Thanks for the nice reviews again! I couldn't type up much yesterday, since we had a pretty bad thunderstorm, but for it I have written up to page 55 now. : ) So pretty much to type u. I only hope that I will be able to type up more before my exams start at college. Well, I hope you will like this chapter ( I think it's the longest so far…) too and that you will review on it. ; )
Changes Chapter 7
When he reached his room again, Logan found Jean standing at the window looking outside. Silently, he closed the door. "Why didn't you come in?", he asked her, knowing that she must have known he would smell her immediately. He stepped behind her.
"There was no need for it…", she answered calmly. "I heard what they said…"
"Especially then you should have entered, Jean…"
"So that the can tell me straight ahead that they want me to leave!"
He shook his head. "Chuck doesn't want you to leave, Jean. Neither do I."
"No, he hopes that I can settle things…"
"Jean…"
"I ruined it… I can never gain back their trust, not after what I've done…" Her head sank down.
Logan came closer, now standing right behind her.
"I destroyed my own family, Logan…"
"No, you didn't, Jean…"
She started to sob again. "Why am I here!", she asked crying. "So that I can pay for my actions? Hell couldn't be much worse…"
"Don't say something like that! You still have a family, Jean. And this family lives and cares about you…"
She laughed sarcastically. "Who? The Professor?"
"And me…", he said barely audible. "Jean, I told you I'll protect you, no matter what. If you want to go, I'll go. I'm not leaving your side anymore, Jeannie…"
Slowly she turned around, feeling moved by his words. "How? How can you say that after all I've done…?"
He laid one hand on her cheek, stroking it gently. "Because it wasn't you who did it. You're not capable of such things…"
"How do you want to know…?"
"Because I know you, Jean! And since I beat the animal in me, I know that you'll be able to beat it in you, too." He smiled at her, causing her just to cry harder.
"Will you help me?", she asked while sobbing harder.
"Gently he took her into his arms, letting her cry on his shoulder. "Of course I will…"
They just stood there and embraced another. Jean rested her head on his chest, the eyes closed. "What time is it?", she asked softly.
"Past 3 p.m. …You're hungry?"
She nodded.
"Let's go eat something then…", Logan said holding her hand. "Do you want me to get something?"
Jean looked down thinking. "I'll want to try it…"
"You're sure?"
She nodded, but still he could read in her eyes that she was afraid and insecure. "'Kay…let's try then." He led her towards the door and opened it. Slowly Jean walked out of his room, never leaving his side or letting go of his hand. "If it's too much for you to handle…", he began as she nodded. "I'll let you know…"
"Good." Together they slowly walked the way down to the kitchen.
After he had led Jean down to the kitchen and they had finished eating, they'd went back to his room. Logan had sensed Jean's fear and tension the whole time through, wishing he could help her somehow… After they'd returned to his room they'd spent the evening sitting on his bed, she resting her head on his shoulder, he holding her tight and gently stroking over her back.
In the following weeks, Jean did her best to avoid everyone. If she left the room than only with Logan on her side, believing that only he could help her shutting down the Phoenix, but also needing his closeness. Jean still even hadn't talked to the Professor, yet. She couldn't stand looking into his eyes after what she's done, even if she knew that he wasn't blaming her. But still she felt guilty, believed that everything was her fault and couldn't open his door when she stood in front of it. She couldn't even understand how Logan could stand being close to her day after day, allowing her to stay in his room, to share his bed. She had hurt him badly and she wanted to kill him back then… Jean could remember the pain he had to endure when the Phoenix had attacked him. She remembered him fighting his way towards her, how desperately he fought against the pain which had weakened him and had caused his body to use most of his power for healing the injuries. Nevertheless, she could also remember his last words… Jean had known it before, but hearing them from him had nearly torn her apart…
As she woke up one morning she directly looked into Logan's face. He was still sleeping, which surprised her since he usually always awoke either with or before her. Jean took her time to study his sleeping form. Her eyes were wandering over his face while her fingers gently traced his features. She couldn't tell why she did it, she just felt like doing it. As her fingers touched his mouth, he snorted and twisted his face. While moving he slowly opened his eyes. Jean blushed and gave him a shy smile. "Morning."
"Mornin'", he gave back, looking at her suspiciously.
She looked down, breaking eye contact. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you…"
Logan stretched and rolled over so that he laid on his back now, rubbing his eyes. "No problem. How was your night?", he asked looking at her again.
Jean shrugged. "Okay, I think…"
Logan rolled over again, resting his head in his hands smirking. "You think!"
"Well, since nothing changed over night I think I slept through…"
He gave her one of his rare smiles which made her heart jump for a moment. "Any plans for today?"
"No, you?"
He shook his head. "Not yet…"
An uncomfortable silence filled the room and Logan felt that she was thinking about something important. Since Jean was staring, he put a hand to her cheek. "What's wrong?"
She looked up, exchanging glances with him. "I was thinking…"
"About what?"
"Moving back to my old room…"
Abruptly, Logan sat up, his heart racing and staring at her disbelief. "Why?", he asked shocked.
She sighed. "Logan, this is your room", Jean began to explain calmly. "I don't want you to get rid off your privacy. Everyone needs a place for himself and I am hindering you…"
"That's bullshit!"
She almost jumped as he raised his voice, looking shocked at him. Logan noticed it and tried to concentrate on calming himself. "Look", he began and turned around so that he now sat opposite to her. "You can stay as long as you want here, Jeannie… I wouldn't even mind if you stayed forever. I already got used to your presence."
"Really?", she asked feeling insecure.
"I wouldn't say it otherwise, would I? And I know that you are afraid of being alone. I feel it every time we leave the room…"
She looked down, staring at her hand and felt embarrassed. She had hoped he wouldn't notice it.
"There's no need for you to leave, Jean. I'd be the last one to say no to have you as my roommate." He winked.
Jean smiled because of his last sentence, knowing that it was his intention to make her smile. "I was being stupid…sorry…"
"Yeah, that's right. You were!", teased her and stood up, making his way towards the bath room.
"How did you do it?"
Logan stopped turning around. "Do what?"
Jean sat up. "How did you beat him?"
Finally, he knew what she was talking about. Logan stepped forward. "I didn't beat him, Jean…"
Jean frowned. "But you never freak out like I do. At least I haven't seen you…"
He sighed and sat down besides her again, looking for the right words. "I learned to control him, but he's still inside of me and will ever be. I only learned to keep him calm…but it's not working always."
"How?"
"By training and because of…", he stopped not daring to say it.
Jean tried to look into his eyes. "Because of?"
"…you…", Logan finally said, returning her gaze. "You helped me control him even more."
She felt deeply moved by his words and looked down with a slight smile.
"Ask Rogue. She had met Wolverine…", he said after a few moments.
"When?", Jean asked curiously and surprised, completely paying attention to him.
"Back when Stryker attacked the mansion. I pretty much killed every soldier. The problem is that Wolverine knows no fear. If Rogue hadn't talked me into running away with them…well, I don't know what would happen then…"
"When does he take over?", she asked after a few minutes, thinking about his words.
Logan shrugged. "When I am really pissed off…or if fear takes over. When I have my back to the wall and I have to defend myself."
Jean was surprised. It was the same with her. The Phoenix took over when she got annoyed or was afraid, if her emotions went wild… Jean took his hands and looked into his eyes absolutely determined. "Teach me!", she said.
"What?", he backed off a little, not knowing what to say.
"Please, teach me, Logan! I want to control her, I want to have a life again…", she pleaded.
He didn't answer immediately. Jean was disappointed, especially because he showed no reaction. "You promised to help me…", she whispered.
" I know. And I will, Jean!", Logan answered determined. "But…"
"But?"
"It's hard, Jean. Very hard. It's like getting rid off an addiction."
"You think I am too week…" Jean's expression changed immediately and she let go of his hands. She now looked very sad and disappointed. She's thought that especially he would help her and understand her… "I was wrong", she thought. "Even he doesn't believe in me…"
"That's not true, Jean and you know that!" Logan shook his head. "But you mental shields are down…you are influenced by the thoughts of the others." He nodded towards the door to show her who he meant. "So the first thing we should be working on is to rebuild them. If you can block their thoughts again, the rest will become a bit easier…"
Jean nodded in understanding. After a few moments she looked up again smiling. To say something wasn't necessary, he knew what she wanted to tell him. Logan smiled back before he headed towards the bathroom.
Later the day, Rogue climbed up the stairs on her way to Logan's room. Cautiously, she knocked and was surprised as Jean opened the door. For a second she was unable to move or say anything. She still wasn't used to Jean being back, especially since she never met or saw her somewhere, but also that she shared the room with Logan now…
"How can I help you?", Jean asked cautiously, feeling uncomfortable.
"Oh…I just wanted to talk to Logan…", Rogue answered truthfully. "Is he here?"
"No, he's downstairs. The Professor wanted to talk to him."
"I see…" The younger woman nodded. "How're ya doing? Haven't seen you for quiet a while…"
Jean looked up in surprise, she hadn't expected this. She'd thought the girl would ran off as soon as she got an answer. "I'm getting through…", she said. "How are you? Logan said you got cured…"
"Yeah…" Rogue nodded. "I took it voluntary. And I'm fine!" She smiled.
Jean nodded and didn't know what else she could say. "Do you want to come in? You can wait for him if you want…"
"Sure!" Rogue walked into the room and looked around. "Wow", she said amazed. "First time I see his room cleared up."
Jean smiled. "Sit down."
The younger girl sat down on the bed and Jean sat down beside her. "So how is Bobby doing?"
"He's fine, too. He was a bit upset at me after I told him that I took the cure, but now it I fine for him."
"He was upset?", Jean asked surprised. "Why?"
Rogue looked at her and shrugged. "He didn't want me to do it for him. But I told him that I also did it for myself. It was so depressing, you know…not being able to touch anybody…"
"I can understand that", Jean nodded and looked down.
Rogue noticed that her opposite wasn't feeling so well. "You know…I don't want you to think that I am afraid of you or that I'm blaming you for anything. You can't be held responsible for what Phoenix did… Bobby, Kitty and Peter think the same, by the way."
Jean looked up, feeling moved and surprised at the same time. She'd never thought or expected that Rogue thought like that about her. She felt a deep happiness and relief growing within her. "Thanks…it means a lot to me…"
Rogue smiled. "And besides…Logan finally feels better again too and…"
"What do you mean?", Jean asked surprised.
Marie was confused. "Well…he…he was a complete mess after you died…."
The older woman moved around so that she could look at her directly. "Tell me, please! I'd already noticed that he wasn't as strong as he used to be a few weeks ago… And besides,...he never tells me anything about what had happened afterwards… So I pretty much don't know anything…"
Her opposite sighed. "Well, he didn't tell you anything, because he can't…"
Now Jean felt completely confused. Why couldn't Logan tell her anything? Had he left during her absence? "Please,…tell me, Rogue…"
"Okay", the girl said finally, thinking about where to start. "But I can only tell you what the others have told me. I wasn't here the whole time through…"
"No problem…"
Rogue began to tell Jean about what had happened after Logan had to kill her. How aggressive he had became against nearly everything and everyone, that no one of them was able to reach him; that he completely separated from them and didn't even care about his own health. She finally ended at the point where Jean had returned. "He's the complete opposite from before… He's pretty much the same again, except when it comes to Storm…"
Jean passed her hand over her brow and starred down in complete disbelief, while her heart was racing in her chest. She sat there in silence, thinking about what Rogue had just told her. "What happened between them?"
Rogue shrugged. "I think Logan dislikes the way she's treating you. He can't understand that she let's you down like that… I remember that Kitty told me about a conversation she overheard between the two of them after the funeral of the Professor…" She stopped for a brief moment and closed her eyes, trying to remember everything. "She caught him in his room while he was packing a few things in a bag. Storm asked him where he wanted to go to and got angry at him after she figured it out. She couldn't understand why Logan refused to let you go and told him that you had already chosen your side and demanded from him that he chose his side. She wanted him to decide whether his loyalties were with you or with them. Storm didn't even understand him after she figured out that he l…" Rogue stopped. She didn't know if Jean knew about Logan's feelings towards her. She remembered that she'd felt a stitch after Kitty had told her about the confrontation, even if she had already known it. Bobby had told her long ago about how Logan felt, even if the older mutant had tried to hide it back then.
"…loves me…", Jean finished her sentence.
Surprised Rogue looked up. "You know it?"
Jean nodded. "He had told me before…before he'd hilled me…" Again she looked down. Her emotions were running wild. She'd never thought or believed that the incidents could have gotten him so of course… It hurt her to hear how much he had suffered because if her. Again it was her fault… "Thanks for telling me…"
Rogue nodded smiling. "I envy you, you know…", she said after a while.
"Why?", Jean asked surprised.
"Because…you're lucky to have him on your side… I've never met anyone who's as loyal as him… If he had to, he would fight against anyone here to protect you."
Jean blushed for a moment and looked down to her hands. "He'd do the same for you… He cares a lot for you…"
Rogue smiled. "Yeah, I know, but not as much as for you. I'm only his little sister…"
"Still having a crush on him, huh?" Jean teased her smiling.
The girl laughed. "But I'm fine with Bobby, so you can have him!", she winked jokingly.
Suddenly, the door opened and Logan stepped in. "Oh...you've got company. Hi, Rogue!", he greeted the younger woman.
"Marie!", she corrected him.
"Marie…", he said, emphasizing it jokingly. He made eye contact with Jean and frowned as she broke it immediately. "You're waiting for me?"
Rogue nodded and got up. "Peter asked if you could show Bobby and him how to repair this motor again."
"Yeah, sure", Logan said with his hands in his jeans pockets. "When?"
"After dinner?"
"'Kay… I'll be there."
"Good!", Marie smiled, heading towards the door. Before she left, she turned around again. "Bye, Jean!"
"Bye." Jean watched her leave. Directly after the door was closed, she felt her heart starting to beat triple rhythms again, as it had done after Logan had stepped into the room.
"What's wrong?"
She jumped, gasping for air as his voice sounded directly next to her. "Jesus….Logan…", she hissed after she realized that he had sat down next to her.
"Daydreaming, huh?", he stated, still looking at her.
She didn't answer and walked towards the window. Logan frowned. He noticed that something was different, but he couldn't remember that he had done anything wrong in the past hours. He could sense her nervousness and inner turmoil. It couldn't still be because of her being alone with Rogue… But why should she be feeling like that because of him…?
Slowly he stood up and stopped directly behind her. Cautiously he laid a hand on her shoulder. "Jeannie,…what's wrong?"
Very sudden, she turned around, crying and clutching him desperately. Logan was taken by surprised, unable to react immediately.
"I'm so sorry, Logan…"
"About what?", he asked confused, letting her cry on his shoulder.
"I didn't mean to hurt you so much… It was wrong to ask it from you…" Her sobs even became harder.
Logan frowned, not having the foggiest idea. "Jean, I don't understand anything…what the hell are you talking about?" He waited and was afraid she would choke because of her sobs. As Logan realized she wouldn't stop so soon, he lifted her up and sat down on the bed so that she was sitting astride on his lap.
Jean had put her arms around his neck and hid her face there. Logan sighed and put his arms around her, stroking her back and letting her cry.
After a while she calmed down and he could only hear few sobs following from time to time. "What did you mean?", he tried it again, whispering it since he didn't want to fright her again.
"Why didn't you tell me?", she asked barely audible.
"What?"
"About what happened afterwards…" She sat up, looking into his eyes, but still with her hands behind his neck.
Logan sighed, breaking eye contact. "Rogue told you, didn't she?"
She nodded slowly. "Logan, why didn't you tell me…? Why didn't you tell me how hard it was for you…?"
"Does it matter?", he asked harshly, his eyes fixed on her again and telling her that he didn't want to go any further.
"Yes, it does! It matters to me, Logan!", she gave back, but fall silent again. "I'm sorry… Really… I shouldn't have asked you to do it…"
"Jean, you knew that I was the only one who could do it…" He paused for a moment. "I'd only wished that I could have saved you somehow..", he added calmly.
Jean gently laid a hand on his check, causing him to look up. She felt her heart beating in every inch of her body. She couldn't tell him how much she thanked him, how much he meant to her, but still it ached her to know how he had to pay for being loyal to her. It wasn't her intention…she'd known that he had feelings for her, that he was as attracted to her as she was to him from the very first moment they'd met. But still she'd never known, until shortly before she had to die, that he felt more for her than attraction or pure lust and it had nearly destroyed her to see his pain back then… Jean realized that she'd been staring into his eyes, but even if she wanted, she couldn't look away. Her heart was still pounding strongly in her chest, causing her to breathe faster.
Jean felt an inner urge rising within her, which told her to give in. She felt her emotions running wild again, but she wasn't afraid of her alter ego,…not now…
Suddenly, she bent forward, pressed her lips to his and grabbed his neck to pull him even closer to her. Logan was surprised by her action, was unable to react first, but as soon as he felt her lips on his, he closed his eyes and gave her free reign. He let himself fall backwards, taking her with him and immediately start thinking about the deja-vu he just had. Back in the woods it had been the same with Mystique… The same situation, the same position...the way she kissed him and sot on him…The only difference was that this time it was for real…
Hungrily he kissed her back, feeling and exploring her body with his hands, while he allowed her to slip her tongue into his mouth. Jean mourned softly when she felt his hands slipping under her shirt, while she ran her hands down his chest. When she reached his jeans, Logan suddenly broke off.
"What?", she asked puzzled. Jean saw that he seemed to search something in her eyes. "Logan, what is it?"
He waved off. "Just wanted to make sure that it is really you this time…", Logan said kissing her gently.
"Of course it's me…"
"I know. Sorry… He became serious and stroke back a strand which had fallen into her face. "You sure about this?", he asked cautiously. "We don't have to rush things…"
She just nodded. "I wouldn't be doing this otherwise…"
He shrugged playfully. "'Kay…that's an argument." Quickly, he rolled over so that he was on top now, pressing his hip against hers. With one last look into her eyes he began to kiss her passionately again…
