Crowley picks up his phone and presses a few buttons on speedial.

"Issether. Darling, my best crossroads hustler. When do the scouts say your next potential deal is coming up? Tonight, crossroads in five? I'm bringing you a contract, use that for whatever the mortal wants. Don't worry, you'll still get his soul, just not immediately. No, the idiot needs his soul in him for this to work...probably. I'm just trying a new type of deal and want You to be the first to get its benefits. Do not start without this contract or-...exactly. I'll see you in four." I raise a brow. "Well I'm not testing it." He shakes his hand and a piece of parchment appears. A base contract.

He frowns for a moment, then as he speaks words appear on the parchment. "If the demon Issether should ever expire, she shall take harbor inside the signer of the contract's vessel, until such time as she can recuperate and leave." He looks up and nods at me. "I'll be back. Don't-"

"I'm not an idiot. I leave, I die. I talk, I die." He smirks and shakes his head.

"Oh no, you've just made yourself actually interesting. Best and worst thing you could of done darling. Tah." And with a snap he's gone.

I sit still for fifteen minutes. Fifteen long minutes of gut wrenching anxiety, of fear. I stand up at sixteen and that's when with a flash Crowley reappears, covered in blood and frowning.

"Didn't work." He looks at me with hard eyes. "And now I've lost a demon."

"Uh...try soul instead. Harbor in the signer's soul?" Crowley looks at me and nods.

"Could work." He takes out his phone and dials. "Bertrand, my best crossroads hustler. The scouts say your next potential deal is coming up when?"

Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes of pacing. Thirty minutes of picking at old wounds to mitigate nervousness. Two minutes of attempting to wash fresh blood out of a white shirt. Thirty minutes of anxiety. Thirty one minutes…

And he's standing next to me, smiling. Covered in new blood. Wiping off a silver blade.

"I just had to kill the same demon four times tonight, the second time was actually quite difficult. And the third, well the third was very interesting."

"Third? Four times? What?"

"Ah Ah! Nosy little artist aren't you? After the contract." He snaps and his suit is once again immaculate. He sits and a glass of some type of expensive liquor appears in his hand. "Now where were we?"

"Uh… The Fifth…"

"Yes. If one Crowley should ever expire he shall take harbor in the contract signer's soul."

"Until such a time as…."

"He feels like leaving." He smiles and slides the knife up his sleeve while sipping his drink.

"Uhm."

"Well, you wanted this to be a monogamous relationship, it doesn't get much closer than this." He looks me over. "We'll have to get you in shape, or get you a better meat suit after you pass. Perhaps, keep you young forever?"

"No thanks. Kinda noticeable. Also, besides the knots in my muscles and the stress, I like my body." He sips and remains quiet. "Uh… until such a time as it is safe to come out?"

"I decide when it's safe."

"We both do."

"Acceptable. Now. I believe you said after this came the fun part, although I believe I've had quite a fun evening up until now."

"Minutia. I...I'd like my muscle knots removed." Crowley smirks.

"And I'd like blood. So weekly-"

"Monthly. Try continuous small doses."

"I'll try what I like. Weekly-"

"Why would you even put such an addiction in the story? If it's so debilitating?" Crowley smiles.

"Because it was greatly over exaggerated, modified, and made the character more more likeable I am, well the more deals idiots will make deals with the 'fair seeming demon.'" He takes a sip, something he seemed to do when he's thinking about how to torment or confuse. "You were right in that there were other methods of using the blood to get high. Drying and snorting it, steeping something in it and smoking it. But right up there with needles is my other personal favorite." He looks at me with knowing eyes. I flinch.

"You like to drink it...don't you." He ignores me.

"Weekly. Daily. Whatever I choose. I'm the King of Hell."

"Uhm, let me google something." He raises a brow.

"How stupid do I look? Letting you near a computer? Ask me."

"How long does it take for the human body to replenish blood?" He nods and responds, without even looking up the answer.

"The amount of blood donated during a blood drive takes 48 hours to be replenished; so every two days-"

"Three. I will most definitely get sick if I give blood every two days. I'd prefer you supplement me with someone else and take fewer uh doses from me."

"Not the deal." He sniffs the air and smiles. "You're quite nervous...bleeding out your little anxieties all over your shirt? Now. Anything else?" I stiffen. I mean. He knew I had something else, otherwise he wouldn't ask.

"I mean, since you and your meat suit are here, I'd love for you to come back to the show for the last season." He looks at me derisively, then hurt.

"You have the real deal, literally. How could anything in the show compare?"

"In the show, I don't get personally fucked over by you." He thinks then inclines his head sideways, admitting that was a bonus, for me.

"No."

"Why."

"Because I'm enjoying watching you struggle with the fact that you don't know whether I'm in the last season. Also fans clamoring for more of me? Always fun." He flicks his wrist and a long contract appears. "I believe you'll be more careful in reading it this time?"

Three hours later, many red marks, much frowning on my part, minute smiles on Crowley's, and the contract was done.

"One more read over."

"Really, after all the work we've done, the discoveries we've made, you don't trust me?" I snort as I read it over, and get an idea.

"Could...could we make sure my parents', my boyfriend's… souls..."

"They are well on their way to never dealing with my kind, so were you. Isn't this much better, look at all the fun we're having." I snort again but continue reading. It takes another good five minutes and my mind is starting to go numb when my phone dings. Boyfriend, dinner, where are you? There is a snap and my phone is in the demon's hands.

"How sweet. Shall I type the standard reply?" He does, without waiting for an answer, and somehow mimicking my style of texting. "Be home soonish. Probs. Finishing up work." I nod and he types...then I have another thought. It would be hard coming back from this to normal life.

"While...I'm not in contact with you… could you remove my memories of you? It's kinda hard to go back to normal after…"

"And put it back everytime we meet? Your brain would be mush. Sorry, I'm afraid you'll just have to endure the wonderful memories of me." He toasts and finishes his glass.

"What about protection? Could we add a protection clause about me and mine while I'm alive? From the other monsters and demons." He pauses and smiles a bit.

"Don't need to. If you're going to be my home away from home if I ever kick the bucket, so to speak, you're going to have an honor guard." I nod and continue reading and pause.

"Die at 70? Why the age cap? That was not agreed upon!"

"I'm not entering your soul just to have your body crap out from a heart attack while I'm enjoying your company."

"Wait...would you get a one way ticket to heaven?"

"No." I sigh. I had been shut down and now I wasn't going to be allowed to delve deeper into that. I continue the best I can to prolong my inevitable demise.

"How about health to be reevaluated every 10 years?" He pauses.

"Agreed, then we can move the age cap to 90."

"What!? Wait-"

"No, that health evaluation is a wonderful idea, it means if you're getting sick at 40 I can just off you then and create a new meatsuit for you. Brilliant idea." I blink.

"Shit."

"Oh quit your whining, you can come back up here until you're 90 if you wish."

"Add it. Make it official. Promises mean nothing, add the protection thing too." He rolls his eyes.

"Such paranoia in one so young."

"I write, I know what I'd do in your place, not taking chances."

"Well, at least it proves you'll be worth my time." He waves his hand and more words appear. "Now are we signing or not?"

"Just let me-"

"No. Are we signing...or not?" I freeze, but nod. This had turned out better than I could have ever hoped. I wasn't dead, I wasn't going to be tortured, much, and my muscles might actually not cause my body to seize up in pain as often. I shouldn't push it. Whatever words he just added...I'd have to take the risk.

I had made myself interesting, maybe worthwhile, and was apparently now a safe haven for the fucking King of Hell. I sigh, but take a pen and start to sign.

"Ah-ah." I look at him. "Ah-Ah. Use this." A snap and a fountain pen appears in my hand. I shrug and write, and wince as the ink comes out red. "This sort of contract should be written in blood, and sealed with a kiss." I look at my signature and sigh, but finish writing. Crowley on the other hand flicks his wrist and his signature just manifests next to mine. I stand up from the floor where I had been for the past half hour reading and re-reading things on the long parchment, and find him next to me.

"And now thee I do wed." And suddenly his tongue is in my mouth. I flinch, surprised, but relent, and feel a slight burst of energy. I expect to feel a great loss, but instead just feel a small piece of me go, flee, seemingly far away. He parts and grins. "Consummated, our illegitimate marriage begins." He pauses, holding my shoulders a moment before backing away. " Your soul, salted and peppered with indecision and questioned morals; actually palatable, at least the little bit I have."

"Little bit?" I blink, trying to remember the contract, but dazed from literally losing a piece of myself.

"Well I can't very well take refuge in it if I have it now can I? Whatever killed me would see it immediately. Now this little bit will just fly back to you, should I ever expire, and take me with it. Now, I don't know about you, but I am quite ready for a celebratory drink." I nod and relax, until the knife from earlier slips into his hand. I had completely misread that. I was no longer groggy, I was wide fucking awake.

"Ok, if we are doing That right now, I need a drink."

"Nervous love?" He says, picking a nail with the blade. I can only laugh.

"About bleeding? Cutting a small slit in my skin so you can get a fix? Hell no! About you making it? Yeah! You're gonna have to heal this." I say as I reach for my swiss army knife on my key ring that I attached to my belt. "Like Hell I'm letting you cut me, I'm choosing where, I'm doing it. You get the blood, you didn't specify how."

"Yes, but, you see." He takes a step forward and suddenly is beside me. "I'm the bloody King of Hell, and you forgot to put in a clause about torture, or punishment, before you die naturally." He raises a brow. "So. I have... a new... personal... Chew Toy." I tense. I missed something, I knew I would. This would Not be fun, but at least it would be finite. It would end when I died, unlike the line, or the rack if my soul never twisted into a black mess.

"Fucking Hell." I'm slammed into a chair that slides up behind me and the demon circles me.

"Indeed. You will be, I am, after all, its king. And while this FARCE of a chess game has been fun, Daddy wants his fix. Now, be a good little Chew Toy and don't squeak too loudly." As he talks the silver dagger slides under my chin and I tense as it stings. I didn't like this, not being able to see what he was doing. I had to act fast.

"Wasteful." The sting stops as he pauses his fun.

"Pardon?"

"It's wasteful. Use my wrist, my leg, use a cup, your hands, hell pour it into your mouth, I don't care. But don't waste it by letting it stain my shirt red in an attempt to put me in my place or have fun. It's wasteful." There is silence for a moment.

"Huh." The laugh is slight, familiar, and sends shivers down my spine. It meant he either agreed, or was about to put me through a world of pain. I sit as still as possible with bated breath. "Well, when you're right, you're right, even if you're just trying to save your own skin." I breathe a sigh of relief as the blade is removed, and flinch as it whips back and leaves a cut on my cheek.

"Unnecessary."

"Oh, but so fun. You see. You and I? Lovers. Long time. Soul buddies!" He circles around my side and grabs my wrist so hard there is a slight crack, something crunching, he pauses. "That wasn't...a bone was it? Humans, so fragile." I chuckle.

"No. That, is a muscle knot."

"A what?"

"Knot, bunched up muscle, tightened, then kinda hardened."

"Yes, I know. Worked as a tailor. Long hours, horrible health care plan. But those knots, don't have the delightful crunching feeling breaking bones do."

"If they are bad enough they can make crunchy feelings or sounds. Why do you think I put that in the contract? If you hadn't shown up, my stress levels would probably have killed me in five years." He holds my wrist gently, with one finger beneath it, regarding it as if it could tell him something.

"Huh." He pushes up and lets my wrist bounce, then turns it over. "Learn something every day." And with that my wrist is slashed open.

(I hope you guys are enjoying the terror so far. I tried to write this as realistically as possible. I think I did ok. Meanwhile, real life interrupts me with responsibilities and such.)