"Crown of Love"
A/N: Sorry these new updates are shorter than the others.
Disclaimer: Lyrics by The Arcade Fire.
Spencer's POV
They say it fades if you let it, love was made to forget it.
I carved your name across my eyelids, you pray for rain I pray for blindness.
If you still want me, please forgive me, the crown of love is not upon me.
If you still want me, please forgive me, because the spark is not within me.
Ashley told me that day on the phone about what Aiden said to her. She also described the rest of their conversation, including her surge of anger. I was extremely worried when she said that Aiden had let something slip to Glen. Apparently he'd said that I liked girls. I did, but I didn't need Glen knowing that. I knew he was going to have a talk with me sooner or later, and I needed to think of something to say. Before I could think of anything, Glen came into my room. He was red-faced, running his hands through his hair repeatedly. He tended to do that when he was upset about something. He sat down on the bed, looking at me. I was sitting at the desk.
"I heard a rumor today, and I wanted to ask you if there was any truth to it." Glen said carefully, staring at me. I gazed back at him, shrugging my shoulders.
"What did you hear?" I asked, playing dumb. I leaned back into my chair, crossing my legs and waiting for him to answer.
"I heard that you're into girls now. Tell me that isn't true." He replied quickly, eyes begging me. It was like it would be terrible for me to be gay. Like it would burden him socially, and he couldn't have that. I swallowed roughly.
"Rumors are rumors, Glen." That statement wasn't saying anything in particular. That way I wasn't flat out denying it, or confirming it either. Glen got up, frustrated.
"Give me a straight answer." He urged, face turning redder by the minute. He shoved his hands into his pockets, leaning up against the wall of my bedroom. I sighed. I didn't want to do this. Not right now.
Glen's POV
Needless to say, I was feeling a little impatient. When Aiden told me that Spencer was gay, I didn't believe him. But she had been spending a lot more time with Ashley lately, and she had dated Aiden. Aiden seemed like the transition guy between straight and gay after what had happened with him and Ashley, and a few other girls. I was hoping that it was all rumor, because otherwise, well, I didn't want to think about it. Spencer was my sister. There were never any 'signs' that she was gay growing up, and I didn't think there was any way she could possibly be gay. But I could've been wrong. I hoped to God I wasn't.
I was waiting for her to give me an answer. I needed an answer so I could figure out what to do. If she was gay, well, I'd have to keep it quiet at school. I wouldn't want everyone finding out. That would do some major damage to my reputation. I would probably tell mom, and let her deal with it. I know she wouldn't be happy.
"A straight answer? Ashley Davies is in love with me. Madly, deeply in love with me to the point of obsession. You've seen the way she looks at me." Spencer answered. I stared at her in shock.
"Do you like her?" I questioned, walking closer. She shook her head. She didn't like her.
"I don't feel anything for her." Spencer confirmed quietly. I gazed at her thoughtfully for a moment. I couldn't tell if she was lying. I nodded, walking out of her room. Clay went in after me, and I saw the door shut. I went to my room, lying down on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. I was never really much of a feelings type of guy. Clay, though, he was good with that other stuff. I was glad he was our brother, because it gave Spencer someone to talk to sometimes. If she ever tried to talk to me about her feelings, well, I'd probably end up barfing. I don't want to hear any of that kind of stuff about my sister, at all.
I had to admit I was shallow, but I liked it that way. I didn't have a wide range of emotions. I was either pissed off or in a really good mood. I didn't get depressed all that often. Getting depressed just got in the way. My mom told me that I didn't cry when I was a baby. I screamed a lot, but that was about it. I've always been this way. But this Spencer crap was really making me think. I didn't like that. I didn't like wondering about my sister's sexuality. For one thing, it wasn't normal, at all. Not for her. When it came to Ashley, it made her about a thousand times hotter. Picturing her and my sister together? Interesting to say the least. But still. Part of me wanted my sister to be happy, but the other part didn't want her to be something so..I couldn't even find the word.
Spencer's POV
I snuffed it out before my mom walked in my bedroom.
The only thing that you keep changin' is your name.
My love keeps growin' still the same, just like cancer,
and you won't give me a straight answer!
My conversation with Glen was the most uncomfortable conversation of my life. I felt horribly guilty for lying to him about my feelings. It's not that I felt bad for lying to Glen, it's that I felt bad for denying something I had taken so long to realize. I wish I could have shouted it out to the world. But the world is someplace scary, a place where the people who don't fit into the cookie cutter get cast out, marked as wrong somehow. I used to be pretty religious, like my mother, and I was glad things changed since then. I was more open-minded now, and I realized that nothing like that matters. Race, sexual orientation, wealth. None of it matters in the end, we're all just people. It took Ashley for me to realize that. That was something powerful, and I wanted to share it with everyone. But I was such a coward that I couldn't, and I denied something so true to me.
I was glad when Clay came in the room. He always managed to make me feel better. He already knew my problem, and he helped me realize I liked Ashley in the first place. Now I was going to explain to him what had just happened, and ask him for advice. He always gave such good advice and I knew whatever he was going to say would help me.
"What's going on?" He began, concerned. He knew that Glen didn't come into my room often, and he recognized the look of disappointment on my face.
"Well, you remember how you told me that I liked Ashley? You were right. I really like her a lot, and she really likes me. But I'm afraid. Glen just asked me if I was gay, and I told him I wasn't. I lied. I told him that I didn't feel anything towards Ashley. Now he's probably going to go talk to her and tell her to stay away from me, and she's going to find out that I denied it all. She's going to hate me and I'm going to lose everything." That's when I started to break down. Tears rolled down my face.
I didn't want to lose Ashley, not now, not ever. She was the most important person in my life. She made me laugh, she made me cry, she made me want to run away with her. Every second when I was around her, I didn't want to be anywhere else. How could I say any different? Why was I so afraid to admit my feelings?
"Calm down, Spence. I'm glad you guys like each other. It's perfectly normal to be afraid at first. It has to be that way for awhile. You don't have to admit to anything until you're ready. Ashley's been through this. She'll understand. Just make sure you talk to her before Glen does."He said in a calm voice. He sat down beside of me, wiping my tears away. "I swear, you get worked up over everything." He smiled and I let my head fall onto his shoulder, leaning into it.
"Maybe you're right. How do you know so much about this? Are you harboring some similar secret or something?" When I said this, he laughed.
"Not at all. I read some of dad's books." He pulled me into a hug and giving me a kiss on the forehead. "Well good luck, kid." He left, leaving me there alone with my thoughts. I picked up the phone, dialing Ashley's number. I was going to take Clay's advice and tell her before Glen could get the chance to.
The pains of love, and they keep growin', in my heart there's flowers
Growin' on the grave of our old love, since you gave me a straight answer.
"Hey Ash. I talked to Glen." I said this as soon as she picked up. I wanted to hurry up and get it all over with. Hopefully she wouldn't be upset.
"Oh yeah? How'd that go?" She asked, sounding genuinely interested. Of course she was interested. Who wouldn't be? I jumped onto my bed, cuddling up under the covers before I continued, trying to comfort myself.
"Interestingly. I just wanted to give you a heads up. I kind of freaked when he asked me if I was gay and I kinda ended up denying it. I'm going to set him straight, though. As soon as I'm ready to. Which I think will be sort of soon." I answered quickly.
"You denied it? What did you say to him, then?" Ashley asked me.
"I told him you were in love with me. I also may have said I have no feelings whatsoever for you. Which is a lie. Like I said, I'm going to tell him. I just didn't react well when he asked me and I hope you're not mad at me."
"I'm not mad." Ashley replied slowly. She was silent for a moment. "I'm coming over. I'll be there in a little bit." She hung up before I could say anything else.
You gotta be the one, you gotta be the way.
Your name is the only word, the only word that I can say!
A/N: Only 3 more updates left in this thing and I'll be done!
