POV Lan

The training and sparring sessions with Moiraine have taken a decidedly vicious edge since the day she learnt the news of her brother a week ago, it had been a good thing in the beginning, Moiraine needed that edge, while Lan himself always fought immersed in the Oneness, one with the flame, one with the void and one with the whole world itself, that mastery of Oneness came with decades of practice and well after he began his learning of the sword. Most Humans are not really designed to fight and kill, in a situation of fight or flight, nine out of ten choose to flee, if they are not frozen in fear and indecision instead. The instinct to fight needs to be trained into a person, sometimes even that doesn't work. Soldiers have it easier in a way, when gathered in a group the decision to fight transfers from the individual to the collective and with right guidance a collective could be made to do almost anything, even kill.

But it is unlikely that Moiraine will ever be part of such collective, that means the instinct to fight needs to be the first one when she was cornered in the unlikely scenario that Saidar is out of her reach. In the training sessions up to now, she unconsciously held back, which is perfectly normal and Lan was planning to train that out of her over the years, after all there was no real urgency in Moiraine learning to wield a knife or a dagger, it was just a skill she was inspired to pick up to make most out her Warder enhanced physical abilities and who knows it might just come in handy one day, after all Moiraine did lead a more dangerous life than most Aes Sedai.

So Lan was pleasantly surprised by Moiraines new found vicious edge, what would have taken years effort from Lans part became completely unnecessary, after all intense emotion, usually hate or anger or fear was enough to prompt a person to swing a weapon with intent to kill. And Moiraine was feeling angry, very angry, even if she masked the bond, Lan knows her well enough to know that. A tightening around the eyes, a bare suggestion of a downward curve at the lips, an unusual stiffness in how she held herself and thousand other micro expressions all but screamed that Moiraine is well and truly seething with anger, whatever her Aes Sedai serenity said. Which was very unusual, if Lan had to name defining characteristics for Moiraine, self possession and equanimity were it. Lan would have waited for Moiraine to open up on her own but the anger outlived its usefulness and she started make some truly stupid mistakes while sparring.

It seemed its up to Lan to first broach the subject. After they finished their dinner, Lan situated himself before Moiraine and looked her in the eyes and said, " You are angry, more angry than you have ever been. Don't bother side stepping it, I kept quiet because it helped in your training initially and I hoped the exercise will help you expend the emotion or even that you would talk through it with Siuan, which does not seem to be case. Thats done with now. Talk to me, whats on your mind."

There was a crack in Moiraines façade of serenity and her dark eyes flashed hot anger and cold rage, before she all but growled out, "Talk! Talk! This coming from a man with seeming emotion and empathy of a rock!"

Unperturbed Lan replied calmly, "You know thats not true, thats why you added the 'seeming' there. I am concerned Moiraine, I do not understand where this anger is coming from, sorrow I could understand, even though you were not close with him, he was still your brother, still family. But anger? Who are you angry with?"

Moiraine kept her lips sealed shut, with a never before seen sullen look on her face. Moiraine would not budge on this, at least not yet, Lans words reached her, but it would take some time for her to open up. Lan pursed his lips before saying, "Please talk to me, I am here, whatever you need, I am here."

That night Moiraine once again snuggled next to Lan to sleep, but he did not say anything else.


Two days after that talk, during which Lan refused to train Moiraine, she finally started talking, "I am angry with Taringail and a little with myself."

"Why with yourself?", Lan asked in as soothing tone as he could manage.

"Because of how little sorrow I felt for his death. He was my brother and all I could manage was shed a single tear for him. One tear! One! Even that I am not sure was for him. How cold hearted am I, that I cannot even grieve my own brother? Was it the Aes Sedai training that made me so cold? Or was it just another excuse and I was always such a stone cold witch? ", Moiraine near shouted that question, chest heaving with intense emotion.

Lan waited until Moiraines breath settled and replied, "Its hard to mourn an already dead relationship, Moiraine. Your reaction seemed appropriate enough for what you told me about your brother, which was not much mind you, but it did not paint a picture of a good brother, worse, not even a good man. But I do understand your anger with yourself though, I grow angry with myself too, sometimes, for not still mourning and not breaking for all the friends, loved ones and even strangers I left dead in my wake. All I can say, you get used to it, not good advice I know, its aggravating, cynical and heart breaking all at once, but its true, you get used to it and you try to keep as much of your humanity as you can."

Moiraine just grunted in reply, but his words at least seemed to have reached her.

"Why are you angry with Taringail?", Lan asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

"You don't know this, but Taringail was perhaps the most beautiful man I have ever seen, I do not know how many women practically threw themselves at his feet, but it was a lot, he had a queen for wife, three children, a position of considerable prestige and power, if he had been even a moderately good husband to Morgase he would have had even more of it, or even just stayed smart and played his cards right, he could have even ascended the Sun Throne with some backing from Andor. Even if he did nothing but played with his children and raised them, it would have been a wonderfully fulfilling life. But no, he was power mad as any Damodred before him and was a monster enough to plan on killing his own wife. Its his lust for power that killed him. The thought that he had so much, and could have had so much more, a chance at true happiness and that he discarded it as garbage makes my blood boil", Moiraine ground out.

"His reasons for why he did what he did are his own and dead men tell no secrets. Let it go Moiraine. Even though you did not speak it, I get the feeling that, you are questioning yourself whether you share anything else with your brother besides your father. Just don't. I know you Moiraine, a thirst for power has never been your sin. Your willingness to shoulder the burdens of the world is though", so saying Lan kissed Moiraines forehead and gave her a hug. Which seemed to have surprised her very much.

Not giving Moiraine a chance to reply, Lan continued, "Of these last six months, we spent far too much of it away from other people and that seemed to have made you more introspective than usual, I am sure that my disinclination for speaking did not help matters any. Tomorrow we return to al'Thors farm, Moiraine, perhaps it will be a good distraction, we are running out of supplies anyway and I had to range farther and farther for any game, our presence and your efforts with channeling seemed to have scared many of them away. So we return, Karis friendship and the banter with Wisdoms will no doubt raise your spirits, I am not taking no for an answer, Moiraine."

Moiraine just nodded in assent, but sat next to him to lean her head against his shoulder and they both sat in a comfortable silence watching the flame.