Harry Potter and the Fluffy Pink Unicorn

By Sakura Granger


DISCLAIMER: If you couldn't tell already, this is a parody. A mockery. A satire. I am imitating the stereotypical Suethor, so there will be serious OOCness, warping of canon, and purple prose ahoy. That is all. –beep.-


It was dark. Darker than the darkest dark you could ever dark with your dark. Or your mom's dark. It wouldn't matter anyway, because Harry Potter's window was covered with the blood from his pale, bloodstained wrists. "Voldemort – must – die – why – won't – Hermione – love me – back?"

Suddenly there was a crash. Harry looked up, his emerald green eyes set on the startling sight in front of him. In front of him was a… fluffy pink unicorn?

"A fluffy pink unicorn? What the kawaii is going on here?" Harry pouted, his lips forming a perfect circle.

The unicorn laughed. It freaking laughed. This was weird.

"Of course I'm a fluffy pink unicorn! What else would you think?" it said.

"Uh.. maybe that I might be drunk?" Harry scowled.

"Silly boy." The unicorn transformed into teh HAWTEST girl Harry had ever seen. "Forget Hermione, self. This girl's HAWT!" Harry pulled her into a deep, slobbery, R-rated kiss. The girl immediately broke away and slapped him across the face. "You doo-doo head!" She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Aww… she's so CUTE!" Harry gushed.

"Shut up, lowlife. My name is Hekate Lurlina Nessarose the Eighteenth, but you can call me… Kat."

"Kat? Sorry, but there's already thirty new girls going by Kat. I won't be able to remember you."

"Fine, call me Hekkie." Hekate Lurlina Nessarose said.

"OK… Hekkie." Harry hugged her for no reason at all.

"Get off, freak. Now where do you keep the firewhiskey?" Hekkie's voice suddenly switched from melodious and siren-like and became grovelly, raspy, and unpleasant. It was as if she became her aunt Pamela, who was short, ugly, and demanded cigarettes ever time she visited. She sounded like a man with bronchitis. Aunt Pamela, I mean. Not Hekkie. But now Hekkie does. Never mind.

Harry gave Hekkie his stash of the magical alcholoic beverage and waved like a Miss America wannabe as Hekkie drank her way out of the dormitory.

"Wow, that Hekkie sure is something… hey, why are my hands all bloody?" Harry whined as he made his way toward the common room to take a nap on the couch, even though it was three in the morning already and everyone was in bed.


That's it for now, as I have this inconvenience called Life to attend to. Something about "sleeping"… oh, wait, it's almost 11:00 PM.