It's a cold winter day in South Park, Colorado. Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny sit on the living room couch in Cartman's house. They watch T.V..
"Man, holiday T.V. sucks Christmas balls," says Cartman.
"24 hours of 007?" comments Stan.
"What the hell does James Bond have to do with Christmas anyway"
"Yeah Cartman, change the channel," says Stan.
"With pleasure," replies Cartman.
"Hey, look -- it's Tom Cruise. Turn it up."
Newscaster, "We caught up with Mr. Cruise, and here is what he had to say:
"Oh yeah, Mission: Impossible 3 will totally rule the box office and not suck dramatically. Oh, and it's a shame they executed that innocent man. They should have just let him go. Thank god I have the media to voice all my crazy opinions."
Mr. Cruise use of course talking about Two Keys Villiams, co-fonder of the notorious Bloody Cryptic gang. Back in 1979, Two Keys Villiams robbed a convenience store, killed the helpless clerks execution style with a gunshot to the back of their heads while they were on their knees, and bragged about it. In this reporter's opinion -- Mr. Cruise, wow -- that's pretty stupid."
Brief music. The children are all walking outside.
"I remembered hearing a number of years ago about how Ricky Lake used to protest the use of animal fur," says Kyle.
"She was the fat one, right?" asks Cartman.
"Wuwuwuw uwuw uwuw uw uwuw," says Kenny.
They all laugh at Cartman.
"Ay!" he yells.
"Dude, didn't one of her protests turn violent?" asks Kyle.
"Yeah," replies Stan, "I remember now. Dude, that's just plain stupid. There's gotta be a way we can stop celebrities from voicing stupid opinions"
"Wait -- didn't we do this once before?" asks Kyle.
"I don't know," Stan thinks.
"I know how to stop that stupid bitch," comments Cartman.
"Really? How?" says Kyle interestingly.
"Dude -- you're listening to Cartman -- the man who made that kid eat his parents, the man who fooled us into thinking his hand was J-Lo"
"Yeah, that was pretty sweet," says Cartman as he chuckles.
"Listening to Cartman's opinion is like listening to Ward Churchill," says Stan.
"Oh yeah. Thanks," says Kyle.
"You can all suck my yuletide log," says Cartman.
Kenny laughs. They stop in front of Kenny's house.
"Well Kenny," says Kyle, "I guess we'll see you tomorrow"
"Wuuwuwuwuw," replies Kenny.
The next day. Lunch time at school.
Kenny, Kyle and Stan are seated at a table. Eric comes bouncing in with a tray of food.
Cartman speaks, "Guys -- you're not gonna believe what I saw on the news this morning"
"Not really," says Kyle, "we have a hard time believing you eve watch the news"
They all laugh at him. He breaths angrily, then sucks it up.
"They said "DOOM" tanked"
"We're aware of that, fatass," replies Stan.
Cartman grinds his teeth and decides to let that go, "Well, I was watching it when suddenly they did this report on Madonna. Apparently Madonna worships Jihad and uses symbols all over her videos"
"Jihad isn't a religion, dumbass. Jihad comes from the Islamic religion," comments Stan.
"Islam? Isn't that what those terrorists who crashed those planes worshiped?" asks Cartman.
"Yeah, but not all Islamists are bad. We just don't know until it's too late," says Kyle.
"Another celebrity turned stupid. Guys, we got to fi -- okay, who the HELL is this weirdo who's been walking around us for several minutes?" says Stan.
The guy, in a white professional suit, takes a picture of the kids.
Mr. Mackey stops by.
"Oh, children, there is nothing to worry about -- they're from O.S.H.A. and are inspecting out schools after several complaints had been filled, um kay"
"Sweet. Hey, bunghole!" Cartman yells.
There is a flash from underneath the table. The O.S.H.A. man then gets up.
Cartman continues, "You should really check the conditions of the bathrooms. I sat on the toilet once and got Gingivitis"
"Let's not bother the nice man, um kay children?" Mr. Mackey walks away.
CLICK!
Another O.S.H.A. man looks at the one taking photos of the kids and yells, "Goddamnit Frank! I thought you were watching him"
He and the other O.S.H.A. man walk over and pulls the picture taker away.
"Darnit, Steve -- you know you're not supposed to be around children!"
LATER THAT DAY.
The children knock on the door to Chef's house. It opens. Chef has a towel around his waist and whip cream on his nipples.
"Hello there children"
"Hey Chef," they all say at once.
"Chef, why do you have whip cream on your nipples?" asks Kyle.
"It's shaving cream," replies Chef.
"Why are you shaving your nipples?" inquires Kyle.
"Look, children -- I'm kind of busy. What can I help you with"
"How do we stop celebrities from being stupid?" asks Kyle.
"Now, why would you want to do that? Doing stupid things is what keeps them occupied enough to prevent them from causing real harm"
"We've been watching the news and they are defending murders and such. Someone has to shut them up," says Stan.
"Children -- celebrities have been doing stupid things since way before you were born. Everyone has a little 'stupidity' in them. It's not something to be afraid of, in fact, it's like that old saying goes: learn from other people's mistakes, or you will be doomed to repeat them"
"What about Tom Cruise?" asks Kyle.
"Well, he's a cracker. I guess all you got to do is talk some sense into them. Hopefully they'll realize the errors in their ways"
"Thanks Chef!" they all say at once.
"You're welcome children. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a soccer mom waiting," he shuts the door.
NEXT DAY.
Stan walks passed his dad, who is sitting on the couch watching T.V.
"Bye dad"
Stops when his dad doesn't reply.
"Dad"
"Shhh..." says Mr. Marsh who points to the T.V., "Another one..."
Newscaster, "...and have finally settled the case. When reached for comment, actor Hugh Jackman ripped the phone out of the wall and cursed."
Mr. Marsh replies, "Don't worry son -- I'll find some way to protect our family from this"
Stan says uneasily, "Oookaay," and leaves the house.
Kenny, Cartman and Kyle stand at the school-bus stop.
Stan walks over and joins them.
Kyle speaks to Stan, "Dude -- did you hear? Now Hugh Jackman has Stupidity"
"Isn't he the guy from X-Men?" asks Cartman.
"I think so. I know Captain Picard is," replies Kyle.
"Kickass," says Cartman.
"What's Picard's real name anyway?" asks Stan.
"Some French shit," replies Cartman.
"Oh, like 'Eric' is any better"
"At least it's not French. Toad fuckers," says Cartman.
"Erik Estrada," comments Stan.
"Jesus," exclaims Cartman.
School bus pulls up.
LATER THAT DAY. RECESS.
"Dude, I wish these guys would go the fuck away," says Stan.
The O.S.H.A. people walk around.
"Hey guys, wasn't it just last year that Jennifer Lopez was spitting on her fans?" asks Cartman.
"I think so. Geez, what's with all these celebrities turning Stupid anyway?" asks Kyle.
"I'm telling you guys -- I know how to cure it," comments Cartman.
"Cheesy Puffs won't help, superass," says Stan.
They all laugh at Cartman.
As we hear Cartman yet again rant about his "big bones", the O.S.H.A. men stop, pack up, and suddenly leave.
LATER THAT DAY.
It is now dark. We are in another part of the country. Lightening strikes. A white, tall building is illuminated. "CDC" is in big, gold letters on it. At the very top of the tall building a few lights are on.
"Sir, Richards called in sick for tomorrow," says Wellington.
"Have him killed and his body incinerated," responds Agent Smith.
"Yes, sir," replies Wellington.
"Sir!" exclaims Johnson.
"Yes Johnson, what is it?" asks Agent Smith.
"One of out O.S.H.A. Echo Teams has reported back!" replies Johnson.
"Have they been sanitized?" asks Agent Smith.
"Yes, sir," replies Johnson.
The O.S.H.A. team walks in.
"Team 69, why aren't you wearing masks?" asks Agent Smith.
"Sorry. Gentlemen -- your masks," commands Team 69 Leader.
They all put masks with rubber bands on their heads.
"Did you find anything?" questions Agent Smith.
"Indeed we did. Number 6," commands Team 69 Leader.
"After several months of covert studying and incognito gathering, we found that a little mountain town in Colorado called South Park, has a disproportionately high number of cases of ... Stupidity"
Agent Smith looks at Number 6, "You're telling me there's stupid people in Colorado"
"Yes, sir," replies Number 6.
"I thought you said you had NEWS!" yells Agent Smith furiously.
69 Leader, "But that's not all, sir. Give them the information ... INformation ... INFORMATION ... Number 6"
"Yes. There is a kid," holds up a picture of Cartman giving them the finger at the cafeteria table, "named Eric Cartman. He claims to know how to cure Stupidity"
"Is this true?" asks Agent Smith.
"It is. At least two of my team members heard him say so," replies T69L.
"Johnson!" commands Agent Smith.
"Sir," replies Johnson.
"Call the Helipad and tell them to fuel the chopper and have it ready," orders Agent Smith.
"Wellington!" yells Agent Smith again.
"Sir?" replies Wellington.
"Have equipment and personal items packed. We're going to ... South Park. Colorado"
(Dramatic music here)
"Immediately, sir," replies Wellington.
Johnson and Wellington both run off.
"This had better pan out, Number 69. We don't want the fiasco we had over rhinoviruses. Really -- who would have known rhinoviruses don't come from rhinoceroses," says Agent Smith.
"And none of those cows were mad," says Number 69.
"Indeed," Agent Smith walks over to a large window and looks out it. Lightening strikes while Agent Smith comments, "We must stop this ... outbreak..."
