I have no right to feel the way I feel. I'm supposedly the one who has the brains, the one who can think. I'm good at thinking because feelings don't interupt my thought process. But now, everything she does...everything she says, makes it impossible to breathe. Thinking has become impossible for simple tasks such as understanding the female mind.

While most do not see it as exactly a simple task, I have always understood the basics of the way they see things. By no means, am I a female, or claim to understand their emotions. Only that I can usually read between the lines and see through the walls they've hidden themselves behind.

For instance, there is this girl. A girl so brilliant and beautiful that I can't honestly believe she even talks to me. Every time she opens her mouth I feel graced, as if she was doing me an enourmous favor. Ask any guy in the school, and you might end up with a bit of drool hanging out their mouths. Lily Evans, my very best friend in the whole world, has this charm on all the guys she's ever met - myself including. If you are of the male species and you do not respect or have slight feelings for Lily Evans, then you are either taken or crazy. I prefer the latter especially since I want to eliminate all my competetion. You see, I'm not really the smartest guy or the most handsome guy around. I just sort of fit comfortably in the middle. If she had to choose between an exciting, good looking guy or a dull, ugly beast like me..there's not really much of a choice is there?

Lily is definatley a good looking girl. She has golden auburn hair that shines in the sunlight and even seems to shine in the darkness when we walk the halls on our prefect duties. Her eyes are gorgeous and green, a lovely combination. Most see the beauty of her face with her perfect straight nose and her straight white teeth. They also see the few freckles that dot her nose that make her look like a little china doll. I however, noticed her eyes first. Her eyes seemed to have a life of their own. There's no words to describe the color. They're like the green of a emerald, if you will, but with the addition of swirls of darker and lighter greens that all meet up edges of her pupil. You could say her eyes are green, but they're not. They are miraculous hues of emerald, shall we say, for lack of better words. I know I seem to be obsessed with Lily, but these feelings have just only come up again and I'm describing her the best way I know how.

Even for the years I had made myself believe I had no feelings for Lily other than friendship, I always was a bit tense and overprotective of her crushes and boyfriends. I'm sure she noticed that the time she mentioned accepting a date from a Gryfindor named Dillion Smith I dropped my glass in Potions and it shattered all over the floor. She had a glint of understanding in her eyes, but for the life of me (at that time), I couldn't see why I was so jealous. She had the right to date as much as she wanted, and I could not stop her. I convinced myself I had no need to do so, although now I realize my heart was being broken.

I wish I could stop. I wish I didn't like her anymore. There was a point in my Hogwarts career where I felt nothing other than friendly love for Lily. It lasted from the beginning of this year until only a few days ago. She mentioned that Sirius was good looking but she didn't fancy him, and she had asked him herself if it was possible. Sirius, being serious, (he thinks that it's a hilarious pun by the way, interchanging his name like that) had answered yes. He was used to girls fancying him and so he was able to feel nothing when he bragged at how 'hot' they were.

That day, I had realized that I had never really stopped loving her. I had never stopped having these feelings that she could never return. Instead, to try to save my heart from breaking, my brain yelled at me with thoughts only now I know to be untrue.

'Oh you just think you like her because she's pretty! You don't have feelings for her.'

' You think you like her like that, but it's impossible. You just need sleep. '

' It's nearing full moon. That would explain my jumbled feelings.'

I beat myself time and time again asking myself why her, why me? Did I deserve to be feeling things what I didn't want to feel? I asked myself countless times for advice that I so openly offered others, but yet I never got an answer that I found worthy of thinking. Lily was a gorgeous woman that deserved more attention and more love then I could ever possible give her. She deserved better.

My name is Remus Lupin and I am in love with Lily Evans.