Author note: This chapter was inspired by a few songs that I want to credit. They are:
Maybe
An Angel by Heather Nova from her album Oyster
Saints
and Angels by Sara Evans from her album Born to Fly
Hold
On by Sara McLachlan from her album Fumbling Towards Ecstacy
Of course, I must credit some of the phrasing, that you will no doubt recognize, to the original master Annie Proulx.
In addition, this whole tale has really been inspired, to some extent, by the song Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen from his album The Essential Leonard Cohen. Part of my writing process involves listening to music and if a song inspires me I listen to it over and over and over and over...
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ennis stared up into the night sky, where there was not a cloud to mar the blackness lit by the stars. The uneasiness he felt all day had not quelled and, in fact, had grown inside him until it felt like his insides had melted and were sloshing around inside him like a pot of porridge.
"Jack?" Jack looked over at him, from across the fire. Ennis sat up. "I gotta tell ya something. I feel like maybe we left some things unsaid and need t'clear 'em up before we leave here." Jack didn't say anything, but he sat up and leaned forward. "I . . . you gotta know . . . I, um . . ." He looked away, feeling sick, took a deep breath, and looked back. "Jack, the truth is, there was more to . . . I mean . . . there was more to what happened with Tyler. It wasn't just the kissing. I had feelings for Tyler." He looked at Jack from under his eyelashes, to find Jack looking back calmly at him. "I care about him." Jack still didn't say anything. "Jesus, Jack, say something."
"What do you want me to say, Ennis? You want me to scream at you? You want me to hit you? Punch you? Would that make you feel better? I know you had, maybe still have, feelings for him. You wouldn't be you if you didn't." He looked at Ennis with narrowed eyes. "You planning on acting on those feelings anymore? After all we been through up here?"
"No! God, no, Jack."
"I know that. I know you, Ennis." Jack looked out in the distance, towards the river, for a long time before speaking again. "I won't lie. It don't make it easier. I don't know what'll happen when we get back. Ain't gonna be easy fer any of us. Tyler, included. Maybe him most of all," he added softly.
Ennis looked at him for a minute and then got up and walked away, into the trees. Jack watched him go, sighed, and lay back, his arms spread wide, looking up into the impossibly starry sky.
Ennis threaded his way through the trees until he could barely see the fire, his eyes filled with tears that he swiped away with shaking hands. Goddamn, I'm turnin' into a fuckin' girl, cryin' all the time. A suppressed sob escaped from his lungs as he bent forward, trying to gain control of himself. It was too much for him, too much for a man who was so used to suppressing his feelings. He was used to not getting what he wanted. He was used to not wanting anything because he'd never gotten it anyway. Until now. Until Jack. Jack, who's suddenly Old Man River, the sage of the forest, the wise man on the mountain. When the hell did that happen? Was it always there and I didn't know it? A fresh wave of guilt overtook him and brought him to his knees. His stomach was roiling, his head pounding, his entire being overcome with emotion so strong he didn't know how to deal with it. He looked up and saw someone in front of him, pale and shining, illuminated in the darkness. Ennis wiped his eyes.
"Ennis?" he heard. A whispered question, a whispered plea, a whispered reassurance.
Ennis put his arms out and was gathered into a warm embrace and held close. Strong hands stroked his sweat-matted hair as he grasped fistfuls of Jack's white t-shirt. "Shh . . . it's alright. Everything's gonna be alright," Jack whispered, falling to the earth with Ennis and holding him close.
It was a long time before Ennis's breathing returned to normal, but still he leaned into Jack, drawing strength from him. Finally, he drew back and put his hands on Jack's face and looked into his eyes. He wanted desperately to say something, anything, to explain how he felt, but he couldn't.
Jack pulled him close and kissed him fiercely. Ennis relaxed into him, allowing Jack to be in control, succumbing, finally, to the knowledge that this man knew him better than anyone–better than he knew himself, sometimes. Jack kissed his lips gently, than placed kisses on Ennis's closed eyes, his temples, down his cheek, and at the sensitive spot under his jaw. He moved to his ear and licked around it gently before whispering softly, "Ennis, darlin', I want to make love with you."
Ennis melted inside. His insides, already porridge, turned to molten lava. He ran his hands up Jack's back, to the place where his wings should be, then met his lips for a kiss that swirled quickly out of control. He pulled Jack's tongue into his mouth and sucked hard on it, earning a low moan from Jack.
Jack guided Ennis down to lie on his back, then straddled his legs, still kissing, stopping only when Ennis had to move a pinecone or two from underneath him. Jack's fingers moved to the buttons on Ennis's flannel shirt, undoing them one at a time, then he slid his hands up under the t-shirt beneath it. He ran his hands over the smooth skin, felt Ennis buck when he hit a ticklish spot and felt the smile against his lips.
Ennis pushed Jack's t-shirt up and pulled it over his arms, barely breaking apart to do it. He ran his hands down Jack's sides, then along the waistband of his jeans, until he reached the belt buckle, which he unclasped, then moved to the buttons on Jack's jeans, pulling each one open slowly. When he was done, he slipped his hand inside, to touch the silky hot fire within. He caressed it gently, his fingers wrapped around its hard length. Jack sucked in his breath and pulled away, resting his head on Ennis's chest, fighting for control.
Ennis ran his other hand down Jack's back as Jack raised his head and met his lips again, kissing him with reverence. Their kisses grew urgent and low moans came from deep within each of them. Ennis ducked his head to kiss Jack's neck, then pushed Jack's jeans down, needing to feel him, his skin, under his hands. Jack sat up and pulled his boots and jeans off, settled himself between Ennis's legs and leaned in to kiss him again. Their bodies strained together, their harsh breaths and low moans cutting the night around them. Ennis wrapped his leg behind Jack's, pulled him even closer, and got lost in the feeling of Jack's lips on his, Jack's tongue in his mouth, until Jack pulled back, still on his knees between Ennis's legs, an amused look on his face.
"What?" Ennis asked, raising himself to his elbows.
"Well, it don't hardly seem fair."
"What don't?" Ennis asked, his brow wrinkling.
Jack leaned forward and planted a long, wet kiss on Ennis's stomach, where a narrow crescent of skin was visible between his shirt and the top of his jeans. "I'm completely naked," he said, then stopped to leave another wet kiss next to the first one. "And you're completely clothed." Ennis dropped his head back, completely undone. Jack pushed Ennis's t-shirt up and left a trail of wet kisses as he went. Without raising his head, he reached to pull Ennis's flannel shirt down his arms. Ennis started to raise up to help him, but Jack gently held him down, continuing his kisses on the soft fabric of Ennis's t-shirt, up to his neck, and then back to his lips. Jack sat up and unbuckled Ennis's belt, unbuttoned his jeans, and slid the zipper down slowly. Ennis tried to sit up again, but Jack put his hand on his chest and shook his head. "Wait." Jack put his hand down Ennis's jeans and gave a gentle pull on the hardness inside for a moment, then removed his hand.
"Jack . . ." Ennis said, trying to sit up.
"Wait." Jack breathed the word like a prayer. He pulled Ennis's boots and socks off, letting his hands linger on each foot, massaging the sensitive arch of each, then ran his hands up each pant leg, felt the strength in the calves and the hair that tickled his palms. He took his hands out and reached up to tug the jeans off Ennis's hips. He went exquisitely slow, trailing his fingers on the skin beneath, feeling Ennis writhe beneath him. Once the jeans were all the way off, he spread Ennis's legs and left kisses on the inside of one thigh and then the other.
Ennis used all the willpower he possessed not to buck his hips when he felt Jack's lips on his thighs and felt his hair brush against his cock. Jack moved from his thighs back to Ennis's stomach, kissing and licking, pushing the t-shirt up again as he went. When both shirts were bunched under Ennis's arms, Jack finally pulled the flannel off and followed it with the t-shirt up over his head, tossed them both away, and leaned down for another kiss, bringing their erections together, hard between them. They moved together and Ennis's legs came up to pull Jack closer, his hips riding high off the ground. Jack strained just as hard against him, his desire rushing through him, like a whitewater tide.
Ennis felt it too, the power, the unstoppable, exhilarating rush of love. His fingers tangled in Jack's hair and he whispered his name, running it together like a single long word or an echo in the canyon. His arms and legs tightened, trying to pull Jack into his own skin, and still they moved, in perfect unison, riding a crescendo that went on and on. When they reached the edge of ecstacy and went over, they came together, curled into each other so tight they may have been one person, the hot wetness mingling between their sweat-soaked bodies.
Ennis whispered something softly. Jack didn't hear it, so he turned his head, put his ear near Ennis's mouth, and Ennis breathed into his ear, "My angel. You're my angel." In that moment, any doubts that Jack still harbored vanished. He put his head down, his ear next to Ennis's heart, which beat a steady staccato rhythm that matched his own.
They lay there, beneath the black velvet sky, for a long time, until Ennis asked, in a low voice, "Maybe we oughta move back t'the campsite."
Jack propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at Ennis. "You uncomfortable?"
"Well, I could lay here with you in my arms forever, but as long as we got a tent and some sleeping bags, maybe we oughta use 'em." Jack looked at him expectantly, so Ennis sighed and added, "All right, I admit it, layin' on the ground naked ain't too comfortable."
Jack grinned, stood up, and held his hand out to Ennis to help him up. They gathered their clothes and boots and made their way back through the trees. Ennis went into the tent and came out immediately, pulling the sleeping bag behind him.
"What are you doing?" Jack asked.
"I wanna sleep out here, out in the open, under the stars in heaven, with you."
They found a soft spot on the grass and spread it out, then crawled into the cocoon of warmth.
"Think we should head back tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I do," Ennis replied. He was silent for a long time before adding, "I think this was a good trip, though, Jack."
Jack tightened his arms around Ennis. "Yeah, I think so, too." They were silent after that, drifting to sleep, facing each other, arms and legs tangled together.
Jack and Ennis woke early, the bright sun shining down on them, both anxious to be up and on their way, now that they'd decided to leave. Brokeback was their past, a reminder of where they started, but they were both ready now, to live in the present, together.
The car was all packed, the campsite cleaned up, the fire out. Jack and Ennis stood by the car, arms around each other, looking up at the mountain, each remembering, each sending out a prayer of eternal gratefulness to the act of grace that brought them together.
Ennis pulled Jack around to face him, took him in his arms, and held him close. A memory came on Jack strong, almost like a dream. Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close. He'd held him that way for a long time, both silent, until Ennis began to hum and rocked him slightly. Jack had leaned against the steady heartbeat, the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity. He'd fallen into sleep that was not really sleep, but something else drowsy and tranced.
In his mind, that dozy embrace was a moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see nor feel that it was Jack he held.
Ennis drew back and took Jack's face in his hands. Jack was overwhelmingly thankful that they'd come so far since that distant time.
"Ready to go?"
"Yeah."
"Come on."
They got in the car and drove away, not looking back.
The trip to Lightning Flat was uneventful and, although Bobby was overjoyed to see them, he assured his daddy that his grandparents had treated him real good. Jack couldn't help noticing a softness in his daddy's eyes that he'd never seen before. They stayed the night, which pleased Grace. She made a big supper and smiled fondly at Jack several times. With a bittersweet pang, Jack realized that his momma had a new light in her eyes.
Jack insisted that Bobby stay in the house, in Jack's old room that he'd been using. Jack and Ennis put up the tent in the yard and slept in it and John Twist didn't say a word about it.
When they left the next day, John put his arm around Bobby, the closest gesture to a hug he would make, and pulled him close. He just nodded at Jack and Ennis and gave them a curt, "Bye, then," before heading to the barn.
Jack wrapped Grace in his arms. "I love you, momma."
"I love you, too, Jack. You come back and visit again, son."
"I will."
Grace surprised Ennis by putting her arms around him next. He hugged her back and heard her say, "You come back again."
They got in the car and drove away and Ennis could see Grace watch them all the way down that long, lonely road. Several more miles down the road Jack turned to him and said, "That went better'n I expected."
The station wagon pulled into the driveway of the farm the next day, close to six o'clock. Kelly and Tyler's cars and Beau's motorcycle were in the driveway. Jack had called the farm earlier to see if Kelly would make them some supper. Bobby jumped out and ran in the house, anxious to see her and tell her all about the trip.
Jack and Ennis got out of the car slowly. "I'm gonna take a walk out t'the stable an' check on the horses." Ennis said.
"Think I'll join ya," Jack replied.
They walked to the stable, side by side, their boots crunching lightly on the gravel, and entered the stable, just as two figures pulled apart on the far side. Ennis and Jack exchanged a look, then walked forward.
Beau broke the silence first, "Hi guys, welcome back."
"Thanks, Beau," Jack replied.
Tyler looked at Ennis and his resolve left him. All his pretty, sanctimonious, selfless thoughts went out the window with the realization that he loved Ennis. He loved Ennis. He couldn't help it. His eyes lit up at the sight of him.
Ennis looked at him, saw all the brightness and hope within Tyler's eyes and shuttered his own, rejecting him without saying a word, then looked at Jack, turned around and went back to the house. He felt terrible, but he knew that it had to be done.
Jack watched Tyler and saw what Ennis had seen and his jaw tightened. He trusted Ennis, there was no doubt in his heart about that. What he was going to do about Tyler depended a lot on what happened here, now. He kept his eyes on Tyler's, saw the heartbreak at the exact moment it happened, and his own eyes softened with sympathy.
Beau looked at each of them, taking it all in. He felt a pang of remembered sadness when he watched the play of emotions go through Tyler's eyes, when he saw the pain and heartbreak that surged through them. He touched Tyler's arm gently and walked away.
Jack faced Tyler, who looked at him, his eyes full, but his chin raised. "We need to talk, Tyler." Tyler nodded. "Come on, let's take a walk." Tyler followed him out the door and they started down the path to the lake.
Neither one said anything along the way. When they got to the water, they each sat in one of the lawn chairs that had been left there.
"Tyler, while we were gone, me and Ennis did a lotta talking. He told me about everything that happened between the two of you." He paused, letting it sink in.
Tyler looked away, across the lake, then down at his hands, before looking up and into Jack's eyes. "I'm sorry, Jack. You've been more than good to me. I'm glad you let me stay working here until you got back." He started to stand up, but Jack put out a hand and stopped him.
"Wait a minute." Tyler looked surprised, but sat back down. "I know you said you were quitting, but," Jack let out a big sigh, "you don't have to, if you don't want to, if we can work some things out." Tyler looked at him curiously. "Ennis and I both know that this farm is like a home to you and that James was more than an employer to you. Neither of us feel comfortable comin' in here and kickin' you out. Even after what's happened." He looked at Tyler, his eyes hardening a bit. "Ennis left it up to me to decide. I've thought a lot about it and I'd like to ask you to stay, but if, and only if, you can work with Ennis and put any thoughts of you and him being anything more than friends out of your mind."
Tyler looked at him like he'd lost his mind and Jack admitted to himself that he probably had. "I . . . I don't know what to say, Jack. I thought you'd want to fire me, or hit me, or something."
Jack sighed again. "Tyler, it's been a rough week. Me and Ennis both been through the ringer. Truth is, I did wanna hit you. More than anything, for a while there. But, right now, I'm too tired. 'Sides, I ain't a violent man. Ain't my nature to go 'round hittin' people. Now Ennis, on the other hand, if it was you and me that'd done the kissing, rest assured you wouldn't be standing right now."
The hint of a smile crossed Tyler's face, so Jack smiled back. "Tyler, I remember what it's like to be young and gay and in love and not be able to be with that person. It's a hard thing–a real hard thing. I don't envy you one bit. But I do understand, which is why I don't want to fire you. I think we can all be friends, if you can manage it. I trust that Ennis can, but I know him, heart and soul." He made sure Tyler was looking in his eyes before he continued. "I love him and he loves me, I've no doubt about that, even after everything. But you have to make the decision for yourself. If you can't do it–if it'll be too painful to be around him and me, then we both understand." Tyler didn't say anything, so Jack went on. "You think about it." Tyler nodded and Jack stood up. "Come one, let's get back. I'm beat."
Jack went into the house when they reached it and Tyler got in his car and drove home. He went straight to bed and crawled under the blankets, staring up at the ceiling until it grew too dark to see. Some time later, he felt tears roll down his face and soak into his hair and pillow and he still didn't know what to think or what to do.
