Accidents Will Happen
By Rurouni Star

Summary: Roy Mustang always gets the last laugh. Ha. Ha.

Chapter 7:

E. Elric's Home Phone; Day 6 of surveillance.

ringing

phone is picked up

Man (in an exhausted voice): …Roy Mustang speaking.

E: Having fun?

Man: …Ed. I am going to personally see to it that you get the next worst possible assignment that crops up. I'm thinking Manure Factory inspection.

E (innocent): You didn't have fun?

Perfect Little Girl (from background): Whee! Can I have some more coffee, Uncle Roy?

momentary silence on the line

E: I'll talk to her for a few minutes if you change it to an arctic assignment.

Man: Now look here-

PLG: Let's play duck duck goose again!

Man: …inventory. Final offer.

E: Done.

sound of phone being handed over

PLG: Uncle Ed! Uncle Ed! I had the best time with Uncle Roy, we went to the fair, and rode a roller coaster, and Uncle Roy turned green at the end!

E (holding back laughter): That… sounds like fun, Alicia.

PLG: And Uncle Roy tried to get me to tell him about your thing, he promised all kinds of things if I did-

E (horrified): You didn't, did you?

PLG: Of course not! We made a special promise!

E: …you know, it occurs to me. Does Hughes have my home line tapped too?

PLG: Um… uh…

E: Alicia?

PLG: …a little?

E: …HUGHES!

static

signal dead

-----

"How could you, Alicia? To your own daddy!" Tears streamed down Hughes' face as he shook his daughter's shoulders.

Alicia blinked. "But I promised Uncle Ed!" she said.

Hughes sniffled. "You promised me first!"

She smiled. "Yeah, but me and Uncle Ed had a special promise – it makes other promises not count."

Hughes blinked as she stuck a chocolate in her mouth.

-----

Black Hayate stared at the credenza.

It sat there, avoiding his gaze.

The dog pondered for a moment his best approach. The thing was obviously smart – it had both cleared itself of his mark in a mere day and tattled on him to the Lieutenant.

Black Hayate crept forward slowly, pondering. Yes – he would have to render the thing utterly helpless this time.

He raised his leg…

BANG.

The door flew open again, freezing the dog where it stood. But no – it was only the Colonel, muttering under his breath.

"Damn you, Fullmetal, you knew the inventory was already done."

He stormed into his office, still muttering, then slammed that door shut as well.

If dogs were capable of shrugging, Black Hayate would have done so. Back to that gossiping credenza…

-----

"I'm promoting you."

Ed's expression was priceless.

"You're… what?"

Roy Mustang leaned forward, and Ed swallowed strangely. "Promoting you. For a week."

"Um," Ed said in a slightly high voice. "I don't- I haven't done anything that needs-"

"Your new title is Lieutenant Procurer," Mustang said, feeling the sadistic satisfaction already swelling within. "Your new duties include, but are not limited to-" And here, he took out a handwritten list; it had suggestions, taken from the other staff. "-janitor, dishwasher, secretary, messenger, snack creator, door boy, dog cleaner-upper, and oh yes…" Here, he smiled, slow and vindictive. "Hawkeye has been given the week off. You are now in charge of her duties as my personal assistant."

Ed, now mere inches away, had pulled down into his chair like a hunched little mouse. His face had turned pale white.

Hm. Not at all up to his usual standards – normally, by this time, he'd be yelling epithets.

"Starting now," Roy finished, pulling back. "Coffee. Lieutenant."

Ed, surprisingly, bolted.

Funny. He'd certainly never reacted that way before.

-----

"-a week, he said, Hawkeye, you can't leave me here with him for a week!"

Hughes crept slowly forward. With Hawkeye and her handgun gone, Ed had once more become open game as far as spying was concerned. And Hughes' curiosity had never before gone so unsated.

"No, but you don't understand! He smiled at me, and- and- UGH!"

Ah yes. Ed's new assignment. Hughes had added the 'snack creator' – he had cravings for handmade dumplings at the oddest times. Just like Gracia's…

"What do you mean, 'ignore it'," Ed said wildly into the phone. "We don't all have stone cold faces – no, I don't play poker!"

In-ter-est-ing. If only Ed hadn't thought to remove that bug beforehand…

"Hawkeye – wait, Hawkeye, don't go, please-"

Ed, quite suddenly, dropped the phone and started sobbing.

"My life is over," he wailed. "I can't do this!"

Hughes, now thoroughly baffled and somewhat frightened by this development, slunk back over to his desk to make a call…