Drunk Plunger
NOTE: I do not encourage the use of intoxicated cleaning supplies. I hear it is illegal in most US states and Canada, as well as the city of Las Vegas. I think it's a violation of the 18th amendment or something… I'm kidding. The 18th Amendment is null and void.
Addendum: I don't own anything in the fanfics I write. If I did, I'd have a national monument in my name in front of the White House. Except they'd probably spell it wrong and Bush wouldn't be able to say it correctly. Hey, he can't even say "Nuclear." (eyeroll)
"Fifty points from Gryffindor, Mr. Finnigan." Snape snapped. Seamus had been trying to get his hands on Hekkie, more specifically her sweet lavender hair. Hekkie strangled him.
"Now, who can tell me the origin of Martha's Vineyard's wine? Anyone? Miss Granger?" Snape glared at Hermione, who was a bit baffled by the question. She knew the origin of wine like the back of her hand, but she didn't know a whole lot about Martha's Vineyard. Heck, she didn't remember where it was.
"Erm, Professor, what exactly does Martha's Vineyard wine have anything to do with Potions?" Hermione intelligently asked.
"What does your mom have anything to do with Potions?" Harry snapped back.
"What does your FACE have anything to do with Potions?" Hekkie shot back at Harry, who was in turn shooting back at Hermione, who was in turn shooting back at He-Who-Must-Buy-Shampoo. I mean Toby. Er, Eileen. No, wait, that's not the kid's name. Oh, yeah, ickle Sevvy-kins. What a bratty little snot he was. Oh how I'd loathe being his nanny. Eesh. Remind me to stay away from him as a child. Oh, wait, what year is it already?
"Hey, narrator, focus! You're ruining my reputation as a tragically sexy and misunderstood Potions master!" Severus snapped at Gladys the Narrator. She jumped out of the window and drowned in the lake.
"Uh… Martha's Vineyard?" Susan Bones asked.
"Right. Well, today I'd thought we'd shove our 'magical' potion ingredients and create Elderberry Nectar. I believe this is what caused your fathers to smell of elderberries. As for your hamster mothers, I still have not figured that out, but I'm sure Gilderoy Lockhart has an excellent theory. You should visit him at St. Mungo's sometime. It's really quite a pleasant experience, as opposed to his teaching here-"
"Erm, Professor, I think you're getting a little distracted. Why are we making this elderberry nectar?" Hermione asked.
"Because I LIKE elderberry nectar. I'm too lazy to make my own breakfast OR to go down to the Great Hall. Such a hassle these days with all these kids running around. What's happened to common courtesy these days? Seriously, it's enough to make one go mad…"
"OK, so why Martha's Vineyard wine?" Ron asked.
"Because it's American and I have a bit of an obsession with American things like… Simon Cowell, for example."
"Simon Cowell's not American! He's a Brit, like us. Wait – what does Simon Cowell have to do with Martha's Vineyard anyway?" Harry shouted.
"Nothing; he's just awesome." Snape blushed.
"Weirdo." Hekkie snorted. The whole class burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter, a waterfall of tears coming out from each individual eye.
"Enough. Anyway, what is the purpose of this Elderberry Nectar?" Hekkie asked intelligently. Moreso than Hermione, of course, as Hermione is not awesome enough to have lavender hair cascading to the floor.
"We are going to enchant these Muggle household supplies with the Elderberry Nectar so we can" - Snape's (intentional) coughing made it difficult to understand the end of his sentence here - "get rid of Filch already." Snape then struck a Vanna White pose as he pointed to the plunger, mop, and vacuum cleaner.
"Erm, Professor, wizards use plungers and mops too…" Lavender Brown piped up.
"True, but wizards enchant their stuff." Dean Thomas explained.
There was a silence. An awkward silence. More awkward than you can awk with your ward. Or your grandma's nephew's ex-fiancée's coworkers' voodoo doll's hair extension's manufacturer's fantasy dream girl's nonexistence's grandma's ward. Or your mom's ward, as always.
"Riiiiiiiiiight." Hekkie muttered. She then proceeded to swipe the elderberries, sugar, and a bottle, pressed it together to make the nectar, and poured the entire thing into the bottom of the plunger.
The entire class at this point was "ooh"ing and "aah"ing, and has since began to cheer like sugar-high cheerleaders. Even Snape.
The plunger itself was a little tipsy. Well, hello, it's a Muggle plunger. It didn't get the opportunity to drink the owner's firewhiskey while they were gone like all the other magical household items did. The poor thing. What a shame.
The plunger tried to keep itself balanced, but ended up falling on its… side. It got back up again and tried to position itself on Snape's collarbone. It fell on the floor again. This sort of behavior continued for about 45 minutes. By the time it was finished, class was almost over. Snape was less than thrilled with the plunger. He promptly tossed it out the door.
Hekkie, on the other hand, was receiving a lot more attention, with the addition to the Hufflepuffs worshipping every vestigial organ in her body. Which there were many, by the way. The Gryffindors wanted to be part of her so badly that they'd even drink her gastric juices through a lime green bendy straw. Which, by the way, is totally gross.
The day was almost over, and as half the school buried themselves underneath Hekkie's feet, the rest of the school wondered how exactly this mysterious girl could lend a hand in destroying Voldemort. They planned on having a giant school assembly to discuss the matter the next day.
I solemnly swear I will write more fanfiction. I haven't yet finished the end of Annoying the Teen Titans, so I should probably do that. Queen of Duct Tape is writing Death Eater Files next to me. They are really funny. Y'all will like 'em.
