She stood there alone for a while. He wasn't coming back, she thought. He'd been angry when he drove off, angry at her and with every right in the world to be. She'd betrayed him. She was panicked and she wasn't thinking straight and she'd blurted out the one thing she should have known would hurt him. And it did.
"It didn't mean anything." The words played over in her mind. What was she thinking? Of course it meant something. It meant everything. She'd known it all along, but she'd been able to hide those feelings away, in the place where all her dreams slept. But then he'd gone and ruined the whole charade, the carefully balanced dance of emotions and denial that kept her going no matter how hopeless her future seemed. He pulled down the veil that revealed her true feelings, and there was no recovering from that. And now he was gone, because she'd stuck with the lie at the very moment the truth stared her straight in the face.
Roy had walked in on them and seen the whole thing, seen him kiss her, seen her kiss him back and run her hand through his hair. He'd watched while the two of them just stared at each other, and that had hurt him most. But instead of letting him be hurt and letting him deal with that on his own, she went after him and tried to salvage the lie that had already been shattered. And in doing that, she'd basically told Jim she wasn't ready to give it all up for him. "It didn't mean anything." Of course it meant everything. He was her best friend, like she'd just told her mom. But he was more than that. He was there for her all the time when she needed someone, all those times when Roy should've been there and wasn't. She called him a friend like either one of them believed it and he went along because it wasn't his place to tell her how to feel about him.
But he'd won her over long ago, with rooftop moments and drunken stumbles and countless office games to fight the boredom of jobs with no future but a surprisingly rich present. He must have been suffocating, watching her wedding date approach, seeing her plan and make lists and order this and fight with vendors over that. It was why he'd complained. And it was why he booked that trip to Australia of all places two days before. Not only could he not stand to watch her not choose him, he had to fly to the other side of the world two days before.
He looked like he was going to tell her something, something important but not what he'd ultimately said. He said he loved her. No, he said he was in love with her, a more tangible way to say the same thing. But that wasn't what he had in mind. There was something else, she was sure. But what? She couldn't ask him now, though, could she?
She could only stand in the parking lot, no best friend and no fiancée in sight. Poor Roy. It was so clear now. She couldn't marry him. Why wasn't it clear five minutes ago when she'd ran after him in a panic and pleaded with him not to go? He should go. He deserved better, and so did she. They each deserved someone who loved them, not just someone they'd always been with. She started back toward the warehouse. Ryan and Kelly were coming the other way, Kelly going on about every one of the women's dresses while Ryan tried not so hard to look like he was listening.
"Oh my God, Pam! You looked so beautiful tonight. Roy is so lucky," Kelly proclaimed, and not for the first time tonight.
The 7&7s had gone to her head. Ryan rolled his eyes and held up the keys to indicate he was driving her home. Talk about two people who didn't belong together, Pam thought. She half-smiled without really looking up as she walked past them. She needed a ride, but she'd rather deal with Angela's judgmental silence and Dwight's awkward conversation for 20 minutes than spend a minute in Ryan's Corolla listening to Kelly tell her how beautiful everyone looked.
Inside, the games were going strong, despite the fact that it was getting near midnight. The service guys from Vance Refrigeration had taken over the blackjack table, but she spotted Dwight, Angela, Kevin and Phyllis around the craps table, where Bob Vance seemed to be making a big show of his dice rolls. She started to make her way over when she saw Michael out of the corner of her eye. He was coming over, but not with his usually intent look he had when he was rehearsing whatever one-line he'd stolen from or from his tear-off desk calendar to try on her. He looked, she thought for a moment, sad? Two dates with two beautiful women on the same night, his dream, and he looked sad?
"I saw Jim before," he began.
She tensed up. He wasn't going to give her advice about how to handle a crush, she hoped.
"He was pretty upset," Michael went on. "I stopped him and asked him where he was going. He just said he had to settle something. And find something out too. I told him it was bad form to leave early on a night when lady luck was calling the shots, but he said he'd be back soon and just pulled away."
"Pulled away?" she said. "You mean you talked to him right before he drove off? What else did he say? Did he say where he was going?"
"Pam, I know I'm not half as savvy in the ways of love as I like to pretend. Hell, tonight I could barely juggle two dates – not as much fun as you'd think, by the way. But you and I both know Jim's got it bad for you. I spilled those beans to you long ago. Well, right now I'm not your boss or even your coworker. I'm just a friend who cares, and I think you should consider what you'll be giving up if you go ahead with this wedding. Jim looked tonight like a guy who was ready to give up. If he thinks Stamford will answer all his problems, he's got another thing coming."
She wasn't totally listening, but what she heard made sense. It was hardly advice on a par with keeping an eye on her "ticking timebags," or any of Michael's other sage bits of wisdom. It actually made sense. What was worse was he'd seen things so clearly even before she had. The man who subscribed to Cracked Magazine and kept a Carnac turban in his desk drawer knew more about her love life than she did herself.
"Thank you, Michael. I appreciate that," she said. "But I think it may be too late."
And with that she walked away, finding the bar and ordering a rum and coke that she downed in almost a single gulp. She asked for a refill that she sipped more sensibly as she took up a position next to Kevin, who was fully engaged in conceiving lewd rhymes with which to cheer on Bob Vance, who'd gotten himself on a bit of a roll, so to speak.
There was a pit in her stomach, thinking about all the time they'd lost. She could have been with him long ago, but she'd blown it. How she'd ever explain to her family and friends and Roy's family what had happened, she didn't know and didn't much care at the moment. Roy was too angry to even talk to her, and she couldn't blame him. It was Jim who'd put himself out on a limb like that. He'd extended himself so many times. And he'd given it one last shot. Then it hit her. What had Michael meant about Stamford solving all Jim's problems? Was he leaving? Without saying goodbye? He couldn't.
Just then she saw him by the door, his eyes fixed on her. He hadn't gone yet.
