Three months later

Fuller stood in the doorway to his office, a bittersweet smile playing on his lips as he watched Judy and Doug, their heads bent close together reading the latest letter from Harry. These letters had started off as thousand page novels, but over the past few weeks they had got progressively shorter. He supposed that had to be a good thing. Showed Harry was getting on with his life. His stomach churned as he watched their faces light up as their eyes passed over the pages. The last few months had been hard on these two and he felt bad that he would have to cause anymore upset but he had put this conversation off for as long as he could. "Life goes on after all, unfair as it seems" he thought sadly as he screwed up his courage.

"Doug!" he called, trying to sound as neutral as possible, "Can I see you for a minute?"

"Sure Captain. What is it?"

"In my office please."

"Whoops! What's he done this time Captain?" Hoffs said with a wink.

"None of your business Judith" Fuller said smiling as he turned to follow Doug. Once in his office he motioned for Doug to take a seat. He sat down opposite him, took one look into the young officer's face and decided he would feel better standing.

"Something wrong captain?" Doug asked noticing his commanding officer's unease.

"Sort of. I need to talk to you Doug."

"Sure. What about?" he asked warily.

"How's the situation with getting sitters for Clavo?"

"You know I got that sorted, I told you." Doug said puzzled.

"She working out ok?"

"Yeah. Look captain, I know you didn't bring me in here to play social worker. What is this about?"

"Ok!" he said taking a deep breath. "I've put this off as long as I can Doug, and believe me I'm not any happier about saying this than you will be hearing it. I guess the best way would be to just come out and say it. Doug you're one of my most experienced and effective operatives and it doesn't make sense for you to be on desk duty any longer." He took another deep breath and looked back at the young man sitting before him. "I'm asigning Garrett as your partner."

Doug looked at him with a mixture of shock, anger, disappointment, sadness and betrayl. He couldn't believe he was hearing this. Asigning him a new partner!

"You're what!" he said, his voice shaking.

"Doug, I need someone to really show him the ropes, they're making this kid as easy as coffee, and you did bring him in" Fuller said, trying to justify his decision whilst feeling like the lowest lifeform on the planet under his officer's gaze.

"You're replacing Hanson?" Doug's voice began to rise.

"No!" he said calmly but firmly. "I could never do that. But..."

"Don't you dare say life goes on!" Doug said, anger threatening to explode any second. "I can't believe this. He's only been gone three months and you're already trying to replace him. Well let me tell you, captain, no one is taking his place!"

"Look Penhall! I know you don't want to hear this, and I know it seems cold, but life does go on, for me, you, Judy, Harry, Clavo" he said, putting the emphasis on Dougs little boy.

"Yeah, but not for Tom" Doug interrupted, "Not that anyone else seems to care!"

"Stop right there Doug!" Fuller said, his anger now matching the younger cop's. "You aren't the only one who's lost Tom. We all loved him Doug and believe me I will never forget him, and there's nothing I would like better than to send the McQuaid brothers out there again,but I can't, he's dead" he said coming and putting a comforting hand on Doug's shoulder. "He isn't gone, he's dead. There's nothing we can do to bring him back, and refusing to accept that certainly won't. Look, I know how much he meant to you, he meant alot to all of us, but maybe it's time you let Tom go." he said kindly.

"How can I?" he said turning to look at Fuller. "How can I accept this when I don't understand why?"

"There is no reason for it Doug. I wish I could give you one."

"Now I've got Judy in bits and I don't know if I can tell her what she wants to hear, and I have noone to tell me what to do. I've got Clavo asking why he can't see Tom any more. Harry may as well be on the other side of the world and..." he stopped abruptly taking a deep breath, "I can't even mourn for my best friend. I don't feel anything but anger because when I think about him all I see is what that bastard did to him. He was getting better captain. I just keep thinking over those last minutes. He was right there talking to me, awake and aware of everything going on around him, laughing and joking. The next those monitors were going off, and before I knew what was happening that doctor came out and told us he was gone. It just doesn't seem real, that after fighting through all that he could just give up."

"It's real." Fuller said gently "And in time those memories will fade and the good ones will only get stronger."

"You'd think loosing people would get easier. It doesn't does it?"

"No, if anything Doug, it gets harder. It's not meant to get easier. If it ever get's easy Doug, that's the time to worry" he said as he sat on the corner of his desk facing Penhall. "This is just business you know Doug. I'm not replacing Tom". Doug stood and nodded his head slightly before heading for the door. "You ok?" Fuller asked before he left the room.

"Yeah." he said shortly.

"Time to say goodbye Doug". He simply turned his gaze on Fuller, smiled faintly and closed the door behind him. "Say goodbye" Doug thought, "Must be nice to see things so clearly." he thought bitterly although he had noticed that the desk next to Judy's was still unoccupied. As Doug walked towards his desk he passed the unoccupied one that sat a little distance away from Hoffs. The drawers had been emptied and all the contents had been handed over to Margaret Hanson, but the surface of the desk was still just the way it had been over four months ago when it had last been used. He stopped and looked at it, noticing with some sadness the dust that had gathered over the desktop and the items neatly arranged across it. Hoffs sat at her desk watching with anxiety as she saw Dean Garrett making his way over to talk to the older undercover cop. Judy herself could still not get used the the empty desk beside her, anymore than she had been able to accept the new occupant of the desk that had been Harry's. It still brought a lump to her throat when she realised they weren't there.

"Hey Penhall" he said cheerfully, making the observing Judy Hoffs wince. "I hear we're gonna be teaming up again!"

"Hmmm.." Doug said simply, without looking at him. To Judy's relief, Doug turned from the desk and the young rookie. He decided he had to go somewhere and headed out of the chapel.

"What did I do?" Garrett asked looking towards Judy.

"It's not you." she said kindly, "Don't worry. He's a good guy, he'll come round".

A lone figure stood before two neighbouring graves, his eyes fixed on the more recent headstone. His intent gaze tracing the words written on it over and over.

Thomas C Hanson

1965 - 1990

"Sorry I haven't been by." Doug said, feeling slightly odd talking to a stone. All logic told him that Tom wasn't there and it didn't matter to him how often he'd been by. Graves were for the living, not the dead. Something for the ones left behind to help in their grieving. But since when did the heart ever listen to logic. Something told him that he should be there. He hadn't been back here since the funeral. He noticed the fresh flowers on the grave Mrs Hanson must have put there and felt oddly comforted by this, thinking that at least his friend hadn't been alone. The grass had grown quickly this summer and looking at it he could no longer tell where the grave had been dug. Only the headstone marked the place where his best friend now rested.

"Been busy you know. Desk duty is real demanding." he said sarcasticly. "The place just isn't the same without you whining anyhow. Harry's doing real well, he seems happy, writes all the time. Sounds like his grandmother's taking care of him more than he is of her. He mentions thier neighbours daughter a bit too often for my liking." he said smiling to himself. "Listen to me, I'm rambling like an idiot, I don't even know what I'm doing! Funny isn't it, I talked to you nearly all day everyday for nearly five years and now I can't think of anything to say. You're probably relived not to have to listen to me anymore huh?" he said with a slight smile. "God, I miss you man. Why did you have to always be the hero?" he continued suddenly feeling inexplicably angry. "Couldn't you have just this once let someone else do it. There's SWAT teams and hostage negotiators for stuff like that, why did it have to be you? Didn't you think I'd had enough people I care about disappear? Or did you want to die, is that it? What am I meant to do without you? We were brothers man, how could you just quit on your brother?". He stopped his tiraid and looked up, eyes once again followed the words on the gravestone. "It's not like you can tell me now though is it! I'm sorry Tom. I know you were doing what you thought was for the best, to help Harry. I'm sorry for being angry, sorry for being such a pain in the ass to everyone these last few months, and I'm sorry I couldn't protect you this time Tom. I wish there was something somebody could have done. You didn't deserve this. After all the five of us have been through we should all be leading happy, simple lives, you most of all, not this. Where did it all go so wrong?" he said reaching out to rest his hand on the top of the headstone but pulling back at the last second. After looking over at the grave of the older Thomas Hanson, he turned back to the one where his best friend had been laid to rest. "She was right you know, he would have been proud of you, man, and I promise, as long as me, Fuller and Jude are around we'll make sure Mrs H is looked after. She's watching Clavo for me actually, little guy's really taken to her." He gestured towards the flowers that had been placed on the grave, smiled slighly and said, "I didn't bring any, didn't think it was appropriate, you know, wrong impression and everything. I have a reputation to uphold you know. God, this is wierd. I wish I knew if you could hear me. There's so many things left unanswered. Booker said Judy's really hurting, and I don't know what to tell her. I don't whether the truth would make it any easier for her. If I show her this, she'll always wonder what could've been. Is that worse than leaving her in the dark. I'm lost here buddy, I need you to tell me what to do. Hey, who knows maybe you can hear me. If you can, just let me know you're ok, will you? I just need to know that wherever you are you're ok, at peace I guess. And I need to say thank you, for El Salvador,for everything you ever did for me. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. Oh man, this is hard." he said as he felt the tears that had been threatening for months run down his face. "I wish I knew how to thank you properly, but I can't, so er, I'll just say goodbye. Rest easy man"

"Doug?" came the small voice from behind him.

He turned around to see Judy stood looking back at him.

"What are you doing?" she continued

"I came to say goodbye."

"You ready to do that?"

"I should be." he shrugged his shoulders and put his hands in his pockets, clearly feeling uncomfortable. "I guess I just need to see it to make it real, you know", he said gesturing towards the headstone.

"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."

"So how you doing?" Doug said, genuine concern evident in his voice.

"What do you mean?"

"Come on Jude", he said with the trace of a faint smile,"I saw the way you were holding on to him that morning." She looked back at him trying to make her face as blank and innocent as possible, and as she realised she was failing miserably she gave it up.

"Mostly I just miss him. I miss both of them so much. You know sometimes at work when I look round and they're not there, It's so easy to pretend that they're off somewhere on a case together or something."

"Judy?" he said, looking down at his shoes, trying to avoid her gaze. He had no idea whether telling this would help her or make her feel worse, but he felt she had a right to know.

"Yeah."

"He cared alot about you too you know."

"I know."

"No, I mean really cared alot about you." She looked back at him with a mixture of confusion and astonishment and he couldn't help laughing. "Oh come on Jude. You know he always told me everything. We compared notes."

"He told you about that?" she said tears forming in her eyes despite the laughter in her voice remembering how Tom had jokingly told her he would tell Doug every single detail.

"Course he did. Considering I'd been telling him for ages now to get a move on instead moping around and whinging to me."

"How long?"

"I don't know exactly, a while. That's another thing we'll have to get by not knowing. Why do you think he was so hurt when he found out about you and Booker that time?"

"I thought he was just angry cos he saw it as siding with the enemy. What about Jackie?"

"That was barely even a relationship Jude. Three guesses as to why?"

"Why didn't he ever say anything?"

"Scared of complicating things. He said your friendship was too important to him to screw it up, you were in his life and that was enough." He looked hard at her and continued. "You remember after what happened at that med school you were both working?"

"Yes" she said stiffly.

"At the bar afterwards, you danced together remember."

"I remember" she said softly.

"Think about the last time Tom ever danced with anyone. Why do you think he did that? And why do think he spent all that night on the bonnet of his car watching your place. Scratching the painwork on the Mustang I might add" he said trying his best to raise a smile from his remaining partner. "In his own way he was showing you how he felt." Moments of silence followed as Doug drew something out of his pocket and held it in his hands staring at it. "If you don't believe me, belive Tom." he said handing it to her.

"What's this?"

"I found it while he was sleeping. Did a lousy job of hiding it. I figured he must have wanted you to read it or I'd never have gotten my hands on it."

Judy took the paper from Doug, opened it and looked at the familiar handwriting. It was shaky and nowhere near as neat as she had seen it a thousand times, but unmistakable. As she looked at it her legs gave way and she sat down hard on the grass.

"Where did he get this?"

"No idea" he smiled. She took a deep breath and began to read.

Judy

I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to give this to you but I'm stuck here listening to Doug snoring and I've done nothing but think about what you said. You're right. Life is too short to leave things unsaid and I don't know how much time I've got. I know that you're all being positive and telling each other everthings going to be ok, but I'm the only one who knows how bad it hurts when the painkillers stop, I'm tired. Thing is Jude, I've never been much good with words, but you know that, so I'm writing what I know I'll never have the guts to say. What do you know, not much better with the writing either.

I should have told you a long time ago how much you mean to me. Getting to know you over these past few years has given me more happiness than I could ever have dreamed of, more than I ever deserved. I've been so lucky to have had had you in my life, eventhough I was too much of a coward to make you part of it. God, I'm still not coming out and saying it am I? I love you. That wasn't so hard. I guess I always did in my own way. These things have a habit of sneaking up on you don't they. If you don't feel the same that's ok, just tell Doug he owes me $50. Although I think maybe you do. Talk about wasted time, hey detective. I'm sorry I never told you. I supose I thought you deserved better than me.

Well I can hear one of you babysitters coming down the hall so I'd better make this quick, before I go back to playing sleeping beauty. If the worst does happen take care of Doug for me, he needs someone to keep him out of trouble and Clavo's not big enough yet, and tell Harry not to dwell too much on what's happened. He has a future to look forward to and he should go into it with a clean slate, not with all this baggage hanging over him. Most of all, take care of yourself. I know you'll be fine. Everything will be alright, I promise. New deal, remember, Judy.

All my love

Tom

"Oh you idiot Hanson!" she said smiling through her tears. She felt a sudden warmth knowing that her feelings had been returned in some way. It was like she had been given permission to grieve and noone would be able to take that fact away from her.

"I didn't know whether I should tell you or not. I just thought you deserved to know."

"Thank you, Doug."

"Did I do the right thing giving it to you?"

"I needed some kind of closure Doug. I'm glad you showed me."

"No what if's ok." he said kneeling down, wiping away her tears and putting comforting arms around her.

"They'll always be those." she said sadly. Her mind drifted back to the last time she had seen him after they had brought him back after the tests. As she had said goodbye he had held onto her arm, his eyes looking over her face as if he had been commiting every feature to memory. "It's like he knew what was coming Doug."

"Maybe, in someway, you always do. Don't think about it, just know that you had someone who loved you very much.I wish you could have seen how proud of you he was when you got your silver shield"

"I saw. I'm so scared I'm gonna forget him. I know we have pictures and everything but I won't be able to hear his voice, or see all the little quirks, like when he chewed his lip when he was nervous, god, even that look he got when you knew you'd annoyed him" she said laughing slightly.

"Oh you'll never froget that." Doug said smiling. Then becoming serious again took hold of both of Judy's hands and said "Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Just close your eyes. Now think about Tom and look really hard." he said gently. "Do you see him?"

"Yes."

"What's he doing?"

"Shouting at you cos you've messed up his paperwork."

"See. You're not forgetting a thing." he said smiling. "Look again. What's he doing now?"

"We're all sat at the conference table eating pizza. Harry's leaning on his arms listening to you tell one of your stories, your arms are waving around more and more as your story gets more far fetched. Tom's pretending to ignore you building a tower out of matchsticks, while whispering saracstic comments about your story in my ear."

"See, whenever you feel like you're forgetting him, close your eyes and he'll always be there.

"Thank you Doug" she said, a smile on her face and tears streming down her cheeks. "Well, it's me and you now Douglas!"

"There's worse to get stuck with I guess" he said as he pulled her to her feet.

She smiled at him before turning her gaze to the grave in front of them. "You know, wherever he is you don't have to worry. He's probably up there cringing at how sappy we're being! He was a good person. He'll be ok"

"You really belive that Jude?"

"Yeah, I do. He's at peace and nothing there can harm him anymore."

Doug smiled and gave her a quick fierce hug. "It's getting cold, you coming?"

"Go ahead, I'll follow in a little bit."

"Ok. Don't be on your own Doug." He smiled back at her and watched her walk towards the car before turning back.

"No one likes a show off Hanson!" he said lightly, a small smile on his face. "Using a lady to do your dirty work. I hear you man. Thank you." He bent down to straighten the flowers feeling strangely at peace. As he got to his feet he smiled brightly looking up to the sky. It was one of those fall days where you could feel winter around the corner cold and bright with not a cloud in sky, when everything feels crisp and clean. "Goodbye Tom" he said softly before slowly walking away.

As he made his way to the edge of the cemetery Jude was wating for him.

"So, you gonna give Garrett a chance? He's not a bad kid you know."

"Yeah, I know. Doesn't bowl does he?"

"I hear he's got a 190 average."

"Oh great. This'll never work".

Judy turned and grinned at him and they made their way arm in arm towards the car where Fuller was waiting, to face whatever the future would bring, together.

Well there you go folks. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it.