Sugar and Spice
by paperfox
Chapter 2
Day 5
Kurogane woke up in the middle of the night to thumps and groans and came to two conclusions. One, turning into a woman gave Fai the alcohol tolerance equivalent to that of a very small duck. And two, a hung over Fai made sounds that only a cat with a horrid nasal infection could replicate.
"Nnuugh," said Fai. There was soft shuffling, followed by a muffled thud.
Kurogane looked over his shoulder to Fai's makeshift futon and noticed the mage had one bare leg hanging over the edge with the rest of his body still tangled in the blankets, as though he had attempted getting up but didn't quite make it. With a resigned sigh, Kurogane rolled out of bed.
"Guugh," Fai said again. He propped himself up on his elbows, wiggled a little, and flopped back down.
"Quiet, the kids are sleeping," Kurogane sat down on folded legs beside him. "What do you want?"
"Mmmph," Fai tried to reach for him and grabbed at air instead.
Kurogane gave up on waiting for Fai to become coherent. He slipped an arm under Fai's shoulders, pulled him upright, and carried him to the living room. Fai yelped when Kurogane switched on the lights.
"Nugh, too bright!" Fai moaned, one hand covering his eyes and the other swatting at air blindly.
Kurogane dumped Fai on the couch and turned the lights off.
"Hangover?" he asked, unsurprised, and Fai nodded miserably.
Kurogane would have been astonished if Fai didn't have a headache, considering how Fai had decided to single-handedly polish off the half a dozen bottles of wine, to belatedly discover he had been drunk five bottles ago. The ensuing events, well, Kurogane preferred not to think about.
"How," Fai began, blinking up at him, "did I get in the bedroom last night?"
"I had to chase you down," Kurogane told him, "and force you into clothes. You wanted to stay naked and wait for the kids to come home."
Fai's brow scrunched up in confusion. "Why was I naked?"
"What!" Kurogane roared.
Kurogane hadn't been expecting some profound post-coital conversation but he hadn't been expecting to be forgotten either. Kurogane couldn't shake the feeling that the mage was only feigning forgetfulness. Kurogane scowled, his mood considerably soured.
"Oh, then we—" Fai paused, wiggled a little, and rubbed his temples. "Ow, my head." Fai flopped sideways onto the couch, and Kurogane had to quickly look away because Fai sprawled out like that provoked too many images. "Kuro-pon, get me water?" Fai nudged him with his toes.
"Get it yourself!" Kurogane snapped.
"Kuro-pon's so mean!" Fai wailed. "After you took advantage of me in my drunken state—"
"Who'd want to take advantage of you?" Kurogane raged. "You dropped yourself in my lap!"
"Ow…" Fai moaned, drawing a cushion over his face. "Keep it down, Kuro-pon!"
With a frustrated huff, Kurogane stomped out of the room and brought back a cup of water and with a slice of toast on the side.
"Finish that," Kurogane ordered, and Fai, smiling softly, thankfully kept silent.
While Fai ate, Kurogane attempted to drill holes through the back of Fai's skull with his eyes alone. It was so like Fai to deal with potential complications like this—blaming everything on a drunken haze and then conveniently forgetting it. Kurogane had been inured against Fai's perpetual distancing, but it was starting to rankle.
Fai kept running. Kurogane wondered if he should start chasing.
He took Fai's mug from his hand and set it on the coffee table, scooting forward until he cornered Fai against the armrest. There was a brief flicker of surprise in Fai's eyes, and for once, Kurogane felt as though he had the upper hand.
"Don't forget this time," Kurogane said, and kissed him.
Fai tasted like burnt toast. There were bread crumbs on his lower lip that scratched and Kurogane paused for a moment to lick them away before claiming Fai's mouth again. His hands drew aimless designs on Fai's hipbones, before tightening his grip and tugging the mage sharply onto his lap. Fai made a soft noise of surprise, muffled by Kurogane's mouth.
Fai broke away from the kiss and leaned against Kurogane, small puffs of breath tickling the side of Kurogane's chin. "Ne, Kuro-rin, I bet you were one of those little boys who would throw sand at the girl you liked because you were too socially inept to give her flowers. No subtlety at all…"
Kurogane pinched Fai's seat in retaliation and Fai made a muffled yelp.
"Don't talk," Kurogane whispered, his lips pressed against Fai's ear. "You'll wake the kids."
Which, Kurogane decided, was a really good reason he should not be doing this at all but Fai's insanity seemed to be catching.
The look that Fai shot him was a mix of incredulity and amusement. "You're a very naughty doggy at heart, Kuro-wanko," he laughed, and Kurogane kissed him again just to shut him up.
Fai hummed into the kiss, rising up on his knees as he straddled Kurogane's lap, his hands curled around Kurogane's shoulders for balance.
Kurogane had to be crazy to be doing this again, and even crazier for initiating it. This thing happening between them, whatever it was, felt like a disaster waiting to happen but Kurogane couldn't seem to stay away from Fai.
Kurogane pulled back to concentrate on stripping Fai of his clothes, and Fai laughed softly as he watched Kurogane tug impatiently at his shirt ties.
"You're determined," Fai murmured, leaning forward to nip at the underside of Kurogane's chin.
Kurogane grunted in response, cupping the back of Fai's head to pull him closer. His other hand skimmed Fai's side, feeling firm lines of lean muscle and hard ridges of bone, before closing around Fai's hips and pushing the mage sideways onto the couch. Kurogane leaned down to trap Fai beneath him with his weight and Fai yielded to him, all hard lines and soft skin, pressed against Kurogane's chest. The touches they exchanged grew more frenzied, with sharp nips interspersed with soothing kisses and the heated touch of skin against skin.
"Kuro-pon," Fai whispered suddenly, breathless, "where're my clothes?"
"Hn," Kurogane response was distracted, until the question sank in and he jerked back to stare at the mage incredulously. "What?"
Fai was looking at his arm where the shirt was hanging off him. "This is yours."
Fai deserved a title or something for his particular talent for ruining the mood. Kurogane gave a sharp, irritated sigh.
"The sleeve got burnt. You need a new one," Kurogane groused.
"What?" Fai looked horrified. "Who did that?"
"You did," Kurogane reminded him. "You were messing around in the kitchen drunk. It was amazing you didn't burn the whole house down."
Fai stared at Kurogane incredulously for a moment and started worming out of Kurogane's grip.
Kurogane tightened his hold. "What are you doing?" he asked with a note of annoyance.
"I need to check on my clothes," Fai batted at Kurogane's hands.
Kurogane twitched. Apparently in Fai's world view, his clothes had precedence over sex with him. Kurogane felt insulted.
"Leave it," Kurogane snapped, pushing Fai's hand down and yanking the loosened sleeve off his arm.
Fai pushed at his chest a few times, but Kurogane refused to budge. "You do realize if they're ruined, I will have to wear that dress?" He looked rather mournful at the idea.
Kurogane couldn't resist. He smirked. "It looks good on you."
Fai kneed him in the stomach.
Amused, Kurogane added, "It makes your breasts look bigger," just because he knew it would annoy Fai and caught the mage's thigh before Fai could knee him again.
Blue eyes glittered at him in annoyance and two bright spots of color rose in Fai's pale cheeks. Kurogane stared, captivated and not so secretly aroused. Apparently, a pissed off Fai was an instant turn-on for him, which was a sure sign Kurogane was losing it.
"Ne, Kuro-pon," Fai poked his shoulder. "I think you have a breast fetish."
"I do not!" Kurogane snapped heatedly.
If Kurogane had one, it would probably be a Fai fetish, but there was no way in hell he'd admit to that.
"I think you do," Fai insisted with a slight leer.
Fai arched his skinny torso so that a puny breast pressed against Kurogane's elbow and looked up at Kurogane coyly from under long eyelashes. Kurogane's expression shifted from shock to exasperation and Fai fell back against the couch giggling.
Kurogane glared down at the mage, "Did you ever annoy people with your idiotic ramblings so much that they refused to have sex with you?"
"Of course not," Fai said, and Kurogane decided there way no way that could have been true. "Why, is Kuro-wanwan terrified of me already?"
Kurogane gritted his teeth and seriously considered gagging the mage.
"Or maybe…" Fai paused to observe him with an expression of exaggerated seriousness, "Kuro-chi is afraid of knocking me up?"
A horrifying image of a Fai sprouting a large belly waddling around in a pink and frilly maternity dress flashed before his eyes. Kurogane choked and roared, "Is that even possible!"
"Hm, not sure, but this curse only lasts seven days, so probably not," Fai said dismissively. He nudged Kurogane and looked pointedly at the hand Kurogane still had on Fai's thigh. "Are you going to do something with that hand?"
Kurogane was still trying to recover from the damage that image caused and stared at Fai with dazed apprehension.
Fai grinned, opening his mouth as though to add something further and hesitated. He propped himself up on his elbows and turned towards the hallway. "Did you—?"
"Shit!" Kurogane hissed and frantically grabbed at the discarded pile of clothes on the floor.
The light switched on. Kurogane froze with his hand midway between the couch and the floor and Fai went completely still, his eyes comically wide, panicked and amused all at once. Syaoran shuffled into the room, his hair a rumpled mess and his eyes still at half mast.
"Mumpf," Syaoran mumbled, scratching his head and blinking sleepily.
Kurogane wondered if he still had time to chuck Fai over the back of the couch before the kid really looked at them, because the only stitch of clothing Fai had left was a pajama bottom that was hanging off an ankle, and Kurogane really didn't think the kid needed a surprise lesson in female anatomy.
Syaoran paddled past them at a drowsy pace without a response. For all his sharpness and attention to detail, Syaoran was a zombie when half asleep. Kurogane made a mental note to drill that it out of him, but at the moment, he was praising the kid's bad habits.
Both Kurogane and Fai's heads followed Syaoran's progress across the room. Syaoran's steps slowed to a stop at the doorway to the kitchen, and Kurogane wished he could somehow silently command the kid to take the other step and a half to disappear out of sight.
Syaoran lifted his head to sniff at the air confusedly. "Something burnt?" Syaoran mumbled.
He turned to look over at the coffee table and noticed the discarded dish with a half eaten slice of toast and then directly beyond it to the bare leg hanging off the edge of the couch. Syaoran blinked twice before the full image of the two of them together registered.
Syaoran yelped and jumped back as Kurogane dived for their clothes and tossed them over Fai. Kurogane had the sudden urge to splutter awkward excuses, but with his shirt hanging from one arm and Fai mostly naked, there was no way to explain the image that they made for anything other than it was.
"Sorry!" Syaoran choked, his eyes darting about, looking at anywhere but them. "I was thirsty and I just wanted to get something… sorry! I didn't see… I mean, I still didn't see…" Syaoran covered his eyes and wailed, "I'm sorry!"
"Kid, calm down, it's okay!" Kurogane said, because it looked like Syaoran was going to self-combust right then and there.
"Sorry! I'll just go back to the couch. I mean, the room! Over there. Now." And then Syaoran backpedaled so quickly it was a wonder he didn't leave his head behind.
They heard rapid footsteps moving down the hall and a door urgently shutting, followed by dead silence. There was a long moment during which Kurogane despaired if Syaoran could ever respect him as a teacher again and Fai curled onto his side and started to tremble with hysterical peals of laughter.
"Kuro-pon," Fai said between giggles, "I think we're doomed to always have really, really bad sex!"
x
Day 6
"Do you have any idea how much money we spent in this world on just your clothes?" Kurogane said.
"Do you want me to rearrange my organs in this dress?" Fai returned.
The two of them faced off outside a men's suit store and Kurogane wondered at which point Fai's mood shifted from humorous teasing to outright hormonal instability. Kurogane also wondered when they started sounding like a mismatched couple warring in street.
But looking at Fai's dress, which had a solid pale gray top with a mess of complicated ties that started between his breasts and ended just under his hips, Kurogane wasn't surprised Fai was being grouchy and easily irritable. The dress pinched purposefully. On the witch, who had ridiculous and likely magically enhanced curves, it would fit her like a glove. On Fai, who arguably only had curves if he turned forty-five degrees to the right and bent over, the dress squeezed and forced the curves out of him.
"Idiot, I didn't say not to replace your shirt," Kurogane snapped. "You're acting like a woman."
The look Fai shot him was thin and unsmiling, and he walked into the store without another word. Kurogane followed with the uneasy feeling that he was guilty of something.
"Are you here for a fitting?" the clerk came up to Kurogane, a tape measure slug over his neck.
"No, actually, it's for him—er, her," Kurogane pointed.
The clerk stared at Fai, who had wandered off and was poking at the window displays, and didn't speak for a long moment.
"Two doors down, there is a women's clothing store," the clerk enunciated slowly, as though he thought Kurogane had problems.
"He wants a men's shirt," Kurogane explained, feeling decidedly annoyed.
The clerk's eyebrows climbed up his forehead and he cleared his throat and blushed, "Well, of course it's not my business to ask about what goes on behind closed doors. If the lady wants a shirt, we'll be happy to provide the service." He gave an uneasy laugh. "Miss, if you would step over here?"
Fai, who obviously wasn't used to being addressed as such, kept wandering around until the increasingly flustered man waved at him.
"Oh, you mean me!" Fai grinned sheepishly. "Do I stand up there?"
"Yes, back to the mirrors."
Kurogane leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms, watching Fai stiffly move onto an elevated podium and the clerk shift nervously beside him. The odd sight was attracting the attention of the other three clerks who worked in the store.
"Why does he want his wife dressed up in men's clothes?" he heard someone murmur behind him.
"Kid, after thirty years in business, you'll realize there are some things you just don't want to know," a deeper, older voice replied.
Kurogane twitched.
"Miss, stay still!" the clerk fumbled with the measuring tape.
Fai was shaking with silent laughter, apparently having eavesdropped on the conversation. Catching Fai's mirthful eyes, Kurogane shot him a heated glare and stomped off, determined to get as far away from Fai as possible.
Kurogane didn't know how they graduated onto being a married couple and why he was constantly being labeled as the one with the weird sex kink. It seemed that annoying things happened just being around Fai.
"Don't mind him, he's just shy," he heard Fai say to the clerks.
The clerk muttered something Kurogane didn't catch.
Fai chuckled. "Kuro-rin may not look it, but he's a big softie inside."
Kurogane could feel a tick developing in his right eye.
The clerk hummed and remarked, "You sound like a happily married lady."
"Oh, but we're not married," Fai said with a tragic note. "Terrible circumstances have been keeping us apart. We met a year ago and it was love at first sight, but our families opposed the match, so we fled with plans to elope in secret! To keep them from finding us, I have to disguise myself as a man…"
At that point, Kurogane stopped listening because the tick by his eye was threatening to spread to the rest of his face.
x
Day 7
Sometime in the middle of the seventh day, Syaoran turned to Kurogane and asked, "Is Fai-san okay?"
Kurogane gritted his teeth and grumbled, "Of course he is," and kept on walking.
Fai was jammed on his 'annoy Kuro-daddy' mode. His antics didn't end after the suit store and this morning, everything on Kurogane's plate was done in perfect miniature breast motifs. Before Kurogane could corner Fai to speak to him, the mage insisted on making the last day a 'mother daughter' day and promptly threw Kurogane and Syaoran out of the house.
Truly, Fai had a childish and immature streak in him—if it's bothering you, tease it to death.
Kurogane was getting the sneaking suspicion that Fai was pissed at him, which was ridiculous and a bit unfair considering he'd been taking the brunt of Fai's insanity since the curse and if there was anyone who deserved to be pissed, Kurogane felt that it should have been him.
Syaoran continued worriedly, "It's just that for the past few days, Fai-san's been—"
"Acting like a nutcase?" Kurogane finished for him.
Syaoran shook his head, biting his lower lip nervously, and ploughed on. "Kurogane-san, I'm very sorry if you and Fai-san are fighting because of me!"
Kurogane stared at the Syaoran incredulously, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"That night… erm, with the couch," Syaoran blushed and looked at the floor.
"Oh, that," Kurogane paused, wondering if he should feel embarrassed for not being as properly horrified as he should have been in that situation. Evidently, Syaoran had credited Fai and Kurogane with more propriety than they actually had. "No, don't worry about it. And we're not fighting."
Fighting would imply that they actually had something beyond one and a half failed attempts at sex, which they didn't.
That worsened Kurogane's mood.
Syaoran looked at Kurogane and said, "Kurogane-san, I'll leave a pitcher of water on the nightstand so I won't interrupt you and Fai-san next time."
The kid looked completely serious. Kurogane wanted to laugh. And then he realized there might not be a next time and was no longer amused.
Kurogane wasn't going to let Fai to run from this. He knew when this was over, Fai would snap back into his usual routine and move on as though the past week never happened. Kurogane was tired of being brushed off as some chemically induced accident.
That night, dinner was tense. Kurogane watched the mage intently, but Fai avoided his gaze and engaged the princess in lively conversation. Suddenly, halfway through the meal, Fai dropped his silverware and stood sharply from the table.
"Fai-san?" Sakura said worriedly.
Fai smiled reassuringly, "Aa, I think I… this…" he stopped talking abruptly and disappeared into the kitchen.
Kurogane followed him, shutting the door behind him. Fai was leaning against the counter, his hands gripping the sides tightly until his knuckles turned white.
"Is it the curse?" Kurogane asked.
Fai nodded stiffly.
"It's dissipating a few hours early," Kurogane observed.
"These things are never perfectly accurate," Fai muttered, and then his breath hitched and he hutched over with a sharp hiss.
Kurogane grabbed Fai's upper arm as he started to slip and felt the currents of magic flowing through the mage's skin, tickling Kurogane's palm and making the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. Fai leaned against him for a moment, catching his breath.
When Fai straightened and examined himself curiously, Kurogane thought it was a comfort to see Fai look familiar again. Kurogane's hand tightened reflexively on Fai's arm as he began to pull away, and Fai turned to him, blue eyes glittering questioningly.
"I prefer you like this," Kurogane noted.
Fai grinned, the familiar and infuriatingly silly smile of his, and reached up to pinch Kurogane on the cheeks. "And I prefer Kuro-pon like this!" he said, tugging Kurogane's face into a grin. "Hyu, so happy!"
Kurogane caught his wrists before Fai could retreat and held firm, glaring.
"Stop with the damn jokes," he growled. "Why do you have to make things so difficult?"
Fai's expression faltered, "Kuro-sama…"
"Stop talking, and just listen for a minute," Kurogane said, his hands firm around Fai's wrists. "I don't know what you thought this week meant, but it better not be you just satisfying your curiosity because I want this."
There was more Kurogane wanted to say, like 'I want you' or 'I want more' or 'I want everything you'll give me' but it was too soon and he couldn't.
Fai hesitated and asked, "You didn't like my sexy breasts?" His tone was light but his eyes were serious and Kurogane wanted to smack the mage and laugh at the same time.
It was amusing beneath that razor sharp wit and iron clad smile, Fai still had silly insecurities like this, and Kurogane supposed he should feel insulted that Fai thought he'd be trivial enough to do that sort of thing, but mostly, Kurogane was amused.
"No, it was your pissed off face," Kurogane admitted, unembarrassed, and Fai's eyebrows climbed his forehead.
Fai looked confused, and then he back to Kurogane's teasing comments and his face lit up in understanding. Fai flopped, bumping his head against Kurogane's shoulder, his whole body shaking as he laughed.
"Kuro-sama," he said, breathlessly, "I don't think your fetish with seeing me angry is going to improve our really horrible sex life!"
Fai's laugh ended abruptly as Kurogane sealed his lips with a kiss, because a declaration like that was more of a challenge.
END
And the rest is up to your imagination.
And because a crack!fic deserves a crack!ending…
OMAKE!
Tokyo
Kurogane didn't think it was possible to be sick when they haven't eaten in at least thirty hours but Fai was slouched against a wall, puking his guts out for the third time since arriving. Kurogane stood beside him and held Fai's hair back from his face.
"You're an idiot," Kurogane was telling him, because only Fai could get ill just breathing and Kurogane was not worried about him. "Aren't magicians supposed to have good luck?"
"Never had good luck…" Fai said petulantly between dry heaves. He leaned into Kurogane to catch his breath, looking miserable.
"You're not feverish," Kurogane frowned. "What's wrong with you?"
A few members from the group of archers were eyeing the mage in apparent fascination, and that creepy kid with cat eyes had an odd look of speculation on his face.
"There's a second life in him," Kamui said, finally. "He's pregnant."
Kurogane didn't think anybody breathed during that stretch of silence. He was too busy clearing out his ears wondering if something had gone wrong with his hearing.
"Say that again?" Fai's smile was shaky. "I don't think Mokona translated it correctly."
… just kidding.
end.
