Accidents Will Happen
By Rurouni Star
Summary: Ed is uncomfortable, Roy is clueless, and Alicia isn't telling.
Chapter 8:
"…all of this because he had a woman, er, cozy up to him?" Mustang muttered into the phone. "That's actually slightly disturbing, and if true, it would make me doubt his masculinity even more than I have previously had reason to, Hughes. Are you sure?"
"Well, she did unzip her shirt-"
"There has got to be another explanation," he sighed, feeling restless. So far, Ed had very, very quietly come in to work, gotten Roy his coffee, rinsed the load of dishes that had been moldering for days, and cleaned up the poor Credenza. At the moment, he was (still quietly) doing the mile-high stack of paperwork Roy had left him.
In short, this was not Ed's usual behavior. In fact, Roy was beginning to suspect enemy infiltration by way of incredibly-realistic disguise.
"I'm really doing my best," Hughes' voice came over, sounding frustrated. "But Alicia won't tell me what she talked to Ed about."
Roy narrowed his eyes, one gloved finger tapping on the desk.
Ed was now standing up, a hand on his hip as he yelled menacingly at Black Hayate and waved his other fist in the air for good measure. The dog was blinking uncomprehendingly, its tail thumping rhythmically into the credenza near the entrance.
"I am getting… worried, Hughes."
There was a momentary silence on the other end of the line.
"You know," Hughes said, "that worries me even more."
-----
"Lunch hour," Roy said from behind him.
Ed leapt up from his chair with a strange sound, banging his thigh on the desk and just as quickly falling back into it.
Mustang raised an eyebrow. "Are you planning on having lunch, Ed?"
Ed muttered something sullen under his breath, settling a stack of papers with a 'click'.
"What was that?"
The teen turned around to glare at him. "I forgot to bring one, oh-mighty-colonel. Not like you're probably going to let me eat."
Mustang smiled, careful not to bare his teeth too ferociously. "Quite wrong, Fullmetal," he corrected. "I was going to see if you wanted to come along. I'm going out to eat, since Hawkeye isn't here."
Ed, quite understandably, looked wary. "…are you carrying poison?"
Mustang shrugged. "Do you really care, in your predicament?"
For a moment, he pondered this. Then, he shrugged as well. "Guess not." He managed to get up with quite a bit more grace this time, limping only slightly.
Mustang observed him carefully, taking special care to note any foam near the mouth. He certainly didn't want to get bitten and end up with rabies.
Ed, though, looked up at him with an uncomfortable expression. "You going or what?"
So far, the signs were not looking good.
-----
"That will be one mushroom ravioli, one plain spaghetti, and your phone number, if you please."
Roy said this all very lazily, a smirk on his face. The waitress huffed and stalked off, but he could see her smiling to herself at the other end of the restaurant.
Ed, slumped into a sulking position across from him, made a face. "You're disgusting, you know that?"
Roy raised an eyebrow, turning back to him. "She's quite pretty – I don't know what you mean."
Ed made an exasperated sound. " 'Yourphone number, if you please' ?" he imitated, rolling his eyes. "Do you have any idea how arrogant that sounded?"
Roy shrugged. "It's never failed me before, Fullmetal. If anything, you ought to be taking notes." He eyed the teen speculatively. "Though you'd probably have to try a different tact with that face."
Ed bolted upright instantly. "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" he demanded.
Roy rubbed at his chin, deep in thought. "It's more… girlish. You'd probably have to take the 'vulnerable, sensitive' route."
Ed's mouth dropped at this suggestion. "G-girlish?" he asked in a somewhat high voice, confirming Roy's suggestion.
"I did say so, didn't I?" he muttered. Delicate faces were a rare commodity. They weren't quite as effective as his own, the suave, handsome one, but certainly very close.
Ed seemed unable to manage a coherent response after his initial protest. His mouth was working soundlessly.
Roy tilted his head with a frown, thinking. He grabbed Ed's face, turning it to the side. "Perhaps you could pull off a boyish look. But that sometimes backfires, if they're not into younger men."
Ed's face was hot, which meant he was probably getting close to the breaking point. Roy smirked at him.
"Not in the restaurant," he taunted. "Wouldn't want to be in debt for a few years, would you?"
At this, Ed's face went completely slack, and Roy began to wonder whether he'd finally just broken him, as Fury kept suggesting he would one day.
He pulled his hand away – then, noting that Ed was still staring off into space, he snapped his fingers in front of him.
This had the unintended effect of making Ed fall straight backward as he jumped in fright. The hard 'thunk' of a head hitting the floor soundly made Roy wince. He'd almost forgotten about the reflex Ed associated with the gesture – namely, the frantic dodging of explosive blasts.
"Don't – do – that!" Ed hissed from the floor, struggling to sit up again. "Scared the hell out of me!"
Roy pretended to feel no guilt over it – not too hard, as what existed was in fact very minimal. "Your head is quite hard enough to survive a fall," he shrugged.
Ed opened his mouth to respond hotly – but then, his eyes went curiously glassy.
"Colonel," he said. "I didn't know you had a twin."
Roy only had the time to blink once before Ed fainted onto the table.
