Bastila awoke as the dawn sent the first tentative fingers of light over the horizon. It was her favorite time of day – the Jedi Temple was enveloped in an air of peace and anticipation, waiting for the day's activity to begin. She drew up her knees and stared out at the verdant gardens outside her window. She had a sudden vision of Revan, asleep on the Ebon Hawk. Bastila smiled at the picture of him, his dark hair tousled, his breathing deep and even.
The image faded and her gaze fell on an old holocron sitting on a nearby table. Cracked and weather-beaten, it was all she had left of her father. After they found the holocron on Tatooine, Revan convinced her to give her mother a second chance. Bastila blushed in shame when she thought of the disastrous visit with her mother yesterday. Twisting the bed sheet in knots, she wondered how she would be able to face Helena again.
I have to, she thought. I can't let the old hurts continue to fester. It will only lead me back to the Dark Side. She shuddered and buried her face in her hands. If there is one thing I cannot do, she vowed, I cannot fall again.
"There will be no more falling for you, missy," Jolee Bindo's words from yesterday echoed in her head. He'd given her a stern lecture after she told him what happened at the hospital.
"Oh, Jolee," she sighed. "Ever since – since what happened, I can't seem to suppress my emotions like I used to – everything seems to just tumble out all over the place."
"Hrmph," he grunted disdainfully. "Reason number 130 why I'm not a part of the order. All those platitudes about 'there is no emotion' and all you wind up with is a bunch of confused youngsters. You don't control your emotions by suppressing them."
"But –"
"No buts, missy." He handed her a datapad. "You read this. None of that cryptic Jedi business. Sometimes you need science." He tapped his temple. "Emotion and memory are irrevocably linked. It's hard-wired in our brains. Every time you feel anger, sorrow, fear or joy, the emotion of the moment is built on the memories of when you last felt those emotions.
"It's a cascading effect," he continued. "That's why people react to things all out of proportion to the situation at hand. When you feel helpless, you're feeling every other time you ever felt helpless in your life. Some memories are bigger triggers than others. The trick is finding those triggers and defusing them."
Bastila shook her head. "I still don't –"
"That's enough talking," he said. "I need my rest. Now shoo!"
Bastila shook her head and brought herself back to the present. She realized that despite all of the upheaval from the day before, her dreams had been blissfully uneventful. It was the first time since the Star Forge that she'd slept through the night. The dreams began during those long nights on the Ebon Hawk as the ship made its way back to Coruscant.
Beneath her feet, the Star Forge pulsed, alive and deadly, its Dark Side energy a current that passed within her, making her body feel vibrantly alive and empty at the same time. A hunger burned within her, gnawing at her mind and soul. She needed –
Power, the word throbbed within her chest, in time to the Star Forge's rhythm. She was a conduit of the greatest power of all, housed here within the Star Forge. She drew upon the energy and focused it with her talent into her battle meditation. Through her whim alone, she could direct the ebb and flow of the battle. The ships and men that surrounded her where nothing but pawns, living and dying as it suited her.
Bastila bared her teeth in a feral mockery of a smile, the dark veins that marred her face spreading as she did so. But she did not mind. Who needed to be beautiful when you could make men bow at your feet with just a wave of the hand?
The door slid open. Bastila turned to find Revan, Jolee and Juhani in the doorway. For a brief moment, she was disappointed to note that she hadn't felt his presence before then. She noted with distaste that a part of her missed their bond, the bond she had broken.
Just after Malak captured her on the Leviathan, while she was still weak and naïve, she had closed herself off to their bond. To protect him, the former Dark Lord of the Sith. How pathetic, she hissed to herself. If she hadn't been so sanctimonious in the beginning, she could have used that bond to weaken him. But it was no matter – the Star Forge gave her more than enough power to turn him or defeat him, it didn't matter which.
Inside her head, a voice that had been her constant companion since the Leviathan hissed. Finish him! He has turned away from you too many times.
"Yes," she murmured, igniting her lightsaber. "I must end this." As Revan stepped forward, she raised her hand and closed it into a fist, crushing the life out of his two companions.
(This isn't right – I didn't kill them!)
She noticed something dark and dangerous flare in his eyes, and she smiled. She also noticed how reluctantly he ignited his own lightsaber. It angered her to think he would still presume to care about her, not after he refused to join her.
Use that hatred, the voice cried. Punish him for his insincerity.
Bastila struck the first blow, feeling her hatred fuel the emptiness inside her. Revan parried, but did not move to attack.
"Fight me, damn you!"
"No," was his quiet reply.
Bastila screamed in frustration. He doesn't love you, the voice told her. He stood by and watched Saul Karath torture you for nothing! One word would have stopped the pain. Her lightsaber arced through the air, forcing him back.
You left me for dead on the Leviathan. Bastila was dimly aware that the voice was now screaming, and that it was her own. You knew I was no match for Malak – if you really loved me, you wouldn't have left me to face him on my own.
Revan's back was now against the wall. He had no where to turn. He switched off his lightsaber and looked at her sadly.
"I love you, Bastila, and I can't ever abandon you, ever," he said simply.
"Then you are a fool," she replied, before she brought the lightsaber down and cleaved him in two.
(No, no, NO!)
Bastila, my love, awaken.
Bastila opened her eyes and blinked at the utter darkness that surrounded her. Over the lingering whispers in her mind, she dimly heard Juhani and Mission's breathing as they slept peacefully in their nearby bunks. She hugged herself for a moment, staring at the ceiling, willing her heartbeat to slow.
Malak is dead, the Star Forge destroyed. He can't get to me any longer, she told herself over and over.
Once she calmed herself, she wiped away the tears that still streamed down her cheeks.
A new whisper, sweet and low, filled her mind. Bastila . . .
She realized then who had snatched her from that terrible nightmare. Revan.
Closing her eyes, she wondered where she would find the strength to get up. Despite her mental exhaustion, her body seemed to move of its own accord, and soon she found herself standing in the doorway of the cargo hold.
Revan looked up from his meditation. He stood, and without a word, he motioned her to come closer.
It was the first time they'd been alone since the Star Forge, since she told him she loved him. She hung back, half afraid that she was still in the temple, and that this moment was merely a fever dream. He smiled, and called her again.
"Bastila."
With shy, halting steps, she moved toward his outstretched hand. As she drew near, he wrapped an arm around her waist and held her close, breathing in the scent of her hair.
Bastila clung to him, her arms going around his strong back. She hadn't been held this way since – since she was six, when her father . . . . Bastila bit her lip, trying to catch hold of the memory, but it was slippery, and she was left with nothing but a vague impression of her father's worried face.
Pulling away, Revan held her face in her hands, his thumb gently caressing her tear-stained cheek. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose. She closed her eyes as his lips softly brushed hers. She sighed and wound her arms around his neck, pulling him closer as he deepened the kiss.
Bastila opened herself to him, allowing herself to embrace the joy that filled her. She smiled – for the first time since they left Dantooine – as she kissed him back.
But a sudden ripple in the Force, faraway and faint, made her shiver in apprehension. She cast her senses out through the Force and felt the evil that lurked in the shadows. The chilling thoughts came unbidden, and she tried unsuccessfully to shove the looming dread away. It's waiting, she thought. Whatever it is, it will be here sooner than we know. Her eyes snapped open and she stepped out of Revan's embrace to study him fearfully.
"Don't go," she begged.
He looked at her for a long moment, searching her eyes for the source of her alarm. Finally, Revan brushed the loose tendrils of air from her face and pulled her toward him again. "I'm here for as long as you want me," he said gravely.
In response, Bastila held him closer, knowing that while he meant what he said, it wasn't quite the truth.
Bastila turned the memory of that night over in her mind. She knew, deep down, that part of her healing would be coming to terms with the fact that Revan would leave eventually. But today, she mind skipped over the troubling thought and honed in on the memory from her youth that had almost resurfaced.
No, it wasn't quite a memory, she thought. Just an image, a vague impression. Bastila bit her lip and frowned. I was six years old, she thought. It must have happened sometime before my parents sent me to the Jedi. Something bad happened that day, but what?
She stood and walked to where the holocron lay. She picked it up gingerly and turned it over in her hand. She thought about what Jolee had said about memory and emotion and wondered if finding out what happened was another of the challenges Revan talked about. She set the holocron down and pinched the bridge of her nose. There was no sense in worrying about it now, when there were no answers immediately forthcoming, she thought. The Force will show me what I need to know. She began to get dressed.
Today was a new day, and there was much to make of it.
