Accidents Will Happen
By Rurouni Star
Summary: The non-existent sick day.
Chapter 5:
E. Elric's Home Phone; Day 4 of surveillance.
dialing
ringing
phone picks up
Woman: This is the Central City office of the military – what can I do for you?
E: Ugh… hey, tell Mustang I can't come in today, Hawkeye.
Woman: …Ed?
E: Yeah. Ed.
Woman: I'm sorry Ed.
pause
Woman: No, really. You sound horrible. But the colonel said earlier that you weren't to take any more days off.
E: Look, I don't give a shit what the colonel said-
Woman: Ed!
E:-my stomach feels like someone stabbed it and left the knife in and I'm going to throw up any second if I actually stand up! What the hell does he want me to do in this condition?
Woman: Would you like me to give him the phone?
E: Oh, screw it. I know what he's going to say anyway. He'll probably fit a goddamn short joke in there too, while he's at it.
Woman: Ed, either stop complaining or get off the phone. I have too much work to do to let you yell at me about things I have no say in.
E: You too, huh? Fine.
line goes dead
-----
Black Hayate was eyeing the new credenza when the door slammed open.
The loud noise reminded him of a gunshot – he headed for the nearest desk, thinking in horror that the female Lieutenant had read his mind and run out to incapacitate him before he could carry it out.
Pounding footsteps receded into the hall, however, and when he peeked his head out from under the desk, he saw only a red, fluttering jacket.
"I'll tell him what I think about coming into work when I'm dying-"
Another door slammed shut.
Black Hayate waited cautiously a moment before pulling himself back out from under the desk.
Once again, he eyed the credenza.
Well, why not.
He walked over and lifted his leg…
-----
"No."
"I'm sick, you bastard!"
"That's something we can both agree upon, but no."
"I feel like I'm dying!"
"I'm sure you're exaggerating, Ed."
"Exaggerating my-"
"Besides which, you've only been putting in half-days as it is. Naturally, as you're only half a person-"
"If you don't let me go home, I am probably going to throw up."
Pause.
"On your desk."
Pause.
"Right now-"
"Go!"
"Go home?"
"Yes, for God's sake, go home!"
Ed stumbled out the door – then stopped only to shout back in: "I take it you're volunteering to take Alicia for the day too!"
He ran for the office door, feeling as though he'd just gotten vengeance for many, many years of short jokes.
