Flashman and the Throne of Swords

Chapter 10

by Technomad

When we got to Kings Landing, the city was locked down, tightly. My status as a British envoy and the credentials of my escort got us past the gate guards, but they weren't letting anybody at all out. This had not gone over well; as we rode through, there were large, angry crowds of people who hadn't planned on a stay in the capital, all yelling and complaining. They gave us sour looks as we rode by, but the sight of my escort's armour and weapons kept them from anything worse. I scowled right back at 'em; 'twasn't my fault that the authorities had decided to keep them in! If they thought they had it rough, I knew some sky cells at the Eyrie that they could have for a while. That'd show'em!

We reined in at the Embassy to find it in a fine tizzy. Word had gone ahead by carrier-raven that I'd been located, so they weren't surprised to see me, but seeing me pulling up, disheveled, badly in need of a shave and a bath, and with my clothes in ruins, set people scurrying. Dick Burton came down the front stairs to meet me at the main gate.

"Flash! I knew they couldn't kill you! You're indestructible!" We clasped hands. I was very glad to see him again; with Ruffian Dick Burton about and on my side, I knew I was safe, and for the first time since being captured by that damnable b*tch Catelyn Stark I could relax inside. Inside our Embassy, with the Royal Marines on duty and HMS Penelope just offshore, I was as safe as anybody could be on that moth-eaten continent. Of course, if our gracious sovereign lady hadn't happened to think of me at an inopportune moment, or I'd been conveniently not to be found, I'd never have been within thousands of miles of the accursed place.

Choking off that dangerous thought, I composed my face in a broad smile as I dismounted. "What? You thought that I was in trouble? It takes more than a spot of bother to worry me!" A bigger lie I have seldom or never told, but it went over a right treat. The British who'd come running out to see me let out a loud "Huzzah!" and some ass or other started up "See, the conquering hero comes…"

Right then, I found myself swarmed by a blonde. Elspeth had come hot-foot the second she had heard I was back, and as soon as my feet were both on the ground, she was all over me, hugging me hard enough to make my ribs creak and sobbing into my shoulder. Heedless of the fact that people were watching…we were married, damn it, and to hell with anybody who didn't like it! I picked her up and swung her around, to a chorus of cheers. Why had I ever thought that Gatehouse Amerei had anything to offer, with this awaiting me in Kings Landing?

"Harry!" she sobbed. "Oh, Harry, we heard about what had happened to you! Those awful women…how could they do such a thing to you? When I catch up to them…" Looking into her eyes, I felt a moment's fear. I remembered Sonsee-Array, my third wife (1) and her ways of tickling up a helpless prisoner, as well as Yehonala in Peking (2)…neither of those ladies was exactly a slouch at getting even with a man who'd crossed her. And for all her pink-and-white loveliness and her guileless blue eyes, my sweet Elspeth was their sister under the skin.

I knew what to do. I held her close, murmuring soothingly: "There, there, m'dear…it's all well. I'm here. Couldn't stay away from my Elspeth, could I now?" As I'd known it would, that got a tremulous smile from her. I took my handkerchief and gently blotted tears from her face. "Come now, m'dear. Mustn't let that radiant complexion be marred with tear-tracks. How're you to outshine all the women in Kings Landing with tears on your face?"

As I'd known it would, that distracted her. Elspeth, bless her, is one of the vainest creatures I've ever run across…mind you, with a face like an angel and a figure that would tempt the Grand Inquisitor to convert to Protestantism, she's got a deal to be vain of. And she knew it, the little minx. Most of the British women at the Embassy were raddled old mem-sahibs, their skins leathery and permanently tanned from too many years in tropic climes. The only rival to my Elspeth was Lady Isabel Burton, and in my unbiassed opinion, even without her tiresome piety, Isabel wasn't within miles of Elspeth.

And with "her Hector" back home, she wouldn't have any chance, or inclination (I hoped) to sample the charms of the other men. I'd seen how some of the other Embassy personnel looked at her, not to mention the knights about court. In a place with that many randy rips about, I prefer to keep a wary eye on Elspeth. Keeps temptation to a minimum, since (truth be told) I've good reason to believe that she's no better than I. Oh, I've never caught her in flagrante delicto, but there have been occasions, like that time before I left for the Crimea (3) where it was a fairly close-run thing.

I turned to Dick Burton, who was watching our reunion with a smile, and his Isabel clinging to his arm. "Dick, I hate to be a bother, but could a bath, change of clothes and shave be arranged? I'm in no fit state to be seen, as I am." The clothes I was wearing were the same ones I'd had on at the Inn at the Crossroads, when I'd been captured, and they would have been rejected by the most abject beggar in London.

Reminded, Elspeth turned to snap orders at the servants. I was taken in hand very efficiently, and soon I was soaking in hot water up to my neck, washing away weeks of grime and sweat, while Elspeth applied herself to barbering me with utter aplomb. When we were together, she often shaved me; she was far gentler than any man, and it was a very pleasant feeling to lean back and let the woman I love keep my tart-catchers in the style she preferred. Once I was clean, shaven and dressed in new togs, I felt like a new man.

Elspeth and I wanted to set about each other, but there's no rest for the wicked. As soon as I was respectably togged-out and looking like an English gentleman instead of a ragged beggar, I was pounced on by one of the servants. "Terribly sorry, Ser Harry, but Ser Richard needs to see you in the main solar as soon as you're able to come."

I held Elspeth close, looking into those bonny blue eyes and wishing that we were in bed, getting caught up on things. "Terribly sorry, m'dear, but duty calls. You've been a trump all these weeks I've been gone, but we'll have some alone time soon." Very soon, if the look I saw in her eyes meant anything. With a kiss to Elspeth, I let the servant lead me away.

Sure enough, Dick Burton was in the main solar. With several large mullioned windows, it had an excellent view of much of Kings Landing and the Red Keep, and let in plenty of sunlight. Without gaslights, that was a definite advantage to it, and it had been taken over and turned into the embassy's main nerve centre. Dick was looking at a large map of Westeros that we'd tacked up on one wall, but turned to greet me with a warm smile when I came in.

"Harry! Now that we're alone," or as alone as we can be in this tower, was the unspoken corrolary…"I'd like to hear what happened to you. First we knew something was wrong was when your escorts came galloping in like the hounds of Hell were on their trails. They said something about the Stark woman kidnapping you along with the King's brother-in-law. What's your take on it?"

Knowing Dick, I knew he'd appreciate the truth. So, unusually for me, I told him everything that had happened, leaving out only the part about Gatehouse Amerei. A gentleman doesn't mention a lady's name, don't you know…and while Elspeth was not present, there was no guarantee that such tittle-tattle wouldn't reach her ears somehow or other. Least said, soonest mended, say I.

As I told my tale, Dick got angrier and angrier. By the time I was done, he was pacing up and down, smacking his fist into his open palm. He burst out, once I'd run down: "Damn their impudence! Damn them! Did they think they could just snatch a British envoy and get away with it clean? Not to mention, Lord Tyrion's only the King's uncle now! Did they think he was some nobody?" Since that was just what I had been thinking, I kept silence. When Dick Burton was angry, that was always a good policy anyway.

Dick smiled grimly. "Since you've gone, things have gone to sixes-and-sevens in Kings Landing. King Robert's dead, Ned Stark sits in prison and Joffrey sits the throne." I nodded; that sounded like what I had heard. "'Woe to thee, o land, whose King is a child!'" quoted Dick. I recognised the quotation as one of those Bible verses that Arnold had loved to spout, in and out of season.

I had to agree that the verse was apposite. Joffrey reminded me, uncomfortably, of the rotters who had reigned over Rugby(4) when I'd arrived as a trembling new bug. Give such a one a whole kingdom as his personal possession, and life would rapidly become interesting, in the sense of the traditional Chinese curse.

There were points I didn't understand, though, and I knew that Dick Burton would have had his ear to the ground. The man had a talent for finding things out that would've startled a Gilzai. "How did King Robert meet his end?" When I'd seen him last, Robert had been fat, to be sure, but seemingly strong and hearty. And by no means past amorous sport, from the way he'd undressed the women about court with his eyes.

An unworthy thought crawled through my mind: at least I wouldn't have to worry about Elspeth putting horns on my head with the king now! While Elspeth would almost certainly have come a-running had Robert crooked his finger at her (and I was well out of the way, to be sure), I knew that Elspeth had much the same opinion of Joffrey as I did. She'd been privy to the reports we'd had on the heir apparent, and they all told a tale of a spoilt, cruel, dangerous boy in thrall to his mama.

Dick gave me a quizzy look. "The King went out hunting, and a boar got him." That struck me as at least a little rum, and Dick clearly agreed. For all his faults, King Robert was an expert hunter; back in India, he'd have been considered top-of-the-line at pig-sticking. And I'd seen the man ride. I didn't think there was a horse in Westeros that could throw him. Dick caught my skeptical look. "Aye, there are rumours about just how it happened. The King was drinking. If there was something in the wine he wasn't expecting, he could have been well off his game. And the Queen was suspiciously well-prepared for widowhood. Very shortly after Robert breathed his last, Lord Stark was arrested, and most of his men were killed. His eldest daughter's currently being held in her apartments, and his youngest daughter's disappeared." He winked at me.

From the way he looked, I knew that Dick had some news he wasn't sharing just yet. "I take it you know more about the whereabouts of the younger Lady Stark than you're telling me?"

He nodded. "She's here, in the Embassy. We found her here just after we got news of her father's arrest. How she got in, we can't imagine, and she won't say a word about it. We didn't recognise her at first, since she was dressed more like a boy than a girl. When we finally managed to corner her…she's a wild little thing, and incredibly agile and fast…she announced her identity and asked for asylum." He grinned. "I will say that my own Isabel may have prompted her to ask. She took right to little Arya, although they couldn't be more different."

"Oh, wonderful," I muttered. I could see this situation going South, and in a hurry. "Does anybody outside our embassy know she's here? And do the Westerosi recognise our rights as an embassy to grant asylum?" Some nations, such as Persia, had no tradition of diplomatic immunity, and life at those embassies could get very interesting very quickly. I was very glad of our Marine guards, and the Gatlings and Sniders we'd stored away. From where we had them, we could deploy them almost instantly if we had to. HMS Penelope was still out in the harbour, and could almost certainly do unto the royal fleet what the Royal Navy had done unto the Chinese junks in the First Opium War, namely, reduce them to splinters. (5)

All of a sudden the safe harbour I thought I'd found didn't look so safe, after all. "How do our local British feel about this?"

"They're lying low; many of them have also taken refuge in the embassy for the moment. We sent official condolences to the royal family on the King's death, and congratulations to his successor. They don't seem to quite know what to do about us. Right at the moment, the whole situation's up in the air." He grinned at me. "And I must say, although you do seem to have had a sticky time of it, your little adventure may well turn out well for us! The Lannister party is going to be dominant at court for at least some time, and all our informants say that they don't forget friends or favours done them. Saving Lord Tyrion may well be repaid richly!"

Right at that moment, the repayment I wanted was a clear track back to London, with Elspeth beside me, but I knew better than to say any such thing. My reputation has been a boon to me many times, but it's also been a bane. I just shrugged and said: "Couldn't stand to see the plucky little fellow getting kicked around by that swine, and I purely can't abide unfair trials!" Dick beamed; this helped cement my stature as a true John Bull Briton in his eyes better than any amount of bragging could've done. The odd thing is, I was telling the truth, for once in my life.

Tyrion was a plucky fellow, and hadn't deserved what had been done to him any more than I. And unfair trials…if theyre in my favour, that's one thing, but trials rigged for the sole purpose of cancelling Flashy's birth certificate, particularly for things I didn't do, get right up my nose.

In the meantime… "What in the world are we to do with young Lady Stark? The authorities will find out where she is eventually!"

Dick looked very innocent. "We shall, of course, turn her over to her mother or elder brother. They have every right to ask this of us." Then he looked grim. "If anybody else asks for her and she doesn't want to go, she's under the protection of the British Crown and we'll defend her to the death!" He didn't know why I suddenly smiled reminiscently. I was remembering the Lady Yehonala, and how I had used nearly those exact words in Peking to stand off San-ko-lin-sen and his men.

I was in no mood to do favors for the Starks, after the way Catelyn Stark had mistreated me, but I could see clearly that I'd be overruled if I raised objections. And, like it or not, on the outs with the Lannisters or not, the Starks were a major power in the land, and we had to keep that always in mind. Political biznai was the lifeblood of any embassy, ours no less than any other. "If Lady Catelyn Stark comes to the embassy, I want to be there," I told Dick. "I want to see her face when she sees me, all safe and sound!"

Dick grinned and gave me a wink. Beelzebub might have winked that way at Lucifer. "We'll make sure of it, Harry!"

[1] Sonsee-Array was the third daughter of Mangas Colorado, a war chief of the Mimbreno Apaches. After being captured by the Mimbrenos, her gratitude for having been saved from scalp-hunters by Flashman led to them being married. See Flashman and the Redskins.

[2] Yehonala, known today by her Chinese name of Cixi, was a Manchu woman and the Yi Concubine of the Xianfeng (Hsien-Feng) Emperor. After his death, she rose rapidly to power, becoming the true ruler of China until her death in 1908. See Flashman and the Dragon.

[3] Just prior to his departure for the Crimean War, Flashman had thought to surprise his lady at a house party, and had come upon a scene where Lord Cardigan, his former commander and a man with whom he was on very bad terms, was advancing with clear lecherous intent on a nearly-naked Elspeth. Flashman was never sure whether this was voluntary on Elspeth's part or not (the situation was, at least, very ambiguous) and, as always, chose to give Elspeth the benefit of the doubt. See Flashman at the Charge.

[4] In Flashman's time, the boys in English "public schools" largely ruled themselves, and were often the victims of what moderns would term very severe bullying. In various parts of the Flashman Papers, Flashman mentions the boys under whom he suffered at Rugby, before their departure and his aging allowed him to step up and become the bully who haunts Tom Brown's Schooldays.

[5] Flashman is not exaggerating at all. At this time, Western arms were so superior to most other countries' that it was literally no real contest. For over a century (from the First Opium War to the eve of the Korean War) Western armies and navies could operate very much as they pleased in China, and the Chinese could do little to resist. The same situation applied in Africa, India and Central Asia, which was what made the colonial empires possible. The Japanese were the first "non-Western" people to adopt Western technology and weaponry sufficiently quickly to avoid being subjugated.