Disclaimer: Gundam wing isn't mine.
Apology: yes, it took forever and a day. I'm sorry. Last semester simply left me with no energy for anything. (vertebrate anatomy comparison can do that.)
AUTHORS NOTE: February 6th, 2006. So I've finally begun going through these chapters and editing and fixing Relena's name because really, that just needs to be done. Since I'm about to write a new chapter, I've begun at the end, so I apologize for the inconsistency. I'm also looking for a Beta reader if there's anyone interested because frankly the number of typos I've come across is ludicrous.
Chapter 15
Reaching
By Evil Bunny
With a sharp gasp Relena's eyes flew open, blind though finally aware. The air pulled harshly into her lungs as her neck arched backwards amongst the spilled pillow of her hair, bowing her back. Her fingers grasped at nothing and everything, nails frantically searching as her eyes rolled up and sought refuge back behind her lashes.
With the second breath she seemed to come further into the room from wherever she'd retreated to, whatever haven or darkness she'd run to from the pain. Her eyelids sunk back down, almost covering the eyes which, though still desperately dancing about the room, now showed some sense of vision.
She knew where she was. The knowledge came swift and sudden, a lead weight that sat in her stomach and flowed through her limbs, fed by every sensation about her. She didn't know the specifics. She didn't know how she'd gotten here, but she knew this place. This hell. Knew it better than anything else in the world. Knew the smell that surrounded her, of cleanliness and death and despair. Knew the sharp pinprick of pain in her arm, a pain that connected her to god only knew what. Most of all she knew the fierce ache along her back which seemed to pulse about her.
Whatever they'd done this time burned like a living tattoo, its pattern morphing and changing even as she thought of it, melting its way into her bones, laying fierce claim to her once more. She almost expected the walls to be crawling with it, dark patters that swirled on the edge of awareness. Surely this much pain would make a mark on the world around her, a memory for all to see.
Relena swallowed the whimper crawling up her throat, concentrating on just breathing. The familiar mechanical beep of her too rapid heartbeat dominated the room, filling the small, sterile space. She couldn't hear anyone near her, could sense no looming presence. For the moment she was alone, and she wrung what comfort she could from that small fact. They must not have meant for her to wake up so soon, and she took pleasure in thwarting them even in this small act.
Her heartbeat continued, wrapping her in a white void where she floated apart from it all. The beat came from her heart, acted on her heart, fed back and forth until there was nothing else. She would have doubted her own existence if not for the uncomfortable reality of the bed beneath her cheek and fingertips, which rasped with the smallest movement and the heavy weight of the sheets about her legs.
Relena stared blankly at the wall in front of her. It was empty, painted a soft cream, its only defining feature a small window which reflected the paleness and emptiness of the room back at her as her heartbeat filled her ears.
A window? Since when was there a window? There were never any windows in these blank walls and bright lights and nightmares. She was underground, hidden, cut-off from all humanity and no longer even a member of those ranks. Relena shifted in confusion, trying to wrap her heavy thoughts around this discrepancy, searching now for other differences, trying to open herself to new information beyond her screaming muscles.
As her senses began to sluggishly return, and she started to test the limits of her confinement, the realization hit with a fizzing burst of adrenaline. Not only was she on her side and not forced onto her front, her back vulnerable to all the room, but she was unrestrained. There was nothing wrapped around her wrists or ankles, nothing constricting her breathing and movement. They'd forgotten.
Suddenly Relena was desperate to act before someone returned to fix their mistake, to laugh at her hope. She gave a shudder and rolled herself off the bed, landing without a hint of grace. The sharp pain in her arm told her that the IV had ripped out, but it and the impact of the floor on her bare knees and arms barely registered as the room whirled about her, her wings quickly hiding the spinning walls as they settled achingly on either side of her. Her head barely felt attached to the rest of her body, as if it floated far away, somewhere safe.
She could hear her heartbeat speed up and began forcing slow, even breaths into her lungs, forcing the air down like medicine. They mustn't hear her faster heart, mustn't come to investigate. They'd finally grown careless and she wouldn't have her own heart betray her chance at escape. This time she could flee, run from whatever world of pain they had concocted in their sick little minds, she could fight back.
She had to move, to get out, run, hide, somewhere, something. Something was different this time and she had to take advantage of it. She didn't have time to figure out what was going on, didn't have time to wait for Heero to find her.
The thought of his name gave her pause, immediately evoking warm eyes and warmer hands. Already on her knees she collapsed completely as images and thoughts and the memory of pure sensation crashed through her; helicopters that whipped her hair and feathers about them, cool green forests, a small cottage, Prussian eyes which promised everything, but most of all safety. Then that kiss, her lips still tingled from it, every nerve still reacted to just the phantom memory. Was any of it real? Could something so powerful actually be true?
Again Relena's too fast heartbeat brought her back to the tiny room as it thumped in her own ears and through her limbs like the countdown of a bomb. She didn't know if he was dream or flesh or some cruel plot but she couldn't just wait for him. Something had happened. Something which meant that she had woken up alone where she least wanted to be. He would just have to find her somewhere else.
There was no doubt in her mind that he would come for her. He had to. But she simply couldn't wait.
As quickly as she could Relena began to crawl towards the doorway that she could just make out from between the legs of the bed. Dragging herself on her forearms she hauled her still useless legs behind her, giving feeble kicks in an attempt to untangle them from the sheet that slithered amongst her legs, loath to give up its prize. They still barely seemed to work, whether from drugs or some more permanent damage she didn't know, and she had to fight the dead weight of her wings for every inch of ground.
At least she still wore the old worn dress from before. She still remembered the utter fear and sheer panic she'd felt when she first awoke on that operating table naked. Beyond the drugs and the pain, it had added something more primal, a vulnerability that held her more securely than the leather straps at wrist and elbow, knee and ankle. When the first doctor had walked in, with his needle and his cold eyes, when he'd touched her, she let go of any pride and screamed and sobbed so loudly they'd gagged her, but by the third time she barely noticed anymore. The doctors no longer even saw her as human, let alone a female. She was simply a meat canvas for their work. Honestly, she still wondered if that's all she was.
Still, the dress meant she wasn't dragging her own skin across the cold floor, and although she could never hope to be inconspicuous, clothing added its own comfort beyond the physical.
Each pull forward by her arms sent the strangest patterns of pain through her back, like ripples on a pond. She felt as if each scar had begun to smoulder, small air-starved embers that wanted only to break through the skin that they might burst into flame and consume them all.
Relena could feel each tile as she passed it, her senses now possessing a hypersensitivity to curse her already tender skin. The small ridges on the floor pressed into her like knives too dull to cut, kissing along her palms and legs, pressing through her dress to her stomach and breasts and scarping along her feet. She half-expected to leave a trail of blood behind her on the floor, but when she looked it was as white and clean as ever, without even any dust for her to leave a path in.
Her eyes also saw too much. The shadows cast by her own feathers fell like ravines, fissures, black chasms that danced around and under her, taunting her, asking her to fall in. The white was far too glaring, blinding, the black too distracting and she'd already forgotten what her goal was, why she was crawling along this floor, inflicting this torture on herself. All that was left was the urgency; that she had to keep moving, that something worse waited for her if she stopped even for a moment.
Lost in these sensations, in the mindless movement where the slightest shadow confused her and dust or grit seemed like needles, Relena didn't notice when she finally passed the bed or when the steady beep of the heart monitor ceased as the attachment wrenched off. She knew nothing but the immediate until suddenly, finally, her reaching fingers found the cheaply painted wood wall, jarring her out of her daze and back into her body.
The feel of the grainy wood contrasted so strongly with the cool, smooth tile that for a moment Relena couldn't stand to feel them both at the same time. Slowly she ran her hand along the wall, dragging herself closer. Finally her fingers caught on an edge. There it was, the crack that her tired eyes followed up to the dull doorknob.
Concentrate on one thing at a time. Each action got her further, they added up. The tremendous effort to remember why the doorknob was important was worth it. She wasn't helpless, didn't have to simply try and survive with some semblance of sanity, she could escape.
She would escape and he'd find her and he'd be so proud and happy that she'd managed to get out on her own, that she hadn't just passively waited for him to do all the work. He'd find her and pick her up in his arms and swing her about him in a happy circle as they laughed and her feathers would be like a canopy, like summer snow, like she was flying and finally they'd stop and he'd let her feet touch the ground but he wouldn't let go, he'd never let go. His eyes would get dark with that look that she didn't quite understand, but that deep down a part of her knew, wanted; the warm part of her, and it would begin to build deep in her stomach as she became more and more aware of everywhere they touched, how close they were getting, closer and…
At the sharp sound of footsteps Relena's eyes few open, again fighting the momentary blindness from the bright room, her cheek pressed hard against the tile, her fingertips now barely trailing the wall. How long had she lain there?
She could feel the footsteps like they were a part of her, an external heartbeat that pumped through every vein. She didn't know if she'd passed out or merely drifted off into a pleasant dream. Wasn't even sure if this was the reality, or merely another layer from the drugs. She might still be strapped down dreaming her escape.
Still, fantasy or not, she couldn't afford to slip in and out of consciousness. For a second the memory of her dream immobilized her. Was he real? But the danger of the approaching footsteps was much more pressing. Fear and indecision held her still for a moment more. There wasn't any way she could make it back to the bed. She knew this. Nor did she think she could willingly place herself back there, to be strapped down, drugged and god knew what else when she'd almost made it out this door, crawling the whole way through a torture she forced on herself.
No, if they came for her they'd have to drag her off the floor, and she'd fight every step of the way. But until then…she'd hide.
Pushing against the wall Relena slid slowly up against the door and tucked herself slowly behind where it would open. She pressed her face into the smooth barrier which was all that stood between her and discovery, horrifically aware that her wings spread out around her like a flag, a beacon.
The muscles along her back still crawled and spasmed along her bones, and she didn't dare lift the hated additions to try and hide them in a less visible position. She would simply have to leave her wings spilling out behind her onto the hospital floor and hide her face in the wall.
The steps neither sped up nor slowed down, coming inexorably closer, a steady sound that marked itself onto her skin and mind. She didn't have a hope. The moment anyone opened that door, they couldn't help but notice the empty bed and the girl hiding behind the doors. She wouldn't escape anything but the most blatantly negligent search, yet she still held her breath.
They were so close now that she expected them to see her already, to haul her up and hit her and lock her back in place.
Then they were past, going by the door without pause, without hesitation, without any indication of concern or knowledge of the contents of the room. She hadn't been discovered, found, forced back to the bed, knocked out cold only to awaken hours or days later, naked and cold, unsure what exactly had been done to her. What was going on?
With a small gulp Relena began breathing again, resuming the activity she'd given up during the last few moments of concealment. She let herself slump against the wall, letting it hold all her weight while she gave herself into a moment of relief, listening as the footsteps receded down the hall until even the echo and memory seemed faint and distant.
Then slowly she shifted her weight so that she could begin to reach, to try and find a way to reach the doorknob without breaking the tenuous control she still held over her traitorous body.
The smell of the hospital still promised pain, still clung to her, driving her forward as her fingers scrambled for purchase on the slick metal, nervous sweat making the simple act of opening seem beyond complex. Her hair kept straggling in her eyes, fighting against her, and she couldn't spare even the energy or concentration to brush it away.
Finally the mechanism clicked and the door swung open, taking her with it so that she swayed half out into the hall. The surprise of the movement, the stress on her back and the sudden exposure to the open hall nearly sent her surging back into the room, still holding the door, which would have undone all her painstaking work, but a panicked survey showed the hall as deserted as her room.
Using her grip on the door, Relena slowly levered herself up, senses straining for any sign of discovery. Each second of blindness created by her wings or hair she paid for in frantic increase of her heart and breathing.
The sluggish response of her muscles as she painstakingly brought first her knees then her feet under her seemed immaterial in comparison to the hot coals along her spine, but finally she stood upright, teetering and exposed, but standing.
Most of her weight rested along the door as she fought it closed, unsure how far she'd get without its solid presence. She still had no clear idea where she was going, only the inner mantra of away, away. Something was different and she was going to take advantage of whatever event had given her this opportunity. She had to get out. She had to find Heero.
The thought that he might be captured, imprisoned, dead, occurred to her, but was dismissed before fear barely paused her progress. She couldn't imagine a prison that could hold him, even if they had actually managed to catch him. No, he was somewhere outside looking for her, she had to get out of this building. Once she was outside, she'd be able to think clearly again and work out what had happened, how to find him.
Slowly Relena made her way along the hall, inching her way, pressed up against the wall as if along the edge of some great precipice which she feared falling into. Her eyes constantly searched for any threat, listening for more dreaded footsteps or even worse a shout of discovery and the raising of the alarms, but soon the effort of moving forward took all her focus.
The world narrowed once again to the movement of her feet and hands and her mind dwelt on green forests and lush grass, covering the upsetting hospital with a protective colouring of nature through which she continued to move.
The stairs were the worst. Even while clutching the banister as she went down their wide white steps, lit by bright lights and high windows, Relena slowly climbed the dark, twisting steps from her first escape attempt. They'd left her on the operating table for just a few minutes and she'd taken the chance. She still had the scar on her wrist from that flight, and she'd never even made it out of the stairwell.
She finally came to the bottom. There, past those double doors was an exit. She could see the light coming in through the windows.
With a return of caution Relena peered through the small window in the door that separated her from that last dash to freedom. It was busier here, she could see two young men in scrubs talking farther down the hall, and some sort of reception area off to the right, but surely she could get to the doors before they caught her. There were no guards, no guns or dark glasses, this would be her only chance.
She knew she couldn't make it back up those stairs behind her, already she could feel the exhaustion that her adrenaline fought beginning to win out, but surely she had enough energy for that last, desperate dash. She had to.
With a deep breath Relena launched herself at the door, breaking out in a slow, stumbling run. The exit filled her vision, her mind and thoughts. It represented everything.
She didn't see the shocked looks of the medical workers when she crashed through the doors as they saw a bedraggled angel run by them, nor did she hear the shout from down the hall. Relena ran with everything she had left, bare feet skidding on the slick floor, breathing harsh in her throat. This was the crucial moment, her luck just had to hold out a tiny bit longer.
She could see the outside through the window panes in the door, and then she was there. They hadn't caught her. She threw the door open and would have fallen right down the steps but just as she breathed in the fresh air, in that tiny pause as she moved to step outside, a hand wrapped around her arm and pulled her back, leaving the door to slam closed as she was swung almost violently around to face her captor.
