It's our first christmas since we've been back together. Couldn't he have been more excited about going through this damn catalogue with me? Deciding what gifts we should get is what we used to do way back when. I know that look of his. I don't have the time right now, Addi, maybe later, but, I hope not, kind of look. He certainly was relieved when that nurse called out to him. He couldn't get away from me soon enough.
Dinner and shopping? You can rule that out. He's not even sorry he couldn't make it. He seemed distracted, mad or depressed. Christmas is our season, I tell him. God, I know something's wrong. I just can feel it.
As he entered the bar, Joe poured him a drink, double scotch. I thought I'd surprise him and arrived earlier. He smiled as he approached me. For a split second I thought everything was just fine. I was wrong.
We both smiled at each other. Those eyes of his. It's what made me fall in love with him from the very beginning. We love christmas, I say. At least we use to.
Then my world fell apart. I could feel him ripping my heart out. Christmas should be with the people you love, he says. I don't want to leave you, he tells me. But, he goes on to say that it wasn't a fling with Meredith. He had actually fell in love with her.
He says something about still deciding to stay with me. I think. I don't know. At that point, I was numb as he sat down next to me.
My heart had begun to mend slowly and there it goes, crumbling down into several broken pieces. Again.
And I cry for a man who doesn't love me.
