Here I am sitting under my beautifully lit tree, all alone on christmas eve. Lights illuminate my living room, which was elegantly decorated just for him. Several wrapped gifts of blue and silver are stacked up in front of me, blue his favorite color, the gifts I rushed out to get for him a few days ago. Holding on to my buttered rum drink, I sip slowly. Having no control of the tears rushing out, I allow it to run freely down my face.

I'll Be Home For Christmas plays throughout the house and I hit the repeat button for it to listen to the song continuously. Reminiscing back to christmases past, one sticks in my mind in particular.

It would have been our first time being apart from our favorite holiday. He was away out of state attending a seminar and I cried myself to sleep unsure if he would arrive back in time for christmas. I still remember the look on his face as if it were yesterday when he rushed into our bedroom and into my arms. He could not wait to be with me. Whenever I walked passed him, he would gently caress me. We were inseparable, the perfect couple, happily in love.

Snow's falling gently against the windowpane and I remember the snowman we built on christmas morning. How could he have been so cruel to ruin this special day for me? How could he? I close my eyes. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of everything. I hear his voice in my head. "I'll be home for christmas," he says.

Only in my dreams.