Chapter One
"Oh my gosh! Can you believe that we get to look after pretend babies? Babies are so adorable!" Lily Evan, a 7th year Gryffindor, walked eagerly into her transfiguration classroom while chatting excitedly with her best friend, Alice Cuthill. Professor McGonagall had introduced a new and unique program to the 7th year students at Hogwarts, AKA: Project: Prevent Parenthood. This program's purpose was to prevent the adolescents from producing their own monsters, by showing them what a nuisance they can be while you still have your whole life ahead of you. McGonagall hoped to make a lasting impression on these young minds, and to have some fun along the way. As Lily linked arms with Alice and they strode towards their 4th row seat, her fiery red hair swung behind her in a pendulum-like fashion. James Potter, accompanied by his fellow marauders, did not fail to notice this as he entered the classroom behind her, listening in on Lily and Alice's conversation. However, when James heard Lily speak of looking after pretend babies, he stopped dead in his tracks, and began opening and closing his mouth like a fish, and when no sound emitted, he began making frantic gestures towards Lily.
Finally, after much struggling and a threat of Sirius performing mouth-to-mouth, James forced out a few choice words, followed by, "Oi Lily-bean! Do we really have to look after pretend babies?"
Lily turned around and narrowed her bright emerald-coloured eyes at James's hazel ones. "Yes Potter, we do. Don't you read?"
James looked quite offended by this question. "Well, yes, of course I do, but where in the sodding hell…?"
"The notice board Potter," Lily interrupted, then turned away and resumed talking with Alice.
James turned to Remus, looking quite confused. "We have a notice board?" Remus nodded. "Since when?"
"Since forever Prongs," Remus said tiredly.
"Really! …Where?"
"You know, it's the rather large, cork board, which says NOTICE BOARD in large, scarlet letters, right next to the portrait hole."
James's face looked blank for a moment, and then he feigned a look of comprehension. "Riiiight! Of course I know what you're talking about!" Remus looked unconvinced, but let it slide as Professor McGonagall entered the room. The marauders took this as their cue to sit down in the 3rd row, with James and Sirius right in front of Lily and Alice, and Remus and Peter in the nest desk over on their right.
"Good morning class. Today will not be a typical Transfiguration class as most of you, excluding select few, should be well aware of." McGonagall shot James and Sirius a weary, glance, as if she believed them to be hopeless, which wasn't far from the truth. Snape sniggered at this, and James turned his head in Snape's direction, and gave him the dirtiest glare he could manage. Then James raised his fists, and caused them to resemble hand-puppet Pac-man mouths. Then James mimed that one mouth was him, and the other was Snape. Viciously, the James mouth gobbled up the Snape mouth.
James looked quite proud of himself until Lily tapped him on the shoulder and remarked sarcastically, "Oh how sweet! You and Severus practically just snogged!" James made a contorted face, turned to the front of the class, and sunk down in his seat, thoroughly disgusted, and barely listening to a word McGonagall was saying.
"Your baby is put together using genes of the selected partners, which creates the image of an actual baby. Your baby is programmed inside with a few microchips so that by the end of the program, and your child has grown into a 4-year-old; I may see exactly how you have treated your child. The child is obviously magically enhanced, so that it ages much quicker than a normal child. They will reach the age of 4 by the end of the four months, and you will get to see how you have impacted the way your child reacts to other children in a pre-school situation. Now, all of you names have been put in this jar, and when I call your names you will pick out a piece of parchment, and the name on the parchment will be your pretend spouse. I must enforce the rule of, NO SWITCHING PARTNERS! Now listen for your name. Alcott, Karen..." McGonagall read through the list in alphabetical order. Finally, she reached, "Evans, Lily!"
Smiling, Lily walked confidently up to the large glass jar. Once she had picked a piece of parchment, and carefully but eagerly unfolded it, the wide, happy grin slid right off her face. "NO!" She turned, horrified, to look at Professor McGonagall who was barely suppressing a smirk. "You CAN NOT let this… this INJUSTICE happen!" James perked up at this.
Forcing her mouth into its everyday thin line, McGonagall used her most commanding voice. "Miss Evans, who is your partner?"
Her face turning slightly red, Lily Evans, Head Girl and straight O student, began shouting at her Head of House at the top of her lungs. Keep in mind that Lily, having grown accustomed to screaming at James for that past 6 year, had a very large lung capacity. "IT'S THAT EGOTISTICAL, WANKER, TOERAG, PRATTISH GIT, IMBECILE, IDIOTIC…!" Now James's hopes were getting very high.
"Miss Evans! Do not shout those rude words in my classroom. The name please, what is the name?"
Lily seemed to calm down slightly, realizing what she was doing, and her eyes narrowed. "Potter," She muttered darkly.
"What's that Miss Evans?"
"POTTER! THE BLOODY NAME IS POTTER!" Lily turned to face James, who was grinning widely, and growled at him. James was a little taken aback by this, but his smile only faltered slightly.
"LILY-BEAN IS GOING TO MOTHER PRONGS JUNIOR!" Lily growled again. "Of course, only in terms of this class," he added timidly, for the sake of his safety.
Lily stalked over to James, shoved Sirius violently out of his seat, and sat down next to him. "Potter?"
"Yes?"
"What if the baby's a girl?"
"Then we shall dub her Prongsette!"
"How about Georgina for Bridget?"
"No, they're too
"Fine, what about Jennifer? Jenny for short …?"
James tapped his chin for a moment and looked slightly thoughtful; but only for a split second "Okay, I give you Jenny for a girl. But what is it is a Prongs?"
"Well, then there's Daniel, Michael, Curtis…"
"I don't like those."
"Then what do you like?"
"How about something with an H….?"
"Like what, Harold, Harvey…?"
No, like…Harry. How about Harry James Potter?"
Lily looked quite astonished. "That's actually a good name, Potter. I'm very surprised."
"Umm, if it's a girl would you like her to be Jennifer Lily Potter?" James looked very hopeful, that Lily would acknowledge the 'Lily Potter' in there. After a couple seconds, Lily nodded slowly.
"Okay, just don't blow her up."
"I WILL NOT BLOW OUR PRONGSETTE UP!" Lily looked unconvinced.
"Alright, I was just checking."
"Why did you have to?" James was eyeing her suspiciously.
"Er, standard parenting procedure," Lily answered nervously, faltering under his questioning gaze.
"Really!" James asked, completely convinced. Lilt nodded. "Well I mustn't have been listening..." Lily rolled her eyes and James continued. "Okay, then it's my turn. Will you blow our child up?"
"No."
"Set it on fire?"
"No."
"Eklektroyute it?"
"It's actually electrocute, but no James, I won't."
"YOU JUST CALLED ME JAMES!"
"No I didn't…"
"Yes you did!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"ALRIGHT FINE, I DID YOU BLOODY TOSSER! BUT WHO SODDING CARES? THAT IS YOUR NAME, ISN'T IT?"
"Yes."
"STOP SAYING THAT BLOODY WORD...muuumph!"
Lily's hair had gotten slightly in the way of her mouth, as James had shoved it there. Spitting it out hastily, Lily glared at him and raised a fist. James began to cower, as his previous experiences with an enraged Lily had not ended so well. She had a very violent disposition. James was beginning to wonder why he loved Lily so much in the first place. After all, even if 'they' did stand a chance together, it was clear that Lily would be the one wearing the trousers in that relationship. James gave Lily a meek look. "Sorry…" he said hesitantly
Seeming to deflate a bit, Lily's expression softened. "It's okay Potter." She then started to giggle. Just a tiny giggle emitted at first, but soon she elapsed into millions of tiny, silent giggles, giving the impression that she was having a convulsion.
"What is so sodding funny?"
Gasping for air, giggling a bit more, then breathing in again, Lily replied, "You just…looked so…FRIGHTENED!" She began to giggle again, and then kept going. "God knows why you're scared of me; you're like three feet taller than me, and rather fit." Realizing what she had said, Lily clapped a hand over her mouth. James raised his eyebrows at her, and Lily turned quite red. "Err…of course by fit I meant, er, in shape you know, not like your attractive or anything, because really, you know, all I was really saying, I that your not….grossly obese. Yeah, that's it. Because if you were you wouldn't be in shape, and you're not obese, so therefore," Lily took a deep breath, "You're in shape."
No matter how hard Lily tried to make it seem like she did not find him attractive in the least, James would wait a long time before letting the fact that 'his' Lily-bean had called him fit. It would forever be a secret memory, a secret triumph, a secret…
"LILY-BEAN THINKS I'M SEEEEEXY! SHE WANTS TO HUUUUUUGG ME! SHE WANTS TO SNOOOOGG ME! SHE WANTS TO SHAAA…!"Lily had clapped a hand over his mouth to prevent him from causing her to have to kill him, and promptly, James began to lick it. Now Lily was face with a very sticky situation. She did not want James screaming about her wanting to go at it with him, nor did she want him to snog her hand. So, very quietly, Lily picked up her copy of Advanced Charms Grade 7 with her, unoccupied, hand, and then quickly beat James over the head it, causing him to be knocked out and slump to the floor. Then quickly, Lily stowed away her book to hide the evidence, and scourgified her hand, and just in time too. McGonagall came striding over, and when she saw James unconscious on the ground and Lily standing behind him, looking blankly down at him, she sighed very loudly. Would those two EVER learn to get along? "What in the name of Merlin happened to your partner Miss Evans?"
"He, er, fainted...Professor"
"Why?"
"From…the shock of, er, getting to spend inordinate amounts of time with me."
"He fainted from excessive happiness?"
"Yes Professor."
"Take him to the hospital wing, Miss Evans."
"Yes Professor." Lily levitated James using levicorpus, so that he was dangling unconscious by his ankle, and was headedtowards the door, and the safety of not being caught for causing intentional physical harm to another student, when McGonagall called to her again.
"Oh, and Miss Evans?"
"Yes Professor?"
"Exactly how thick was the book you knocked him out with?"
"Very thick Professor."
"I see. Now off to the hospital wing."
"Yes Professor." Lily nodded her head in obedience. However, once in the safety of the corridors, she began cursing and in her preoccupied state she accidentally knocked the floating upside down James into several suits of armor, and a candle sticking out of the wall. She very much hoped that James would not notice the scorch marks on his clothes.
When Lily finally arrived at the Hospital Wing, Madame Pomfrey came bustling to the doors, and when she saw James dangling upside down she looked shocked. "Surely you know, Miss Evan, when people are upside down for excessive amounts a time that all their blood rushed to their heads?" Indeed, James face was exceedingly red, Lily began to laugh, and Madame Pomfrey looked horrified that Lily found the fact that all of James's blood was in his head. "What a horrible sense of humor you have! Take him down this instant Miss Evans!" With a flick of Lily's wand James came tumbling down and landed with a hard thud on his head. Lily kept laughing, but then saw a bit of blood coming from his head.
"OH MY GOD!"
"Yes dear, didn't you realize that if you drop someone from 10 feet in the air onto their heads that they would injure themselves?" Madame Pomfrey shook her head, and levitated James properly into one of the hospital wing beds. Lily was still I shock.
"Oh!"
"Miss Evans, stop screaming."
"My!"
"Miss Evans..." Madame Pomfrey urged.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD!" Lily was now going into hysterics. She could not stand blood, or being the one to cause someone to bleed. Even if it was Potter.
"I KILLED POTTER! I KILLED HIM! I KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLED HIM! OH MY GOD I'LL BE SENT TO AZKABAN! I KILLED THE FATHER OF MY BABY!"
"Miss Evans, surely your not...er, with child?"
"Of course I'm not, it's just a project but still, I KILLED HIM! MY POOR JENNY WON'T HAVE A FATHER!"
"Miss Evans you did not kill him, you merely made his head bleed slightly."
"Oh but you don't understand! First I hit him over the head with my Advanced Charms book, which is very thick by the way, and then he smashed into suits of armor and burning candles, and then, I DROPPED HIM ON HIS HEAD! HE'LL PROBABLY HAVE SERIOUS BRAIN DAMAGE NOW!"
"Miss Evans, he is fine. Look, he is even coming round now. I'll leave you two alone." Lily walked into the little area closed off by white curtains and sat on the chair beside his bed. When James saw her there, he smirked.
"So, you hit me with your book? And dropped me on my head? What an excellent healer you'll make some day Lily-bean."
"Oh shove it Potter. You know just where you can go."
"Tisk, tisk! First hurting me and then telling me to shove it? Where's you sympathy Lily-bean?"
"It went down the loo as soon as I met you. Besides, it's your entire fault that I hurt you."
"Oh, how is it my fault?"
"BECAUSE YOU SNOGGED MY HAND!"
Authors Note: And there you have it, I've had this idea for a while, but couldn't figure out how to start in. They probably won't actually get their babies until either the end of the next chapter or beginning of the 3rd. Anyways, in order to update I'd like to get at least 6 or 7 reviews (maybe more), because I know that Lily and James stories under humor get a lot of hits, so I'd like a lot of reviews too, whether or not you like it. If don't like it, please say why though so I can fix it. Anyways, press the little purplish button! (the one that says Submit Review)
P.S. If any of you think lily is a bit OOC, (because of all her swearing) I must tell you that the only reason she uses bad language is because James pisses her off so much. Hmmm...won't their child have a potty mouth?
