Arnold was cross legged on his bed and breathing. Six seconds in. Five then out. He tried to clear his mind. To focus on his breathing. This always made him calm. He tried to squeeze it in every morning before work. It made him feel like he wasn't going to do a job in thirty minutes. Something intruded on his mind.
He was 14 then. He asked to speak with the preacher. He had been in fear about the talk all week but it seemed right. He needed guidance. The church he went to was a traditionally black protestant church. One day when he was 10 Gerald invited him to come and Arnold was struck by the experience, before then he had never considered faith. Though it made sense to him that there was someone who judged people for their deeds. That decided their fate. He was always an optimist. That good intentions brings good results. God made sure that was sure. So he asked his grandfather to go to that church often. The only white kid in the whole place. The preacher was a big man. He had a dark black mustache. He was a good man. He had counseled him before. He wanted to get through to someone he hoped to be a friend, to become a friend but she denied him. He had given sage advice then so he hoped he could help now.
They sat in the back of the church. The curtains were drawn. Arnold sat for a while. The pastor was patient with him. He had done this before. Arnold had trouble getting started. Arnold swallowed and opened his mouth but words didn't come out. He tried to start again. "I've been having these impure thoughts, Pastor Williams."
"I don't need too many details but what do you mean by impure thoughts?"
"I mean sexual thoughts about… boys."
"Arnold." The pastor thought about what to say. "This is the time where you become yourself. When your body begins to tell you what you desire as a human being. Some of us are born attracted to men, some attracted to women, or even both."
"Is it wrong? It feels wrong."
"It's not wrong. Arnold, you were born this way. If god made you that way then there's nothing to do about it."
"The book says it's wrong."
"The book says many things. It talks of owning slaves. It was written by men not god. It's not infallible."
Arnold was quiet. "So if I were to be with a boy. There'd be nothing wrong with it?"
"There wouldn't, Arnold. God is love. Embrace love."
"I've prayed against myself. I wanted desperately to not be gay. Though if you think I'm fine, I guess I am."
"Many of the clergy wouldn't agree with me, Arnold. They take the book at its word, exactly. But if you're god's design then you must be beautiful."
"Thank you, pastor."
"If you ever need to speak with me again, Arnold, do not hesitate. I'm here for you." He walked up to Arnold and patted him on the back. Arnold stood and walked out with him.
Arnold had been soothed partially by pastor Williams, but there was still a part of him that doubted if he was really right. Did god love gay people? Many people thought they knew the answer. The question kept coming up. So many people, the people on the news, articles he read told him no but the answer pastor Williams gave him stuck in his mind. He tried to stop doubting himself but he couldn't. Then a few years later he met Riley. Riley knew what he was and wouldn't give any heed to the word of god. He was bold, independent. Arnold admired him for that. He loved him for that. Back in the present Arnold thought about Riley. He missed him badly right now. He held his breath then let it out. He got up from the cross legged position, he pushed his bike down the stairs out of his room and went all the way down to his front door. He looked at the wall beside the door, there was a sticky note with a frowny face drawn in pen. He didn't understand why it was there for a moment then it hit him and he laughed. He pushed the bike down the stoop. Towards the curb. He started to bike to work.
When he arrived he was sweating again. He attached his bike to the pipe and went inside. Helga was already here. She had the cart in the aisle. She looked at him and blew a giant turquoise bubble with her gum. It popped. She brought it back into her mouth. "Sup, football dome. Welcome back to work."
"Not your best pet name."
"Just decided to try out something new." She looked back at the aisle. She plucked an apple off the top display and put it on the cart. "You know what I could do for ya, Arnold?"
"What's that?"
"I could give you a ride to work. Every morning you're sweating. Practically dripping on the produce."
"You'd give me a ride?"
"That's what I said."
"Am I out of your way?"
"A little but I don't mind."
"Ok." Helga was late picking him up when they hung out but she was always at work on time. He felt comfortable with it. "That means you also have to drop me off."
"Doi." She said unenergetically. She chewed her gum. She started to focus on work and so did he. She smelled him accidentally when they were both replacing things. His deodorant smelled good. A little typical but she didn't mind it. She admired him for a moment. He noticed.
"What ya doing, Helga?"
"Looking at that funny shaped head of yours. I didn't think they made heads like that anymore."
"Burn. Good excuse though."
"What did you think I was doing?"
"Checking me out."
Helga blushed. "I don't know why I asked."
"I'm right, aren't I?"
"Shut up." She grabbed some heads of lettuce that looked rusted. "You sure you want a ride?"
"I'm joking, I'll stop bugging you."
"Thanks." They worked quietly. Helga was caught red handed and that embarrassed her. Eventually lunch came and they went to eat at the same grocery store. They both got subs. Arnold got a meatball sub and she got a steak and cheese. She couldn't get enough of them. They sat down at the shaded table and ate. Towards the end of their meal. Helga was wondering something. "You want to do something this weekend?"
"Sure, you had something in mind?"
"We could go swimming. It's been a while and apparently it's supposed to be really hot."
"Hmm… could we invite some friends?"
"Well… alright. Like who?" She wanted them alone but whatever.
"Maybe Gerald and Phoebe."
"I'm sure they'd appreciate the time together."
"They'll probably just be making out."
"Do you know any pools in the area?"
"Yeah, I know a few. I wish we could go to the beach though."
"It's far away."
Arnold smiled. "Alright. It's a plan."
Helga put up devil horns. When the day ended Arnold packed his bike into the back of Helga's car and she started to drive him home."You want to pick up some food?"
"Sure. How about some Mexican food? Real Mexican food."
"You know a place?"
"I do indeed." Arnold directed them. They actually got there pretty fast.
Helga exhaled a breath she had been holding. "I feel like we got lucky."
"How?"
"We were actually pretty close."
"Maybe. I think I could've got us there from farther away though."
"Let's not test that." Helga got out of the vehicle and so did Arnold. She locked up the vehicle. The sign above the place read. Mama's! They walked inside. The place was not packed but there were some people. They took a seat and looked at the menus. Helga accidentally touched Arnold's foot under the table she drew it back. Jeez. Arnold barely noticed. There was music in the restaurant. It was sung in Spanish. It sounded familiar though. Arnold recognized it. It was American Pie. It was a Spanish cover of it. Helga's eyes widened. "I forgot to ask you earlier but what did you think of Lateralus?"
"Oh yeah. I've been listening to it. It's pretty cool. You were right, really complex, proggy. I enjoy it."
"I got the good picks, Arnold. Just ask and I can provide."
"Then give me another."
"How about…" She thought. "Siamese Dream by the Smashing Pumpkins."
"I'll check it out."
A waiter came by and took their orders. Helga ordered first. "I'll have the beef birria tacos."
Arnold went. "I'll have the beef flautas and some of the homemade churros."
The waiter nodded and left them. They talked about movies while he was gone. Arnold liked the classics. He told her he had just watched Back to the Future with his family. She described her taste, it was more horror and indie stuff. She talked about Texas Chainsaw Massacre a lot. Arnold could barely stand Evil Twin. She smiled. She knew she was going to make him watch it. Maybe they'd do it for Halloween. She wasn't going to suggest it yet. She had to warm him up with horror movies. Less scary ones. The food arrived. They enjoyed their meal. Talked a little. Arnold got a call. He answered it. "What's up, dad?"
"Where are you, Arnold? Gertie made some fried chicken for dinner. She's on about something I'm not sure."
"I'm with Helga. We're having dinner at Mama's."
"Oh, what'd you get?"
"I'm having beef flautas."
"Oh they're good aren't they?"
He chuckled. "Yeah, they are dad. I'll be home soon we're just finishing up our meals."
"Got it, see you soon." Arnold hung up the phone. "Just my dad, he was wondering where I am."
"Your parents are cute."
"Yeah they're good."
"When Bob Pataki was around I could disappear to Phoebes for a week and he wouldn't even notice."
"That sucks."
"Well it was kinda nice because I never had to ask to do anything, I just did it."
"My parents get pretty concerned about me. My mom is wondering if the whole child psychologist is going to make decent money. I told her it's just what I want to do."
"Money's a real concern though Arnold. When living out in a city you need to be able to pay rent every month. They're not going pay you much for your work. I know this because I'm barely making ends meet. And Hillwood's not even the biggest city in the state."
"Yeah, I know. I could have a roommate or something."
"I've heard roommates suck."
"Yeah, same."
"Well, you gotta work this out, Arnold. You don't want to be a poor boy."
"I'll make it."
"I hope so."
They left the restaurant. They drove to the Sunset Arms. Arnold got out of the car. "See you this weekend?"
"This weekend."
"I'll invite Gerald."
"I got Phoebe."
"Alright. See ya buddy."
"See ya bud." Helga drove off and Arnold went inside. He spent the night alone writing. He was at fifteen pages. Progress felt so slow, but it was satisfying. Every five pages he got a rush of dopamine. It went in chunks like that. He brushed his teeth, laid down and listened to some more Lateralus. He took his headphones off and went to sleep. It was a peaceful night overall. He appreciated it.
