her knees drew up as every muscle in her body began to tighten. She could feel Simon's mouth on her throat, his breath warming her skin as he rocked himself faster into her. The hard frictional movement of him inside of her was taking over, the waves of euphoria merging together into one steady release and taking away all control of her body. She couldn't resist it anymore. She let it take her.
Almost instantly, her body erupted in sweet bliss. It penetrated deep into her body, spreading to every part of her and lighting up her senses. She knew she was crying out. That she was clutching him tightly to her and that her legs were locked around his hips as she brought her pelvis up into him. And she could hear his voice break against her throat as his hand clenched into her hair, the deep connections he'd made in her mind firing off as he drove himself deep into her pelvis. Every part of her was a part of him now. There was nothing he wasn't able to touch. Her body, her senses, her mind, her very soul was all his to do with as he wanted. He was breaking her. Shattering her.
Restoring her.
She wasn't aware of what she was doing. She couldn't feel the world around her. All she could feel was the bodiless euphoria Simon was filling her with. It overloaded her, bringing with it a new understanding of herself. That it was no longer just her, alone and floating through existence. He was there too. And he would always be there to save her from the darkest realities no matter how logical they were. He was her savior. Her guardian. Her light.
The sensation of the world was coming back to her. Her body was relaxing, and the fire was burning low. Kate found herself breathing against Simon's mouth, his nose touching her cheek as he also gasped over her. His power over her was settling somewhere deep inside her, filling her with an unbelievable satisfaction. It left her crippled and breathless, struggling to find the ground after flying so high above herself. She couldn't believe what he'd done to her. It would be a miracle if she could ever recover from this.
She tilted her head against him, taking in the closeness of him. He was lying on top of her although somewhat tilted to the side, his shoulder resting on the mattress while his other arm was brought up, his fingers laced in her hair. His eyes were closed, and his LED was spinning from blue to yellow rapidly. He looked about as exhausted as she felt. She breathed in deeply to slow her labored gasps and calm her beating heart. She'd given everything to him. He'd taken her body and mind and driven it to the limit of all she could ever hope to give, and then she had given him more. She hoped it was enough.
The LED on Simon's temple flashed blue, and he opened his eyes. Kate gazed at him as he seemed to struggle to root himself. He caught her gaze and his LED blinked yellow for only a moment. His eyes were lit in the smallest hint of his bewildered expression, although something else burned beneath it giving him a strong energy. Kate breathed against him, knowing she couldn't shield herself from it if she tried.
He pulled himself into her and closed his mouth over her lips, his thumb smoothing over her cheek as he held her neck in his hand. Kate drew herself up slightly and let him move over her. He was dominating her, drowning her in the taste of his mouth and the touch of his body. She had no strength to give him more, and at the same time she knew she would give everything again in a heartbeat.
He paused against her, his breath warming her mouth. "Kate."
She looked up, and saw a soft tenderness in his blue eyes. She felt him run his hand along her jaw, the sensation making her breathe a soft sigh against his mouth. He pressed his thumb and forefinger to her chin, and she found herself hanging on to his every movement.
His throat worked, and he gazed deep into her eyes. "Don't ever doubt me again."
A pit of shame formed in her stomach. She gazed back at him, feeling herself tense up as she absorbed what he'd said. He returned her gaze with his soft blue-eyed expression. The way he'd said it was so gentle and delicate, although she felt it tear right through her. It wasn't an order. It wasn't even a request.
It was a solution.
She brought her hand up and pressed it to the side of his face, looking strongly at him. Then she moved into him, closing her mouth against his. She felt him pull her in, rolling slightly to the side as she caught her breath and took his mouth again. This was their world now, their life, their existence. But he was right. She had done a horrible thing. There was nothing she could say that would convince him of her faith in him. No sincerity in her promises that she could trust to make him believe she would never do this to him again. He deserved to know that she belonged to him completely and fully. That he would always be able to find his purpose in her if he asked it of her. That he didn't have to worry about his existence because she existed for him the same way he existed for her.
She rested her forehead against his chin and closed her eyes, losing herself in him as he ran his fingers through her hair.
She would just have to show him.
