AN: Back! I know it's been a year and a day, but work has been absolutely killing me. I got a job at a tech company I really wanted last year, but since joining it's just been so stressful. Joining a new company, never meeting your colleagues in person, and working long hours is wild. But most of all it was so annoying not having time to write. It's something I truly love, and I'm glad I get to share this with you.
Thank you to everyone who left comments - it's so wonderful to know that people are enjoying this story. :-)
Hokkaido was boring.
Absolutely, totally stupid boring.
For an island so big, it was just Sarada's luck that her parents chose tiny, dead Atsuma city instead of somewhere cool like Sapporo. It wasn't fair. Her dad got to travel all the time for work. Singapore, Hong Kong, America. He always got to do whatever he wanted, but her life was the very definition of lame. She went to a boring tiny school with boring teachers and a bunch of stupid boring kids. They always stared at her when her mom came to pick her up, always whispered behind her back, always left her out of invites to birthday parties and sleepovers.
It had something to do with her parents; Sarada knew that much. Her mom wasn't like any of the others. She slept a lot during the day and always looked one second away from crying. Sarada had vague memories of a different mom when she was much younger. One who took her on spontaneous shopping trips for clothes and candies and played silly games until late in the night. The memories were good. So good she wasn't sure if they were real.
As soon as summer came around and school was out, all they did was watch TV together and take naps.
It was no wonder her dad was always angry.
Sarada wasn't bothered by the fighting. Really. It wasn't like she was a baby, or anything. 10, 20 minutes every night of shouting and eventually she could sleep. In fact, if she squeezed her pillow over her head just right, it was more like background noise.
Those weren't the scary bits. If she was honest, it was everything else.
Bruises and black eyes, broken fingers and cracked teeth. The way her mother sounded when she begged, and the sour grape smell that seemed to radiate off her late at night.
Sarada knew her mother used to study to be a doctor, but she thought she was more like an artist than anything. A smudge of concealer, a dusting of blush, and everything was picture perfect again.
When it came down to it, Sarada just didn't understand. Her dad was never angry with her. The papa she knew came home with konpeito and black tea jelly and looked at her like she was something amazing. That papa was so different from the one who pushed her mother into walls and shut closet doors on her fingers.
The only thing she really understood was that Hokkaido sucked.
It totally fucking sucked.
Sakura and Sasuke sat on the porch together, a careful distance between them. He was always a man of few words, but it felt like ages that they stayed in perfect, nerve-wracking silence. He fixed his gaze out on the flourishing garden, and Sakura studied the angles of his face in the moonlight. He looked good too, she thought. Tired as usual, sure, but not as angry. He had such a beautiful, soft face when he wasn't angry.
How long had it been since she'd seen him like that?
Up close. Breathing distance.
There was a little streak of grey in his hair now, just above his right ear. Five, ten hairs at most, probably. Enough to make him seem mature, but not old. Men never got old. Not like women.
"Garden looks good," he said suddenly. "I take it your mother finally gave up the booze?"
Sakura startled out of her slumped position. She knew he didn't have much love for Mebuki but hadn't expected to feel so personally slighted by the remark. Leave it Sasuke to shatter a quiet mood.
"She's been doing really well, actually," she said. "Apparently, everyone started to come around while I was gone. I think it helped."
By everyone, she really meant Gaara – particularly with the garden – but figured it was probably better to leave him out of the conversation.
"Tch." Sasuke scoffed and pulled a carton of cigarettes out of the front pocket of his dress shirt. Sakura frowned as he took one out of the pack with his teeth. She eyed the package in his hand.
Mevius Super Light…
Where had she seen that brand before?
"When did you start smoking?"
He shrugged and lifted a lighter from the same pocket. Its silver looked well-polished and had the letter 'K' engraved on the shiny surface.
Sasuke flicked it open and lit up. "Work stress."
"It's such a disgusting habit," she scolded, but there was no real power behind it. If she was honest, there was something relaxing about the sharp burnt smell and watching the smoke curl up into the space between them. It wasn't Gaara's scent – not quite – but it was comforting, all the same.
"Funny. I could have sworn you had a thing for smokers," he muttered.
Sakura's face flushed with colour, but when she didn't bite, he dug in again.
"You look like a fool coming back after all these years. There's nothing here for you."
"I think I can make that decision for myself. I'm an adult."
"Could have fooled me." Sasuke blew smoke over his shoulder. "I go on a business trip and you run off in the middle of the night with our kid. Did you really think it would be so easy?"
"The last time I checked, you were the one who served me divorce papers." Sakura pushed him in the shoulder with both hands. It was a weak shove, de-stabled Sasuke enough to make him tip slightly.
"Because you threatened me!" He snapped, but there was a little laugh behind it. "And I didn't sign them, did I? I mean God, we fight, we say stupid shit, we make up. That's us."
"Fight? The last time you nearly—" Sakura looked over her shoulder towards the front door. "I thought I was going to die," she added, softer.
Sasuke turned his face away to take another drag on his cigarette. When he exhaled, Sakura could feel the irritation coursing off his body in waves. One pale hand clenched into a tight fist, just itching to grab her. They'd been together for almost 15 years; she knew every one of his tells.
She flinched when he lifted his hand, but instead of touching her, Sasuke smoothed it through his hair.
"We've always been stubborn, passionate people, haven't we? You can't pretend you don't give as much as you get."
Sakura frowned, but she hated how true it was. Or at least, how true it used to be. She'd practically come out of the womb loud and argumentative – her parents raised her to question everything and stand up for herself. It was amazing how easy it was to forget all that.
"It's not the same thing." She turned her face away, but Sasuke brought it back, a finger underneath her chin.
"Hey." He held his cigarette out to the side and then squeezed the top of her thigh with his free hand. "It's not as if I mind. All those fights led to some great make-up sex, didn't they?"
Sakura didn't want to give in to the tease, but when Sasuke leaned in close, a smirk on his lips, butterflies swarmed her stomach. Other women might have found the whole thing slimy, but all she could think about was just how long it had been since she'd seen any semblance of a smile on his face.
Her cheeks glowed red. "Sasuke…"
"You don't tell anyone about that part, do you?" He tightened his grip on her thigh.
"That's not..." Sakura squeezed her eyes shut and wanted to cover her ears. He was spinning everything again the way he always did.
"Maybe that's why I push you a little." He bowed his head close to hers. "It turns me on. It turns us both on, doesn't it?"
The question sounded more like a threat than anything, but Sakura could only make a soft, meaningless sound. Her real focus was on his face, growing closer by the second.
Sasuke's kiss was feather light at first. He let his tongue run along the seam of her lips and without thinking, Sakura opened her mouth to let him in. He tasted different – smoky and warm and a little bitter. She didn't know what to think of it – didn't know what it meant, but she let him kiss her again, and again until his fingers were threaded through her hair and hers spread out across his chest. His heartbeat was a steady drum under the pads of her fingertips.
When they parted, Sasuke rubbed his hand gingerly at the top of her thigh.
"I got the keys to our old place in Azabu. Leave Sarada with your mom tonight and we'll go home, open a bottle of wine…"
He moved his mouth to her neck and something in Sakura shifted. It was nice now, but it always was in the beginning. Go back to Azabu? She could see him shouting at her already, feel him holding her down…
"Why are you giving money to Naruto?" she blurted.
Sasuke stilled his hand. Sakura waited for him to snap, but nothing came.
"What?"
"Money," she spat. "Naruto. Why are you giving it to him?"
"He told you?"
"No, he didn't." Sakura folded her arms against her chest to shut him away. "I had to find out second hand. Why, exactly, did I have to find out secondhand?"
Sasuke crushed the last of his cigarette onto one of the wooden porch slats and shrugged his shoulders.
"I gave him money because he asked," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Because he's my friend. Because it was the least I could do."
The least you could do was absolutely nothing, she thought.
"Your friend?" Sakura snorted. It was always the same – brotherhood before anything. "When did it start?"
"I don't know…A few years after we left." Sasuke rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "Something about the school he runs with his stepdad not being able to run regular programs anymore. And his first kid wasn't planned…he just asked for some help. It's nothing – couple of grand a month."
"You told me that no one from Tokyo ever reached out. You told me they didn't care. You told me—
"I was protecting you." Sasuke grabbed her wrist and held it firm. "They don't care. Don't you even listen? Ten years and the only reason they got in touch was money. They all just wanted money."
"All?" Sakura let her hand go limp in his grasp. "Who else?"
"Around 350k to Loudmouth blonde number two," he said, and then rolled his eyes when Sakura furrowed her brow. "Ino."
She wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Ino's weird, hostile response at the flower store – it all suddenly made sense.
"What did she need that much for?"
"To her family's shop running when Sai went back to art school. Said she'd pay it back, but… you know, whatever. Naruto's the only one I'm still funding," Sasuke chuckled at the last bit, but then rubbed her arm. "It's not a big deal. It's basically pennies."
"I can't fucking believe this." Sakura clenched her fists in her lap. She couldn't get the first night at Gaara's out of her head, or the sappy sisterhood circle in her childhood bedroom. Every one of them had been full of smiles and laughter and tears on her return, spewing bullshit about regrets and worries and making up for lost time. But in the end, it was just like before.
She was disposable.
"You can't trust people so blindly." Sasuke brushed the remains of his cigarette off the porch. "I've always told you that, haven't I?"
Sakura let out a soft sound – somewhere between a growl and a huff. He had. He'd told her that over and over and over and she still kept making the same mistakes. It was just like he said – he was the one who was truly looking out for her.
"Was that it, then? Was there anyone else?"
Sasuke searched her face in silence for a moment, and then chuckled.
"Not your precious little redhead if that's what you're asking. I mean, not that I'd give it. He's the last one who should go around begging for money."
Sakura lifted her head with a glare. "You were always so terrible to him."
"As if he doesn't deserve it. Hasn't your little boyfriend told you anything at all about his family?"
Sakura hesitated. As much as she wanted to believe she and Gaara were close friends, the truth was, she knew least about him out of anyone. Unlike Naruto and Ino, they didn't grow up together. In university he was an entirely different person. Moody, withdrawn, sarcastic. Now he was so cautious and gentle and surrounded with family he'd never mentioned to her before.
Who was the real Gaara? Did she even want to know?
Sasuke scowled when she didn't press for more. "His father has that big consulting firm, sure, but his mother's the one with real cash. Old money."
"What?"
"Yeah. Heritage pottery or some shit. His brother owns a couple clubs now, and his sister is just some overgrown babysitter for rich douchebags. All funded by mommy and daddy, I'm sure. None of them have to work. Meanwhile, all those years he passed himself off as some poor orphan."
"Gaara's not like that," Sakura said, but her head spun trying to make sense of everything.
"Listen, whatever he's said or promised you while you've been here, you can be sure it's entirely self-serving."
"You don't know him."
"No, you don't know him," Sasuke snapped. "I thought you'd get that by now. After what a fool he made out of you the first time."
Sakura felt the words like little cuts against her skin. Sasuke absolutely lived for goading her, especially if it had anything to do with Gaara.
"That was different," she mumbled.
"Jesus. You really have a type, you know?" he continued. "Little Miss Martyr. Have to fix up the poor lost boys. Mend their sad little hearts, just to make yourself feel better."
"You always hated him," she said. "You can't handle that there's a man out there who actually wants to treat me with respect!"
She looked up to her husband and his self-righteous smirk dropped away completely.
"So, I'm guessing he's been quiet about the business we're doing together?"
All Sakura wanted to do was scream. Not him. Not him too. It couldn't be possible that he was a liar too. In university, she couldn't even mention Sasuke to Gaara without some sort of a gag or eye roll in response. What could possibly possess him to do business with him after so many years?
"That's…not right. That can't be…"
"His father's company is handling financial consultancy on the Singapore expansion, and he specifically took me on as a client."
"He wouldn't do that. He always hated you."
Hated was an understatement. The man wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
Sasuke laughed loud. "Money does a hell of a lot for tolerance. And believe me, we're paying him enough of it."
Sakura folded her knees up to her chest. Idiot. What was she thinking, coming back to Tokyo? It was always miserable for her there and Sasuke was right. She couldn't trust anyone.
"People are always out for themselves," he said. "You're gentle and sweet, and men like him just love that. Because they can do anything they want with that."
Sakura squeezed her eyes shut but could only see Gaara's face. His soft smile and the glow of the fireworks, suddenly intercut with a violent vision of him younger, shoving her off his porch. She'd been so ready to run away with him back then. Totally embarrassed herself. And for what?
I'm not the person you think I am. …I'm not good.
He'd said that to her, hadn't he? With his hands on her hips and his lips so deadly close, he told her the truth and she ignored it.
You really have a type, you know?
Sasuke covered one of her hands with his. "Maybe I should have handled it differently. Given you their letters, or let you call... whatever, but I just wanted to save you that hurt."
"You're always right about everything, aren't you?"
"I don't want to be." He leaned in until their foreheads touched. "Honestly. I just want you to be happy."
Sakura melted a little at the words. He'd given her so much over the years. Paid her university entrance fees, books, train tickets, clothes, trips… All things he didn't have to get involved with but did because he loved her. And what had she done besides complain? Sakura went through years of study and training a doctor. She'd seen real horrifying abuse and victimisation in her emergency room rotations. A few bumps and bruises and some stormy moods from your husband weren't that.
The silence came back again, and Sakura dug her fingernail under a piece of chipping wood on the porch.
"Hey."
Sasuke shifted and when she looked up, he was standing in front of her, one hand extended.
"What?" she huffed.
"Come here," he gestured with his hand, as he bent and used the other to lift her bike from the grass. "Let's go for a ride."
"What?"
"A ride," Sasuke said as if it were the most normal thing in the world. He rolled up his sleeves. "You can get on the back."
Sakura gave a startled laugh. "Sasuke, my mom is going to absolutely shit—
"-we'll be quick."
She hesitated, but one smile from Sasuke and she was gone again. She lifted her hand and he yanked her up against his chest.
"Trust me," he said, and then lifted her to stand on the back of the bike.
Before she had time to second-guess things, Sasuke pushed off and coasted down the slope of her front yard. He pedaled the old route she remembered from high school, fast but steady, cautious of taking any hard turns. Sakura's phone buzzed in her pocket, but she ignored and instead placed her hands on his shoulders to hold on tight. She could only imagine how crazy they looked together – one very expensive looking adult on a child's bike, and a pink-haired, grinning lunatic.
"Careful!" she squeaked as they sailed along the river's edge, over a particularly bumpy patch of trail. Her heart raced, but she couldn't fight the smile on her cheeks or the giggles bubbling up from deep in her chest. Moments like that were a rarity for them, and Sakura wanted to cling to the memory as best she could. It was short-lived, however, when the old recycling plant came into view.
There was a high fence caging it all in now, and no way to sneak in the way they'd done when she was younger. Sasuke came to a stop and helped her down from the back of the bike. For a long while they stared in silence at the chain-link wall separating them from their old makeout spot.
"I always watched you, you know," he said. Sakura jerked around to face him and he slicked his sweat-dampened hair back with one hand.
"You'd be huffing and puffing on that shit bike, going back and forth every day. To cram school, high school, home to take care of your wino mother."
"It wasn't a big deal," Sakura said. It was a total reflex. Even though he hadn't questioned her at all, she was so used to being on the defensive that nothing else made sense.
"I can tell when people are forcing themselves." Sasuke let his fingertips graze her palm but stopped just short of holding her hand. "Everything about you was forced. I'd never seen someone try so damn hard to be perfect."
"Why did you bring me here?" Sakura frowned. "Is this supposed to be romantic?"
"Hm." Sasuke turned to face her head on and smoothed the hair out of her face. His lips were curved into the smallest, slightest smile. "I'm not the best at these things, am I?"
That's an understatement, she thought, but couldn't bring herself to say anything.
"You're a special kind of woman to trust and believe in people the way you do. I don't understand it, but… I know I'd give any one of those losers millions if it meant I could keep you safe."
He took her by the hand and pulled her body in close to his. Sakura tensed for a moment, but then closed her eyes and allowed herself to relax into the touch. She'd forgotten all about that kind of touch, and how warm he could be when he really wanted to.
Safe. What was safe?
It would be so easy to go back home with him. Sarada would be happy, he would be happy, and they wouldn't have to go through the stress of a divorce.
Sakura slid her hands down around Sasuke's waist and felt the stiff ridges of his lighter peeking out of his back pocket. The letter 'K' was still burnt into her mind. Staring at her. Laughing at her. Her head swam with memories of waiting up late in their giant empty house in Hokkaido, the condoms in his briefcase and the late-night showers. The hang-up phone calls from each fling of the week. Could she really go back to that?
"You scare me, Sasuke," she said. The words came out without any real thought.
It was bizarre. Years of back and forth and yet she'd never said that out loud before. Sasuke held her at arm's length and Sakura's whole body tensed waiting for a reaction.
"That's not what I ever wanted. My father was always…" he started, but then when Sakura leaned in, expectant, immediately clammed up.
In a way, Sasuke was a lot like Gaara. He didn't like to talk about his family or his past. She could assume enough – she'd heard enough rumors and vague references from Naruto, but it would have meant the world if he opened up to her. If they could pour into each other for once.
He opened his mouth again to speak, but instead let out a soft, defeated chuckle. When Sakura looked at him again – really looked – the stubborn, cold man she was used to running from now seemed strangely insecure.
"Look—"
Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she came back to earth. Shit. Gaara. It had been almost two hours since they saw each other at the festival and made a plan for mischief. She should have been in a fluffy, luxurious bed somewhere letting him make her toes curl.
"Your mother?" Sasuke raised a brow.
"No, it…" Sakura tapped on one of the most recent messages. There was a link to a hotel and the preview image of a hotel suite that looked as big as her living room in Hokkaido.
Gaara [22:05]: Top floor room. We'll have a nice view from bed.
Gaara [22:06]: Meet there?
Gaara [22:47]: Everything ok?
Gaara [23:10]: Sakura are you alright? I'm sorry if I said the wrong thing.
Gaara [23:15]: - Missed call –-
Gaara [23:45] - Missed call –-
"Your lying little boyfriend?" Sasuke pushed again, but Sakura ignored him and slid the phone back into her pocket.
"It's not the end of the world to get a divorce," she said. "It's the 21st century. You sign and I sign and you're free to do whoever or whatever you want."
"That's not what I want."
"Well, what if it's what I want?" Sakura shot back. Sasuke stepped towards her and she tripped over her feet trying to get out of reach. No matter how sweet and milquetoast he was being, the reaction was muscle memory. Sasuke reached out and caught her before she could fall in the dirt.
"We have a kid," he shook her gently. "Do you want her to grow up in a broken home? Without a dad? Like you did?"
It took everything in her not to slap him. She knew what he was really saying. If anything, it was more like, you don't want her to grow up to be like you, do you?
"Sarada loves it here," she said through grit teeth. "She's making friends and she's talking more, and I think the city is good for her."
"Good for you, too, right?"
As if on cue, her phone went off again. A few months ago, Sasuke would have wrestled it off her and maybe even thrown in a few choice words, but this Sasuke pretended not to hear it.
"I'm only here a month for business; shouldn't take any longer. After all, your favorite redhead and his father seem very well qualified. After that, I'll expect to be heading home with my beautiful wife and daughter."
Sakura shook him off.
"We're not in Hokkaido anymore. I'm not trapped alone in that fucking house - you can't treat me like one of your little side pieces."
She looked over her shoulder, to the chainlink fence that walled off their past. It was so simple back then. She was lonely and he had everything she needed. Now, all she wanted was to escape.
"If you need me to fake it while you're doing business here, that's fine. But once it's over, it's over. You can go back to Hokkaido, but Sarada and I are staying here."
Sasuke stepped in close and pressed a kiss to her cheek. It was startling the way such an intimate gesture now suffocated her. "Sakura...you need to think very carefully about what you really want here."
"The money, the house, clothes, the life of fucking leisure…if you insist on going through with it, you better believe I won't make it easy for you to keep a thing," he said, and Sakura balled her hands into tight fists.
So that's how it was. Either she could go quietly, or he'd make life without him a penniless hell. It was obvious, and yet she hadn't properly planned. If anything, she thought she'd have more time. And after learning about Ino, there was no way she could go back to work at the flower shop.
Her phone buzzed loudly in her pocket and Sasuke let out an exasperated chuckle.
"Is he really worth all that? Some new money jerk who lied to your face like it was nothing?"
Sakura pushed him out of her space with both hands. "This isn't about him."
"The hell it isn't." Sasuke turned his back on her and lifted the bike from the ground by the handlebars. "Like I said, you have a type."
Fuming, Sakura rushed over and yanked the handlebars of the bike out of his hold. "One month!"
"Excuse me?"
"You're here for one month, so prove to me you're serious! Prove to me that you actually give a shit about your me or your daughter or anything besides terrorising me! For once, be serious about wanting to be better!"
She didn't realise she'd been screaming until she stopped. Her throat was raw, and her breathing shallow as she white-knuckled the handlebars.
"I'm serious," Sasuke said but Sakura kept her lips set in a tight, thin line.
"One more thing." She swung one leg over the bike and rode it up until the front wheel slid between his legs. Sasuke leaned over the handlebars to observe her.
"Yes, dear?"
His sarcasm fell on deaf ears as Sakura wracked her brain for where to go next. Ino, Naruto, Gaara…everyone. She'd be damned if they all made fools out of her.
"You said you're doing business with Gaara. That must mean you'll have some sort of meeting sometime soon."
"Tomorrow night actually," he said, smug. "A formal introduction over dinner at Ukai. His treat."
Sakura's heart hurt. So, that was Gaara's plan? To wine and dine Sasuke after fucking her? To rub it in his face? Was it really all just some sick sort of power trip?
I'm not the person you think I am. …I'm not good.
Sakura slid forward on the seat and gestured for Sasuke to get on the back of the bike.
"Okay then." She glared at him. "I'm going with you."
AN: Omg when I tell you this chapter was a struggle! I need to wise up and learn how to properly outline stories. Originally there was one main chapter, but it got crazy long so I had to split it, and then I ended up taking things in a completely different direction. When I wrote this story the very first time, Sasuke came off as way too much of an evil caricature, so I wanted to mellow that a bit. He's still a POS, but my god, there's levels to that shit!
Gaara and Sakura showdown next chapter, with a nice sprinkle of family drama, because I love when my characters are messy. Also gotta get back to Naruto and the gang soon.
Anyhoo, hope you enjoyed this update! Let me know what you think! :-)
