The wedding was everything Michelle wanted it to be and more. it wasn't too sappy nor was it stale. As she took the frame out of the box, she wiped off the dust to reveal the picture that had brought forth this memory. They were so happy then. And Michelle was determined, now more than ever that this time around things would work out...for good.
Tony was in the shower after a long nap on the couch. He had tried not to wake Michelle when he got up, but there were some things she wanted to do without him noticing. For example, putting up all of the old pictures of them together.
It was now 5 p.m. on the day of Tony's kidnapping, but to Michelle it felt like years had past. Probably because she had been waiting so long to cuddle up in Tony's lap with a bowl of cereal and the tv on in the background. They had intended to talk through some things, but soon fell asleep.
Michelle turned from the mantle where she put up the last of the recently abandoned pictures. She looked through the cabinets and the fridge to find anything remotely good to eat for dinner. Nothing. She wouldn't hear the last of it if their first dinner back together was Macaroni and Cheese. Then again, she could stand a few jokes like the old days.
Tony walked into the kitchen with a towel around his waist to find Michelle's head deep into the back of the fridge. As she stood he grabbed her waist, not reluctantly but gently, carefully. They hadn't really gotten a whole lot of resolving time in yet and he didn't want to go too far. Not now.
"Oh my God, you scared me," Michelle said when she felt his warm hands.
Tony turned her around and stared into her eyes. He could tell that she longed to be back together as much as he did... and that was enough.
He kissed her gently and then more passionately but pulled away after a minute.
"You weren't going to cook were you?" he said with a smile
"There's nothing to cook, smarty"
"Fine. you go take a shower, i'll go to the grocery store"
"But you don't have any clothes on."
"yeah i noticed you stole them "
"Relax, they're in the dryer. There's a few shirts and some pants in the bottom drawer of the dresser that you forgot"
They both looked at each other. The subtle remembrance of the last year and a half was enough to stop them for a second. Tony cleared his throat.
"Ok, I'll go get some clothes on you take your shower and then we'll head to the grocery store together."
Michelle responded with a quiet "ok" and turned towards the bathroom.
"Michelle," Tony said reaching for her arm.
"Yeah," she turned around.
"I love you."
It was so unexpected that it took her off guard. Could it really be like this again?
She leaned up to his lips and kissed him then gently whispered "you too" in his ear as she turned back towards the bathroom.
The idea of having dinner made at home was appealing, but by the time Michelle had taken her shower and they were out it seemed like a better idea to eat out. They went to a small Chinese restaurant five miles away from their house and sat at a small booth in the back.
Oddly enough, neither of them were nervous. It almost felt as if they didn't need to talk, like the day had pretty much explained their previous heartache and then their joy and reuniting. But they both knew that it was necessary to talk it out and hit the key sore spots.
They ordered their food quickly as it was now 7 pm on a Wednesday night and only 3 other customers sat around them. Tony broke the silence.
"So…20 questions?" he asked in a tone that made Michelle love him that much more. He was going to downplay this so it was comfortable for them to talk and not like that had to get it out of the way. She also laughed because it alluded to their first date.
"Sure. You start."
"Favorite new artist" he asked with a smile.
"You have got to be kidding."
"20 is a lot. I've got some to spare."
"You're not kidding… ok um. Carrie Underwood."
"Ah, country?" he asked disappointed.
"Not country completely. She's the idol; she can do anything she wants." Michelle defended her choice." But apparently we aren't going to agree on that subject. "Favorite new movie."
"I'll have to go with Mr. and Mrs. Smith"
"How fitting" Michelle let out with a grin. "We think our divorce was tragic, how bout Brad and Jen!"
Tony nodded his head with a smirk. They were now feeling comfortable to make jokes about the divorce…and in the past tense.
"Ok. Real question time."
Michelle felt her expression grow more serious. "ok."
"why Seattle?"
"I couldn't stay at CTU. I could stand to be in LA but the thought of walking in CTU everyday without you killed me. When Seattle restructuring came along I figured it was worth it that they would pay for my coming home every weekend."
"Fair enough."
"And why did you not like my going?"
"I wasn't thrilled that two months after I was sent to jail, you were leaving only to be back on the weekends. Your visits kept me sain."
"It hardly felt that way when I came."
"I know I was cold and I am so sorry. I just never knew what to say."
"That was a first for you and me. No matter what you always knew what I needed to hear and there I was the only one talking, having no idea what you went through for the week that I was gone."
"You leaving was harder when I got out." Tony admitted.
"God, I hated leaving. Boarding that plane every Sunday night. Honestly, though, I was more terrified of getting off the plane on Thursday. Not knowing what was going on or if you would even show up to meet me at home."
"It was hard for me to think of being there when you got home. Like you had a greater allegiance now to your job than to us."
"I just can't believe we let it get so low that you would actually believe that. You know I love you more than that, right?"
"Of course I do. You just agreed to leave work for us. That has to be good for something", Tony smiled. Her leaving work truly meant everything to him.
"Truth be told, though, it was easier to fly off to this fantasy work world where I didn't have to think about complicated real life at home… and before you ask, Bill had nothing to do with that."
"Good, and Jen had nothing to do with why I wasn't there to meet you when you got home. I didn't even know Jen before we separated."
"That's reassuring. I was restless at the thought of another woman you had at home."
"Michelle. I need you to know that I never quit loving you and that I never meant to ever push you away… At least not consciously."
"I never wanted to leave you."
"So what happened? How did something neither of us wanted end up so out of our control?"
"I think it's because we wanted too much control over what we did want. You wanted me to loosen up and be ok with the fact that you were in your mid-30's and being a couch potato lazy bum whereas I didn't want to stop doing anything for fear that this front I had put up would come crashing down….and it did."
"Julie said she had talked to you."
"She did. She's the reason that I left that day."
Michelle drifted into thought of that fateful night when she knew it was time to leave.
flashback
She remembered it well. About four months after Tony had gotten out of prison he still hadn't gotten a job and was quite content spending the rest of his life on the couch. His lips touched the coffee mug more than they touched hers. Even worse, the feeling that drinking gave him provided more comfort than she did. That hurt. And it wore away at Michelle.
Perhaps the worst, though, were the weeknights. At this point Michelle left every weekend (Friday morning to Sunday night) for Seattle and spent the weekdays at LA Division in a transition phase. The restructuring project was nearly finished so a couple of days a week in Seattle would suffice. It was obvious, however, that Tony hardly appreciated, much less recognized Michelle's sacrifice to be with him during the majority of her free time.
Nevertheless, her sacrifice nearly always seemed in vain. Many nights, like this one, Tony was no where to be found.
It was nearly 9 by the time Michelle made it home that night. The house was moderately clean. To most people the absence of drunken beer bottles would be comforting. To Michelle that just meant that Tony was out drinking somewhere else.
She didn't let her mind dwell in that thought, though. She needed to shower and pack up. It was a Thursday night and she would leave at 8 the next morning for Seattle. The packing and cleaning the house offered distraction that Michelle needed most in these times. If she weren't busy she might be tempted to leave.
As she finished blow drying her hair after her shower she heard the phone ring. She reluctantly moved for the phone.
"Hello?"
"Michelle?" the voice asked.
"Yeah. Hey Jules," Michelle responded to her sister-in-laws familiar voice.
"He's not there is he?" she asked hoping that for one minute she might catch her brother at his house with his wife in the world he should be in.
"No. Haven't seen him tonight. Can a give him a message?"
"No, that's ok. I just wanted to see if he would mind putting together Walker's new bike. Ben is out of town with Walker and I wanted to surprise them when they got back but I can barely reach around my stomach."
Michelle didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the image of the two trying to teach a kid how to ride a bike. She longed for that with all of her heart. Maybe not even the kid. Just some kind of normal interaction with her spouse.
"Well you have my sympathy and I will definitely pass that on. If you want I can help. I've been known to fix a few bikes in my day." Michelle vividly remembered teaching Audrey, Danny's oldest, how to ride.
"That would be wonderful!" Julie was happy that her sister-in-law hadn't shut her out. "But wait. Don't you go to Seattle tomorrow?"
Michelle swallowed hard. Of course she had to go to Seattle. What else would she be doing but working?
"Yeah. I'm sorry Jules"
"No, that's ok" there was a short pause. ... So Tony's not there to see you off."
"Shocking, I know" Michelle replied in resentful sarcasm.
"Michelle, I love my brother with all of my heart but I want to dare to go off the record." Julie began boldly.
"a-ok..." Michelle replied anxiously. She had no idea of where this was going.
"He's being a jerk. To you, to his family, to his friends. And I can't stand that he's getting you down like he is… Have you considered leaving, if just for a little while."
"Jules..." Michelle didn't really know what to say. "Look, I know Tony's not at his greatest right now and God knows I hate our situation. But I think I owe it to him to give him this chance."
"So he can what? Come in tomorrow sit on the couch leave in the afternoon to 'hang' with the guys and come home past midnight for another four months?"
What she said was harsh but brought the cold reality to the forefront of Michelle's mind. Every night before bed she gave separating a thought and every time she woke up in the morning she couldn't do it. The circle was exhausting.
"You see, Chelle, what the two of you are going to have to understand at some point is that you can not keep score like this. In a loving relationship there is no record. Tony saved your life at the expense of 6 months of his. He loved you that much. The only thing you have to do is love him in return and you are even. If he loved you enough to save you then he should love you enough to keep you. Period. At this point I think the action of love would be to leave him. Wake him up. Because I don't believe for a moment that he doesn't love you anymore. I think he really believes that he can just get away with calling in his favor for the rest of your lives."
"I think what kills me most, Julie, is that my loving him in return is not enough. He can't get past being angry and bitter for 2 seconds long enough to realize that we can move on if he would quit feeling sorry for himself."
"Then Michelle, you just found your answer."
She thanked Julie for the advice and went to the kitchen to make herself some coffee. She sat in the living room flipping through a photo album of her and Tony.
Finally she had made her decision. She got a pen and some paper and wrote out her feelings to Tony. It was short but sweet and to the point. She went and picked up boxes from behind the strip where Leo's restaurant was. The memories there made tears fall down her face as she drove. Appropriately, it was raining.
When she got back home around 11, Tony was still no where to be found. She started packing some of his things up in the boxes. This was, after all, her house. As she rummaged through drawers she found a small black velvet box and opened it. There, inside, laid Tony's wedding ring. She had noticed he wasn't wearing it recently but to be packing it up made this all surreal. She finally went to bed a little after midnight and Tony rolled in about an hour later. He didn't even notice the boxes as he made his way to the bed where his wife lay.
The next morning Michelle woke up, got her coffee to go, grabbed her bag, and took a second look at the house. Today was the last time she would leave and come back without Tony being there. She was torn in her heart between her husband and the man that lay on their bed nearly passed out in alcohol consumption.
Tony woke up around noon and walked into the living room, squinting in the light to find boxes and a note on top that read...
Tony,
I leave again this morning for Seattle. My heart is torn over this decision but I don't know what else to do. We are drifting further apart each day and in rapid amounts. I can't stand to question your love and live with you questioning my love in return. Thank you for the times that you were a wonderful husband. You knew what I needed and when and made it your purpose to make me happy.
I can't say that you are that man now which is why I am writing this. I've already filled many boxes with your stuff. Take what you want from the kitchen and go wherever it is that has been your home for the last four months. I want you out of the house when I get home on Sunday. If by then you decide you want to talk I will be more than willing to do so. I do love you.
Michelle
p.s.- Call Julie
Tony was furious. But he did what Michelle said out of rage. If she didn't want hime there, he wasn't going to stay. Needless to say, he didn't call Monday morning. He moved into Pete's place, a friend of his a couple of miles away. Michelle called on Tuesday only to find that this was not the push Tony needed to wake up and be a husband. Asking him to leave pushed him far enough away to quit caring. As if the relationship was not mendable. 2 months later the divorce was final and he didn't see Michelle for 6 months after that.
(after day four)
Tony and Michelle talked for another hour until closing. While this was everything they had dreamed of and more, it was all surreal and happening fast!
But they did want it. They wanted to talk to each other like best friends again, only now they were best friends with a little history. And that was ok. It was also just fine with them that things were getting back to normal (if things ever were "normal") quickly. After all, they did live in a fast paced world…until now.
And while the future may have seemed uncertain that night they didn't seem to care. Out of character for these people who found some comfort in being in command; figuring out what to do next on a whim.
But their jobs also prepared them for sporadic changes and uncertain events. For now they liked rolling with the punches and being in the moment. It was what they were trained to do best.
They went back to Michelle's place, their place, again. In the course of the dinner conversation they had talked about Tony at least moving back in and he was delighted at once again driving by default to their house. It had been a while since he didn't even have to think about where he was going. For now both of their brains were on auto-pilot. And they liked it.
They drove up into the driveway and got out. Michelle searched her purse for the key. Once they had reached the doorstep and still no key, Tony looked at Michelle expectantly. Michelle looked up nervously.
"Oh my God!" Tony laughed and scratched his face. "How do you get locked out of your own house?"
"Shut-up! I'm looking," Michelle defended.
She gave up and dumped the contents of her purse on the doorstep.
They both rummaged through and still no key.
"Maybe my purse spilled in the car. My lipstick is gone, too," Michelle suggested.
"Or," Tony began joking. "Someone broke into the car while we were eating, took your purse and decided that the only 2 valuable things in there were your house key and your lipstick."
"Hey!" Michelle pointed. "Don't joke, that was a really pretty color lipstick. I would have taken it!"
They got back over to the car.
Tony opened his door as Michelle opened hers. And there they searched under the chairs.
Tony watched as Michelle all but crawled under the passenger seat. Since she hadn't ever really fixed her hair after her shower, curls were going everywhere. He was taken then by his love for this woman.
"I found it!" Michelle beamed.
As she looked up at him with her face lit up, key in hand, he leaned in to kiss her.
"What was that for?" Michelle asked once it broke.
"Shhh" Tony replied getting up and motioning to the door. "Bring that key."
Michelle looked confused but gladly complied
Tony opened the door and, arm around her waist, kissed Michelle again. Passionately.
Michelle broke it for a moment. "Tony, I have to get my stuff off the ground."
Tony kissed her again.
"Why, any more lipstick for the mystery burglar to take? Leave it."
He kissed her again.
"Oh my God, I didn't even find the lipstick!" Michelle said playfully, now in somewhat irrelevance to the mood. Tony kissed her again.
"Ah, oh well. It wasn't that important," she said, kissing him back this time.
Tony laughed at her playfulness and kissed her as they made the trip back to their bedroom. Michelle knew once and for all that this was her Tony. The husband she had so longed for over the past 18 months had come back into her world as quickly as he had left.
But he wasn't her husband anymore… not yet…
