Changes Chapter 32
As if captured in a nightmare, Logan watched Charles, Hank and Moira disappearing with the still unconscious Jean into the lab. The huge round double door closed right in front of his eyes, after Hank had stopped him from following them. Logan had realized that the blue mutant had said something to him… Still, he hadn't understood a single word… Too deep was the shock and his fear. He begged instantly that he would wake up any minute… That he was in fact lying in his bed with Jean in his arms… His head refused to believe what his eyes saw. Even if he saw everything, his ears heard everything…he just couldn't believe it was real…
Slowly, Logan leant his head against the cold door and closed his eyes, while he tried to control his breath again. Ororo watched him. She also noticed that Scott sat on the floor and was staring at the opposite wall. She felt her heart racing in every inch of her body. When she closed her eyes only for less than a second, she saw the blood on the floor again, saw Jean lying like dead in Logan's arms, while he was quaking with fear. He never quaked, he couldn't be scared so easily and if, he rarely showed it… But she had seen it,…she'd seen the terror in his eyes, his fear of losing her again. She knew it would definitely destroy him if she died again… Ororo swallowed hard and fought against her tears. It hurt her to see Logan suffering so much, she couldn't stand to think about Jean dying… She didn't even dare to imagine what he might do if all three of them wouldn't make it… She noticed that he was shaking again and knew that he fought hard against his inner turmoil. He never showed his feeling openly. He always shielded them, was always strong, unapproachable and reserved…, except when it came to Jean. She, and also Rogue, were the only ones who could reach his hidden true self…, who could reach the sensitive man underneath his rough outward appearance… Ororo looked down for a short moment, before she slowly walked over to him. He didn't move an inch. She swallowed again, before she stretched out her hand to touch him. Suddenly, and before she even was able to reach him, Logan turned around and left; leaving Scott and her looking at each other in confusion.
Only few minutes later, the door opened and Hank came into view, causing Scott to jump up and Storm to look at him with frightened eyes.
"Where is he?", he asked and looked at Storm, who had her eyes fixed on the little bundle in his arms and noticed that his clothes were covered with blood. "'Ro! Where is he?", he said again and raised his voice a bit.
Storm looked up, realizing that Scott was right behind her. "He just left…", she answered barely audible. "He was going crazy here…"
Hank nodded, even if he had figured out the truth by himself. He knew that Logan must have heard what had happened behind the doors. "Find him!", he said instead and handed over the bundle to her, while she stared at him with a mixture of surprise and confusion. "Physical contact is very important! It's possible because of his shock that he reacts rejecting…, but tell him that no one can be blamed for it!"
She nodded slowly and watched him turning around again. "What about Jean?", she called after him.
Hank gave her an indefinable look. "We do everything we can…"
"Did it happen because of us?", Scott suddenly asked, fear echoing in his voice. "Is it our fault?"
The blue mutant shook his head. "It's not your fault, nor Logan's! It's no ones fault…" With a last look on them he went back inside.
Storm felt completely lost and looked to and fro between Scott and the bundle in her arms.
"Go!", he said calmly. "I stay here and wait… If anything happens, I'll let you know!"
She nodded and walked towards the elevator.
XXX
Upstairs, Ororo opened Logan's room door and stepped inside. She found him at the window. His left hand was buried in his jeans pocket, while he supported himself with the other against the window. She knew that even if he was staring into the night, he wasn't aware of the things he actually saw…
Cautiously, she closed the door behind her and came closer She didn't know what to say. She couldn't even think straight since her heart was beating so strongly in her chest. "Logan…?", she finally said calmly and stepped closer. "Hank sent me…" He turned his head and fixed his eyes on the bundle in her hands. Immediately, she noticed the trace of anger, even hate, in them and swallowed hard. "It's not their fault, Logan…" Storm said soothingly. "It's no ones fault,…it just happened… No one can be blames for it!" She looked at him in despair. "They need you, Logan…"
He closed his eyes for a brief moment and tried to calm himself. His mind was racing…, too many things bombarded him at once. He didn't know how to handle them, it was just too much for him. He sighed. "Could you lay them down there?", he asked and nodded towards the two cradles at the opposite wall right next to her.
She nodded. "Sure…" Carefully, she laid both sleeping babies down and became aware of them for the first time, even if she had held them in her arms the whole time through. Storm felt thick lump in her throat as she looked at them. Painfully, she realized that they might grow up as motherless children… She took a deep breath and turned towards Logan, who stood right next to the bed and watched her with empty eyes. She couldn't even endure the pain she felt, so how must he feel, she wondered and felt her heart contracting.
Logan watched her biting her lip and knew what would come next. "'Ro…, please don't…", he said barely audible, but she immediately made a face and began to sob heavily. He broke eye contact and cursed her for making it even harder for him, for shattering the control he tried to keep up so desperately. He swallowed hard and looked at her shaking and pitiful form, the hot tears which seemed to run down her cheeks unstoppably. Suddenly, she stumbled forward and clung to him, while she continued to cry heavily on his shoulder. Logan blinked and concentrated on the floor. He couldn't lose it,…he wouldn't lose it- "'Ro, please…", he begged her, but she didn't stop. Swallowing even harder, he finally pulled her close and tried to calm her. He kept on stroking up and down her back until he could only hear single sobs from her.
Ororo looked up at him. Her eyes were red and wet of crying. She frowned since he avoided her gaze. "Logan, look at me…", she said, but he refused to do it. "Logan, please…", Storm said and tears were gathering in her eyes again. "…don't shut yourself off from me again…", she pleaded, remembering him doing so after Alcatraz. She wasn't able to endure it again. "Please…, look at me…" She touched his face and tilted her head until she finally met his eyes. Her heart stopped beating as she looked into them… The eyes she was staring into were so far away from Logan's usual ones… He was broken, the strength within him was gone completely… Ororo swallowed and ignored her tears this time. Her heart ached and she felt like dying right now… Absently, she was stroking his cheek. "You're not alone, Logan…", she suddenly said, her voice being barely more than a whisper. He broke eye contact and tried to push her away, but she used all her strength to keep him close. "We're there for you… But we can't help you if you turn your back on us, Logan…" She sobbed for a brief moment again. "Can't you just let it out, she asked with a slight trace of anger in her voice, since he didn't show the merest reaction. "Juts for one second!"
"I can't…", Logan hissed through gritted teeth and tried to get rid of her again.
"Why not?", Storm asked him in despair. "Because you show weakness then? Fine, show it!", she went on while she grabbed his arms when he pulled at her again. "No one will believe you that this…" She pointed to the two cradles and his eyes followed her. "…doesn't touch you a bit! No one, Logan!", she said a bit louder. "You're broken and lost… So stop playing the cold-hearted loner who doesn't care, because I know the real you by now!" Ororo watched him swallowing again. He had kept his eyes closed while she spoke and she knew that she had hit him hard. She looked down on her hands which still hold on tightly to his wrists and noticed that he had stopped pulling. He'd given up. Finally, she raised her arms and pulled him down, burying his head on her shoulder. Immediately, his muscles tensed and he wrapped his arms around her, as his last barriers shattered to pieces. "It's okay…", she only whispered and closed her eyes, while she stroke his head and back and waited for him to calm down this time…
XXX
Scott sat on the floor again and waited. His arms laid on his knees, which he'd pulled close. He sighed and bent his head down, so that it now rested in his right hand. His mind still tried to assimilate the things that had happened before. He winced for a brief moment as his hand touched a wounded sport on his chin where Logan had left his mark. Logan…, he wondered how he was feeling right now…
He had looked into the other man's eyes and for the first time ever he'd seen what the others saw in him… Scott still asked himself if this drama hadn't happened if he had just accepted Jean's decision… He felt guilty and blamed himself for being so childish. He had done things which were so completely irrational for his character. He still asked himself what had gotten into him when he'd attacked Logan with his optic blast… He never used it against other people…only if he took part in battles and had to protect himself or help others…
Scott ran a hand through his hair and rested his head in his hand again, while he stared down on the ground. He could never look into the eyes of the others again…not after what he'd done… He'd attacked one of his own team members just to provoke him enough to unleash the beast within Logan. He thanked God that Logan had controlled Wolverine… He cursed himself for his own stupidity… Suddenly, Scott looked up as the door opened next to him…
XXX
"Do you think it was coincidence?", Storm asked calmly and still looked at the two cradles in front of her. She was still holding his hands while she sat on the bed next to him.
"What?", he asked hoarsely.
"Before Jean took of to find you… I wanted to ask her if she was okay, but she thought I wanted to talk about…you know…the thing with Mystique…", she stopped and looked at him for a brief moment, but he had fixed his eyes to the front. "She said that she'd forgiven me…and wanted me to be the godmother…" Storm swallowed and noticed that he looked down. "I mean… I keep on feeling that she…that she knew it somehow… Why else did she say it all of a sudden? I don't understand it…" Despair was mirrored on her face and she sighed, while she fought against upcoming tears.
"I don't believe in coincidences… Things happen for a reason", Logan grunted barely audible. "Even if I don't see a reason here…"
"Yeah, but still…" She didn't know what to say. When her eyes looked up again she noticed something. "I haven't even asked Hank what they…"
"Boy and a girl…", he interrupted her.
Ororo frowned in surprise. "How do you know? You haven't…" Then it hit her. "Your senses…" She nodded in understanding and suddenly became sag again. She had wanted Jean to experience an uncomplicated birth, wanted them to be happy with the twins… She and the girls had even wondered if Logan was one of those guys who passed out while the partner gave birth… She's never believed it…she knew he was strong. Even if there was nothing strong about him right now…
"What kind of names would she like?", he suddenly asked barely audible.
Surprised, Ororo turned her head. "You haven't discussed it?"
"Nope…"
"Why?", she asked and turned her head to face him.
He shrugged. "Dunno…"
She thought about his question. She remembered how Jean and her had once talked about strange names which parents had given their children. But that was a long time ago… If she remembered correctly, she had mentioned a few names back then… "I don't know…", Storm said lost in thought. "You're the father, Logan… What kind of names do you like?"
He gave a derisive laugh. "I don't even know my real one, 'Ro…" Logan gave her a short look before he shrugged. "I don't know…" He ran a hand through his tired looking face.
"You should try and sleep a bit, Logan…", she said and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Do you want me to watch over them?"
He shook his head. "I'll be fine, thanks…"
She nodded and got up. "I'm downstairs if anything's wrong. Try to sleep!"
Logan watched her leave. He knew he wouldn't find any sleep for a long time. Suddenly, the door opened again.
"I forgot something", Storm said. "Hank said they need physical contact. He wanted me to tell you that it's very important!"
He nodded. "Thanks." Cautiously, she closed the door again. He paused for a moment and closed his eyes. He couldn't manage to control his fear or emotions. He felt completely torn between his need to be with Jean and his responsibility towards his children. Logan knew Jean would have wanted him to stay with them. Still, he needed her… He felt so lost and lonely without her and kept on asking himself if she's made him so weak… He'd never been or felt so dependant on somebody, still he new she felt the same way. In the past hours he'd tried to talk to her mentally, had hoped to receive an answer, but it didn't work. Suddenly, Logan looked up as he heard one of the babies whining quietly. Slowly, he got up and made his way towards the cradle. By now, also the second child began to make a face. Logan sighed. Neither did he know what they wanted, nor how he should take care of two children at once. God, how he missed her… Carefully, he took clumsy the girl into his arms, since the boy was still the calmer one and tried to calm her. Somehow, he managed to make her cry even harder and soon, also her brother decided to raise his voice. Logan sighed again. "Come on…", he pleaded and rocked her gently. He frowned as he remembered something Moira had taught him. Slowly, he raised a finger to her mouth and watched as she immediately began to suck on it. Logan smirked slightly. "Hungry, eh?", he said calmly and looked around. He had to find something to carry both at the same time…
XXX
Storm walked through the huge double door in the basement. She had met Hank on her way downstairs who'd told her where she would find Jean. He himself was on his way upstairs to talk to Logan. Ororo reached the next door and found Scott and the Professor on the other side, both were looking through a huge window into another room. Confused, she stepped forward. "Why is she on the isolation ward?", she asked in confusion. Her heart sped up. Something must have gone wrong…
Charles turned towards her, while Scott stared into the room. "It's a prevention!", he said calmly, still she felt his tension. "She lost a lot of blood and is very weak. We can't risk an infection…"
She could only stare while her mind tried to assimilate the news. "How did it happen anyway? And…if she's on the station,…no one can get to her besides the personal doctor… Do you know what you're doing to him by keeping her in isolation?" She'd spoken very fast in her agitation.
"I know…" Charles said soothingly. "And we don't know how or why it happened. So far all I know is that it must have been an internal injury or something like that", he said while he looked at Jean again. "It had slowly caused an internal bleeding, which has gotten worse. Jean's body has reacted to it by quitting its work." He sighed. "Hank said it was a miracle that the babies were still alive… Speaking of which…" He looked up. "How is Logan doing?"
Storm snorted. "What do you think?" She watched Moira taking care of Jean. "I'm not gonna tell him that he can't even be close to her!", she suddenly said completely serious.
Charles nodded. "Hank wanted to do it…" He sighed in despair. "I'll go and use Cerebro. We have to keep an eye on the Brotherhood…especially now…"
Storm watched him leave before she turned her attention towards Scott, who still stared into the room. She walked over to him. "He didn't tell you something…", he suddenly said, his voice being barely more than a whisper.
"What?", she asked frightened.
He turned his head and she immediately saw the dried tears on his cheeks. Fear was taking over her heart. "She's in a coma… They don't know if she will even survive this night…"
"What!", Storm nearly shrieked in shock. Suddenly, her head felt very light. All emotions were gathered around her heart and overwhelmed it. Everything she could feel right now was the strongest kind of fear she'd ever experienced. She felt deeply scared because of the news and started to think about coincidence and destiny again… "Are they gonna tell him?"
Scott shook his head. "I don't think so… Logan has enough to deal with right now…"
"But they have to!", she protested. "They can't keep that away from him! If he finds out, he'll…" She broke off and ran a hand through her face. This was a nightmare… Nothing more that that… With tears in her eyes she looked at her opposite. "If she's really dying…", Ororo said deadly serious and started to cry as she was overwhelmed by her emotions. "…then he wants to be with her… They can't keep that away from him! They just can't!"
