I've had some trouble posting on lately, so I thought I'd say that my story is also available on my livejournal account at http/racchelle. lyrics in the first two paragraphs are from the song Lover's Cross by Jim Croce. They are not mine–I just borrowed them.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Angels fall
(ordinary peopleangels all)
fall from grace
(he loves me)
I fall from grace
(then turns away)
with every kiss I falter
(denies me with his lips)
though every kiss is sweet
sweeter than the last
(his heart is breaking)
perfection begins to elude me
(mine is already broken)
every kiss he gives me
(every kiss is given)
elicits
(illicitly)
perfection in this day
every kiss draws me closer
(every kiss is sealed)
to heaven
(in hell)
and cradles me in grace
(I fall from grace)

Sunday, August 22, 1976

I guess that it was bound to happen, was just a matter of time . . . now I've come to my conclusion and it's one of the painful kind . . . 'cause now it seems that you wanted a martyr–just a regular guy wouldn't do, but baby I can't hang upon your lover's cross for you . . .

. . . tables are meant for turning and people are bound to change and bridges are meant for burning when the people and memories they join aren't the same . . .

The song disappeared into static, so Ennis turned it off. The late summer greens of the trees and grasses faded into each other, creating a crazy quilt pattern in their light and shadows. The mountains overshadowed them, a looming touchstone of home. A small sigh escaped from his chest, his joy muted by the knowledge that he could have no secrets here. No secrets would be allowed in the ocean of trees, in the cradle of the mountains, where he came to know happiness, joy, and love, a lifetime ago.

Jack concentrated on driving. They were close now, to the old drop-off, meeting point. Without a truck or horses, they could not return to their old campsite, unless they hiked in, which would mean hauling everything with them, and they weren't prepared to do that. He parked the car and looked around, turned to Ennis. "Well, what do you think?"

Ennis spotted a small clearing close to the river, across the bridge. "How 'bout there?" Jack nodded in agreement and they started setting up camp, falling easily into their old patterns. Jack was a little disconcerted by the familiarity of it, and yet, there was comfort in being here, in the wilderness, just the two of them. They each felt it and wrapped it around themselves like a warm blanket.

They sat, backs propped against a large log, a fire crackling in front of them, staring up at the brilliant night sky. Ennis reached for Jack's hand, entwining his fingers with Jack's, palms pressed together, and he was infused with a sense of peace. "Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight, wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight," he said, his words almost lost in their softness. "My momma used ta say that an' make us wish on the star."

Jack smiled at him and squeezed his hand, then returned his gaze to the heavens. "Looks like yer a little late fer that first star, bud."

"Guess it just means I get a million wishes."

"What would you wish for?"

"I already got what I wished for, Jack."

Jack smiled and said, "Me too."

Some time later, Jack yawned and stretched. "I'm ready for bed, cowboy. How 'bout you?"

"Yeah, me too," Ennis replied, following Jack into the tent. They stripped down and crawled in between the sleeping bags they'd zipped together to make into one large one. Ennis curled around Jack, the memory of their first stay here, on Brokeback, enveloping him, like the sleeping bag, in a warm cocoon. He drew Jack closer, felt the kiss that was planted on his arm, and sighed a bittersweet sigh. He was lulled to sleep by the crackling of the fire, the gentle roar of the river, and the soft sighing of the wind in the trees around them.

During the night, he awoke to another fire. Still wrapped around him, Jack had guided his hand to his erect cock. This time, instead of jerking his hand away, like that first night, he nuzzled his face into Jack's neck, kissing and tasting, running his hand up and down the silky hardness, before getting to his knees and hauling Jack to all fours. He entered him with the clear slick and the lube Jack handed him. He thrust frantically for moment, slowed, then stopped, leaned in to Jack and asked, "You all right, darlin'?"

"Yes . . ." It came out as a soft plea as Jack arched back into him, urging him to go on.

Afterwards, Ennis fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, protected by Jack's strong arms wrapped around him. He woke in the early morning, while the light was still the pale color of bone, untangled himself from Jack, grabbed his jeans, shirt, and boots, and slipped outside. When Jack came out an hour later, he had breakfast ready. They said little while they ate and when they were done, Jack took their dishes to the river to wash them. Ennis stayed seated by the fire, his eyes on Jack until he finished, returned the dishes to the box, and sat down beside him.

Jack broke the silence. "We got some stuff to talk about, Ennis."

"I know."

"Are you sorry you asked me to stay with you?"

"No! No, Jack." He looked down at his hands, then asked, "Are you sorry you said yes? Decided to move to the farm with me?"

"God, no, Ennis." He paused. "Except, I feel like what happened to Lureen was my fault. If I hadn't told her I wanted a divorce . . . she'd never have gone out that night. She'd have gone to work, like normal, then came home and would've been in bed sleeping, instead of out drinking and riding with someone who'd been drinking."

"Jack, that ain't your fault. She coulda got killed on the way home from work, just as easy. She coulda called a cab, or you, or her parents. She made her choice."

Silence again.

"Jack, I got somethin' t'tell ya."

Fear clenched at Jack, holding his heart in a death-grip. He looked to Ennis's eyes, which skipped away from his own.

"I . . . god, Jack, this is so hard."

"Just say it, Ennis."

Ennis took a deep breath in, looked at Jack from under his eyelashes. "I love you, Jack, and I have for as long as I can remember. As long as the first summer here. From the very beginning." He took another deep breath, said softly, "I don't want you t'hate me, darlin'."

"Jesus christ, Ennis, spit it the fuck out."

"Ya know how, when we was first here, on the mountain, I told ya I wasn't a queer?"

Jack looked at him, confusion crowding out the fear and dread in his eyes. "Yeah, so?"

"Well, I really believed that, then. I needed to believe that. I thought loving you was just a one-time thing, a force of nature I couldn't control. But now . . . now I know the truth. Jack, I really am queer."

Jack looked away, his eyes clouded, and asked, "How do you know? What made you change yer mind and admit it?"

"For the first time, since you, I was attracted to someone else. I tried to fight it, I tried to hide from it, but I couldn't. It made me realize that it's men I'm attracted to, not women. No woman has ever made me feel the way you do. Or the way . . ." he trailed off.

"Tyler makes you feel?"

Ennis looked at him sharply.

"Oh, come on, Ennis, I'm not fuckin' blind."

They were silent for a few moments, before Jack asked, "That all you gotta tell me?"

"No." The word caught in his throat and tears sprang to his eyes.

The color drained from Jack's face as he clenched his teeth and felt the sickly-sweet taste of bile in the back of his throat.

"I . . . kissed him . . . twice," Ennis said, the tears falling. "Jack, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jack." He reached out a hand to Jack's arm. Jack shook it off and stood up. "Jack . . "

Jack started for the river, bent over when he reached it. He heard Ennis's footsteps behind him. "Leave me alone."

"Jack, please."

Jack turned, his eyes dark with anger. "Goddammit, Ennis! Give me a fuckin' minute!" He walked away, down the river, and behind a stand of trees, where he stopped and braced himself against a strong trunk, each breath ripped out of him by an iron fist. He wiped away the tears that fell, hot and angry. Long minutes passed before he was able to take a deep breath. He took a few more steadying breaths before walking back to where he'd left Ennis.

"You kissed him?" he asked, without preamble. Ennis nodded. "He kiss you back?"

"Yeah."

"So, this attraction is a mutual thing?"

"I guess so."

"So, were you both laughing at me while you were making out?"

Ennis looked up quickly and said, "God, no, Jack. No. I'd never do that to you. And I know it probably don't make no difference, but we didn't make out. It was just a kiss. Only lasted a few seconds."

"When?"

"What?"

"When? When the fuck did it happen?"

"During that storm, right after the girls got there. And the day before we left fer Wyoming."

Jack put his hands over his face and turned away, feeling nauseous. "Oh fuck. Fuck!"

They stood there for a while, the harsh sound of Jack's breathing the only sound in the air. When he turned back, his face had hardened. "When did it start, Ennis? Right away?"

"No, Jack. I don't know, a few weeks ago, I guess."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? Talk about it with me? Maybe it woulda never got to the point where you felt you had ta kiss him."

"I don't know, Jack, I really don't. You were so worried about the stuff with L.D. and Bobby . . ."

"You ain't trying to say this is my fault, are you?"

"No, that ain't what I meant. Just, everything was so crazy and it just sorta happened. I thought I could handle it all on my own. I guess I couldn't."

"Are you in love with him?"

Ennis hesitated, searching his heart, before replying, "No, Jack, I'm not in love with him. You're the only one, the only one, I've ever loved." His eyes sought Jack's, his heart in his own, his stomach in knots, his heart aching, desperately wanting Jack to believe him.

Jack turned and walked away. "I need to be alone fer a bit."

Ennis stood there for a long time, watching Jack walk away and disappear in the trees near the bank of the river. After a while, he realized Jack wasn't coming right back. He went to the fire and put another log on, thinking they didn't have much firewood, so he took the saw and axe and went into the forest to look for fallen trees. He put all of his energy into cutting and chopping enough wood for several days. Jack still hadn't returned when exhaustion finally forced him to quit.

Jack was seated on a rock that jutted into the river, close to the campsite, but unseen. He heard a noise and looked up to see Ennis dive into the water. He came up and shook his hair, the droplets flying and sparkling in the sunlight. Jack's eyes lingered on the long, lean lines of Ennis's torso, the rise of his chest, the chorded muscles of his forearms, and, as he turned to dive back into the water, the flat planes of his back. Ennis disappeared under the water and Jack put his head down on his knees. He couldn't control his trembling, couldn't shake the nausea that gripped him. He wanted to hit someone and he wanted to crawl into bed and never come out. His heart felt heavy, so heavy. Is it worth it? All my love, everything I've given him? How could he do this to me? Goddammit, why? Why did he do this? He wanted to hate Ennis, wanted to hate Tyler. He scrubbed his hands over his face, as a memory came to his mind, as vibrant as if it had just happened. He and Ennis, seated on the deck, the first time they got to the farm. Jack, crying tears of happiness and Ennis, tender and sweet, knelt in front of him.

"Jack. You been askin' me fer years fer that sweet life. I was so afraid. Too afraid t' do it." He sniffed, felt the tears in his own eyes. "And then, here it is. Dropped in my lap. I'd hafta be some kind of an asshole or the world's biggest fuckin' idiot not t'know that this is my chance. But it don't mean nothin' without you, darlin'. Nothin', ya hear me?" He sniffed again. Jack still hadn't said anything or even looked at him. "But it's up t'you, Jack, if ya wanna be a part of it with me. I'll understand if ya changed yer mind." He looked down at their clasped hands, afraid that this might be true.

Jack finally looked at him, turning his head slowly. Ennis looked up to meet his eyes. "I ain't changed my mind, Ennis. I never would. I'm yours, you know that. Have been since the minute I saw you standin' in front of Aguirre's trailer." He stood up, pulling Ennis with him, and pulled him into a tight hug.

Tears sprang to his eyes, with this memory. Things had seemed so simple then. That sweet life he'd been wanting had just fallen in their laps. I shoulda realized that ain't nothin' easy. Gotta work at it. A small voice, deep inside him, asked accusingly, "Ain't things worth more, the harder ya gotta work for 'em? What makes love any different? People make mistakes, you oughta know that, Jack, well as anyone. Maybe more."

He looked out at the water and saw Ennis heading for the shore, his shoulders slumped. Jack stood up and went back to their camp, emerged from the trees just as Ennis was pulling on a clean t-shirt, went to the fire and sat down.

"You hungry, Jack?"

"No, but I could use a drink."

"All we got is soda or some coffee still hot from this morning."

"Take a cup o' that, then."

Ennis poured them each one and sat down across from him, the silence wearing heavy between them. Finally, Ennis asked softly, "Jack, ain't you ever been attracted to anyone besides me? You ever kissed someone else?"

Blue eyes narrowed and burned into him, then looked away. The question hung between them for a long time, until Jack said, "Yeah, I have."

Ennis looked away, swallowed hard, looked back. "You ever done more than kiss?"

"Ennis."

"Jack."

"You really wanna know?"

"I think I need to know."

"Truth is, yeah, I done more than kissing with other guys."

"More?" Ennis whispered, his voice full of disbelief. "No, Jack, you're just sayin' that to hurt me 'cause I hurt you."

Jack's eyes softened a bit. "No, I ain't Ennis."

Ennis shook his head and Jack barely heard the whispered, "When?"

"Ennis . . ."

"Jack, when, goddammit!"

"After we met up here, after we left. I didn't think I'd see you ever again."

"But what about after we got back together? You do anything after that?"

"Ennis, were never together until this spring when you asked me to live with you and share a life with you. I never knew for sure if I'd be seeing you again." His heartache gave his words more bite than intended.

"What do you mean, we weren't together? Yes, we were! In my heart, we were."

"You were married to Alma."

"But my heart was yours!"

"Ennis, I ain't like you! You got no fuckin' idea how bad it got. I couldn't make it on a couple of high altitude fucks once or twice a year. There were times I wish I'd known how to quit you."

"Why didn't you, then? Save us both a lot of fuckin' heartache."

"Because I couldn't! Don't you understand? I love you, too. Loved you from the beginning, too. But I ain't as strong as you, Ennis!"

"You are too, Jack, you just didn't wanna be strong." He turned his face away, swallowed hard before looking back, eyes burning, "So, what, if I go away fer a few days, to get the girls or something, you gonna find someone to fill my place fer that time? 'Cause you can't keep yer dick in yer pants?"

"You're the one that found someone else while we've been living together."

"I didn't fuck Tyler!" He stood and turned away, his fists clenched at his sides.

"But you wanted to."

Ennis whirled around, jaw tight, eyes bright with tears unshed. "Maybe I did want to, I don't know. But I didn't do it, Jack!"

The words hung between them for a long time, until, unable to stop himself, Ennis asked, "Did you love any of them other guys?"

"No, Ennis. I don't even remember their names."

Ennis laughed, a harsh sound with no humor in it. "I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse."

"I'm sorry."

Ennis's eyes narrowed as he contemplated Jack's face for a moment, then he turned and walked away.

"Where are you going?"

Ennis stopped and turned around, his fists still clenched tight, knuckles white. "I gave you your time, Jack, now I need some." Jack was chilled by the coldness in his voice.

Ennis stumbled blindly through the trees, his eyes full of pictures of Jack and other men, seeing them with their dicks in his mouth, in his ass; picturing those lips, that he thought were only for him, wrapped around someone else's cock. He stumbled and fell to his knees, sobbing and retching. He heaved until nothing else came up and still his stomach clenched. When it finally stopped, he crawled away and lay on the ground, tears leaking from his eyes. He lay there for a long time, unable to move, unable to banish the pictures from his head. He must have dozed off for a while, because he became aware that the horrible images were gone, replaced with a memory.

"Jack, truth is . . . I . . . I'm scared." His voice was rough. "I don' want ta go through another thirteen years like we done. I been miserable my whole fuckin' life . . . 'cept when I'm with you, darlin'," he finished softly. He took out a cigarette, lit it, took a long drag, said stronger, "I ain't feelin' sorry fer m'self and I ain't blamin' no one. My lot in life–ain't no ones fault, it's jus' the way it is." He sighed and took another long drag on the cigarette, passed it to Jack for a drag. "I tol' ya once that if ya can't fix it, ya gotta stand it. I was wrong, Jack. I was wrong, an' I'm sorry. I know now that it shoulda been the other way 'round. If ya can't stand somethin' ya gotta fix it. I reckon I'm gettin' some kinda chance ta fix things. I don' wanna fuck it up, Jack." He rubbed his eyes with his palms and finally looked over to meet Jack's eyes again.

Jack tossed the cigarette out the window and pulled over on a deserted side road. Ennis just looked at him with a question in his eyes. When the truck stopped, Jack turned to Ennis and reached out for him. Ennis went instinctively into Jack's arms, his face in Jack's neck. "I'm scared, too, Ennis." He pulled back a little, put his hands on the sides of Ennis's face and drew him close for a soft kiss. "I'm scared, but I got somethin' in my heart I ain't had fer a long time. Too long. I got hope . . . hope fer us, Ennis, and I ain't lettin' that go jus' yet." He kissed him again, longer this time. "I love you, Ennis. I know we ain't never said that afore and you don't gotta say it back if you can't, but I want ya ta know how I feel."

Ennis dropped his eyes, felt tears forming in them, felt like his tongue was tied in a damn knot, unable to speak. He cleared his throat, looked up and met Jack's lips with his own in a desperate kiss that went on and on. Ennis felt himself fall apart, breaking into a million tiny pieces, only to be put back together almost immediately. In this rebuilding, he felt a change in himself, an acceptance of the part of himself that he had always pushed down and beaten away in a desperate attempt not to face it. When he broke the kiss, he pulled back only far enough to rest his head against Jack's. "Darlin'. . ."

Jack drew further back, met Ennis's eyes, moved forward to kiss him again. A soft kiss. He drew back, eyes met again, then another kiss. Jack drew back one more time, his eyes only making it open half-way, darkened with desire, longing, and hope.

The light began to fade before he sat up and walked slowly back to their camp.

Jack had made supper, a steak and baked potato for each of them, so Ennis forced himself to eat a little, noticed Jack didn't eat much either. They finished and Ennis washed the dishes. While he was at the river, Jack went to bed, but Ennis didn't follow until much later. When he did go in the tent, he saw Jack hadn't separated the sleeping bags, so he crawled in next to him, making sure he didn't touch him.

Jack felt Ennis come to bed, but kept his back to him and his breathing even. When he thought Ennis was sleeping, he turned over. He looked at Ennis's face in the dark and was surprised when his eyes opened and he saw himself reflected in the dark depths. They stared at each other for a long time, their faces inches apart.

"Well," Jack said softly, "This is a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation."

"Yeah."

"I don't know what's worse, Ennis, me having meaningless sex with strangers when you thought I was bein' true, or you, kissing and having emotional feelings for someone when we're living together."

"I don't know either, Jack. Not right now, I don't. All I know is I'm fuckin' tired and I don't wanna fight no more tonight. I just wanna go to sleep."

"Yeah, me too."

Silence filled the tent, but neither slept for a long time.

Ennis awoke in the morning, surrounded by warmth and a heaviness across his chest and legs. Sometime during the night, Jack had draped himself over Ennis, which was a common occurrence, under normal circumstances. He turned his head into Jack's hair and breathed deeply, finding intense comfort in the familiar smell.

Jack had awakened before Ennis, jarred awake by something unknown. He felt Ennis beneath him and struggled with his instinct to snuggle closer and the feeling that he should, maybe even wanted to, move away. Before he could decide, though, a picture appeared before his eyes. Another morning, sunshine-bright, like this one. He and Ennis, in bed, facing each other.

It was Jack who broke the silence. "I think I could stay here the whole day."

Ennis smiled finally. "Yeah, ya are kinda lazy sometimes, bud."

Jack didn't take the bait. "I mean here with you, asshole."

"Oh, well, when ya put it so sweetly . . ." Ennis smirked at him.

They were silent for a while longer, their grins fading to solemness.

Jack broke the silence again, "I mean it, Ennis, I could stay here with you, forever."

Ennis watched Jack's face, this face that he loved and worshiped, had memorized every detail of. Finally, he spoke, "Would you?"

Jack blinked, his blue eyes widening the tiniest bit, unsure he'd heard right, wanting to ask, lightly, Would I what? or Is that a proposal? but he knew that might spook Ennis. He hesitated, trying to control his heart, which had started beating so fast he thought for sure it was going to beat right out of his chest. Jack knew this for the sacred moment it was and all thought of making light disappeared. "Yeah, Ennis, I would. I will, if you're askin' what I think you're askin'."

Ennis, whose own heart had started beating out of control the moment the question left his lips, felt a peace settle over him. It was a feeling he'd never experienced before. "I am." His brown eyes met the blue ones and neither looked away for a long time.

When Ennis turned his head, Jack knew he was awake, so he sat up, his back almost to Ennis. "So, what d'ya think we oughta do? Guess we both hurt each other real bad," he said.

"Guess we did." Ennis sat up, felt their knees touch under the sleeping bag as they sat, side by side. "You were right, though, all those years, I had no claim on you. You were free t'do what you wanted. It's my fault we were apart. I'm sorry, Jack."

"Don't say that, Ennis. I knew what we had. In my heart, we were together too. I don't know why I did the things I did, except that I know I ain't as strong as you were. And Ennis, I lied to you right from the very beginning. I knew I was queer–always have. I wish . . . I wish it hadn't taken Tyler to make you realize it in yourself. Wish I coulda been enough for you."

"Oh, Jack, I'm so sorry. I got no excuses. I'm sorry I let it happen. But, Jack, you're the one I love. The only one. I hope you know that, if you don't know nothin' else."

Jack heard the tears, heard the anguish in Ennis's voice. He turned, finally, and took Ennis in his arms. They clung together and the wounds they'd inflicted upon each other, for years, began to knit and heal. It was a start. They drew back from the hug and looked into each others' eyes, seeing the truth in them, then leaned in for a tentative kiss. In that kiss, they realized that broken hearts can be mended, that redemption and forgiveness can make a person stronger, if given a chance. Things could not be torqued back to where they had been, but they could go on from here and grow from their mistakes.