Not being autonomous, not being singular, that's what upset Nellie the most about living. She was a woman, and society said her purpose was to live for a man and for her children. Nature itself dictated her fate as a host for human parasites. And yet, when she was rejected from this station in life, yes, not the other way around, she was given a rare chance for individualism, to a certain extent. No husband, no children, and a home with finances of her own, few women had that. But her running the shop herself made the other women pity her, for even they thought her independence was a kind of failure. Nellie couldn't relish it either; her emotions wouldn't let go on the hopes of being a mother and a wife. That was the kicker – she could get what she wanted but she couldn't want it when she had it.
And thus she wasn't singular, she was a million pushes and pulls and wants in every direction, obsession to a dangerous degree, so much so that her morals and sensibilities were drowned out. Her father had taught her to be emotionally distanced from men, but she hungered for Sweeney with all her being. Her stillborns made her hate children, but she still stole one for her own.
If there was one thing she couldn't trust it was herself, for not even the Devil, for all his penchant for sin, could guess her true desires.
She hadn't meant to reveal the pregnancy to Sweeney, but she'd had to use it to save herself before she had the chance to abort it. And that was the last grain on the scale, her mind refused to deal with anything sensibly anymore. Wasn't she supposed to be the calm one? The one who kept Sweeney in check when he lost his cool? Now it was practically the other way around, and she was swiftly becoming the nutcase who had to be persuaded to behave.
And what it really came down to was that Nellie's emotions were so wound up she was re-evaluating herself every moment of the day. She knew well that it was an affect of the pregnancy, but the added stress of concealing cadavers from her daughter and the world was more than she could handle. Like stringing a line too short on a bow too long, she could withstand the tension only so much before snapping. More often Nellie went to bed angry and woke up disgruntled, did her work in a huff and had screamed at everyone before noon. But it wasn't until even Toby started avoiding her that Nellie finally saw how deep of a pit she'd dug herself into.
She spent a long night feeling broken and hopeless, for the sake of self-pity. Mara was curled up on the far end of her bed across the room, so with drawn from her mother even in sleep. There was something Nellie had to do… but her mind was too disobedient to even hint at the notion, and her head felt like it would sprain from the pressure of uncertainty. She was up and out the door, fumbling in the darkness before her consciousness could catch up. A match from her robe pocket lit a candelabrum in the sitting room, and from there she was up the stairs, wanting Sweeney like a lost child wanted its parents. Her knocks were loud and ominous in the silence.
Sweeney opened the door part way, one eye and half a face watching Nellie as she blinked at him in guilt and distress. Neither one reacted for a long moment, sharing a gaze that meant nothing to either of them. Nellie was dying for him to make the first acknowledgement, and when he didn't she put a hand over her face to hide her verge of tears. The very gesture betrayed her and Sweeney came out to take her hand.
"What it is, my dear Mrs. Lovett?" He had developed a strange sympathy towards her; her well-being affected the baby's, after all. Nellie was nearly disgusted by the fake sentiments, but she still fell for them at face value. She opened her mouth to speak but the words choked in her throat, surprising her almost as much as it did Sweeney. He held her closer. "Can't you sleep?"
"No… I can't anymore, I have such horrible dreams. Mara says it scares her, the way I cry out at night, though she barely talks to me now, the way I've been." Sweeney tried to hush her soothingly as he led her down the stairs. "I don't want you to think I've lost my nerve, Mr. Todd, but I can't help my emotions anymore, I don't know how long I can handle this…"
They both sat on the couch, and Sweeney surprised her by lying her down gently, until her head was on his lap. Nellie settled her legs on the couch and let her head tilt back before him.
"How trusting we are," he said, tracing a light finger down the bridge of her nose. "Such confidence is foolish."
"I'm not taunting you, I'm just resigning." She closed her eyes, and felt his finger following the deep lines under them. "Do your worst, I'd consider it a favor now."
"I know that's not what you want."
"You mean it's not what you want for the baby." Her eyes snapped open. "You've made my life a living hell, do you know that?" Nellie expected Sweeney's anger to flare up as it always did when she nagged at him, but he remained the picture of solemn contentment, not even bothering with a reply.
"Sleep now," he said, closing her eyelids.
They stayed like that for a long while, both waiting for sleep to come to Nellie. She turned over when her back tired, and Sweeney rubbed small circles between her shoulders with a tense, routine tenderness. Nellie supposed she preferred it that way, not risking the vulnerability of true sentiments. But an hour passed, and her consciousness hadn't even flirted with sleep. Sweeney had ceased comforting her, and finally gave up.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "I'm not going to stay up with you all night." Nellie turned her head and looked up at him with unfocused eyes.
"I can't help it, you know I can't…"
"You're obviously exhausted, so what plagues your mind? Am I to assume my Mrs. Lovett isn't as clever as she thinks she is? If your problem's the girl, she already knows."
Nellie's mind gasped, but no outward reaction came from her. Just silence.
Sweeney continued. "The poor thing figured it out herself; I found her snooping around wanting to see if it was true." He paused, sure that Nellie would react, but she remained oddly still. "I gave her what she wanted to know, and also the consequences if we were revealed. I dare say she only complied for your sake, more than her own. How you could raise such a noble child, I'll never know."
What had she done? It was over and final, before she could admit it'd begun. Only with great strength could she keep her mind from fading away right then and there.
"Foolish… she's a foolish thing, nothing more. All this time…?"
"Only since last week. But it's no wonder she didn't confront you herself; it's been like living with one of Hell's furies since the last full moon."
Her behavior sounded much worse when she heard it vocalized by him.
"Oh, well, I… Then how come you still comfort me?"
"I know reason to-"
"It's more me than my condition, and you knew this whole time about Mara-"
"I know it's mostly just you, but not everyone will forgive you, I'm sure, so you'd do well to restrain yourself from now on." Sweeney placed a large hand on her abdomen, where he only felt a slight difference in shape so far. "And we have more troubles ahead. I'm counting on you to solve your own problems, rather than raising an unholy fuss for weeks."
Nellie smacked his hand away.
"How dare you? I'm not raising a fuss; I'm just in my way. What help were you, anyhow? We're sharing the same problems, the ones you helped create!" Sweeney suddenly put two fingers over her lips, reminding her that innocence slept none too heavily. She continued in a hushed tone as soon as they were taken away. "This isn't the first time I've been with child, I know what to expect. Just… give me some time for things to settle."
"And I've had a pregnant wife before, you remember." His expression became grimmer, if that was possible. "I, too, know what there is to expect."
"Oh, from one going through?" Nellie gave a dry chuckle. "Two are never the same, Mr. Todd. And this one is… Well, it's already difficult."
"Why, it is painful? Are you losing the child?"
"No, I'm just not as young as I was my last time." She felt her face flush. And it hadn't been easier for me then, either. "I'm the one who'll come out the worst when this is through, if at all."
"Well, for every man I dispose of, there are a few less women sharing your plight." Talk of his work lightened Sweeney's mood, and he began caressing her copper hair, the candlelight giving it an almost golden hue.
"You think so, huh? If one man is kept from doing the deed, one will take his place soon enough."
Nellie couldn't recall the rest of their chat, and soon found herself waking up to daylight. She was alone on the couch, but Sweeney had covered her with blankets before leaving her. No part of Nellie desired to get up and face life – she didn't even have the energy to see if the shop was being tended – so she lay an arm over her eyes and made her own night.
Floorboards creaked, and the scuffing of shoes was here and gone again several times. If any belonged to someone checking on Nellie, she couldn't tell. Not until she felt a body near her did she decide to look out. It was Mara, as she expected, and the girl startled when she saw her mother's eyes open.
"Oh, um, I was just seeing if you're alright…"
"I'm just trying to sleep," said Nellie, suddenly recognizing the sharpness to her tone. Bitterness seemed to excrete from her mouth naturally, like saliva. She tried again. "It's sweet you're checking on me, though."
"But, you've been asleep all afternoon." Mara's eyebrows were tense and her frown fearful, as though she wasn't sure her mother's sentiments were just the better to love you with, my dear. "I know you've been hiding things, and I know why, but you shouldn't."
Nellie frowned.
"I know, I've been a terrible mother, getting you into this mess…" Even though it was out now, she couldn't mention their business around the girl.
"You need to let me help now, alright? Can you let me do that?" Mara's hands were warm as they clasped Nellie's tightly. "Mr. Todd's told me everything, and about the baby. How you managed to get yourself into so much trouble I'll never know." Mara's solemn face made her seem like the scolding mother now. "I can't set things right, but I can try to keep you from stressing yourself to death."
"Hm, that's kind of you," said Nellie through an unintended yawn.
"Mother!"
"Alright, here, take it," Nellie hissed and yanked the bake house key off its chain. "It's your soul, not mine." Mara grabbed the key and held it stiffly.
"You need to eat. I'll have Toby bring something in for you."
"Hm." Nellie turned her nose up at the girl. Now she had no daughter, just another accomplice to manipulate her and to be manipulated in return, another to share the guilt and take the blame when the sowing led to reaping, another spot reserved in Hell. And the last thing this building needed was one more bitter, nagging woman.
Mara sighed at her mother's false airs and fled the room.
Nellie still felt everyone's withdrawn tension the next day, but she had a bit more focus, even if the customers were always twice as annoying as she'd remembered them.
"Well, if it isn't Mrs. Lovett! We missed you yesterday."
"Hello, boys." Nellie put on as sincere a smile as she could muster. "Toby, hurry with their ale, dear."
"Yes, ma'm." He didn't even glance at her.
"Oh, come now, dear, don't look so glum." She gave him a smile and a pat on the shoulder, paying him some attention for the first time in a while. It perked him up somewhat, but Nellie was distracted again before she could offer another kind word.
"Is that you, Mrs. Lovett? It's certainly been a while, but I had to come see about these pies."
Nellie was disturbed by how friendly the stranger who spoke to her was, but part of her realized something was familiar –it was that girl, the midwife who delivered Mara, a woman now and suddenly in her shop looking pleased to see her. Nellie was less enthusiastic.
"Oh, God!" She hurried outside and started demanding pay from those sitting at the tables.
"We haven't even gotten out pies yet!"
"No matter, pay up front." When Nellie turned around the woman was still waiting for her.
"Um, Mrs. Lovett? I'm Lisette Smith, the one who-"
"I know who you are," Nellie hissed, trying to keep their interaction at a distance from the customers. "Toby! There are tables waiting outside, go see what they need." Lisette smirked at her as Nellie snapped out orders.
"You certainly do a lot of business, Mrs. Lovett. I hope you slow down a bit as the baby comes along-"
"What!" Nellie barely kept herself from shouting.
"I talked to your girl, she told me, said you hadn't seen a midwife yet."
Nellie's eyes searched the shop until she spotted Mara, who waved at her as she was bringing fresh pies out. Nellie gave her a gesture to let her know her days were numbered. Lisette continued without noticing. "It does my heart good knowing you kept her-"
"What did you tell her?" Nellie snapped, but the woman seemed to lack the ability to detect outrage.
"She told me you've been ill."
"So? You're not a physician. Mara, get those pies outside, don't just look at them!"
"Mrs. Lovett, let me examine you, I can come back this evening-"
"I already got their pay," Nellie shouted, trying to ignore Lisette, "have Toby bring the drinks. Just use the mugs from the other table." But she suddenly found she couldn't be distracted enough, and when she turned back around Lisette was still waiting patiently. "And what would you be able to do if something was wrong? I've never known a midwife yet who's been able to save my babes."
"No, but if it's you who needs saving, it's possible I could help," Lisette said. It made Nellie pause. Should she try to save herself? Was there a point?
"Well… I guess it couldn't hurt." What was the point of running the shop if she wasn't going to be around to enjoy the profit? But she still wasn't happy about the situation, and she ducked Mara into the backroom as soon as Lisette was served outside.
"What are you doing, telling everyone you please about my condition?"
Mara wormed out of Nellie's grip on her arm.
"You need to take care of yourself, mum, regardless of who finds out."
"That's my business, girl, not yours!" She smacked Mara across the face, causing her daughter to gasp in pain and outrage. "Know your place! I make the decisions here, not you!"
"Mother!" Mara screamed back. "What's gotten into you?"
"If you're going to harbor our secrets, you have to keep your mouth shut." Nellie found enough sense to lower her tone. "If you can't I'll have your tongue cut out and sell you to the whorehouse, do you understand me?"
Mara looked ready to shake her head, her face hardening up against tears.
"How can you say such things? I'm not going to put us in danger, but you're not well, and I'm just trying to help. Can't you see what you're doing?"
Nellie couldn't, and at this point she didn't have the will to. But there was no denying how awful she was being for little reason. For possibly the first time in her life she considered a sincere apology but, so late in the game, she didn't know how. "Well… I'm going to let her examine me. Will that make you happy?"
"Yes," said Mara, looking anything but happy. She left to serve the pies without being told.
That evening was the turning point she decided, and Nellie felt the uncertainty weighing down the air as she waited alone in her chamber. The others were out in the sitting room, none having the courage to keep her company. She was glad; these were decisions she had to make alone. And yet, what if nothing changed, could she handle it? She was neither brave nor cowardly enough for deliberate suicide, but she could play with it in her mind, reveling in the drama like a tragedian who dies, slow and tragic, and gets up again for curtain call. Cheap dramatics for an idle mind.
Leaving the others to fend for themselves, that was one solution, but the other took more risk and less finality. This could be her chance to abort the child, and then she could buy herself some time to escape before Sweeney found out. The question was where she could go, but it didn't matter if she could ensure her safety and Mara's… and Toby's, too.
Mara went back to her sewing after leading Lisette to Nellie's chamber, trying to keep her anxiety at bay by finishing the letting out of her mother's dress. It still fit but wouldn't for very long, and she might as well make the smaller adjustments before they had to pay a tailor. Toby sat on the floor by her, scrubbing fossilized grit off of the pans. Both worked quietly for a while as they tried to overhear any talk that might travel down the hall.
"Will mum be alright?" Toby finally asked in a small voice.
"Well, I really don't know, Toby."
"Is the baby what's made her so upset? I've tried to be as nice as I can, but it's like she's bewitched."
"That's not a nice thing to say," said Mara. "She's not possessed or other such nonsense, she's just overworked. She'll be okay once she gets a hold of herself."
"Hm." Toby thought it over. "But… what if it's because of Mr. Todd?"
Mara's pin missed the fabric.
"What?"
"I mean, you said he helped make the baby. I don't know much about what men and women do, but I've seen it on the streets, and it didn't look very nice for the lady." His young face was serious.
"Toby, what ruffians do on the streets isn't what couples do in their homes." Atleast, she didn't think it was.
"But, isn't it only right for married folks?"
Mara sighed. "That doesn't mean Mr. Todd attacked her. If she didn't want to be around him she wouldn't. You know how she is." She was glad Toby didn't question her again, because a moment later Sweeney came down from his room, stopping halfway on the stairs. He didn't speak, but he was watching the corridor when Nellie came out, and she looked frightened and somewhat dazed. All eyes were on her as she entered the parlor, but she just sat on the couch without saying a word.
"Well, things look okay so far," Lisette said cheerfully, interrupting the tension as she made to leave. "Okay as they can be, anyway. Just keep her well rested and fed, and make sure she doesn't work herself so hard or I'll have to put her on bed rest, alright?"
"Alright." Sweeney surprised them all by answering.
The midwife got what she came for, a handsome payment, so she didn't stay for tea. Still, her verdict seemed to have been okay enough, and Mara and Toby breathed a little easier. But what no one could figure was why Nellie continued to look so forlorn, as though she was disappointed in herself. She leaned her head back on the couch until she got a wrong-side-up view of Sweeney.
"If you were a kind man…" She meant to continue with, 'you'd have killed me by now,' but thought better of it. Sweeney took the half statement as a musing.
"Ah," he replied, "the great 'If.'"
Nellie had kept the baby against her judgment, for she couldn't bring herself to do otherwise. Still, the situation seemed to be settled, and Nellie fooled herself into thinking her daily life as it was might continue indefinitely. Sweeney and her were business partners; him the supplier, Nellie the outlet, and his homicidal desires were as a well that never dried up, which suited her just fine. After all, the motives were in a dead lock- his Johanna was gone, locked up who knows where, the Judge had vowed never to return, and Sweeney was blind to the family that he knew but not well enough.
Nellie nearly smirked when Mara passed through the parlor and he took no special notice; when the beggar woman went through the ashcans in their alley and Sweeney gazed off intently in another direction. Yes, the truth was on her tongue, but he could have seen it for himself if he wasn't so consumed by his own wrongs. Like a toy wound up, the rhythms were continuous and without foreseeable end, but such gears in motion run out of momentum eventually.
