A/N: Just a little one-shot that popped in my head one night. Hope you like it!
Remus stormed up the stairs leading to the Gryffindor boys' dorm; he had to find Sirius.
He was livid. Livid. How could Sirius betray him like that? All for a joke? He sold him out to Snape of all people! Remus was ready to punch him.
He stopped in front of the door, trying to collect himself before he burst in the room. It took a few deep breaths, but finally he was calm enough to go in.
Sirius was sitting on his bed, looking decidedly guilty. His head was in his and hands and he was mumbling incoherent words to himself. He looked up- startled- and gave Remus a worried look.
"Moony-" he began, but Remus held up and hand.
"Sirius," he said. "I really don't even want to here it."
Sirius looked up at him, confused. "Then why'd you come up here?"
Remus paused. He had intentions of coming up here and yelling at Sirius until he was hoarse, to start a fight, but who was he kidding? He was Remus Lupin. He'd never hit anybody in his entire life.
Sirius seemed to get the point when he saw the look in Remus' eyes. "Moony, I'm so sorry. You have no idea... I've never felt worse in my entire life."
"Good," Remus shot back. "You should feel like shit, Sirius! Do have any idea what you've done?"
Sirius had a pained expression on his face. "Remus, you have to understand- I didn't mean it as a joke! I was trying to defend you! I-"
"Sirius! Shut up! I don't want to here your sorry excuses!" Remus shouted, enjoying the fact that Sirius looked so hurt and guilty. He should. He deserved this.
"Moony, please! Seriously, I didn't mean so much harm by it! I wanted to teach Snape a lesson-"
"I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM!" Remus thundered. "Is that what you want, Sirius? Snape to die because you don't like him? Do you know what they do to werewolves who kill kids, Sirius? I'll tell you right now they don't go to Azkaban!"
Sirius' mouth was open. He hadn't thought that far ahead... I really hadn't meant for Snape to get hurt at all...
"The ministry could've killed me for murdering him, Sirius! They don't just let werewolves run around free! Don't you realize what could've happened? Huh?" Remus was pacing the length of the room, hating Sirius and hating lycanthropy.
"Remus, me and Snape have known each other since we were kids! My parents-"
"Don't you dare try and tell me you did this to rebel against your parents!" Remus seethed, seeing Sirius flinch. "To try and prove something to them or something-"
"No, Remus, that's not it!" Sirius defended himself. Remus stopped in front of him.
"Then what is it then, Sirius? What in the hell would make you sell me out like that?" Remus said, his voice still dangerously loud.
"I'd have to tell you my entire life story to do that..." Sirius said.
Remus glared at him. "Do it, then," he commanded.
Sirius looked at him, startled. "What?"
"Do it, then."
Sirius was wide-eyed. He'd never told anybody about his home life. Ever. It was one of his best kept secrets... but he definitely owed Remus an explanation at the very least...
"I didn't do this for my parents..." Sirius defended, refusing to begin anything until he had gotten this point across. "They hate me too much to even care at this point-"
Remus sat down expectantly, not really caring what Sirius had to say and not particularly willing to listen either.
"Sirius, I don't care," Remus said. "Your parents have always hated you, it's no secret..."
"But they haven't always hated me, you know!" Sirius said venomously. If Remus didn't know better it would sound like he was defending his family. "There was a time when they loved me! I remember those times better than anything." The last sentence came out mumbled, as if he didn't want to admit it. Remus just raised his eyebrows impatiently, fury in his eyes, but also... curiosity.
"Did you know my mum can sing?" Sirius asked sharply. Remus couldn't helped but look a little surprised. "Yeah. She use to sing me and Reg to sleep when we were like- four or something."
Sirius almost scowled at the memory but managed to keep his face carefully neutral, blinking back tears. This was way too much... revealing painful memories and having his friends hating him...
"My dad was pretty much the same way. After he came home from work he'd come and play Quidditch with us no matter how tired he was."
Sirius got an almost-smile look, but he fixed it back into his impassive expression.
"What happened?" Remus asked before he could stop himself, reluctant curiosity getting the better of him.
"Voldemort started in the underground," Sirius sighed. "Only select few people knew he was gathering followers and my parents thought he had the right idea. So did I at first, but I was nine and naive. Then one day, my neighbor got killed because she was a muggle-born. They were one of the first to go. I saw her parents being carried out by medi-wizards, and I saw her-" Sirius' voice broke and he left his sentence unfinished. "And I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to be apart of this."
Remus saw Sirius' eyes turn cold as he tried to feel hate for his family, but he didn't feel anything but guilt. Because of him his father was dying and his mum was going mad. Because of him his family was divided and betraying each other...
"Sirius, it's not your fault..." Remus muttered, reading the sorrowful look in Sirius' eyes. Sirius always got the best of him...
"No, Remus, you don't understand! We all got along until that day my neighbors were killed, right?"
Remus didn't know for sure, but he nodded anyway.
"Well, slowly I started to voice my- er- opinions against everything my parents said when it came to Voldemort. My cousin, Andromeda, and her family started to see it my way and actually listened to me when I'd ramble on about peace and whatnot. Some of my family- not many, but some- decided that we had the right idea. Thus, dividing our family in half."
Sirius paused, taking a deep breath and trying to gather his thoughts. Finally getting himself together, Sirius continued in a much quieter voice.
"The next year my parents started to favor Reg over me- which really makes me sound like a spoiled brat when I say that but it's true. I wasn't allowed to speak to Reg about anything for fear of 'brainwashing' him and my parents forced Bella on me, thinking that she'd persuade me to change my views or something... and then I came here."
Remus frowned and Sirius got a guilty look on his face again. They both remembered the day like it was yesterday. Remus had found James and Sirius in an empty compartment, James chattering away and Sirius still looking a bit shy. They had met Peter only a few hours later, and the four of them has become fast friends before they even stepped off the Hogwarts express.
James had been fascinated with the fact that Sirius was a Black. His parents had warned him that the Blacks were a dodgy bunch, but even them Sirius has assured the boys he wanted nothing to do with his family. When they asked why, Sirius had simply shrugged and casually changed the subject, refusing to say anything more on the matter.
Now Remus knew why. But this wasn't about Sirius, Remus remembered. This was about him.
"Sirius," Remus said, standing up and beginning to pace again. "This isn't about you! For once in my life, I want to talk about me!"
Sirius flinched. Remus never yelled. And now that he was, Sirius was willing to do anything in his power to make him stop. Anything.
"Sirius, you hurt me! I've always trusted you- always! With everything! Am I just an amusement to you? Huh?"
Sirius felt tears prick his eyes for the billionth time that day. "Remus," he choked out, trying desperately to regain some kind of composure, "there is no excuse for what I did. None. I'm sorry! I-"
"Sirius, I already told you I don't want to hear it! I'm not going to sit here and listen to your excuses!"
"Remus, I need you to listen to me. Please," Sirius begged, "you need to hear this."
Remus hated the fact that he could be brought down like this, especially by Sirius.
"Fine," he grumbled, sitting back down.
"Ok," Sirius said in a rush. "We're flashing forward now. Saving time. I got sorted into Gryffindor, not a good place to be in my family. That was the final straw for them. That's when I became the 'blood-traitor' and a 'disgrace', whatever and Reg was the 'golden child' who could do no wrong. Well, by summer of sixth year I'd had enough. So I went to James'. His parents were actually really great about it. In fact, they kind of adopted me... but you know all that."
Remus- as angry as he was- was listening very intently to Sirius' story. Not even James knew the whole of why Sirius hated his family so much...
"Well, Sniv- I mean- Snape- whatever- he was always around when I was growing up. His mum knew mine so we were pretty much forced to hang around each other, and even before I 'rebelled' or whatever we hated one another. My parents always liked him, but they didn't know he was a half-blood. I found out one day and consistently teased him about it- not because I cared, but because it bothered him so much. Besides, he constantly went on about how I was... nothing... to my parents anymore."
Sirius detected the note of bitterness in Sirius' voice and could kind of see where this was going.
"Well," Sirius continued, "We obviously still don't get along. He being a half-blood is still a sore subject, as is me being disowned. So yesterday he came up to me and we started in on the usual... you know, 'half-blood' 'orphan' stuff, but then he started in on you. He was going to follow you and see where you went every month. 'Lupin's got a secret and I want to know what it is,' he said.
"Moony, I was pissed- bluffing- when I said 'Just prod that knob at the base of the Willow and follow the tunnel, that'll teach you-"
Sirius was cut off by Remus picking him up by the collar and shoving him against a wall with strength he didn't normally use, his eyes bright with anger.
Remus was breathing hard, his hair falling into his face as he looked into Sirius'. "Poor Sirius," said scathingly. "Selling out his best friend because he got teased."
Sirius winced, both at the truth in the statement and his throbbing head which had hit the wall rather hard.
"Sirius, you're not telling me your life story because you want me to understand... you want pity. You want me to feel sorry for you. One secret for another, right?"
Sirius didn't say anything. Remus knew him too well. His eyes were nearly brimming with tears that he absolutely refused to let fall.
"Sirius, as much as you try to deny it- you're still a Black! And you know, I usually forget that- except for times like these." Remus shoved Sirius' shoulders against the wall once more before letting go of him and pacing the length of the room. "Then you truly show your true colors. A flesh-and-blood member of the Black legacy-"
It was Sirius' turn to pin Remus to a wall.
Both boys' expression showed anger- even hatred- as they looked at one another.
"What I did has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a Black," Sirius growled. "Nothing. I hate them! All of them! I did this because I was angry and-"
"Some excuse," Remus sneered. As they glared at each other, Sirius was suddenly aware of how easily this could become a physical confrontation. Remus's fists were clenched at his sides and his brows were furrowed in what looked like... restraint.
"Are you going to hit me Remus?" Sirius asked quietly, looking directly into Remus' eyes.
I want to, Remus thought. "No Sirius," he said instead. "That's something you would do."
Sirius didn't know why this statement stung him so much, but he let go of Remus and backed off.
Remus glared at him, but Sirius looked defeated. He was done with this. The fighting, the excuses, all of it. He couldn't be angry at Remus, he didn't have any right to...
Sirius sat down on a bed, putting his face in his hands, making Remus stare. "I'm an idiot," he mumbled. "And I completely deserve anything and everything you do to me. I'm so sorry, Remus. I know it's not enough and I know that I'm forever in your dept, but-" Sirius stopped, not being able to find the right words...
He just sighed, not able to look at Remus. "Please forgive me, Moony."
Sirius was looking somewhere to his left, a traitor tear falling down his cheek, which he impatiently brushed away.
Remus didn't want to forgive him. He couldn't. But he couldn't just leave Sirius like that either. He looked... broken.
"I hate you right now, Sirius," Remus said, his voice devoid of any readable emotion.
"I know."
"You betrayed me."
"I know."
"Things might not be the same again."
"I know."
Sirius was still looking to his left, not wanting to face Remus. Remus paused for moment, considering the man in front of him.
"Alright," he said at last.
Sirius finally looked at him, startled at the abrupt change. "What?"
"I said, alright," Remus said, unsmiling and completely serious. "You ever betray us again and I'll kill you."
Sirius searched for a joking twinkle in Remus' eyes and couldn't find one. Sirius nodded.
"I know."
Remus held out a hand to Sirius and he grasped it as Remus pulled him from the bed.
"Come on," he said to Sirius, leading him down the stairs to the common room. "You have a lot of explaining to do."
Sirius nodded mutely in agreement, paling at the thought of what James might do to him, but if Remus could find a way to forgive him, then they would too. It was just a matter of time.
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Lady Potter
