Accidents Will Happen
By Rurouni Star
Note: It's generally accepted that the detective in Aquroya City is a humorous clone of Detective Zenigata from Lupin III. They don't give him a name, so I figured "Zeginata" would be satirically appropriate. P
Summary: Havoc loses everything and Ed gets some spaghetti.
Chapter 2:
E. Elric's Business Phone; Day 1 of surveillance.
dialing
ringing
phone picks up
Female: This is the Aquroya Law Enforcement Dept. What can I do for you today?
E: Is Detective Zeginata in?
Female: May I tell him who is calling?
E: Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric from Central City.
Female: I'll transfer you over in a moment. Please wait…
boring music plays
Female: I'm sorry, Mr. Elric, but he says to tell you he isn't in. Ah – oops, I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to say that-
E: Like hell! Tell that old man he'd better talk to me or else-
line goes dead
E: Damnit!
-----
Havoc nibbled furiously on his cigarette, ignoring the taste, as he stared at the person across the table from him.
"You're lying," he said in a hiss.
The other man winced. "Not really, no. I'm sorry."
Havoc made the sound of a man in a hopeless situation. "It's not fair!" he said. "It's just not fair-"
Fury reached across the table to set a hand on his shoulder sympathetically. "I know, I know – hey, do you want me to just give up? I can, you know, you could win anyway-"
"No!" Havoc pounded his fist on the table. "It's not the same and you know it! Deal again!"
Fury sighed and sat back in his chair. "You just take too many risks," he mumbled to himself, turning over the first card and looking expectantly at his friend.
Havoc's eyes narrowed. "Hit me."
Fury dealt another.
A pause.
"Hit me."
Fury looked at him pleadingly. "Are you sure?" he asked.
Havoc nodded seriously. "Come on, hit me."
Sighing, he turned over another card. Twenty already. Unless there was an ace on the bottom, Havoc had already lost.
"Hit me."
Fury put his face in his hands. "I don't think you're getting this at all…" he muttered.
Just then, Edward Elric walked past, looking rumpled, grouchy, angry, and altogether quite a bit like his usual self. "Damn detective… he knows I can't go down there and kick his ass…" he was muttering to himself.
Fury's brow knit, and he began to intensely scrutinize the braided alchemist. Havoc took the opportunity to switch the cards around.
"Is it just me," the quiet man said, "or does Edward look slightly more… short… than usual…?"
There wasn't even the usual preemptory warning of "Who's so short-" before Fury discovered that his face had grown a shoe.
Ed stomped over only to recapture his boot before continuing on his grumbling journey through the office.
Havoc snorted. "Even I could have predicted that," he said.
Fury groaned and rubbed at his nose as he looked down at the cards.
"Forty one," Havoc said. "I win."
Fury winced. "Havoc," he said. "You have to get-"
"Yes?"
Fury paused.
"Nevermind," he said. "You win."
-----
Hawkeye was suspicious.
Nothing had blown up, caught fire, or even been transmuted into a goat (don't ask) since four pm yesterday.
And.
Roy Mustang's paperwork was getting done.
By Ed, of course, but still. Work was getting done.
She put her chin into one hand and stared at the boy, wondering if he would ever realize just how much power Mustang had delegated to him in order to give him the authority to sign those papers. Surely the military would rue the day…
"Damn him," Ed was saying to himself. "Damn him, damn him, damn him, that bastard-"
Hawkeye sympathized. She really, really did.
It occurred to her that Edward was actually a bit young to be sitting in a desk all day (despite the fact that he was really about nineteen and only maybe six years younger than her) and also that Colonel Mustang was undoubtedly planning to take the day off.
This called for special intervention.
She walked over to Edward's desk slowly, then moved behind him to study the papers he was currently reading through, his hand ready on the pen.
Ah, how naively wonderful. He was actually reading them.
He began to sign the current paper cautiously; it was a request to order more green ink pens.
"Ed?" she asked politely.
The alchemist jumped and let out a high-pitched yelp, his chair sliding out from beneath him. He whirled about.
"Don't scare me like that!" he snapped. Then, looking down at the paper he had been reading- "Oh no!" he moaned. "The signature's ruined!"
Hawkeye raised an eyebrow. "It looks perfectly fine to me," she said.
Ed shook his head. "Look at that! The 'L' is all messed up, it's out of alignment with the 'R'-"
"It's fine, Edward," she said patiently.
"-no, it's not, I really need to redo it, now- where can I get another form like this-"
"Edward."
"Or maybe I could just transmute it off? It'd be tricky, but I could probably do it-"
"Edward!"
He blinked. Then dropped the pen.
"I- I'm going crazy," he said, shaking his head.
Hawkeye put a hand on his shoulder. "Ed," she said. "Maybe you should go out to lunch."
Ed frowned. "I've got way too much to do for that," he said. "I can grab something on the way home."
Hawkeye rubbed at her forehead. Then, on inspiration, she pulled the next paper from the stack and pretended to stare at it closely.
"Edward," she said. "These really need to be signed by the colonel. I don't know why he gave them to you, you really don't have the authority for them. This is a grave oversight. I'm going to have to take them all back to him now!"
Ed swallowed, then looked down at the giant stack of papers.
"Er… so… I don't have anything to do?" he asked hopefully.
She held back a vicious smile at the thought of catching Roy Mustang on his way out to lunch. "Not now, I suppose. Why don't you go and have some spaghetti at that place down the street? I'll see what I can find for you when you get back."
A strange expression came over Ed's face.
"Actually…" he said. "Man, I could really go for some spaghetti right now."
Hawkeye picked up the large stack of papers. "Go and get some then," she advised.
When she turned around, he was already gone.
She wondered only for a moment how he could possibly have believed the colonel's signature was imperative for the ordering of green ink pens.
Oh well.
