Chapter Eighteen

Friday, August 6, 1976

Ennis yawned so hard he thought his face would crack into two pieces. He took another drink of coffee as his thoughts returned to Jack. He'd felt sick and uneasy having to leave to pick up Junior and Franny while Jack was still in Texas. If Jack's flight was late or something and he didn't make it back to pick Bobby up from L.D. and Faye, he was going to feel even worse. Not that L.D. would leave Bobby with me anyway, so might as well stop worryin' about it, he concluded, yawning again.

His thoughts drifted aimlessly before settling in to gnaw at him about James. My father. My real father. Ennis couldn't wrap his mind around it. Why'd he leave me? Why didn't he come and find me? He hadn't had time to think about what it all meant and he wasn't sure he had the energy to do it now. Thoughts of James led his mind to thoughts of Tyler. He knew my dad. Knew him for a long time. I c'n tell they were close. Tyler was like a touchstone to something he couldn't ever get back–couldn't ever have. Ain't fair he got t'know 'im an' I never did. He couldn't blame Tyler, though, not his fault. He's like me, though, maybe the reason James liked 'im so much. Maybe why I like 'im so much, he thought, then pushed it away hastily, followed by, I ain't gay, no matter what anyone says. Just 'cause I love Jack don't make me gay. Does it? His attraction to Tyler, on all levels, was pummeled down and hidden. I can't deal with that right now, either. Turnin' inta fuckin' Scarlett O'Hara. Won't think about it now, I'll think about it tomorrow. Why he remembered that, he had no idea. He had felt sorry for Scarlett, though, pining all those years for Ashley Wilkes when she could've had a real life with Rhett Butler. He shook his head, wonderin' why the hell he was analyzing 'Gone With the Wind'. His watch said 3:19 when he pulled into the parking lot of a small motel in Riverton. He intended to grab a few hours sleep before picking up the girls.


"Congratulations, Alma, Monroe," Ennis said.

"Thanks, Ennis. Here girls, let me help you with your bags," Monroe said, following them out to the truck.

"Thanks again, Alma, for letting me take them for an extra week."

"Yer welcome."

"I'll bring 'em back on the twenty-first. I hope you an' Monroe have a good time."

She smiled shyly, "I'm sure we will."

"I know I already told ya, Alma, but I really want ya t'be happy."

"I know. Ennis," she looked into his eyes, "I want you t'be happy, too. The girls told me they had a real good time in June an' they said you seemed real happy."

"Thanks, Alma, that means a lot t'me." He wiped at his eyes, dismissing their dampness as dust motes floating in the air, and strode out the door, "Come on, girls, let's get on the road."

"Not without a hug fer yer momma," Alma said from behind him. The girls went back for hugs and Ennis noticed that Junior was almost as big as her momma. His little girl was growing up. More damn dust motes.


Sunday afternoon Ennis pulled in the driveway and stopped in front of the garage. He could see Jack on Pepper, the horse he usually rode for farm work, and he didn't look happy. Jack rode over to the truck and tied Pepper to the porch rail, then put on a smile.

"Hi, girls, how was the trip?"

"Long," Franny replied, hopping out of the truck and running around it to throw her arms around Jack. "Where's Bobby?"

Jack hugged her back, before replying, "Well, Bobby's in a bit of trouble, so he's up in his room. You can go say hi, if ya want, though. Hi, Junior."

Junior had hung back, but replied to Jack, "Hi."

"Honey, why don't ya take yer bags in and find a snack for you girls. I know yer prob'ly hungry. I wanna talk t'Jack fer a minute."

Junior wasn't even in the house before they moved towards the garage. Once inside, Ennis pulled Jack into his arms and kissed him, long and sweet. Foreheads together, breathing hard, a whispered I missed you was exchanged.

"What's goin' on?"

"Bobby left the gate t'the paddock open an' a couple of the mares escaped. Tyler already went t'look fer 'em and that's where I was headed, but . . ."

"You were waitin' fer me?"

Jack leaned in and kissed him again, "I haven't seen ya in four days. O'course I was waitin' fer ya. I missed you." He leaned in for another long kiss.

"Let me get the girls settled and I'll saddle up."

"Ennis, you don't have to. You been on the road fer three days. Ya oughta just rest."

"I'm fine, Jack. What about the kids, though?"

"Kelly's here. I called her when I called Tyler t'come over an' help. Wasn't sure when you were gonna get here."

A few minutes later, he and Jack separated at the woods after Jack pointed out where Tyler had gone in. Ennis picked his way through the trees and brush carefully. There was an ominous stillness in the air that he didn't like and the light had a dull murkiness to it. He didn't realize how much time had gone by, when the light suddenly faded to shadow and the sky opened up. The downpour shocked him and Jojo and he turned to go back to the farm, cursing the rain and the mares, but not going so far as to curse Bobby, who was, after all, just a kid.

Jojo spooked at something and took off and by the time he got him under control, he realized he'd gotten turned around. He plodded on and was surprised to see a building rise up in front of his eyes. Through the downpour, he could see that it was a small, ramshackle cabin. In his current state, however, it looked like a castle. He tied Jojo to a tree where he was relatively protected from the rain and went inside. There were a couple of old wooden chairs, a table, and a couple of cot frames with rotting canvas on them. The small window didn't have any glass in it, but the wind wasn't blowing the rain in it, so he sat close to it, intending to keep an eye out for the horses.

In spite of the coldness seeping into his muscles, he must have dozed off in his chair. He thought his eyes were closed for only a moment, but when they opened, Tyler was sitting next to him on the other chair.

Ennis cleared his throat and Tyler looked over at him. "Hey. Guess we had the same idea for getting out of the rain."

"Yeah. I didn't know this was here." He looked away sheepishly. "Guess I was more tired from the trip than I thought."

Tyler shrugged, needing no explanation. "This is an old hunting cabin. No one uses it anymore, but it's a good place to shelter from the rain."

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for a while, listening to the rain.

"How're things at home? With yer dad, I mean?"

Tyler looked down at his hands, "All right, I guess. We kinda just leave each other alone."

Ennis hesitated before asking, "Tyler, how well did you know my uncle . . . my dad, I guess."

"Pretty good, I suppose. I've worked here a few years and he was always good to me. Understood about my family and stuff. He was a good listener."

Ennis chuckled. "You talk enough fer him t'listen good? We cain't hardly get two words outta ya."

Tyler flushed, "Yeah, well, I talk when I want to." A smile lurked around his mouth as he glanced at Ennis.

Ennis turned serious again. "Tyler, d'you know why he never tried t'contact me? I mean, I knew him when I was a little kid, but my parents died when I was twelve. Seems t'me he coulda found me then, brought me here."

"Ennis, I'm so sorry. I don't know why he never contacted you. I think he wanted to, I really do. I think he felt a lot of guilt and shame and it stopped him from taking the steps he needed to."

"Sounds familiar," Ennis said softly.

They were lost in their own thoughts for some time. Tyler broke it, asking, "Has Kelly offered to read your palm yet?"

"What? What're you talkin' about?"

"Kelly went through this palm reading stage, not that long ago. I thought maybe she'd offered to read yours and Jacks."

Ennis chuckled. "No, she hasn't."

"She probably didn't want you to think she was weird."

"It's probably good she didn't offer. I prob'ly would've thought it was weird if I didn't know her very well. Has she read yours?"

"Of course," he smiled.

"What'd she say?"

"She said I have a weird line on my hand. Or rather, I have one line where I should have two–a head line and a heart line. A simian line, she called it. Let me see your hand."

"What does that mean?" Ennis asked, holding out his hand.

"See, you have two lines that start on opposite sides and curve away from each other." Tyler traced the lines on Ennis's hand, then held out his left hand and pointed to a strong line that ran across his entire palm. "I only have one. According to Kelly, it means that I can't separate my head from my heart." Ennis traced the line with his finger as Tyler added softly, "I could've told her that."

Ennis looked up into Tyler's eyes for a heartbeat, then they both looked away. "Silly mumbo-jumbo." Ennis said.

"Yeah."

Ennis realized he was still holding Tyler's hand and looked back at him, the humor gone. Ennis raised his other hand and brought it to Tyler's cheek, resting it there before running his thumb across his lips, soft as a kiss. Tyler's eyes closed and his hand tightened on Ennis's.

Ennis felt like he was swimming in a dream-world. He could see his hand on Tyler's cheek, but couldn't comprehend what it meant. He could feel a fluttering of desire deep in his abdomen, but it felt foreign and strange, different and yet similar to what he felt with Jack. He licked his lips and watched as Tyler mimicked the gesture, opening his eyes and meeting Ennis's, his desire naked in the nighttime of his eyes. They stood up together, their bodies almost touching, still joined by their clasped hand and Ennis's hand on Tyler's cheek. He moved his thumb again over Tyler's lips and this time Tyler kissed it as it moved over them. Ennis closed his eyes, afraid to move. He was sure Tyler must hear his heart, slamming against his chest, threatening to bust out. He licked his lips again, wanting to lean forward and touch, with his lips, where his thumb had been. His head was swimming in confusion and desire.

Tyler swallowed hard and they moved together at the same instant. Their bodies didn't touch, but their lips tasted forbidden fruit. Tyler's lips parted and he probed forward with his tongue, tracing Ennis's lips. Ennis opened his mouth and tasted Tyler's tongue as it feathered in. He tasted like sweet, dark water and Ennis wanted more. His tongue explored Tyler's mouth, slow and deliberately.

Tyler's hand came up and grasped Ennis's bicep. Ennis wasn't sure if he meant to pull him forward or push him away, but in that instant, one of the horses whinnied outside and the combined motion and noise worked to bring Ennis out of his stupor. He stepped back quickly, bringing his hands up in front of him.

"Tyler, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize."

"We should go. The rain is letting up." Ennis thought he may very well be having a heart attack.

"Yeah."

Tyler knew his way back to the farm, so Ennis followed him, huddled in his jacket. He was chilled and couldn't get warm. Misery seeped over him in a blanket of shame. The guilt for betraying Jack was almost killing him and what little dignity he had left was eaten away by the inner realization that no matter what he said, he was gay. He couldn't hide it from himself anymore. Why else would he desire not only Jack, but another man. And both had understood and reacted to his desire. His thoughts circled around–he was ashamed for being ashamed of being gay. By the time they reached the farm, he was shivering, lightheaded, and confused.

Tyler knew something was wrong when he stumbled in dismounting from Jojo. "Ennis, are you all right?"

"Yeah, 'm fine. Jus' can't get warm."

"Why don't you go in? I'll take care of Jojo."

Ennis started to argue, but his lips were chattering so hard he could barely get the words out.

"Go ahead, it won't take me but a few minutes to take care of both horses." Tyler pushed him gently towards the door. "Please, Ennis."

Ennis moved toward the door and didn't look back. Inside the house, he took off his boots and jacket. Jack met him at the kitchen door. "Hey, bud, I was startin' t'get worried."

"Got caught in the rain. Had to take shelter. Can't get warm."

"Ya musta caught a chill. Go take a warm shower. We was jus' settin' the table fer supper."

"You guys go ahead an' eat. I'll have somethin' when I'm done in the shower."

"You sure?" Jack asked, a frown crossing his face.

"O' course. I'm sure the kids're hungry."

Jack leaned in and kissed his cheek. "All right, cowboy. Let me know if ya need anything."

Ennis looked down, his cheek burning where Jack had kissed it. It was the only warm spot on his body.

He stripped and stepped under the warm spray of the shower. It wasn't warm enough, so he turned the hot water on all the way. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the shower wall. Ennis didn't know when the tears started, but his throat closed as the sobs escaped. When the water turned cooler and he started shivering again, he turned it off and dried off, still chilled, and decided to crawl into bed, pulling an extra blanket on himself. He was vaguely aware of Jack getting in bed with him a few hours later, finally warming up when Jack curled around him. Towards morning, he woke up, drenched in sweat, the blankets constricting him. He kicked them off and his eyes fluttered closed again.


Jack went downstairs early the next morning. He hadn't slept well. Ennis had tossed and turned most of the night, finally settling down a couple of hours ago. Unfortunately, he couldn't get back to sleep.

Tyler was seated at the table, a cup of coffee in front of him.

Jack smiled, "I thought I smelled coffee." He poured himself a cup and sat down with Tyler.

"Jack, I . . . I came to tell you that I need to quit. I think I need to look for another job."

"What are you talking about Tyler?"

"I just feel like I need to move on."

"Is something wrong? Did something happen?"

Tyler couldn't bring himself to tell Jack about what had happened. He was being a coward and he knew it, but still couldn't choke the words out.

"Well, could you at least give us a few days? Maybe think about it? In the first place, Ennis is sick. He caught a chill or something yesterday and I don't think he's gonna be much use fer a few days. And 'sides, we cain't hardly get along without ya. Not only that, but we really need someone, someone experienced, fer the next coupla weeks while Junior and Franny are here. Ennis'll wanna spend as much time as possible with them."

"Okay, I guess I can stay for a while," Tyler agreed.

Jack's eyes narrowed, an inkling of comprehension niggling into his brain. He stood and picked up his cup. "I'm gonna go check on Ennis. I don't know when I'll be out t'day, but I trust you t'take care of everything, Tyler."

Tyler nodded, not meeting his eyes. He took his cup to the sink and went out the door. Jack scrubbed his free hand down his face. "Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit."

"Why don't you two walk down and get the mail for your daddy?" Kelly asked Franny and Bobby, who had been under her feet all day. She'd reminded them several times to be quiet while Ennis slept. They were good for a while, but inevitably, they started giggling or arguing or wrestling and the peace was once again disturbed.

"So, what'd'ya do with yer grandparents?" Franny asked.

"Went to the zoo an' the park an' ate out a lot. My grandpa kept askin' me questions 'bout our daddies. I wanted t'tell 'im t'shut up."

Franny giggled, "I hope you didn't. Doesn't sound like he'd take it real well."

"He'da tanned my hide if'n I said somethin' like that!" Bobby exclaimed. "He kept askin' me if'n I didn't wanna come an' live with him an' my gramma. Down in Texas."

"Do ya wanna?"

"No way! I wanna stay here with my daddy. I ain't never gonna see my mom again, so I gotta stay with my daddy."

"I wish I could stay here, too."

"Why? Your momma ain't dead." Bobby opened the mailbox and pulled out the mail.

"I know, but I love it here. There's so much t'do and my daddy is finally happy. He's a lot more fun when he's happy."

"He ain't happy today."

"I know. I hope he's okay. Jack says it's just a cold or somethin', but Daddy never gets sick. Makes me worried."

"Danny's family will be back from their camping trip tomorrow, so we c'n play with them."

"I can't wait! I hope we get t'go swimming."

"If it ever stops raining!"

"It ain't rainin' right now."

"Looks like it's gonna start, though."


Ennis vacillated between sleep and wake, fire and ice, the entire day and into the night. Pre-dawn light washed everything to a pale luminescence when he woke for real the next morning. The last two days felt like a bad dream. Reality was right in front of his face. Jack's features were soft in sleep, his dark hair framing his beautiful face. His eyes opened slowly and Ennis was pierced and swimming in the blue.

"Hey, baby."

"Hmm."

"How're ya feelin'?"

"Don' know."

Jack kissed his lips, barely touching them in his gentleness. "Go back t'sleep."

Ennis intended to stay awake, but Jack's words worked magic on his brain and he drifted back into a deep, dreamless sleep.