TAG: I don't think I've ever had such a short amount of time between updates... Well, anyway! Happy holidays, everybody!
The disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, but I'm getting the DVDs for Christmas. Yessss. As usual, some letters are by me, some aren't. And now, read!


Hey everybody, it's Ed! I'm sitting around watching some people put up the tree for the military Christmas Eve party. They actually got it up like a half hour ago, but it fell down when Fuery tried to put an ornament on it. Well, maybe it would be more stable if stupid Mustang hadn't singed the bottom of the trunk off to get it to fit in the stand. Sniff, sniff. Smells like burnt toast.

Dear Ed,

My mom made me start a present wrapping service. I'm really bored of it, I hate wrapping presents, and it's so lame to spend the whole day sitting behind a table outside of Safeway. What should I do?

-Paper Hater

Dear Paper Hater,

You can't wrap presents without wrapping paper, right? If you use so much wrapping paper that your mom gets sick of buying it, then she might let you stop. I'd suggest wrapping the shopping carts, or even your table. Also, you might need to actually go inside the store and start wrapping things, like the fruit and cans and stuff. If someone asks you what you're doing tell them you're making grocery shopping more fun by having special surprises for the customers to unwrap.

Dear Ed,

What should you do if you steal your younger sister's eggnog, chug it, and it turns out to be alcoholic? Also, is there any kind of alchemic trick that would get it to snow...incesantly...? Lastly, if your same sister caused your Christmas tree to go on a rampage to get her eggnog back, can I get it to go after Mustang instead?

Signed, The Silver Alchemist

Dear Silver Alchemist,

I'm going to answer this out of order, because it's just asking for it. First, or second, an alchemic trick for incessant snow: Get a hose and transmute the water or ice inside into snow, then spray it into the air. Actually, I've never tried that, but it sounds kind of fun. And first or second or third: If this eggnog you chugged happens to be alcoholic, and your sister wants it back so bad she makes the Christmas tree go on a rampage, then yes, under any circumstances, the tree should go after Mustang. One more thing- Why exactly was your younger sister drinking alcoholic eggnog? Do they even make alcoholic eggnog? If that's the case, what about alcoholic hot chocolate?

Dear Edward,

I have this aunt. She's started sending my family this really gross jello for Christmas instead of presents. We all hate the jello, but we send her a thank you card saying we liked it so we don't hurt her feelings. What can we do so she stops sending the jello? Not even our dog likes it.

-Jello Jitters

Dear Jitters,

She sends jello in the MAIL? This has gone too far. What you need is a plan of action, something that will tell her you don't want the jello without actually really telling her. I would suggest sending the jello back with a thank you card, something that says "Thanks for the great jello! We had lots of fun with it." That way she will be really confused and kind of scared about what the heck you did with it. If she sends you one next year, hopefully not the same one, then just do the same thing, except include a bunch of pictures of the jello in various parts of your house.

Dear Ed,

Every year I use an anime/manga character as my star on my christmas tree and i always use a material related to the series, such as a clear pvc (or heavy duty plastic) for inuyasha (symbolizing the shikon jewel). The problem is, this year, im using you as my tree-topper but the material that popped into my head was metal. so i worked for about week (its hard to figure out the math for metal working!) and after i had it all ready, polished, smoothed, shining, i placed it on my tree. Well...being metal and my tree needing a very large topper, it was too heavy and fell off denting my hardwood floor...i was not a happy camper...but ANYWAY! there's less then a week till christmas and my tree doesnt have a topper! i dont know what to make it out of that will be quick and easy. Please give me some help.

signed,
Tree-topper Trouble12-25

Dear Tree-topper,

Hmmmm. You know, something really fun to do would be an edible material, like cheese, or chocolate. Heck, make it a cheese/chocolate mix. You could make a mold out of… tupperware or something, then pour in your melted cheesolate and freeze it for a while. Then you'll have a really cool tree topper that you can eat when Christmas is over! If it's too heavy, I'd go with jello, or frosting, or sugar. The possibilities are endless. Good luck.

Dear Ed,

How do I light Hanukah candles without starting a fire?

-Tam

Dear Tam,

You need what I like to call a "Blower." A Blower is a person who stands next to you while you're lighting the candles, and if one tips over onto the tablecloth and is about to set up in flames, the Blower will begin blowing furiously to put the fire out before it gets too big. In case your Blower hyperventilates, you might need more than one.

dear ed

hi agian but i have another question for you. my brother has this best friend he's a total brat and loves to do anything he can to annoy me. yet i'm still expected to get him a gift any suggestions.

From rosie

Dear Rosie,

This would be the perfect chance to break out

ED'S GREAT GUIDE TO GIFT-GIVING.

Section 1: Gifts for People You Actually Like.

If you're shopping for someone you actually want to make happy on Christmas, and it's not for some reason like "They gave me a gift, so now I have to return the favor" or "I want to look really nice, so I'll go buy some crap for everybody," then you need to give them something meaningful.

EASY

Chocolate.

MEDIUM

Buy them something they'll like, but buy it cheap, because you've got lots more shopping to do. Usually asking them what they want works to, but if you want to surprise them, be more subtle. Having someone else ask them and then tell you counts.

HARD

Get them something they'll remember forever. Something obscure and kind of strange works, but it would be even better if it were something you know they've wanted for a really long time. Hand-made gifts also go under this category because they actually take work. (Not for me, though. Clap. Shine. Woohoo, free present!)

Section 2: Gifts for People that You Don't Really Like but are Inclined to Buy For

You don't really care what they want, but you know you have to buy something for them and you want it to look good. Or maybe you don't.

EASY

Gift card.

MEDIUM

Two gifts cards.

HARD

A gift card and a fruit basket.

So, in answer to the question above, buy this kid a gift card. Since he's a brat, use some of the gift card first before giving it to him. And if he's a REAL big brat, get him a half-used gift card to Claire's or some other girly jewelry store.

Dear Ed

What could I send Col. Mustang for christmas? Just wondering...

-Leena IX

Dear Leena,

I'm glad you asked! This is an age old question at the military. What to get Colonel Mustang? I, personally, got him a gift card and one of those lotion/shampoo/cheap soap baskets. I know he'll end up giving the basket to Riza, so I kind of got her a present at the same time. Kill two birds with one bath fizzy! Anyway, I'd suggest giving him something he might actually use, like a new phone, since he's always slamming his, or a Hello Kitty stationary set, because that would just be plain funny. You can always resort to lame joke gifts referring to him being the Flame Alchemist. An example is a duraflame log. I think I gave him one of those last year.

Dear Ed,

People always get me things I don't like. Should I ask them to include receipts with the gifts they buy me?

-darcy-san12

Dear Darcy-san,

Tell everyone you're becoming a world-renowned receipt collector. They'll think it's cute and go along with it.

Dear Ed,

yo. wat's up? what's your favorite christmas song? i like "grandma got run over by a raindeer". it's funny.

- egyptgrl

Dear egyptgrl,

My all time favorite Christmas song is kind of like yours, except it's called "Bob the Crazy Chimera Reindeer." It's pretty funny; it's got lots of stuff about Bob running over homunculi, and how he has to eat fruitcake in order to fly. People start giving their fruitcake to him so he can fly to the downtown mall and save Christmas by running over a homunculi who was going down the up escalator. Those darned homunculi.

Dear Ed,

This year I'm not tacking any chances. I'm avoiding the mistletoe compleatly. Have you ever been cought under the mistletoe? I once even tryed to knock it down and hide it. But my mom found it.

-Mistletoe Hider 128

Dear Mistletoe Hider,

Why don't you want to go under the mistletoe? Well, I guess I can understand that… sometimes when I end up underneath some, some really strange people come over… But sometimes someone really cute will show up! For the avoiding thing, I'd tape it to someone's head, then stay away from that person. That way your mom can't get angry for you taking it down, because it technically is up!

Dear Ed,

Harriet's Helpful Hints Special Christmas Column presents a special guide to holiday party etiquette! Whether you're hosting or attending, you need to make sure you're dressed and set properly for one of the biggest holidays of the year. We'll cover everything from the best party attire to the greatest utensils! We also have letters from readers and special holiday recipes and crafts, including a gorgeous ornament wreath for you to make and hang for everyone to admire at your party. There's also a special pull-out section with

SNORKLEHEMIER! STOP SPAMMING MY COLUMN!

Dear Ed,

My tree sucks. Every year we get a new stand, sometimes even a new tree, but it always falls over. What should we do?

-Mad Maddy

Dear Maddy,

As I'm answering this letter I'm watching my friends struggle to put up their own tree. I wonder what it is exactly with trees and not staying put when you're trying to get them up. But, I've had some years of experience with trees, and I can help you with your dilemma. My first plan of action would be to transmute the tree to the floor, but not a lot of people can pull that off . My next suggestion would be to do what Al and I attempted one year- adjusting the stand so the tree could lean against the wall a little. When it ended up falling through the wall when the stand snapped, we tried balancing the trunk on either end with some heavy objects. Turned out those heavy objects just made the tree swerve and smash through another wall. There was some experimentation with staking the tree to the ground (Al's idea) and superglue (my idea) until we finally found the right way to get the tree to stand up! I stole Mustang's chair and propped it against the back of the tree. The tree was a little crooked, and his chair will never smell the same again, but it lasted the entire season. Until the chair slipped out and the tree smashed through another wall.

Dear Ed Baby,

I'm so excited for my best Christmas gift ever! YOU COMING TO SEE ME! I was going to wait for you to come but I'm going to tell you the special surprise- I put mistletoe on every square inch of the ceiling of the house I broke into so when you come through the door, we'll have to kiss wherever we go! Not like we weren't going to do that anyway. But I have the sexiest X-mas dress EVER and I want you to come see me in it Eddie! You are my husband after all. I didn't get you a gift but I know you won't mind cause just seeing me is the best gift ever right? Oh and I know you feel bad for what your brother said to me in the last column. He's so mean, it's not like he could ever get rid of our love! And he threatened me, too! I know you're upset sweetheart but don't worry he can't hurt me cause you'll protect me. Love love love love love love love

-Mrs. Brianna Sherman Elric XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

……… PROTECT YOU! I'M THE ONE WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU! You're right, Al can't get rid of our love because THERE'S NO LOVE TO GET RID OF! THIS IS IT! I AM GOING TO GET RID OF THIS STALKER ONCE AND FOR ALL! I MUST BEGIN BRIANNA SHERMAN EXTERMINATION PHASE 1. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dear ed,

My mom is really good at making cookies, and so are my two brothers and my dad. But whenever i try to make cookies they always get all burnt and when i put frosting on them it tastes like ashes with frosting on it. How do i not burn the cookies?

-candis miko

Dear candis miko,

You have to take them out of the oven before they start smoking.

Dear Ed,

My sister spells the word 'Hanukah' with a c. My mom says that it works either way but it sounds like 'channikah' to me. Which one of us is right?

-Susan

Dear Susan,

Hmmm. I don't know, but I think a c is a very important letter. I mean, just look at all the haos that an ensue without that letter! I an understand all of your opinions, but if someone deided to put the 'c' there in the first plae, than maybe it needs to be there. But maybe you're right, beause it ompletely hanges the spelling, doesn't it? I think, though, that your mom is right, sine it an probably work either way.

Dear Ed,

It's Al! Sorry to bother you, but I'm at the grocery store with Lieutenant Hawkeye; I told you I was going to stick around headquarters but she said she needed some help. We were wondering what kind of party tray to buy. There's one that has lots of cheese and crackers and such, but we didn't know if we should do that, or go more for an appetizer tray- like taquitos and quiche. Actually, it would be great if you could come help us out. We're at the one a few blocks from headquarters. Sorry to bother you, again. Oh, and be careful walking; it's really slippery.

Love, Al

Dear Al,

I can't believe you text messaged that whole paragraph to me on a cell phone. See you there.

Love, Ed.

Well, I guess this means I've got to go. Thanks for the letters; except for two, they were all great. Have a really awesome holiday! I've got to go get ready for the military party. Or, go to the grocery store, then get ready. Well, first I have to send this, then get my shoes, and start walking to the grocery store, then…


TAG: Thanks for reading, yay! See you next time! Make sure to send your letters in a review or to dearedwardelric at yahoo dot com. Oh, and if you get anything super cool for Christmas, make sure to tell Ed about it...