TAG: What's this? ANOTHER UPDATE! Took a while, huh? The reviews kept me coming back. Thanks everybody :) The Oh-so-obvious-but-necessary-disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, or any other anime referenced to in here. Some of the letters are by reviewers, some are not; I want to make sure I don't get the fic deleted for too much audience involvement. And without further ado, I present:


The Special Elric Edition of Dear Ed!

Hi everybody, it's Al. I decided to take over my brother's column for a little while since he's protesting against it at the moment. I'm sorry if I don't do it the same way he does, but I'll try to give the best advice I can!

Dear Al,

People make fun of me because I have no friends, but in reality, they don't know I don't want friends, I just want to be alone. Is that bad or too much to ask?

-Shy

Dear Shy,

Even though you may be shy, it's always important to have some friends! I think you just need to find someone who you share lots of interests with. I'm sure there's someone out there who you'll love to be around, and all you have to do is find them. Maybe it's even someone who is very outgoing, and can help you open up to others. Being shy isn't a bad thing, but you n….

WHOA WHOA WHOA, STOP THE PRESSES THERE, AL!

Brother? What are you doing? I thought…

I WAS going to sit around and protest the unfair treatment of me in this column, but… you're doing it wrong.

I'm doing what wrong?

The advice thing. I can't just sit around and watch while you answer people's questions like this!

Oh… but…

How about I show you the ropes of an advice column, hmmm? That way you can learn in case you ever get your own column.

Oh… O.K., Ed, show me.

Great! First, let's take another one of these letters addressed to you, and we'll go about ed-vicing it, or al-vicing it, mmmkay?

Alright. But are you sure we can both answer letters? I mean, it is your column…

And what would happen if we do? The advice column police would come and throw paper at us? I don't think so. We'll be fine.So let's start with another letter!

Dear Al,

I have a problem. My daddy says i can have a kitty but I dont know what kind of kitty to get. I love them all and there all so cute and mewy and fluffy!(except for those naked ones...they are definnatly not fluffy..) What is you favorite kind of kitty?

-KittyKatastrophy

Oh, yay! A cat question!

UGH. Well, I can still help you here, I think. So, what kind of advice would you give, Al?

Well, I'd tell her about all the different kinds of cats she can get! And I'd ask her exactly what requirements she wants. Does she want it to be friendly, easy to manage, easy to groom…

Yah, yah, O.K. What you need to do is ask her what the heck mewy means.

But Brother, doesn't it mean they meow a lot and…

Ask her!

But…

Do it!

O.K…

Dear Kitty Katastrophy (cute name!)

What does mewy mean?

What the heck does mewy mean.

What the heck does mewy mean?

Very good. Now we need to organize the rest of this letter. So the next thing we should do is talk about that cat that lived in our neighborhood that sounded like a sheep when it meowed. Like, Ma-a-a-a-a-a-ah!

What?

Yes, Alphonse! The sheep-cat!

Um, O.K… We used to know a cat that sounded like a sheep.

So it didn't exactly make a mewy noise.

Right.

Next topic is the 'naked cat.'

They're called…

Ah-ah-ah! We don't need to put that! We just need to express our feelings about the naked cat. And suggest if she hates them, then she should get one so she could bond with it and learn to like the breed better. Or, it would make a totally awesome Halloween prop. Like, "Look, I'm a mummy and this is my NAKED CAT OF DOOM!" And pull it out of your basket and wave it around and make evil noises.

Er… O.K… I don't really like the "naked cats," because I like the soft, fluffy cats better. And maybe you should get a naked cat so that you could learn to like the breed better…

And it would show you how much you take furry cats for granted.

Brother! Don't interrupt! …and a naked cat would make a totally awesome Halloween prop.

Cool. So let's pull it all together and try answering that letter again.

Dear Al,

I have a problem. My daddy says i can have a kitty but I dont know what kind of kitty to get. I love them all and there all so cute and mewy and fluffy!(except for those naked ones...they are definnatly not fluffy..) What is you favorite kind of kitty? -KittyKatastrophy

Dear KittyKatastrophy,

What the heck does mewy mean? We used to know a cat that sounded like a sheep, so it didn't exactly make a mewy noise. I don't really like the "naked cats," because I like the soft, fluffy cats better. And maybe you should get a naked cat so that you could learn to like the breed better. And a naked cat would make a totally awesome Halloween prop.

O.K.! Sounds a bit pieced together, but…

It is pieced together, Brother. I just copied and pasted from the stuff above.

Whatever. Shall we do another one? And this time I'll watch you do it, and I won't say anything.

Dear Aru-kun,

I have a cat that is so cute and fluffy, but when you try to pet her, she attacks. What should I do since you are the cat expert?

-Halfmetal Alchemist

P.S. Tell Edo-kun I said 'Hi' and tell Roy-san I said 'You are a moron!'

O.K.! I'll handle the letter!

And I'll handle the telling Roy he's a moron part! Be right back.

Um… O.K… So, uh, let's try this:

Dear Halfmetal Alchemist,

Your kitty sounds very interesting! Has she been attacking people since she was a kitten, or is it a recent thing? Sometimes when cats have problems with people when they are young, they hold the feeling with them their entire nine lives. Maybe your kitty had some bad experiences when she was little. Or maybe she's becoming more aggressive as she gets older. One way to cure her is to gain her trust by being gentle and a responsible owner. Perhaps it's just her personality, too; in that case, I would give her the space she needs, and maybe she'll warm up to you as she sees you're not trying to invade her room.
Oh… um… and maybe you could get a naked cat if you don't like her.

O.K., I'm back. Let's see what you got. Hmmmm… O.k…. Can I edit it a little?

I suppose…

Dear Halfmetal Alchemist,

Your kitty sounds very emotionally stressed. Maybe she had a boyfriend kitty that she found out was cheating on her, and instead of getting sad she's just ticked off. Maybe your kitty had some bad experiences with hands and is afraid they're out to get her. You could make one of those little mobile things they make for babies, and hang little pictures of hands off of it and put it above the kitty's bed. That way, she'll learn to trust hands because they're not constantly trying to touch her. Either that or she'll get even more crazy because there's a whirling contraption of doom that makes noise hanging above her head as she tries to sleep. So yeah. If worse comes to worse, get ones of those naked cats, because no one wants to pet one of those anyway.

There, that's a little better. Still could use some work.

Here's another one for you. Go for it, little brother.

Dear Alphonse-kun
First of all I've to say that you're so cool and a very nice person and very sweet and very cute and...you got the picture..well anyway I would like to ask you what you normally did at night when you were in that armour... as you didn't sleep... just curious...

Curious person

Dear Curious,

Thanks for the really nice compliments! Well, at night, usually I just sit and kind of think…

ABORT! ABORT!

Ed?

I can't help you with this one!

Well, obviously not.

But it's not even asking for your al-vice!

What?

Well, you're not just going to give out your al-vice to someone who doesn't ask for it, huh? It's yours and it's super influencing and highly thought of, so you're not just going to go throwing it around, am I right?

Um…

That would be like if someone, like… uh… startwinkle827475633379, sent me a letter that said "Hey Ed you're cute" and I replied with a super long batch of ed-vice! There's no point! You gotta be very selective about your answers, Al!

You… you're not just angry that I got a really nice letter, are you?

NO! OF COURSE NOT, STUPID! I get nice letters all the time! Just go look at all the reviews! Half of them are from fans!

You just don't want to use your magic ed-vice on them.

Right. Because I've got their love already.

I'm really confused.

Good. Next letter.

Dear Al

Why is your brother the protagonist of the story and not you? If I were you I would beat him up!

-Al rules

Dear Al Rules, (thanks!)

Um… I actually don't mind Ed being the protagonist!

Well of COURSE you don't!

Yes, Brother, that's what I'm trying to explain to them.

I know, and that makes their question irrelevant.

But…

But nothing. So, how about you help me answer some of my letters?

Sure… But I'm not very good at answering them your way.

It's O.K., Al, you'll learn. All you need is some practice.

right.

Dear Ed,

My friend and I are trying to start a bake sale at our school. But the problem is, neither of us can bake to save our lives. My friend is sloppy, and I can't follow directions very well, so needless to say, our recipes are a disaster. We don't want to buy anything from the grocery store and claim we made it, because that defeats the purpose of the bake sale. Any suggestions?

-Laurie

A fine letter, in my opinion, ripe for the ed-vice. Or the al-vice. But together, we give AD-vice! See, we take the d from my name and the a from yours and…

Yes, Ed, I see.

So give her some al-vice, please.

Dear Laurie,

Both you and your friend together can't make recipes very well, but what if you got some more people involved?

STOP STOP STOP!

What now, Brother?

You need to give her some tips, not some getting-more-people-involved-community friendship-together-we-make-better-cookies-happy-bake-sale-fun junk. She needs some good, solid advice about how to make her and her friend's bake sale better. So I present:

Ed Elric's Super Bake Sale Recipe! Great for the holidays, and easy to make!

Where'd you get this from?

I made it up, duh. So you need… um… all those cookie ingredients, like butter, and… uh… sugar. But NO MILK. Whatever you do, DON'T PUT ANY MILK IN THE RECIPE… THING. Because it'll ruin everything, trust me. So… stir all that other stuff together, then, dollop some of it onto a pan, and put sprinkles on it or something. Oh, it would be a big seller if you shaped them round with a little braid.

And the antenna, too, I'm guessing…

Yes. So then put them in the oven and take them out later. See, wasn't that painless?

Brother, you didn't give them any measurements, or oven settings, or even ingredients!

I did too give them ingredients! And who cares about measurements! Just do what you feel is right. Have faith in your cooking instincts, and everything will turn out O.K.

Dear Ed,

I'm having a little girl trouble. Well, actually, some large girl trouble. And with more than one girl. In a sense… Well, let me explain. Whenever I meet a fine looking young girl, I approach her and ask her in my most polite and reserved manner if she would be so kind as to bear my children. With some ladies this doesn't go over so well, and some are too shy to say anything at all. Some think I'm joking, and some become violent. These reactions are also typical when I rub their bottoms. How can I get a girl to warm up to me?

-"Mark"

I'm leaving.

NO, Al, wait! I need you to help me out here! Give him your best advice, but think like me, O.K.?

Oh boy. Here goes.

Dear "Mark,"

Um… maybe you should stop approaching them like that, because it might make them feel awkward. O.K., it probably does make them feel very awkward. And… Uh… maybe if you talk to them a little first, they'll get to know you a little better, then you can… um… ask that question… which is really weird… especially if you don't know her… at all.
Oh. And you should get a naked cat. Because it would be a great conversation starter.

How was that?

You're definitely getting there, Al. Sort of.

Yay.

Dear Ed,

I would just like you to know that being short doesn't have to be a bad thing. Look at it this way, raindrops always hit your head last. I have a few friends who lack in height, but make up for it in personality. Don't ever change. We all love you for who you are.

-Bakamono-chan

Well wasn't that nice! I completely agree. Wait… where did Ed go? Oh, he's printing something out… probably the letter… and making photocopies… and taping them all over his editor's laptop. Ah.

Sorry, I'm back. Just needed to make sure she got an example of a GOOD letter to put in my column.

It's already in the column, Brother.

Yes, and for that I am grateful. Let's move on, shall we? Hee, raindrops hit my head last. Not many people can say that.

Dear Eddie-chan my love,

Hi baby! I bet you were just so excited when you got my letter, huh? And I bet you're dying to know how I've been doing. Well, I managed to not get arrested after I vandalized the city courthouse. Look, I sent a picture, doesn't it make you happy? But you'll be even more happy if you come and see me! I broke into a house to use the computer since my other letters weren't getting through and your e-mail address was blocking anything coming from my old computer. You know sweetheart, I spend so much time thinking about you and I bet you spend as much time thinking about me. I know the wedding got pushed back a little while since you obviously couldn't make it last week, but it's still going to happen and I'm so excited! I even started signing things Mrs. Brianna Sherman Elric, but I just steal stuff lots of the time so I don't really need to sign anything. I stole a dress and some shoes but I lost them, so can you bring me some as a present when you come? Thanks baby. And where are we going on our honeymoon? I'm so excited! I'm just really upset right now cause you're still talking to these other girls and stuff, but I know you'll always be true to me right?

-Your beloved wife Brianna Sherman Elric

P.S. We should name one of our kids after me

Oh... my...

AUUUUUGGGHHH. IT'S THAT STALKER AGAIN! I SWEAR, I AM GOING TO FIND HER AND… AND… MRS. BRIANNA SHERMAN ELRIC! AND… OUR HONEYMOON? WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED, FOR THE LAST TIME! AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT…

Brother, small caps, please.

Dear Brianna Sherman,

If you continue stalking my brother, you're going to die. Either by his hand, or mine, or one of his reader's. So I'd stop, now.

So how was that?

Nicely put, Al, this is your best reply yet.

Dear Edward Elric,

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, you let your brother take over your column, then come parading back in with an onslaught of stupidity. Your younger brother was honestly doing such a better job then you, I'm surprised people can still read this now that you came back to "answer" their questions! This advice column must be some kind of joke. My congratulations to your editor for having it stay afloat for so long, but I'm glad to say it won't be long now before I run you out of business. In fact, my Christmas Column is going to be thriving this year, just like every year. I'll be surprised if you even get one letter these following weeks.

-Harriet Orkelheim, Harriet's Helpful Hints

Ah, I knew we couldn't get through the column without a delusional rambling letter from her. Let me take this one, Al.

My pleasure.

Snorkleheimer,

The first part I didn't waste time giving any thought, but then I saw "Christmas Column." I mean, what a great idea! I can have a seasonal edition of my column for the next few weeks! Simply genius. I won't actually try it, but wouldn't it be lots of fun to pretend to be you in one of my columns? "I'm disappointed in your lack of confliguring ingenuity andexcess of srehmorisms yadda yadda yadda I talk to my refridgerator." So, thanks for the idea, and for making my column even bigger with your stupid letter.

Nice.

Yup. She's one of my regulars.

Her and the stalker.

So, are you really going to do a seasonal thing?

Yeah, why not? The stupid editor'll get the details worked out, I suppose. Alright, here's one last letter before we let her take over:

Dear Ed,

Hey Ed you're cute

-startwinkle827475633379

Whoa, weird.

You got to reply! Even if it is… kind of… weird, because I just gave an example about something like this a while back and… uh… just answer it.

Sure.

Dear startwinkle,

Whoa, weird.
And Ed says thanks.

Good. You pass.


TAG: ATTENTION READERS! We're doing a HOLIDAY COLUMN! So over the next few weeks, send in your holiday or seasonal related questions, i.e. "How do you put up your Christmas tree without a stand," "Have you ever gone skiing," "What kind of explosive should we send Brianna Sherman for Christmas," etc. If you send a non-seasonal question, it might be put in a later batch. So send a letter to Ed in a review or an e-mail to dearedwardelric at yahoo dot com. See you later!

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