21 Jump Street still doesn't belong to me
"Right, now you're here you wanna tell me what's going on?" Doug asked his friend as he handed him a beer.
"What do you mean? I'm fine." Tom replied.
"I'm not Fuller, man, I know you. Come on Tom talk to me!"
Tom just stared back blankly at his best friend, trying not to give anthing away.
"Look Tom, we've been through alot you and me, if you can't trust me enough to let me help you what's it all been for?"
He looked up at Doug and suddenly wanted to tell him everything. The nightmares, guilt, how everything seemed totally meaningless. All the stuff that had been bulding up for almost a year threatened to come pouring out. Well, he couldn't think of anyone better than Doug to pour it out to.
"Tom, come on what is it?" Doug said seeing the stricken look on Hanson's face.
"I don't where to start. Everything.", he said trying desperatley to keep his voice steady. "Doug, I'm just so tired, physically, emotionally, I just want it all to be over."
"Want what to be over? Tom, your scaring me!"
"Being in prison gives you alot of time to think you know. In fact all you do is think."
Tom had never spoken about his time in prison and Doug had never asked him to. If there was one thing he knew about Tom Hanson after all these years it was that if there was something he needed to tell you he would tell you in his own time. You couldn't push him. The more you pushed him, the more distant and closed off he would become. Now that it looked like coming out Doug sat patiently while his friend talked. Tom continued in his low sleepy voice.
"You get to thinking about everything you've done and all the things you wanna do but won't ever get the chance. You reconcile yourself to the fact that your life is pretty much over, you know. You stop hoping that by some miracle someone's gonna tell you it's a bad dream and you don't belong there. Then suddenly they come along and tell you, ok we admit it we made a mistake, you can go home now. They just toss you out , nowhere to go, no money in your pocket, nothing. It's like that's the dream, not jail. Now I get out there everyday and it's like I'm on auto piolot. I'm just going through the motions and none of it means anything anymore. I haven't slept for more than three hours a night since i can remember. I don't know what's gonna happen to me Doug and all i feel is scared and guilty."
"What have you got to feel guilty about ? You didn't kill anyone Tom, you didn't deserve to be there. All you've ever done is try to help people."
"What about all the shit I pulled before then? How many kids have we sent to that living hell. Most of these kids are just gonna end up back there. We took their future Doug, just like Crane took mine. I have these dreams, I'm in prison and they're all there, Kenny Wheckerly, Jack Weaver, Ronnie Seeboc, all of them. I just sit there while they all tell me how I sent them to hell. Then I see Harry through the bars of the cell, he's dying and I can't get out to help him."
Doug looked at him with concerned eyes. "You didn't force those kids to break the law Hanson! They made their decisions and they have to face the consequences".
Tom let out a bitter laugh.
"You sound like I used to", he said. "The fact is Doug, If I had helped Kenny like he asked me to he would still be here. Jackie was right, I totally mishandled the evidence in Ronnie's case. If I had filed properly he wouldn't have been there to kill Darry and that guy in the convenience store. Three people are dead because of something I did wrong."
Doug stared at Tom in disbelief. The extent to which he had convinced himself that all this was his fault was unbelievable. He kelt down in front of Tom and said gently "You don't really believe all this do you? Tom, Ronnie killed more people besides Darry and you know that. You certainly weren't to know what Kenny was gonna do, and as for Weaver, god Tom, you know what happens to deserters. You saved him from something much worse." He stopped and looked hard at Tom and said, "Do you remember Diane Nelson?"
"Yeah, of course I do."
"Where do you think she and her sister would be right now without you? That kid Harley. You were there for him when nobody else was. Hey, what kinda state would I be in without you to get me outta trouble huh?" he said trying to force a smile from Tom.
"What about Amy, Doug?"
"Oh come on! I thought you were done with that. There was nothing you could've done."
"Yeah, maybe."
"You're determined to hate yourself aren't you?"
"Maybe I deserve to be hated" he said shakily
"Why would anyone hate you Tom? Let me talk to Fuller, man, maybe we can get you some help, you know people who know how to deal with this stuff".
"You mean a shrink! No Doug!" he said his eyes incredibly wide and helpless. "I'll be ok, really".
"Tom you're a mess. Have you heard yourself? What the hell happened to you in there?"
"God, you've heard what happens to cops in prison Doug. You know, you hear all this stuff and you think no big deal, I can handle myself. But you really have no idea until you're surrounded by the entire cell block. There were so many of them Doug!"
Penhall looked down at his partner, suddenly struck by his small frame, young face and impossibly innocent wide eyes and was hit by a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"Tell me they didn't Tom, please." he said surpressing feelings of fear and rage.
"No", he said kindly. "Still not for lack of trying, threatened to frequently, I was always looking over my shoulder."
As Doug watched Tom bury his head in his hands, his ever lengthening mop of dark hair covering what his hands didn't, shouders silently shaking, it was his turn to feel guilty. Remembering what had happened at Lincoln, what he had done to Tom, meant only as a harmless joke, he was crushed.
"Tom, I'm so sorry" he said, pulling him close and holding him. At that moment Doug felt more hatered towards Raymond Crane than he ever thought possible to feel. How dare he reduce his best freind into this broken figure in front of him. Tom Hanson, who always seemed so calm and in control. There was a time years ago when this had made Doug think Hanson cold and emotionless. He soon came to realise that this of course was not the case, that Tom was in fact one of the most emotional, caring people he had known. The problem was he kept all this so far hidden that it was almost impossible to know when he was hurting. Well he wasn't going to let him suffer alone anymore.
"It's gonna be ok Tom. You've been through a rough time, things like this take a while, you know, they're supposed to. It will get easier I promise" he told him, not really knowing what to say but desperate to say something to make him feel better.
"It's been nearly a year. I was only there a few months.", Tom said regaining some of his usual composure.
"Hey I couldn't cope for four days in a juve lock up without losing it. I think you've coped pretty well. Just stop keeping all this to yourself ok. Anyway as far as the future goes, do you remember what you told me when I thought that girl could see the future?"
"I remember you thinking aliens were abducting you and taking you for a ride on the goodyear blimp", Tom said, a small smile playing on his lips.
"Watch it Hanson!" Doug said smiling. Then doing his best Tom Hanson imitation, "The future hasn't been written yet and I believe I have some say in how it happens!"
"I can't believe you're throwing that back at me Penhall!" he said, his smile widening.
"Why have you kept all this quiet for so long? Why didn't you talk to us?"
"Harry needed us, and you and Judy have had your own stuff to deal with. You had your hands full with Clavo, I didn't want to add to it."
"What made you think I would ever not want to be there for you?"
"I never thought that. I just didn't want to make things any more difficult for you guys." He took a deep breath and said, "Please don't tell the others."
"Ok.So, we good?"
"Yeah, we're good".
"Promise me that you'll come to me if you need to talk. You're my best friend, man, and I love you"
"Yeah, I know. Look Doug, I'm sorry about this" he said slightly embarassed.
"Hey, don't. I'm glad you told me. Besides, none of this leaves this room right" he said only half seriously.
"Oh of course not." Tom said gently mocking him. "Especially not, you know..."
"Oh definately not man!" then he said more seriously, "Will you do me a favour and stay here tonight?"
"Why, you think i'll do something stupid! I'm a bit depressed Doug, I'm not crazy!", Tom a said a little too agressively.
"I didn't say that. Look, it'd make me feel better, ok."
"Ok." he said with a sigh.
Hearing a small noise from the corner of the room Tom and Doug turned to see Clavo standing in the door way to his room sleepyly rubbing his eyes.
"Hey pal!" Tom said smiling
"What you doing up four footer?" Doug said picking up the little boy.
"I'm thirsty".
"You've got a drink in your room amigo!" Doug said as he carried him back to bed.
"Hasta manana Tommy", Clavo said waving over Dougs shoulder
"Sleep tight kiddo."
"Blanket's in the drawer Tom"
"Thanks Doug". With one last wave from Clavo he and Doug left the room leaving Tom alone. He walked over to the drawer Doug had pointed out and pulled out the first blankets he laid hands on. He hadn't realised how tired he was until he lay down on Dougs old couch. He closed his heavy tired eyes and was asleep almost imedeately.
As Tom slept peacfully in the other room, Doug lay awake listening for any sound coming from the other rooms. This was a habit he had got down pretty well since he brought Clavo to live with him. He started thinking over everything Hanson had told him and decided he was going to talk to Fuller first thing in the morning. Tom needed more help than he alone could give him and no amount of protest or reasurance from Hanson could convince him otherwise. They had all been so focused on Harry since he had come out of hospital that they had completely missed everything that had been going on with Tom. Thinking back he could see all the signs, his occaisionaly surly and withdrawn behaviour, his disinterest, mood swings, the dark circles under his eyes. Why hadn't he seen it? It was with these thoughts going round in his mind that he finally fell asleep.
He was woken a couple of hours later by Tom's cries from the other room. He rushed into the living room, grabbed his friend by the shoulders and Tom's eyes suddenly snapped open. For a moment he was in a total state of panic and confusion until he realised that the face looking down at him was Penhall's. The look of concern and pity on that face was almost too much for him to take.
"Hey, are you alright?" Doug asked, obviously worried.
"Just a dream." he said trying to smile. "Sorry I woke you. Didn't wake the kid did I?"
"Don't worry, he sleeps through anything. What the hell kind of dream was that?"
"Hey, it's fine, i'm used to it, really".
"Tom?"
"Seriously, I'm ok. Go back to sleep."
With one more questioning look at his friend, Doug started back towards his room, thinking he was definatley going to talk to Fuller, promise or no.
Tom looked around the room, trying to make his surroundings real. A bittersweet smile came across his face as his eyes rested on a framed picture of Doug's late wife Marta, and he realised this was the only thing in the place that looked cared for. Then suddenly feeling tired and ashamed, he turned over and tried to sleep.
When Doug awoke the next morning he began to think of a way to get Tom to stay in the appartment and not go to the Chapel today. He had looked shattered last night and needed some time out. So as he went to wake Clavo, he began to prepare for a full scale argument with Tom. This wasn't necessary however as when he took Clavo into the kitchen to get him some breakfast Hanson was still sound asleep. Thinking this way would be best, and easier all round, Doug did his best to keep Clavo quiet, making him eat his cereal in his room and keeping his cheerful insecent chatter to a minimum.
"Ok little four footer, Tommy's not well ok and he needs to sleep for a real long time. So we're gonna keep real quiet si?"
"Si!" Clavo said smiling cheerfully. "Doug if Tommy's staying home today can I stay home too?"
"No. You've gotta go to day care, learn lots of new things and play with all your friends so you can tell me all about it when I pick you up ok?"
"OK"
"Right, we ready?"
"Si!"
"Up you go then." said Doug as he hoisted the little boy on his back. "Remember real quiet ok!".
Doug crept through the lliving room, Clavo on his back with his hands covering his mouth, bright little eyes darting round the room. As he closed the door behind him Doug let out a sigh of relief. So far so good, he thought, knowing it would be easier to talk to Fuller with Tom out of the way. He was also thinking how pissed he was gonna be when he woke up.
