Chapter Thirty-Three

September 14, 1976

Jack padded down to the kitchen in a white t-shirt and blue-striped boxer shorts. It was still near dark outside, but he couldn't sleep. It felt strange and hollow to be in the big bed upstairs, all alone. It was the first night he'd slept at home since Ennis's accident and he'd only done it because Ennis had begged him to get a good nights sleep. He put on a pot of coffee and went back upstairs to dress, last night's conversation still running through his mind.

"Jack, you look like shit. You ain't fuckin' superman, bud. You gotta get some sleep. Real sleep, not dozing in a chair," Ennis said, his eyes dark with concern, his arm still protective around Bobby.

Jack started to protest, to tell Ennis he couldn't face the thought of sleeping in their bed all alone, but his protests were broken by a huge yawn that he couldn't stop.

Ennis looked at him pointedly.

"Okay, you're right. I'm exhausted." He also knew that if anything else happened, he wouldn't be able to handle it, not in his present state of mind.

"Jack," Ennis said, so earnest Jack raised his head again. "I know yer strong, bud, but you don't always halfta be. I'll still be here tomorrow when you come back."

Jack leaned back in the chair and felt a weight lift off him. It was as if Ennis's words had broken through a wall–the wall of toughness he'd erected around himself. It had been there a long time. Probably ever since he was a boy. He always felt he needed to be in control, to be strong, to hold everything together, and he was afraid of the consequences if he didn't. No one had acknowledged it before, no one had ever given him permission to not be strong.

Jack, now dressed and back in the kitchen, poured himself a cup of coffee and stepped out onto the deck at the side of the house. He thought again about his feelings last night. Maybe Ennis was drawn to Tyler because he felt I didn't need him enough. He does the same thing, though, acts like he's such a tough guy, like he don't really need anyone. He took a sip of coffee and was distracted momentarily by the cacophony of morning birds. I didn't realize how much I did, how much I do need him, until I almost lost him. Lost him for real. Why do we do that? Why do we act like we don't need anybody? A small voice whispered, "Because if you don't need anybody you can't get hurt by nobody." That's just stupid, Jack thought. All those years Ennis and I thought we didn't need each other to live, that we could make it by seeing each other a few times a year. We were such fools. I needed him and he needed me. Times we were apart, I felt dead inside, like there was nothin' t'live for 'cept the next fishing trip. Now that we're together, we're still used to havin' that feeling, like maybe this ain't real, like someone's gonna come and take it all away from us, so maybe we been sabotaging it ourselves. Ennis with Tyler and me gettin' caught up takin' care o'ever'thing 'cept him. The tiny voice started to whisper that Ennis's transgression was greater, but Jack wouldn't hear it. Don't matter, we both been wrong an' we both need t'fix things. Have t'let each other in. All the way. All the way in. I need him and he needs me. Not to live, but to live

Jack watched the orange sliver of the sun that slipped over the horizon and pierced through the trees. As it rose, it bathed the trees and barn, stable and house, lake and pine trees and white paper birches with a soft, golden glow. It illuminated all the things that he and Ennis were given by fate and her fickle ways. It helped him to realize how much they had. Even more reason for them to appreciate each other. All of this, all of it, meant nothing to either of them if they didn't have each other.

A little while later the door behind Jack opened and Tyler stepped out onto the deck.

"Morning, Tyler."

"G'morning, Jack." Tyler lowered his head, his eyes downcast. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Want some coffee? Just made a fresh pot."

"No, thanks."

"Okay, well, have a seat."

"Uh, okay." Tyler sat down next to him and looked out at the brightening sky, the orange and yellow light reflecting golden against his dark skin. "Jack, I wanted to talk to you. I want to . . ." he looked up into Jack's eyes finally, "I want to apologize for what happened. What I did was wrong. You trusted me." His dark eyes met Jack's unwavering and firm. "I didn't mean for things to happen like they did, I got caught up in my own emotions and I never stopped to think about how you might feel. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I hurt you." He paused and took a deep breath. "I also want you to know that I don't intend for anything like this to happen again. I respect what you and Ennis have. I don't want to hurt either one of you ever again."

Jack was silent. He didn't expect this. He wanted to hate Tyler. He wanted to blame him, instead of Ennis, but it was easier to blame someone who didn't take responsibility. A memory of something he'd said to Ennis up on Brokeback flashed through Jack's mind, " . . .And Ennis, I lied to you right from the very beginning. I knew I was queer–always have. I wish . . . I wish it hadn't taken Tyler to make you realize it in yourself. Wish I coulda been enough for you." It still pained him, but he suddenly realized that what happened between Ennis and Tyler didn't have anything to do with him, not really. It wasn't because Jack was too strong or not strong enough. It wasn't because Jack gave too much or too little. It was just a part of Ennis's journey and something he'd needed to do, to experience. He still felt a twinge of hurt, that his love, his acceptance of Ennis wasn't the beginning, middle, and end of Ennis's journey, but he knew in his heart that it had been necessary, that he was too close to Ennis. He may never have been able to get past that protective wall they'd erected around themselves. It took someone from the outside. But he knew, with his whole heart, that he would be all Ennis needed from this point forward. He sent up a prayer of thanks that Ennis hadn't needed more than a couple of kisses to make that final realization.

Jack looked into Tyler's eyes. He had considered him to be a friend, had thought he was a good man. How do I feel about him now? Tyler met his gaze, strong, unwavering. Jack moved past the hurt and was suddenly thankful that, if Ennis had to go through what he did to admit to himself that he was really and truly a gay man, that he'd gone through it with this man. The man who came to apologize, albeit a little late. He didn't blame it all on Ennis, was taking responsibility for his own actions.

"Tyler, I respect you comin' over here to apologize. 'Course, I wish nothin' had happened between the two o' you, but it did and it's over. Maybe someday, well, maybe we can be friends again. All of us."

Jack could see the weight lift off Tyler's shoulders. "I'd like that, Jack." They were both silent, looking out at the rising sun, the new day.

"Well, what're yer plans?" Jack finally asked. "Beau said yer startin' up at the college soon and at the feed store."

"Yeah, Rusty hired me and he's willing to work around my school schedule. I put him off this past week because I knew you needed help, but I was wondering how much longer you might need me? I thought, if it's okay with you, I'd start coming part time and get started at the feed store this week. I'm not starting at the college until the second quarter, which starts the first of November."

"O' course. I sure appreciate yer help and if ya could keep comin' until Friday, just whenever ya can, that'd be a big help."

"Thanks, Jack. I sure don't deserve such a kindness."

Jack held out his hand and Tyler reached out to shake it. Before he could pull away, Jack covered Tyler's hand with his own and held it. "Sure you do. Mistakes were made, but we'll all recover." He smiled and let go of Tyler's hand. "'Course, if ya ever do anything like it again, I'll probly halfta kill ya." He continued to smile as he said it, but it gave Tyler a bit of a chill, just the same.

"You don't have to worry, Jack."

"I won't."

Ennis was not a good patient. When he first woke up from the coma, he slept a lot, but now, four days after his awakening, his irritability was increasing along with his waking moments. He wanted to go home, he wanted to get back to work, he wanted everyone to stop fussing over him, and he wanted the nurses to stop giving him and Jack those looks. Whenever they came in the room and caught them holding hands, their eyes would soften and their lips would smile in a secret, knowing way, just like Molly was doing right now. This wasn't even her ward and here she was, giving him that smile with soft, sparkly eyes. He glared at Jack, as if to say, This is your fault.

Jack was having none of it, though. He rose and gave Molly his biggest, brightest smile, and greeted her with real warmth.

"Where's the little one?" Molly asked.

"Kelly took him to find a soda machine. He needed a root beer. I got the strong impression he thought he was gonna die without one."

Molly smiled. "Oh, I see. And how's our patient?" she asked, sparkling her eyes at Ennis.

He glared at her and grunted a sound which may have resembled, "Fine."

"Ready to go home?"

"Damn right I am."

"Nancy says he can go home tomorrow," Jack said.

"Don't know why it can't be today. Or yesterday."

"'Cause she's the doctor and you ain't."

"She's a good doctor," Molly agreed.

"Never said she wasn't," Ennis said brusquely. "Just wanna go home."

Jack squeezed his hand. "I know, bud."

The door opened behind Molly and Bobby came through, followed by Kelly.

"Here's that handsome boy I was asking about!" Molly said, rumpling Bobby's hair and smiling at Kelly.

"Hi! Hey, are you here to let my daddy Ennis go home? I want him to come home today."

"No, sorry, Bobby, only the doctor can let him go home."

"Darn."

"Well, I have to go. Good luck, Ennis," Molly said.

"You stop out at the farm any time you want. We'd love to see you," Jack said. Ennis nodded in agreement.

"I will."

"I have to get going, too," Kelly said. "See you all tomorrow." She winked at Ennis and followed Molly out the door.

"You got homework tonight?" Jack asked Bobby.

A huge sigh escaped from Bobby. "Yeah, I have to practice my spelling words and my handwriting. Ms. Thompson says it's too messy."

"I guess we better get going, then. Get you home to do your homework, have some supper and a bath before bed."

"But, Daddy, if we leave, Ennis will be here all alone."

"That's okay, Bobby." Ennis said. "They're gonna bring me my supper and then I'm gonna go right t'sleep. I wanna be all rested before tomorrow so I can go home."

"You sure?" Bobby asked, his eyes narrowed.

Ennis's lips lifted in a crooked smile. "I'm sure. You make sure t'practice yer spelling words. I wanna see you get them all right tomorrow."

"Okay, I will." He went to the side of the bed and reached out to give Ennis a hug. Ennis pulled him close and kissed the top of his head. "All right, go on. I'll see ya tomorrow."

"Will you be home when I get off the bus?"

"Yep, I sure will."

"Get yer stuff together into yer backpack." Bobby went to the corner of the room where he'd scattered papers, crayons, pencils, and markers on the floor and began gathering them to put in his backpack.

Jack moved closer to Ennis's bed and took his hand again. "You sure yer gonna be okay if we leave? I just hate goin' home without you every night."

"I'm fine, Jack. I hate it too, but I'll be there tomorrow." He leaned closer and said low, "We got a lotta time t'make up for."

Jack grinned and leaned even closer. "Is that a promise?"

"It sure is, darlin'. I've missed you." The last was said so soft Jack almost didn't hear it.

"I've missed you, too," he replied, soft as a breath. He put his free hand on the back of Ennis's head and pulled him close, met his lips in a kiss, light, but full of succulent promises. They pulled apart, but their eyes held each other tight for a long moment.

"Hi, Beau, what can I do for you? Need something for the farm?"

"Not tonight, Rusty, just thought I'd stop by and talk to Tyler for a minute. Is he still here?"

"Yep, just in the back moving some stock around. I'll send him out."

Tyler emerged from the back room a few seconds later, his white t-shirt covered in dust, his dark hair pulled back, as usual. He smiled when he saw Beau, a smile filled with surprise and warmth.

"What're you doing here?"

"Janie's gone for the next couple of days–at a training for work down in the cities. Thought I'd see if you feel like coming to my house tonight? We could pick up a pizza, see if there's a movie or something on tv."

"Okay, sure, yeah. I should probably go home and shower first."

"Nah, you can take one at my house, if you want."

Tyler looked like he might refuse, but didn't. "I'll be done in a minute."

A few minutes later Tyler walked out of the feed store and found Beau waiting by his motorcycle. "What are you going to drive when it starts to snow?"

"It snows here? Damn." He grinned at Tyler. "Guess I'll have to get a truck or something. You gonna follow me?"

"Sure."

"You could ride with me, but I don't know where we'd put the pizza."

"Or we could just stop somewhere to eat and skip the pizza."

"Oh, so you want to ride my motorcycle." Beau grinned, a thousand meanings in his eyes.

Tyler looked down and scuffed the ground, then raised his eyes, a small smile on his lips. "Yeah, I do."

Beau's eyes widened the tiniest bit, but his voice was suspiciously nonchalant."So, where should we go?"

"Sportsman's? They have good food. And they're fast."

"Sportsman's it is, my friend."

Tyler got on behind him and reached around his waist. Beau could feel the strong thighs next to his, pressed close. No hesitation, no holding back this time. He leaned back and said, "Hang on." Tyler leaned close and tightened his grip as Beau took off.

At the café, they sat in a booth, across from each other and each ordered the special–chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy and a roll.

"Have you thought anymore about what your plans are?" Tyler asked.

"I guess I'm gonna stick around here for a while. I know Janie likes having me here. I like working at the farm and I've met some really good people." He looked at Tyler pointedly, then Tyler felt Beau's leg move against his under the booth, next to the wall, and stay where it was. He looked around, but no one was watching them. In any case, he was pretty sure no one could see that far under the booth. He moved his leg against Beau's and the soft scrape of denim against denim ignited a fire in both men.

Tyler loved to listen to Beau talk, not only for the words, but for the way he said them. He was excited and animated, but in an understated way. His voice wasn't very deep, but there was an undercurrent of deepness in it, a roughness that sounded like it came from somewhere down deep in his soul. Tyler also loved the way Beau's light blue eyes shone and the way his blonde hair fell in silky curls down to his shoulders. He usually left it to hang free and wild and Tyler had found that he loved the feel of it between his fingers.

"And you, you're gonna be stuck in books all the time, come November. You won't have any extra time." Beau's lips went out in a mock pout.

"I'll have time for some things."

"Mm . . . what kinds of things?" Beau reached out to take a napkin from the holder and brushed Tyler's hand, as if by accident.

"Only the most important things." Tyler reached forward and pulled a piece of hay out of Beau's hair, brushing against his cheek in the process.

"And the most important people, I hope." Beau added softly, as his other foot moved forward, closer to Tyler's and brushed against it.

"Of course." Tyler moved his foot to touch Beau's, not caring if anyone saw or what they might think.

In unspoken agreement, they both ate quickly, tipped nicely, and left in a hurry.

Tyler followed Beau to the door of the cozy house. The tension between them was palpable, strung tight, like a guitar string wound too far. Beau opened the door and turned around before it was even open all the way, put his hands around Tyler's waist and pulled him forward, into the house. Their lips met in a kiss that went on and on, reckless and rough, yet suffused with tenderness. Beau reached up and took out the band that held Tyler's hair and ran his fingers through it, from scalp to ends, even as Tyler buried his hands in Beau's soft curls. They finally pulled apart, breathing hard. Impossibly dark eyes met the pale blue ones. Beau pulled Tyler's t-shirt out of his jeans, pulled it up and over his head as Tyler raised his arms to accommodate him, then dropped it on the floor, their eyes never breaking contact. Tyler repeated the process on Beau and when their bare chests came together an involuntary sound of pleasure escaped from deep within Tyler. Beau leaned forward and kissed him again, softer this time, deeper, his tongue exploring gently, as his hands moved to the front of Tyler's jeans. He undid the buckle of the belt, then the button and zipper, but didn't pull them down. He reached around to the small of Tyler's back and caressed the sensitive area with gentle fingers.

Tyler felt lightheaded, like he was on fire, like he was about to explode. He'd never experienced anything quite like this before. He followed Beau's lead with belt and button and zipper, then stopped and pulled back. He looked at Beau and it struck him that his hair was like sunshine and morning mist. He looked into Beau's eyes, the color of the sky on the sweetest summer day, and realized he was lost, felt like he could lose himself forever in those eyes, those sweet eyes.

Beau's forehead crinkled, questioning, Do you want to stop?

Tyler met his lips gently, breathed one word into his mouth. No.

Beau took his hand and led him down the hall to the far room, his bedroom, and to the edge of the bed. "This is my room."

Tyler looked around. There were honey-colored wood panels on the walls, a dresser across from the end of the bed, and nightstand next to the bed. The bed was unmade and covered with a rumpled patchwork quilt, the sheets flowered with an orange, red, and green pattern. "Nice sheets."

Beau grinned without any shame. "Thanks. They're Janie's. They're actually really soft, though, so I like them."

"Soft sheets, huh?"

"Want to try them out?"

"Sure." Tyler lay down and looked up at him. "You're right, they are soft."

Beau climbed on top of him and leaned down. "I told you they were." They grinned at each other like little boys who'd gotten away with the cookie jar, before the mood shifted and their grins disappeared. Beau leaned down and kissed Tyler, all the mirth and teasing gone, replaced by pure desire.

Tyler's eyes were open, though it was dark, and he was wide awake, unable to sleep. He could hear Beau's even breathing behind him, felt the rise and fall of the chest that was pressed tight to his back. He didn't want to move, didn't want to sleep, didn't want to miss one moment of this night. This wonderful, amazing night. After a while, he shifted around to lie on his back. Beau moved with him and curled into his side, his leg and arm thrown over Tyler, his face pressed into the hollow of Tyler's neck. Tyler thought he was sleeping, so he was surprised when he heard Beau say softly, "Can't sleep?"

"No."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm . . . I'm . . . good." There was a smile in his voice.

"Are you sure? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Tyler turned to look at Beau's face, even though he could only see the outline and his eyes shining in the dark. "No."

Beau smiled and kissed him and Tyler was filled with happiness, like he hadn't felt since he was a little boy and the world was easy.