CHAPTER 2: "Stupid Bug"

NEXT DAY. Saturday.

"Where are you going, puffy cheeks?" asks Eric's mom.

Cartman stops after opening the front door and replies, "Kenny, Kyle, Stan and I are going to hang out for a few hours.

"Okay. Be careful, shnukums."

Cartman curses "goddamnit" under his breath as he closes the front door. He walks on over to the group.

Stan talks, "All right, now that we're together, lets head on over to the stadium so we can plan-"

Suddenly the wind picks up ferociously and the sound of helicopter blades cutting the air overwhelms the peace.

A long, white Chinook helicopter lands on the streets.

Men in white suits come running out. The leader address Cartman.

"Are you Eric Cartman?" asks Agent Smith.

"No," points to Kyle, "there's the little Jewish bastard!"

"Goddamnit Cartman!"

"I am Agent Smith with the CDC."

"CBC? Man, I hear about you guys on O'Reilly's viewer mail all the time!" says Cartman.

"No, CDC; Center for Disease Control."

"What do you want?" asks Cartman.

"Will you come with us?" asks Agent Smith.

"Only if my associates here do."

"Shit. Nice going whaleass – now I'm gonna miss Terrence & Phillip," complains Stan.

Agent Smith turns to Wellington, "Terrence & Phillip?"

"Two Canadian carriers," Wellington replies.

"Oh. Load them in!" commands Agent Smith.

"RA! RA! RA! RA! RA!" the soldiers bark.

The chopper takes off.

After an hour of flying the chopper lands on the roof of the CDC HQ. The landing platform starts moving down like an elevator. Another platform moves into place, covering the hole.

Florescent lights come on and flood the darkness.

The door on the side of the Chinook slides open. The men in white escort the children out of the chopper and to a door marked: Medical Personnel Only – Level A clearance Required.

Agent Smith swipes his badge and the red light on the wall-mounted box turns green, unlocking the windowless door. Everyone except the children, Wellington and Agent Smith, stay outside.

They start walking down the hallway slowly. The walls are white and it is lit up artificially.

"You see, Mr. Cartman-"

"All right – authorita," comments Eric.

"There has been a rash of Stupiditilefosus C, Common Stupidity, among Hollywood moves starts lately. We here at the CDC have been trying for several months now to locate a cure, and track down the original carrier."

"Dude – lots of people are stupid," says Stan.

Seriously, "We're aware of that," and then Agent Smith stops, "take for example this man," flicks a switch. The big rectangular window on their right lights up. There, in a coma, is comedian Lewis Black. "This celebrity was extremely arrogant, unfunny and shared his warped political views on television. We knew immediately he was the latest victim. We tried everything we could think of: drugs, experimental drugs, therapy, suppositories, chemo radiation – none worked."

"What's a suppository?" asks Kyle.

"It's where they shove this thing up your butt and-"

"Is not," Kyle cuts Cartman off.

"Mr. Cartman is indeed correct," says Agent Smith.

"Whoa!" says Kyle in disbelief.

Agent Smith turns off the light, then moves over to the next window. He turns it's light on.

"Hey, that's Steve Martin – he's not stupid," says Stan.

Agent Smith replies, "He made Cheaper By the Dozen and has filmed it's sequel. We could draw no other conclusion."

Agent Smith shuts the light off and moves to the next window. While walking to it, Agent Smith comments.

"Mr. Martin is scheduled for a Stupidectomy tomorrow at 0800. After that he will be given a hysterectomy."

"What? You're not just gonna shove something up his ass?" says Kyle.

"We already did that," replies Agent Smith.

Kyle asks, "Why does everything revolve around the ass?"

"Reverse Engineering," he flicks the lights on to the next window and says, "this is Emmy Award winning composer John Debney. Back in 2004 when he did his score for The Passion of the Christ, he said Mother Mary, Jesus and God helped him. Mr. Cartman, at this time there is no cure for Stupidity. You would be helping hundreds, even thousands of people if your cure really worked."

"Allow me, Mr. Smith," says Cartman.

"Certainly," slides the badge. There is a beep and the lights turns green; door unlocks. He opens it.

Eric walks in. He pushes a chair to Debney's bed and climbs on it so he is head level with the composer. He clears his throat. Everyone watches carefully.

Cartman raises right hand and slaps Debney.

" 'ere! Stop it, you hear? Respect my authorita!"

Debney blinks a few times then shakes his head.

"Wha ... where am I?" Debney asks.

"He did it! Congratulations Mr. Cartman!" says Agent Smith who then pulls out his walkie-talkie, "Johnson – did we get that on film?"

"Yes, sir. It was a miracle," replies Johnson.

"Indeed it was Johnson, indeed it was."

"I'm cured," shouts Debney.

"This is bullshit," says Kyle.

"Indeed you are, Mr. Debney," says Agent Smith.

Debney comments, "Now I can go back to scoring movies!"

Agent Smith sighs and shakes his head, "We knew there would likely be side effects. Wellington."

"Sir?"

"Have him killed and his body incinerated."

"Yes, sir. Right away," replies Wellington.

Debney smiles cheerfully.

"Are we the only un-retarded ones in here?" asks Stan sarcastically.

Agent Smith speaks into his walkie-talkie, "Johnson!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Is the CDC Adjunct ready?"

"Within the hour, sir."

"Come Mr. Cartman. We'll be leaving within the hour."

"Where are you taking us?" asks Kyle.

"Back to your home town boys, to test this new cure on the population."

"Sir, isn't that illegal? Doesn't the FDA have-"

"Goddman the ethics, Wellington! We have to do something before word of this spreads."

AN HOUR LATER.

The Chinook lands next to a big warehouse. The side door slides open and everyone climbs out.

"You kids know how to find your way home, don't you?"

"Um hum," replies Kenny.

"You saw nothing, you understand?" Wellington waves his hand like a Jedi.

"What ever," Stan looks to a side.

"Eric, what do we tell your mom?" asks Kyle.

"Tell her ... to go fuck herself. Screw you guys, you're going home. HA!"

"Shit," says Stan.

They walk off.

MANY MINUTES LATER

Stan walks in. His dad is watching T.V..

"Hey Stan. Listen to this: I was just watching an E! True Hollywood Story about Brittany Spears. Did you know that about a year ago she got married and divorced within 24 hours – on a whim? I fear there is more, far more then is generally known. Son, be careful who you talk to and come into contact with at school. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm sorry, son. I just don't want you being Stupid too. They're just coming out of the wood work; we're being overrun..."

"I heard the CDC say there were hundreds, if not thousands of Stupid people," says Stan.

"My god! They're multiplying..." says Randy.

LATER THAT NIGHT.

Randy is at the bar, drinking with his buddies.

Some guy says, "I tell ya – the Stupid Bug has been gettin' everyone lately. And not just famous folk, regular Joes like us."

They all gasp.

"The CDC says there's thousands of them, why ... they could even be among us."

They all gasp.

Another guy speaks off screen, "Does that mean we won't be able to drink alcohol?"

THREE DAYS LATER

Mr. Garrison walks in. He is wearing a pink dress with a low-cut neck – showing off his cleavage. He sets his purse down.

"Good morning class. Today we have an important issue to discuss, so there will be no school work this period."

Class: "YAY!"

"Okay, settle down bitches. I'm sure by now you've heard of the Stupidity outbreak. So the school board has asked the teachers to show you all proper prevention techniques. Does anyone know what to do if you absolutely, positively must come into contact with a Stupid person?"

A hand goes up.

"Kyle?"

"Respect their differing opinion?"

"Raising your hand and answering is only for people who know the answer, Kyle. Also, make sure the nurse checks you out after class."

Cartman laughs at Kyle.

"Anyone?" asks Mr. Garrison. They all stare blankly at him.

"Finger Condoms," he says.

They blink at him.

Mr. Garrison pulls a box from his large purse. He opens it. He takes out five Finger Condoms. He then pulls out a plastic mannequin hand.

"Okay, I am now going to instruct you on how to properly use Finger condoms. Step 1: You'll need to tear at the package with your teeth like so, because they're a real Liza Minelli to get open. Okay, Step 2: You slide the Finger Condom onto a figer carefully as to not rip it. Step 3: Some people may be allergic to Laytex, so you'll want to suck it off the Finger Condom like so," he sucks on a plastic finger, "Make sure you get the whole thing class," he goes up and down repeatedly. "Um, um, um, oh yeah ... okay. Now clean up the left over saliva," he licks the finger all over.

A kid raises his hand.

"Yes, you in the tacky shirt," says Mr. Garrison.

"Ah, what do we do if they try to engage us in conversation?"

"That's a good question. Class, if a Stupid person walks up to you and asks if you want to see Cheaper By the Dozen 2, what do you say?"

A kid answers aloud, "No, fuck off you dip shit?"

"Correct. I would have also excepted: Eat my ass you crap-sucking moron."

LATER THAT DAY. The CDC Warehouse Adjunct.

"Sir, it's all over the newspapers. The local news is going to do a segment on it tonight," says Wellington.

"We have to assure the public everything is all right. We will also need to redouble out efforts. Mr. Cartman," Agent Smith.

Eric walks in all dressed in white, with a cap on and a round number badge. It reads: No. 138.

"Agent Smith?"

"We'll need you to start administering more doses and be on call 24/7."

"Hella cool!"

"Oh, and here are your Cheesy Puffs," pulls the box out from his white overcoat.

"All right! I'm gonna go brag to my friends!"

"Here, take this long-life cell phone with you. We will call if necessary."

Stan opens the front door to his house. He sees Cartman all dressed.

"Yeah, we know," says Kyle to Stan.

They all start walking.

"Guys, it's so cool! I get my own room, free food, big screen hi-resolution T.V., cloths and people call me mister. Totally awesome."

"Dude, Mr. Garrison showed us how to use Finger condoms. He sucked on them and all. Everyone's talking about it," says Stan.

"...I have my own maid..." says Cartman, totally unaware of Stan speaking.

After a few minutes of walking, they reach the town shopping area.

"Hey you guys, check this out!" points Kyle.

People are walking around with masks on, much like Michael Jackson. They avoid contact and all have on Finger Condoms.

They see them coming out of the grocery store with big bags of food.

"Jesus, it's like everyone's lost their minds! Why don't they take things this seriously when dealing with A.I.D.S.?" comments Kyle.

"Look, we need to find a way to stop these celebrities. But how?" asks Stan.

"Maybe we could get Mr. Cruise's phone number. What about 411 Information?" asks Kyle.

"Nah, I already tried that – it's unlisted. Cartman – you got any ideas?" asks Stan.

"...and the toilet water is blue. Every time!"

"Goddmanit," says Stan.

NIGHT TIME. MARSH RESIDENCE.

Stan, Randy and his mom watch the news.

Newscaster, "As many South Parkians know, there has been rumors of an impending Stupidity outbreak in our town. The Center for Disease Control has set up a secret base here in South Park to possibly monitor the coming outbreak. Sources put the number of people in America with Stupidity at thousands, even tens of thousands. We here at News channel 17 take this very seriously; here with an interview of a CDC spokesman is a midget in a bikini:

The midget holds the mike up to the spokesman.

"I'm Agen ... Joe. Joe e. Everyman. Yes. Rumors of a Stupidity outbreak have been greatly exaggerated. And the CDC has no ultra-secret adjuncts built in abandoned warehouses. Just calm down and take some Valium," looks at the midget, "You are aware you're wearing a bikini in the dead of winter, are you?"

The midget looks at Agent Smith.

"Johnson!"

...A warning to out viewers – this next segment may shock you. We now go live to Hell's Pass Hospital with Dr. Fok Yu. Doctor, you said you had shocking news for us?"

"Very much so, earlier today this patient – who was in for A.I.D.S. medicine – died from Stupidity."

"Huh..." comments Randy.

"Are you sure, doctor?" asks the newscaster.

"Yes, we are quite sure it wasn't the full-blown A.I.D.S., but rather the Stupidity virus."

"Oh ... my ... god," says Randy.