Chapter Nineteen
Tuesday, August 10, 1976
I gotta tell him. I can't lose him. He's gonna kill me. I wanna kill myself. Oh, God, just kill me now an' put me outta my misery. Deep breath in. Knock it off, asshole. Jus' tell 'im the truth and beg fer fergiveness. Another deep breath. How could I be so fuckin' stupid? How can I face him? How can I look into those eyes ever again? I gotta tell him. I can't lose him. He's gonna kill me. I wanna kill myself. Deep breath in. Just get the fuck outta bed an' face the music, asshole. Ennis took a shaky breath and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He sat for a moment, his head in his hands, misery pouring off him like heat waves.
Jack picked up the phone on the first ring. "Hello?"
"Oh, hi, Ellen. How was yer camping trip?" He listened for a while, smiling and nodding now and then. "Sure . . . Friday night? I'm sure that'll be okay. Ennis hasn't been feelin' good the past coupla days, but me 'n the kids'll be there fer sure, even if he cain't . . . Thanks, Ellen, you too." As he returned the phone to its cradle he heard the shower in their room start. Oh good, he's up.
Jack looked out the window, thoughts lost in the sunbeams and bright heat, Something's going on. Something with Tyler. And Ennis. He could feel it in the air around him–around them. I think Tyler fancies Ennis and . . . his mind veered from the thought before it could be completed. Maybe I shoulda let Tyler leave. He shook his head, but goddammit, we need 'im right now. I better talk t'Ennis about it. He stepped out the door of the office and heard a high pitched yell from outside. Bobby! Jack flew down the stairs, through the house, and out onto the porch.
Kelly was helping a crying Bobby up the stairs, cradling his arm. Jack leaned down, put his arm around Bobby's shoulders. "What happened?"
"He fell off his bike. I think his arm is broken, Jack."
"Shit. Bobby, son, calm down, okay?"
Bobby's sobs slowed to a gulping hiccup.
"I'll take ya t'the hospital. Come on. Kelly, would you let Ennis know where I've gone." He spotted Junior coming out the door, curious about the commotion, and asked, "Junior, d'ya think you could come with us? Just in case Bobby needs help while I'm drivin'?"
She looked like she was going to refuse, but her eyes softened when she looked at Bobby's tear-stained face. "Sure, Jack."
The three of them got in the truck and drove off. Kelly went in the house. Ennis was just coming down the stairs and asked, "What happened? I thought I heard a yell while I was in the shower."
"Bobby fell off his bike and maybe broke his arm. Jack and Junior are bringing him to the hospital."
"Did you see it happen?"
"Yeah. I was watching him out the window and he was going pretty fast and hit a rock or something."
"Damn. This is a bad time fer somethin' like that t'happen."
"You don't think L.D. will try to use it against Jack, do you? I saw it happen. It wasn't anyone's fault."
"I wouldn' put it past L.D. t'use anythin' he could against Jack."
"Oh, Ennis." Her dark eyes filled with tears and her hand went to her mouth.
"Where's Franny?"
"She and Hannah are out in the field playing with their Barbies." She looked at him closely, "How are you feeling, Ennis?"
"A lot better, thanks."
"Want something to eat? I made a big pot of chicken soup for lunch."
"Sure, then I better go out an' check on the horses."
Ennis finished his soup and walked out to the stables. He was relieved to find that no one else was there. I don't know how I'm gonna ever face Tyler again. Or Jack, fer that matter. He kept himself busy for an hour, his thoughts from earlier repeating themselves like a torture mantra. After a while, he walked out towards the field where Franny and Hannah were. He could see a big blanket that was covered with all their Barbie stuff. As soon as Franny spotted him, she leapt up and ran into his arms, yelling, "Daddy! Are you feelin' better?"
"I sure am, darlin'. Sorry t'get sick just when you girls got here. What've ya been up to?" He walked with her back to the blanket.
"Yesterday we played inside 'cause it was still raining part of the day. Today, Hannah came over with her Barbies, but, Daddy, d'you think we could go to town. I need a Ken doll. Hannah has one an' I don't. I need one."
Ennis looked at the elaborate set-up they had made, using folded hand towels and washcloths for couches and chairs, and a brick for a coffee table, among other things. "Well, I'll think about it, darlin'. Bobby had an accident on his bike. Mighta broke his arm. I don't wanna go anywhere 'til Jack gets back with him. In the meantime, I bet it's about time fer lunch. You wanna stay an' eat with us, Hannah?"
"Sure, Mr. Del Mar."
"Now Hannah, didn't I tell ya ta just call me Ennis?" he smiled at her and got one in return. "I'll help you girls pack up yer stuff."
"Can't we leave it out here, Daddy? We wanna play with 'em after lunch."
"Okay, but don't blame me if a wild animal comes and drags ever'thing off," he smiled a lopsided smile at them.
They both giggled. "Oh, Daddy, don't be silly!"
Ennis sat and had another bowl of soup while the girls and Kelly ate lunch. "Where are the guys?" he asked Kelly.
"They took a lunch with them. Another tree came down on the fence, during that storm, and it was pretty bad, so they figured they'd be out there most of the day."
Hannah and Franny finished their lunch and went back out to their Barbies. Ennis stayed at the table, a barely touched cup of coffee in front of him. Kelly cleaned up the table and rinsed their dishes, then sat across from Ennis. She didn't say anything. Ennis didn't notice, at first, so lost was he in his own thoughts. Finally, he realized they'd been sitting there together, in silence, for some time, and looked up at her. She was gazing out the window, a lost look in her eyes.
"You okay?" he asked.
She smiled sadly. "Ennis, can I ask you something?" he nodded, "Have you ever been in love with someone you can't have?"
He chuckled low, but there was no humor in the sound. "I spent thirteen years bein' in love with someone I felt I couldn't have."
"Jack."
"Yes."
"But . . . now you've got him."
"But it took a lot fer us t'get together. I never thought we'd ever be together like we are. Even now, it ain't so easy," he added softly.
She lowered her head and he could see the tears that fell from her eyes, like lone drops of rain. "At least you were able to finally come together. I'll never be able to do that."
"Oh, darlin', I'm so sorry. Colin McIntyre told us about your boyfriend. I'm sorry he's gone. Maybe it's time t'move on an' look fer someone else."
"I'm not crying about Dean," she said, a little harshly, wiping her eyes.
"Who, then?" he asked.
"Never mind, it's not important."
"Kelly, if yer cryin' about it, it's important. What's standin' in yer way of bein' with this person? You're a beautiful, caring, talented young lady. Who couldn't love you?"
"Someone who wants a beautiful, caring, talented young man," she whispered softly.
Ennis's eyes opened wide. "It's . . .it's not . . ."
She looked up and her eyes also widened, sensing his reason for distress. "Oh, Ennis, no, it's not you or Jack!"
"Tyler?" he asked hesitantly.
She nodded miserably. "It's always been Tyler. I only dated Dean because I couldn't have Tyler. I mean, he was nice and all, but no one compares to Tyler."
Ennis was silent for a while, lost in thought. "Honey, maybe you should try to get out more. Meet some new people."
She sighed. "I know. I keep telling myself that, but it's hard."
"How about taking some classes at the community college? Jack an' I'd certainly let you rearrange yer schedule t'do that. It might be good fer ya."
She was silent, considering it. "That might be a good idea, Ennis. I'll think about it." She looked into his eyes shyly, "Thanks for listening to me."
He came around the table and leaned down to give her a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Anytime, darlin', anytime. I can't tell ya how happy I am that yer workin' fer us. Bobby and the girls adore ya and ya take such good care o' me an' Jack. I know Jack feels the same way. But you do what you need t'do. If you need t'move on, we'll understand."
She wiped her eyes and laughed her musical laugh, "No need to think like that! I'm not going anywhere now!"
The door opened behind them and Jack came in carrying a sleeping Bobby, his left arm encased in a white plaster cast, followed by Junior. Jack put Bobby on the couch and took his sandals off, then covered him with the light blanket they kept at the end of the couch.
Ennis gave Junior a hug and a soft, "Hi, darlin'." She hugged him back.
"How're ya feelin', Daddy?"
"A lot better. Thanks fer goin' with Jack an' Bobby, sweetheart. You want some lunch? Kelly made some really good chicken soup."
"Sure, Daddy, I'm just gonna go wash up. Be right back." Kelly went to get some lunch for Junior and Jack.
"So? What's the story?" Ennis asked. "How is he?"
Jack shook his head. "He broke his arm. A fracture, but a clean one. Gonna be in a cast fer a month, at least." He ran his hand through his hair and added, "Couldn'ta happened at a worse time, right before court."
Ennis reached out and touched his arm, running his hand down to Jack's hand. "Sure it could, darlin'." Jack looked up at him sharply, questioningly. "Coulda happened right before his visit with L.D. an' Faye. That woulda been worse. 'Sides, he might have it off afore we even halfta go t'court, right?"
Jack smiled wryly. "I guess yer right, cowboy." Ennis let his hand fall away, seeing Junior emerge from the bathroom.
Ennis sat at the table with Jack and Junior while they ate.
"Oh, I almost fergot. Ellen called an' invited us to a big barbeque at their house on Friday. I said we'd go, if it's okay with you?"
"Sure."
"How 'bout you, Junior, what do you think?"
She looked up at Jack, surprised. "Me?"
"Yes, you, you're a young lady now an' I want yer opinion."
Her cheeks flushed a soft pink, but her smile was pleased, "I think it's a great idea."
Ennis flashed Jack a thankful smile, then looked at Junior and asked, "You wanna go into town? Franny wants somethin' at the store. I thought maybe I'd take you girls and we could have supper together, just the three of us."
"Sure, daddy, that'd be nice," she smiled at him, then looked shyly at Jack, "if that's okay with you, Jack?"
Jack's heart gave a lurch and he swallowed hard before answering. "That'd be fine with me, sweetheart. You girls have a good time with yer daddy."
"Junior, why don't you go tell Franny. Tell her t' clean up her stuff out there."
"'Kay, Daddy," she said.
"I'll go with you, Junior. They might need help carrying all that stuff they brought out there," Kelly said and they disappeared out the door.
Ennis cleared his throat hard and looked at Jack. "Well, that's a step."
"Yep."
They sat quietly for a while, until Jack said, "Hey, Ennis, I wanted t'talk t'you about somethin'."
Ennis's heart constricted and he felt cold all over, but he managed to ask, "What?"
"I think Tyler has a crush on ya. He's been actin' kinda strange and right after you guys came back in that storm, he tried t'quit. Said he needed t'look fer a new job."
"He did?"
"Yeah. I asked him to stay, 'cause we cain't afford fer him t'be gone right now."
"Maybe ya shoulda jus' let 'im go," Ennis said quietly.
Jack's eyes narrowed. "Why? I tol' ya, we need him right now. What the fuck is goin' on, Ennis?"
"Jack, yer right about Tyler. I know 'bout how he feels 'bout me."
Jack's voice rose a bit, "You've talked t'him about it?"
"Yeah, kinda."
"What does that mean?"
"Jack, this ain't the best time t'talk about this. Bobby's on the couch and the girls'll be back any minute."
"Ennis, yer scarin' me. What's goin' on?"
"Cain't we talk about this later, Jack?"
Jack grabbed the front of Ennis's shirt and pulled him roughly to him, "Ennis, I swear t'god . . . don't leave me hangin' like this . . . ya got me thinkin' the worst . . ." he released his grip and stepped back, turning away, breathing hard.
Ennis put his hand on Jack's shoulder, gently. "No need t'think the worst, darlin'. I promise."
Jack turned and met his eyes, hurt still visible in them.
"We got some stuff t'talk about, but I don' want ya t'worry, okay?" He pulled Jack into his arms, his stomach in knots, but trying not to show it. He knew he needed to tell Jack about the kiss between him and Tyler, but right now was not the time. And, as far as he was concerned, there would be nothing else to talk about. He'd done some hard thinking, during his moments of consciousness while he was sick, and realized he could not live without Jack. Nothing in the world was worth losing Jack, especially now, when they were finally on the way to building a real life together. Nothing. He held Jack tight, his face pressed into Jack's neck, breathing in the scent he loved so much. How could I ever have risked losing this, losing him? He tightened his grip, knowing he just might lose him, when Jack found out what he had to tell him.
Jack pulled back and met Ennis's lips in a deep kiss. Ennis lost himself in it, mentally beating himself with a tire iron for ever risking the loss of his Jack.
Ennis wandered around the K-Mart store with Franny and Junior. Franny picked out a Malibu Ken doll and a new carrying case for the Barbies. Junior picked out some Trixie Belden books, explaining to Ennis that she was a girl detective, the same age as Junior. They picked out a new Tonka truck for Bobby, hoping to cheer him up, since he wouldn't be able to go swimming for the rest of the summer.
It was starting to get dark when they got home. Jack was sitting on the couch, with Bobby curled up next to him, watching "Happy Days". Jack was admiring Fonzie and thinking, I should grow some sideburns like that. Wonder what Ennis would think of 'em? Maybe a mustache, too.
"Bobby, we got you a present," Franny said, handing him the truck. "We thought it might cheer ya up."
"Oh, wow! Thank you!" he looked up at Jack, "Can I take it outside an' try it, Daddy?"
"You can take it in the entryway an' try it. It's gettin' dark out and the mosquitos are really bad this time o' night."
"All right. Wanna come with, Franny?"
"No, I gotta take Ken t'meet Barbie."
"Oh, all right. Hey, I could give Ken a ride in my truck!"
"No, thanks," she replied and went to her room. Bobby shrugged his shoulders and went out to the entryway alone.
"I'm gonna go in my room an' read fer a while," Junior said.
Ennis sat on the couch next to Jack. Jack looked at him, an unreadable question in his eyes. Ennis reached over and took Jack's hand in his, then leaned in for a quick kiss. He knew it wouldn't fix anything and it wouldn't help ease the pain when the truth came out, but he couldn't help himself as he whispered, "I love you, Jack."
Jack's eyes widened at this unexpected declaration. "I . . . I love you, too, Ennis," he stammered, then leaned in for another kiss and reluctantly drew his hand away from Ennis's.
They sat together through the rest of "Happy Days" and then through "Laverne & Shirley", but Ennis fell asleep before the end. Jack shook his shoulder and sent him up to bed and by the time Jack went up to bed, Ennis was sleeping deeply.
Jack came awake during the night and felt Ennis curled around him. He smiled and rolled over, into Ennis. He felt safe here, in the arms of the man he loved. There was a hitch in Ennis's breathing and he opened his eyes sleepily. "Jack?"
Jack threaded his legs through Ennis's and tightened his embrace. "I'm here, baby." The warmth and closeness worked magic on his body and seemed to do the same for Ennis, judging from the hardness between them.
Ennis rolled on his back and pulled Jack onto him. A long sigh escaped him and he nuzzled into Jack's neck. They began moving together, the silence disturbed only by the sound of their sighs and kisses. Jack felt like he was surrounded by a cocoon of pleasure, wrapping them in a gentle embrace, pushing them closer and closer, until it was impossible to know where one ended and the other began. And then, momentum built until his body hummed with electricity, his toes curled, and he was infused with orgasmic pleasure, made sacred because Ennis came at exactly the same moment. Jack collapsed, breathing hard, a goofy smile on his face. Ennis kissed him and sensed the smile.
"What?"
"Nothin'. I jus' love wakin' up like this."
Ennis tightened his arms around Jack, all troubles, for the moment, pushed from his mind. His whole being was here, in this moment, and right here was pure joy.
