Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jack heard the tears, heard the anguish in Ennis's voice. He turned, finally, and took Ennis in his arms. They clung together and the wounds they'd inflicted upon each other, for years, began to knit and heal. They drew back from the hug and looked into each others' eyes, seeing the truth in them, then leaned in for a tentative kiss. In that kiss, they realized that broken hearts can be mended, that redemption and forgiveness can make a person stronger, if given a chance. Things could not be torqued back to where they had been, but they could go on from here and grow from their mistakes.
They drew apart, their eyes locked, not wavering, until Jack started to smile. Seeing those lips lift and the starshine sparkle come into those blue, blue eyes, Ennis couldn't stop his own lips from smiling. The brown eyes, so recently dark and opaque, became lit from within, the color of honey lit through with sunshine. Hesitant smiles became grins and Jack leaned forward and met Ennis's lips for another kiss, then stood up.
"I'm hungry. How 'bout you? Feel like helping me make breakfast?"
"Anything you want, darlin'."
They dressed quickly, their eyes skipping to each other in bursts and then away again. They stepped out into the day, which was already bright in the fading summer sun.
"You want bacon or sausage?" Jack asked, from the cooler.
"It don't matter to me, Jack. Make what you want."
"Okay, then, we're having sausage," he said, knowing it was Ennis's favorite.
Ennis stood at the door of the tent, feeling tender and unsure of himself, like a stranger in his own skin. He watched Jack with new eyes, aware of Jack–the way he moved, the grace that guided every movement. Ennis frequently felt awkward and unsure of himself, but he was not envious of Jack; it was just one of the things he loved so much about him. How could I have taken this–him–for granted for so long? Ennis thought, shame and guilt creeping back into his heart. Jack suddenly stopped and turned to look at Ennis, a smile on his face. Somehow, he seemed to sense Ennis's uneasiness and with that one smile, he eased it a bit. Ennis stirred from his reverie and moved to the fire to make a pot of coffee, something he'd gotten very good at since their first trip here to Brokeback.
"I feel like takin' a swim," Jack said, when they'd finished eating. "Wanna join me?" He asked, over his shoulder, getting them each a towel and the bar of soap they'd brought along for washing.
"Sure." Ennis followed Jack to the water, where they undressed, side by side, and stepped into the river. There was a current, but it wasn't too strong here, chugging sluggishly along. The riverbed was rocky and the water felt cool, but refreshing. Jack stopped when the water reached his waist and turned to Ennis, a step behind him, and took his hands. He held them, palms up, as if reading the future in them. There was a crinkle above his brows and it saddened Ennis, knowing he'd put it there. Jack raised Ennis's hands and placed a kiss inside each palm, before slowly raising his head, their eyes meeting.
"Jack . . ."
Jack shook his head. "Don't say it, Ennis."
"Jack, darlin'."
"Ennis . . ." he warned, leaned in, and sealed Ennis's lips with a kiss, then put his arms around him, and pulled him under the water.
Ennis came up sputtering and when he opened his eyes he was met with a huge grin on Jack's face. "Payback fer that suckerpunch you gave me."
"That was thirteen fuckin' years ago, asshole."
"Guess I surprised ya then," Jack replied, slipping down into the water.
Ennis reached for Jack's hands under the water, linked their fingers together when he found them, and pulled him closer, their noses almost touching. "I s'pose you did." He kissed Jack gently, pulling on his bottom lip for a heartbeat, feeling Jack's tongue touch his.
"I'm gonna get the soap and wash up. I'm getting kinda cold," Jack said, standing up and heading for the shore for the soap he'd left there. Ennis watched him spin the soap in his hands, working up a lather, then reached for the soap himself.
"Here, let me help you," he said, lathering up. He went around behind Jack and ran his soapy hands over his back, up the strong shoulders, and then to Jack's neck, running his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. Jack arched his head back, so Ennis went higher, working a lather into the dark hair.
"God, Ennis, that feels good," Jack said, his whole body visibly relaxing. Ennis continued massaging his scalp, then ran his hands down to his shoulders and onto his chest. Jack leaned back, tilting his head back so Ennis had better access to the front of his body, where he continued his massaging and sudsing, until Jack slipped under the water to rinse off. He came up and reached for the soap. "Your turn."
Ennis felt himself relax under Jack's ministrations. "Imagine how good this'd feel in a bathtub full o' warm water," he said, just as Jack pulled him back to his chest to reach Ennis's front.
"I think we might just halfta try that when we get home. I bet we'd fit real good in that big claw foot tub."
"Or the sauna. There's a shower there. We haven't even used that, yet."
"Been too hot."
"Somethin' t'look forward to, then," Ennis replied, just before he slipped under the water to rinse off. They finished washing and returned to the shore, dried off, and dressed in clean t-shirts and jeans.
Jack started cleaning up, but Ennis felt the need to sit and be still. He found a comfortable spot under a tree, facing the river, and settled back. He watched an eagle soar by overhead, its wings spread as it almost floated on the air, like a whisper on the wind. He remembered someone told him once that eagles were good omens. He heard a noise and turned to see Jack approaching, a half-smile on his face. Jack stopped when he got to Ennis's side, as if waiting for something.
"Come 'ere," Ennis said softly and opened his arms. Jack came down, but instead of sitting by him, as Ennis expected, he laid down on the ground, his long legs stretched out and crossed, his head on Ennis's lap. Ennis looked down and smoothed the dark hair back from Jack's forehead, then rested his arm across Jack's chest. Jack sighed and closed his eyes. "You gonna take a nap?" Ennis asked.
"I just might." Jack's lips curled into a smile as he opened his eyes and reached up, took one of Ennis's curls in his fingers and stroked it gently. "Your hair is so soft." Jack eyes lingered on Ennis's face, taking in the creamy skin, the light smattering of freckles, the feather-soft eyebrows and the eyes framed by softly curling lashes. He lingered longest on the lips, the bottom one full and made to be pulled into Jack's mouth, the top one curved like a perfect bow. He smiled to see Ennis's cheeks turn to a rosy glow. "You're blushing."
"Am not," Ennis replied, his cheeks darkening further.
"Yes, you are. You're so beautiful, Ennis," he said, his hand moving from blond curls to stroke the burning cheek.
Ennis shook his head, "Knock it off, Jack."
"You don't believe me?"
"Think maybe yer teasin' me."
"I'm not. You should know by now, Ennis, that I think yer the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The day I saw you, was like a light turned on in my life. I'll be honest, sometimes that light goes a little dim, 'specially all them years we only saw each other a couple o' times, but it ain't never gone out completely. And some days, Ennis . . . Some days it shines so bright I can hardly look at it for fear of goin' blind." He stopped and looked up at the sky. "You know that star at the tip of the big dipper–the north star? That's the brightest star we can see. It's so bright that sailors use it t'navigate on the ocean. Ennis, you're my northern star. I'd be lost without you." He looked back into Ennis's eyes, which had filled with tears. "I don't ever wanna lose you, baby."
Ennis sniffed and wiped his eyes with his fingers, looked down and took Jack's hands in his. "You said a couple times yesterday that I was the strong one." He looked away and then back again. "I want you t'know, Jack, that I think you were always the strong one. The one willing to take risks, to make the trip up here, no matter how long we had t'wait in between. The one who had everything and left it all, just t'be with me. It didn't take much strength fer me t'stay stuck in one place fer all them years. If you'd decided not t'come back one year, I don't know if I woulda had the strength to go look fer you. I prob'ly woulda stayed there, stuck in my miserable fuckin' life," he finished softly.
Jack drew their entwined hands to his lips, kissed Ennis's hands, and said, "You would have come fer me. It might've taken you a while, but you would've done it." He looked into Ennis's eyes, "I know you would've."
"Shit, Jack, you got more faith in me than I ever had. I don't deserve it."
Jack sat up quickly and looked at Ennis, his jaw clenched. "That's what most o' your problem is, Ennis. You don't think you deserve nothin' good. Well, it ain't true! You deserve . . . you deserve to be happy, Ennis. And it'd make me happy if you can find your happiness with me. But if you can't, if you'll be happier with someone else, than so be it. It'd break my heart t'have t'leave you, but in the end, all I want, all I've ever wanted, is for you to be happy," he finished softly, his heart in his eyes.
Ennis reached out and pulled Jack into his arms, so tight his own arms hurt, so he knew he was probably hurting Jack, but he didn't loosen his grip. "I want you, darlin', just you. You make me happy." He finally loosened his grip and drew back to look deep in Jack's eyes. "I only want you. Understand?" Jack nodded, his eyes filling with tears. "Understand, Jack? Only you. I love you so much, Jack . . . so much . . ."
Jack nodded again, the tears falling. He wiped them away, then put his hands on Ennis's cheeks and leaned in to kiss him. It started as a gentle kiss, but quickly spiraled deeper and deeper. They were both on their knees now, their bodies pressed together. Jack had one hand tangled in Ennis's curls, the other pressing into the small of his back, trying to pull him closer, if possible. Ennis's hands were on each side of Jack's face, feeling the rough stubble against his palms. He pulled back slightly, slowed down, took one last taste of Jack with his tongue, then sat back against the tree.
"Come on, lay back down," he said, tugging Jack's hand. Jack obliged and Ennis looked down at him, stroked his cheek gently, ran his thumb across the full, rose-tinted lips, and brushed the dark hair off his forehead. He looked into Jack's eyes. Eyes that belonged on an angel, they were so beautiful. Eyes that were clear and open and filled with a love so strong Ennis almost felt he needed to look away, that he wasn't worthy of such love. But he remembered Jack's words and he didn't look away. He held his gaze steady for many long minutes, until finally Jack himself broke their connection with a yawn.
Ennis smiled and said, "Go to sleep, if ya want to, Jack. I'll hold ya fer as long as ya want." Jack clasped Ennis's hand in both of his as he closed his eyes.
Beau put the curry comb in its place on the shelf and turned around. At the same time, Tyler latched the door to Pepper's stall and turned and their eyes met. Tyler looked away, his stomach in knots. They hadn't talked about anything not work-related since their kiss two nights ago. The tension had grown between them to the point that even Dayle and Dwayne commented on it, wondering out loud what was going on.
The thought of what had happened had not left Tyler's mind. He'd already been a jumble of emotion when Ennis and Jack left. Not only because he knew that when they returned, things would be different. Jack and Ennis had gone through so much to be together and he knew the attraction between him and Ennis had to be over. He was sure that they would work things out while they were gone. He felt a little sad, at losing Ennis entirely, but realized that he couldn't lose something he never really had. He also felt, strangely, comfort and hope. If two men like Jack and Ennis could find a way to be together, he knew that it was possible for him to find it, too. When Beau kissed him, it released something inside him; it opened a part of him he'd thought closed and locked up. Yes, he'd been attracted to Ennis, but that had grown from the familiarity that they were so much alike and it seemed natural that they should be attracted to one another. Beau, however, was different. He was worldly and experienced. He'd been places and seen things, and most likely, had a lot more experience with love and sex than Tyler ever had or ever known anyone who had. And yet, there was a soft side to Beau that Tyler was beginning to notice. He was gentle and tender with the animals and the children, which said a lot to Tyler.
Beau stepped forward, drawing Tyler's eyes back to him. "Tyler, I just wanted to say that, well, about what happened the other night . . . I didn't mean to come on so strong."
"You didn't. I wanted it just as much as you did."
"It's just that, I know you have feelings for Ennis and I don't want to be your rebound guy. I've had my heart broken before and I don't want to go through it again."
Tyler looked at him, his eyes soft. This wasn't what he expected.
"Beau, nothing is going on between me and Ennis. I mean, yes, I won't deny I'm attracted to him and I know . . . I know it was mutual. But, it's done. Ennis and Jack–they belong together. Anyone can see that. I couldn't live with myself if I broke that up. Now that I've had a few days to think clearly, I can see what a mistake I was making." He paused and looked down at his hands, before going on, "When you and I kissed, it felt good. It felt . . . right. Does that make sense?"
Beau looked at him without replying. Tyler was still looking at his hands, so he stepped forward and put his hand under his chin and raised his face to meet his eyes. "It felt right to me, too." He leaned closer. "Maybe we should try it again? See how it feels?" he asked, then grinned, realizing how much it sounded like a cheap pick-up line.
Tyler smiled back. "Okay."
Beau leaned forward and touched Tyler's lips with his own, tentatively, at first, then more urgently. He felt Tyler's hands go around his waist, pulling them together. The kiss went on and on, their hands clutched each other, tangled in hair, and caressed bare skin, not breaking apart until they heard Kelly calling from the porch that supper was ready. Beau stepped back, breathing hard, his hands still on Tyler's waist, and looked into the dark eyes. He realized quickly that he could lose himself in their depths, if he wasn't careful. If he hadn't already . . .
"Come on," he took Tyler's hand and pulled him toward the door. "Let's go eat, then maybe, you feel like going out for a beer?"
"Yeah, sure," Tyler replied, a grin on his lips.
Kelly ate supper with them, giving them amused looks. "What's going on? You're both grinning like a couple of fools."
"Nothing," Beau said, not able to keep a half-smile off his face or to resist a glance at Tyler.
When they'd finished eating and Beau was in the bathroom, Kelly said, "Tyler, I haven't seen you look so happy in a long time. You don't have to tell me why, but I think I understand." She put her hand on his and said, "I hope it works out for you."
He looked at her and asked, "How are you doing? How are things going with Dwayne?"
"Things are good. I never knew what a nice guy he really was, I mean, is." She blushed. "You know what I mean."
"I know."
Jack opened his eyes slowly, aware that he was stiff from laying on the hard ground, but at the same time, it felt good to be in Ennis's arms, his head on his lap, with strong arms holding him. Ennis opened his eyes and looked down, clearly waking up himself.
"Mmm . . . musta fell asleep," Ennis said.
Jack sat up, leaned back against the tree, and pulled Ennis into his arms. "It feels so good to be here with you."
Ennis put his arms around Jack's waist and snuggled close, under Jack's chin, "Feels good t'me, too." They sat that way for a long time, not moving, relaxed into each other, until Ennis pulled away a bit and looked up at Jack. "We got something left t'talk about."
"I know."
"What're we gonna do about Tyler?"
"You trust me, Ennis?"
"'Course I do, Jack."
"Why don't you let me deal with Tyler."
Ennis looked at him for a moment, trying to read his face, which Jack kept carefully blank. "Okay, Jack." He relaxed against Jack's chest again and they sat there, together, for a long time.
