Chapter 4

The next day. Stan wakes up and heads to the kitchen. No one is there.

"Mom? Dad?" he looks around.

After checking their bedroom, he checks the backyard. Randy stands there in a yellow containment suit. His vice is somewhat muffled as it goes through the voice apparatus.

"Finally, you're awake! We have to hurry Stan, and get in before you're both infected."

"But, dad-"

"There's no time to 'butts' – go pack some cloths and necessities and meet us in the unit."

Stan just stares.

"Hurry!" and Randy leaves dramatically for the unit entrance.

Stan turns around and just leaves the house.

Cartman hangs up the phone in his CDC room.

"Goddamnit!"

The door opens and Agent Smith enters.

"Agent Smith, I can't get anyone at the copyright office to answer me."

"That's because we have told them not to."

"What! Just how the hell am I supposed to copyright my 'Foot Up Their Asses' technique?"

"We, the CDC, cannot allow you to endanger the lives of people with what may be nothing more than a placebo."

"You can't do that!"

"We can quarantine towns, and even declare that your cat has Mad Cow Disease."

"Then I guess I don't work for the CDC anymore," says Eric.

"You guessed correctly," raises his walkie-talkie and speaks into it, "Johnson."

"Yes, sir?"

"Escort Mr. Cartman out of this adjunct and deny him further access."

"Right away," enters the room and starts pushing Eric out.

"Ill get you for this! I swear to god I'll find your parents and make you eat them!"

"Oh," Agent Smith turns around, "and we've cancelled your Slap Face patent and put it in our name. I believe the proper expression is: Eat cock."

Cartman screams as he is dragged out of the bedroom door entrance, "You son of a bitch!"

Stan and Kyle walk.

"Hey Stan, my dad said your dad got an underground Stupidity Bunker."

"Oh my god – he's in it right now. This thing is shaped like a big penis."

"Hey – it's Pee Wee's Playhouse," jokes Kyle.

They laugh.

"Good one," says Stan.

"Look, there's Cartman."

They walk over to a hatless Cartman, who is murmuring ramblings under his breath.

"So, was the CDC able to find out why your ass is so enormous?" asks Kyle.

"Ay!" shouts Cartman.

They laugh at him.

"Eric, if you're done playing asshole, we're gonna go hand out around town and tell people Tom Cruise is coming tomorrow. Wanna come?" asks Stan.

"T … Tom Cruise is coming … here?"

"Yeah, we're gonna show people there's no such thing as a Stupidity disease," says Stan.

Eric whispers, "Excellent. I'll show them; soon the whole wor-"

"Cartman – what are you doing?" asks an annoyed Stan.

"What? I was just talking to myself."

"You're not planning an evil scheme, are you?"

"No," shifts his eyes around, "of course not," starts whispering again after a few seconds, "no one will be able to deny my power – they will all-"

"Stop it," says Stan.

The nest day. A group of town's people gather around the mayor's office as the children watch. Cartman holds up a "Welcome, Tom Cruise" sign.

Chef steps out of the crowd.

"Children, what he hell are you doing?"

"We're waiting for Tom Cruise to show so we can prove to everyone this disease is total bubkiss."

"Children, Tom 'Cracker' Cruise and all his other scientology friends are too busy filming crappy sequels and getting others to believe their religious mumbo jumbo."

"How are your shaved nipples?" asks Stan.

Chef looks around at fellow crowd members, "They're fine, thanks for asking," and quickly disappears into the crowd.

The mayor peaks though the curtains to the office window.

"Oh lord – the voters are revolting. Maybe it was that three cent tax increase," sees people pointing to a stretch limo pulling up. The crowd goes wild.

"Sir, we still have Mel Gibson. Records show he visited South Park before," says Johnson.

"Then he can't be the original carrier; these people have dealt with Stupidity for a while," says Agent Smith.

"Then what do we do, sir?"

"We'll dilute the town's water supply with the newfound cure; like the government did with Fluoride – standard procedure."

"And Mr. Cruise?"

"We'll wait and see…"

Tom Cruise steps out of the limo in flashes of camera lights and news people.

"Mr. Cruise! Mr. Cruise! It is true rumors that MI:3 has no actual plot?"

"Of course not. Good versus evil – the most common plot of them all," smiles

The mayor comes running over.

"Ow, ow! Mr. Cruise – is it true you've knocked up Katie Holmes? And if so, would you consider doing me next? Please?"

"Yeah, that's right – while you're here, Miss Holmes is at home, several months pregnant, and fending for herself. Right?"

"Well … it's ah … new era and … ah – women's independence…"

"And that bullshit religion?" asks Kyle.

"Parting waters and making water into wine, or aliens putting worries into human heads – I think it's obvious which one is more believable…"

"And that is?" asks Kyle.

"Christianity. Damnit! I meant scientology! Scientology!"

Cartman reaches up and slaps Tom clear across the face. He blinks momentarily.

"And gang-founding murderer Two Keys Villiams?"

"Ah … well … Katie! Help me!"

Kyle speaks into a bullhorn, "Everyone – can I have your attention?"

They al quiet down.

"Mr. Cruise is obviously stupid, but he doesn't have 'Stupidity', in fact, none of you do; no such disease exists. Think about it – if he had such a disease, all the actors and actresses he's come into contact with would be stupid. Last time I checked, 3333333333 was pretty normal to me."

They all talk amongst themselves.

"There is no epidemic here, but there is an outbreak of loss of common sense. Sure we do things wrong, but Stupidity is just a word, not a virus. A good friend once told me: 'Stupid' people have been around for a long time. In fact, all of us have done something stupid; whether we want to admit it or not. Sure, some people – like Mr. Cruise," they all look at Cruise, "do stupider things than others, but to err is human. All of us have a little stupidity in us. It's not something to be afraid of, but rather a thing to learn from. Only that way can we better ourselves and the world. Let's face it: no one has never not made a mistake. We need to be a little stupid something … just to help the world."

"He's right … of Mr. Hat – what have I done!" exclaims Mr. Garrison.

The audience comments agreeingly.

"Damn. I should write a book or something," says Chef.

"Hey look!" says a lady in the crowd.

Tom Cruise suddenly falls over to the sidewalk.

A doctor rushes over. Agent Smith and Johnson stand by.

A doctor feels one of Tom Cruise's wrists, "There's no pulse. He's dead Jim."

The crowd gasps.

"Wellington," says Agent Smith into the walkie-talkie, "pack up and have the chopper ready; we're leaving," and Smith and Johnson walks away.

The doctor further examines him and lifts up the eye lides to inspect him, "Yup – just as I suspected: Idiocy."

-THE END-

We see Randy in his yellow containment suit, slowly oozing from the unit's exit.

"No, still stuck. Push harder!"

He eases out. Finally, after one hard push, he falls to the ground.

"Oh, thank god it's over."