TAG: I'm alive! But more importantly, I have more letters! Here's the disclaimer: I don't own any anime, especially not Fullmetal Alchemist. Some of these letters were written by me, others weren't. I couldn't use all of your letters because there were so many! I picked a few so I wouldn't get this removed for too much audience involvement, and I promise to get around to some others next time! Thanks and enjoy!


Send your letters to Edward Elric via mail or cyberspace. If you're looking for some good, honest, thoughtful answers to your questions, you've come to the wrong place. Not saying Harriet's Helpful Hints is the right place.

Dear Ed,

O.K., here's the deal. I like to make fanart, but I'm having a bit of an art block right now. But I really need to get back to drawing! There's this big fanart contest coming up and I want to win it! But whenever I put the pencil to paper, nothing comes. It's really bugging me, what should I do?

Art Blocked Artist

Dear Artist,

Draw me! It's a sure way to fix art block. I mean, it's like one of those nasal congestion pills. Your art block is the nasal stuff, and drawing Edward Elric is like the relief. But without side effects. Actually, you might get a callous on your finger or something from drawing. Unless you have one of those squishy grip things. Um, sorry, getting off topic… Anyway, if drawing me doesn't work, try drawing upside down. How does this help, you ask? Well, you draw upside down, flip it over, and go WHAT THE HECK? Because it's really hard to do a good drawing upside down. So then after seeing that horrible picture, you will be motivated to draw better, and your nasal passages will be cleared. I mean art block. Your art block will be cleared. Not from your nose.

Dear Ed,

I have several questions for you. What does meep mean? What does umm... mean? I have a friend who just doesn't accept that meep means meep and umm... means umm...

Love, Kirri

Dear Kirri,

The definition of meep is a word that you say sometimes… and… uhhh… Here, let me look it up on the internet. Pssh, I got to remember to change this stupid kitten background Al's got on the desktop… Let's see… Go to Google… type in define:meep… "Meep is an onomatopoetic word whose sound can be similar to a honking car horn." O.K., what the heck? Now I gotta find out what onopo-whatever means… and I thought car horns were more like, BRRREEEEEP! Unless it's one of those little ones. Ummm… means when you don't know something, or you forgot what you were gonna say, or you are hesitating to say something. You know what, I think car horns make an "UMMM" sound too. So there you go, tell your friend that Ummm… and meep are both car horn sounds, and she'd better accept it.

Der Ed

Lyk I ttly hav this prob w/ this guy, he wuz on the intrnet n he wuldnt talk 2 me even tho I was lyk Omg ur the coolest I lub u! n im mad cuz he wuz rude, so wut shuld I do?

tehcoolestchick

Dear tehcoolestchick,

Lyk OMG that so sux that he wuz lyk not talkng 2 u! Wow, I just annoyed myself by typing that.

Dear Ed,

I love harry Potter! I'm crazy about it. I painted my whole basement to look like Hogwarts. I wear Gryffindor robes to school and the mall. The only reason I go to the mall is to read the books again even thought I own them all in hardback and paperback. I've memorized the first three books and am memorizing the next two. I'm so excited for the sixth book to come out that I'm camping out from now until July in front of the bookstore! As you can see, I am obsessed. A book report in school is coming up and, naturally, I want to do one of the Harry Potter books. But my teacher won't let me! She says since I've done the Harry Potter books for all the rest of my book reports that I should do a new book. I hate all the other books but Harry Potter! What do I do?

Emmy A.K.A Hermione

Dear Emmy,

Yeeeahhhh… Um…. Have you tried reading another book besides Harry Potter before? If you have, try reading one again, and this time pretend that all the characters in that book are just Harry Potter characters in disguise. If that doesn't work, I'd try repainting your basement and wearing normal clothes. It might…. loosen up the obsession a bit so you could read other books again. If all else fails, I'd attack your teacher.

Dear Ed-chan,

I always get your name confused with Al's. Don't get me wrong, I know who's who, but I always call you Al and him Ed. Any suggestions to help me remember your names?

star-rose26

Dear star-rose26,

I can see how you get it mixed up sometimes. Both names are two letters and they both start with a vowel. And you can spell words out of them too, like deal, and lead, and dale, whatever a dale is, and… uh… edal… which is a pedal without the p. So back to your question, what you need to do is make some flash cards. Make three. On one draw a picture of Al and then put "Al" on the back. On the second one draw me and put "Ed" on the back, and you can put some other stuff on there too, like "Cool" and "Alchemist." And on the third one you can draw Roy Mustang and give him a mustache and on the back write "Monkey." Hahahahahaha! And then you can have someone time you. And if the evil monkey flash card is distracting you can shred it.

Dear Edward,

I need help on my homework.

1. What is the capital of Arkansas?
2. What was the first battle of the Civil War?
3. What were the Central Powers during World War 1?
4. What was World War 1 also known as?
5. What is a preposition?
Thanks
-Tim S.

Dear Tim,

1.Arkansas City.
2.That one with Custard or something, right? So is it Custard Battle? Or Custard Bagle? Haha…
3.Um… where's the center of the world, anyway? I think it's New Guinea. So yeah, I'd go with that.
4.The First World War? World War One? World War Uno?
5.That's easy; it's the beginning of a position. You know, pre- means before, and then there's position, so there you go.

Dear Ed,

Yesterday, I went to the market to buy some groceries and guess what? They sold a cheese sculpture that looked like you! (Life-size at 4'4"!) So I asked the vender and he was like 'yeah, I just KNEW he'd make the most inspirational cheese art' and talked on and on about seeing you on TV and stuff. Yeah, I don't get what he's going on about either. So anyways, I bought the cheese-you for $2.99 and went home. The problem was, even though I was really hungry, you looked way too awesome to just eat. So I put the cheese-you on top of my kitchen table and left you there for a whole day. Unfortunately, you are starting smell and I see that a blue mold is growing on your chin. What should I do?
-cheeseenthusiast

Dear cheeseenthusiast,

That's so cool that they make cheese me's! Haha, rhyme… anyway, about that mold. I see two things that could happen here. You could try scraping it off, which would give me a super manly chiseled chin, which could be kinda cool. Or, you could let the mold grow and I could have a blue goatee, which also might be kinda cool. Either way my appearance is changed a little bit, but I guess that could be O.K. Maybe the blue goatee would be a little weird. Well, in the worst case scenario, I'd eat me, and then throw out the chin since mold doesn't taste all that great. Hold on a minute, isn't that Blue Cheese salad dressing stuff mold? So it might actually be good. O.K., so you could eat me and then put my chin on a salad.

Dear Edward Elric,

I have been in bad spirits since I discovered you have continued this column against my suggestion. You and your editor should be ashamed! Why, all the answers you gave to Tim S.'s homework questions were completely wrong. You shouldn't even be giving kids answers to their homework in the first place! Give them help or tell them to ask a teacher, not an irresponsible teenage columnist with less sense than a peanut.

-Harriet Orkelheim, Harriet's Helpful Hints

Dear Snorkleheimer,

Oh yeah? Well, your advice column and you combined have less sense than a peanut. And whoever your unfortunate editor is has must have a brain the size of a peanut to actually work with you! Grrrrrr, why don't you and your morals just… go skydiving with broken parachutes or something! Just because you have no life doesn't mean you can come write stupid letters to me. And you must be really stupid because you're writing to me, and I'm not writing to you, so you're getting less letters to put on your column, HA! And I bet all your letters are written BY you, and you just pretend to be someone else and answer your own questions! Or they are from real people, and they say stuff like this: "What are the proper socks to wear to wedding? Sincerely, Stupid Bridesmaid." And you say, "The proper socks for a wedding depends on the theme blah blah blah I suggest a white or lavender if you have a dress that covers them blah blah blibbity blah."

Dear Ed,

I hate milk as well, and it turned out that a lot of my friends hate milk too, so we formed the milk-slaying ninja clan where we run around slaying milk with goldfish, purple tape, and paper kunai. Since I know how much you hate milk, would you like to join?
-TahPehKage

Dear TahPehKage,

Yeah, I wanna join. Can my codename be Fullmetal MilkHater or something? And should I bring my own goldfish, or do you guys have a bunch already?

Dear Ed,

I'm wondering if it's possible to make a video game that you could play with your eyes closed.

Also, it would really make my day if you pretended to be a robot while answering this question.

LaserKing

Dear LaserKing:

My sensors indicate that a video game of the type you have specified would be one programmed to respond to other senses of the human being such as touch and hearing. It would be possible for such a video game to exist but allocated data of my opinion reads that such a game would be uninteresting and difficult to manage. It is now safe to turn off your computer.

Dear Eddie-chan,

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BLOCKED

Your one true love, Brianna Sherman

Dear Crazy Stalker,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dear Ed,

My little pink dog stuffed animal is talking to me…

Ms. Sagi

Dear Ms. Sagi,

…is it supposed to?

dear ed,

what did you think of that harry potter boy finding the philosipher's stone and destroying it? just wondering, mind you.
-person

Dear Person,

WHO DESTROYED IT? HARRY POTTER? WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM ANYWAY! I bet it wasn't even the real one! Yeah, he's so stupid he destroyed a fake… Or he found it and he thought it was a fruit or something, so he ate it.

Dear Lover Eddie,

You'd better check whose e-mail you're blocking! My last letter didn't get through, but no worries sweetie, I have plenty of e-mail addresses! I just wrote to you to tell you that I escaped from prison and I'm waiting for you to come see me! I talked to a pastor and set a date for the wedding, so you'd better be there! It's O.K. if you're late, I'll still love you. I made a shrine for you a while ago but the cops came and it got set on fire. How mean! I hope you don't think I'm a horrible person for letting them burn your shrine. Oh, I read a letter from a girl who had a cheese statue of you! WHERE DID SHE GET IT? I want one just like it, so I can make out with it while I'm waiting for the real you to come and kiss me! And don't you dare talk to any of your fangirls! I bet they're all jealous of our relationship. And don't call anyone else 'dear' anymore, O.K. love bunny? Love and kisses!

Brianna Sherman

Psychotic Stalker,

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP TALKING TO ME YOU NUTCASE!

Dear Ed,

O.K., I don't really understand you. You're really popular and you get all these letters, but you're not even handsome or anything. You're a freakin' midget, dude.
-BlackDragon

Dear &$#! MORON,

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? We had gone through this whole column without ONE SHORT COMMENT, AND HERE YOU COME ALONG AND RUIN IT! AND IT'S INTERTWINED WITH AN UGLY COMMENT! GAAAAHHHHH! WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER WRITING LETTERS TO ME IF I'M SO SHORT AND UGLY? HUH? ANSWER THAT MR. DESPERATE LOSER!

Dear Ed,

Since lots of people are calling you short, why don't you make fun of tall people? You can say to the next person who calls you short "Your so tall you hit your head and become half retarded when you walk through a door!" Take my "Ed"vice. Get it, advice for you:"Ed"vice! HAHAHAHAHAHA: )

Person with helpful hints

P.S. Not that Harriet person. Just someone with useful "Ed"vice.

Dear Person,

You. Are. A . Genius.

Dear Ed,

Um, if you're 4'4, then I'm way taller then you, and I'm younger then you. Are you like one of those dwarf people or something?

Candice

Dear Candice,

BUAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU FELL FOR IT LOSER! YOU'RE SO TALL YOU HIT YOUR HEAD AND GET A CONCUSSION WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH A DOOR! HAHAHAHAHAHA! AND I'M ACTUALLY 4'9! HAHAHAHA! Haaa….

O.K., this is driving me crazy. I get some super nice people that say "Wow I think short is cute," and then I get THESE MORONS who think I'm a midget, and GUESS WHICH LETTERS MY EDITOR PICKS? Yeah, she's tall too and I bet she hits her head on doors and gets a concussion! HAHA! Yeah, that's right, you heard me! I'm taking a break. I'd like to thank anyone who gave me nice letters. Good bye.


TAG: Umm…. Well, he's a little angry… I'm sure Ed will be back later, but for now, what should I do… Oh, I know! Send some letters to Al this time! You can send some more to Ed but he probably won't get around to answering to them in the next post. Thanks for reading! Tell me in a review how I'm doing, and leave a letter for Ed or Al, or send an e-mail to Ed's address: dearedwardelric at yahoo. com. See ya!