Just a warning before you read this: This chapter is dirty. I mean, it's really pushing things. So if you're easily offended, please skip this. Thank you.
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Ezra, Phineas, and the gang at the Happiness Hotel piled into the bus. "Here we go!" cried Phineas. Icabod stepped on the gas and they were off.
"Now this is exiting!" cried Ezra. "All we need to do is knock the guards out, which Gus can do in a second, and then..."
"Gus never came back, remember?" reminded Phineas.
"Uh-oh. How do we get in?"
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Ezra and Phineas nervously stood outside the park gates, talking to a guard.
"Hey, buddy," grinned Ezra, "how's it going?"
"It is passed closing time! Come tomorrow!"
"No, you've got it all wrong!" said Phineas. "We're doing a...Disney 411!"
"Where are the cameras?" asked the guard.
"Hidden?" guessed Ezra.
"Why must they be hidden?"
Phineas looked at the ground. "Well, uh, um..."
"We WANTED our interview with you to be spontaneous and realistic," explained Ezra, "until you went and ruined it. Thanks a lot."
"I do not believe you," glared the guard.
"I'm so bad at improv..." sighed Phineas.
As they talked, everyone snuck behind the guard into the park.
"Would you believe that we're here to sell you soap?" stalled Phineas.
"SOAP?" exclaimed Ezra. "I could have thought of something better than that! What the hell is your problem?"
"I'm trying! I'm trying!"
The guard sat down and watched them argue. "This is quite interesting."
Ezra smiled. "Oh...it is, it? Hey, Phinny! You're a tub of lard!"
"What!" gasped a hurt Phineas, not realizing that Ezra was acting.
"And another thing!" continued Ezra. "Your mama's sooooooooooooooo dumb that people make 'your mama jokes' about her! BURN!"
"I told you I was trying!" said Phineas.
"That's what your mom said in bed last night, but I LEFT HER!"
"Bring it on!"
The two of them sprang at each other and fought. "Wait a second," said Phineas, "she's technically your mom too."
"Oh. Uh...you're still fat!"
"I'll kill you!"
Ezra suddenly stopped and peered over the gate. "Hold on a sec. Is everyone in? Good. Okay, unnamed guard, that about wraps it up for our..."
"Disney 411!" they sang together.
"See you later!" called Phineas. They ran away. Once the guard turned his back, they flew over the gate.
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Meanwhile, Ming-Na and Gus sat in jail. Gus still had the Gameboy. "Dang it! I keep losing to King DeDeDe! How's a penguin so hard?"
"I'm worried, Gus," said Ming-Na. "They could be in trouble. We have to break out! Is your ball and chain heavy enough to smash through a cell wall?"
"Probably...hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Of course!" smiled Ming-Na.
Using the ball, Gus destroyed the Gameboy. "TAKE THAT, DEDEDE!"
"No, Gus..." sighed Ming-Na. She grabbed Gus's ball and chain and smashed through the wall. "We've got some friends to help!"
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Back at Hong Kong, everyone had climbed to the top of the castle. "Okay," said Ezra, "now look for an unlocked window."
Ollie looked down at the park gate. "Better hurry, guys! The thieves are here as well! They've tranquilized the guard!"
"How come we didn't do that?" wondered Sam.
The Toaster walked by. "It's probably too hard for us guys to get drugs."
"I beg to differ." Professor Owl put a few "ingredients" into his drink.
Ezra whipped out a camera. "I'd better take a few pictures of this."
"Hey," said Phineas, "did you really mean that stuff about me being fat?"
"Well, uh...you're not really thin..."
"YOU FEEL PAIN NOW!" Phineas jumped for Ezra, but ended up smashing though the castle's tower and falling through several floors, leaving big holes. He ended up landing on the thieves, who were in the act of stealing the stone dragon.
"Well," sighed Ezra, "I guess that could be referred to as the element of surprise...GET THEM!"
The Disney characters all jumped down and attack the thieves. The room was instantly a battlefield with lots of cartoon slapstick.
"Do something!" cried Carla, shaking off Mr. Toad from her leg. "They're actually doing well!"
"I have an idea," said Darla. "Take off the costumes!"
The girls all took off their (incredibly tight) costumes to reveal underneath that they were Ursula, Madame Medusa, and Helga (from Atlantis) in disguise.
"We've been fighting THEM!" gasped Ezra. "But that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!"
"It cost me a lot to hire them," admitted Nick.
"Man," sighed Ezra, "I shoulda used my hands on the Atlantis woman..."
Helga smiled at him. "Oh, you feel that way?"
"Uh..."
"Then get a load of THIS!" Almost at random, Helga began to take off her shirt.
Helga: What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play
Phineas's eyes widened. "What is she doing...?"
Helga: Life is a Cabaret, old chum
Come to the Cabaret
Ezra freaked out. "Holy crap, she's STRIPPING! YES! I told you! Wait till I tell Ariel about...holy crap, she can't know I watched this!" The ghost frantically covered his eyes. "AAAAHHHHH! Put it back on! Put it back on!"
"Gurgi wants some munchings and crunchings...just not the kind you think."
"Man," said Lampy, "she literally turns me on."
"My antennea just got all hard and stiff," said Radio. "What's that called again?"
"A 'wire.'"
Behind them, Ursula, Nick, and Madame Medusa were quickly sneaking away with the stone dragon, happy to have a distraction.
"Now why can't you have an obsession with her?" hissed Medusa to Nick.
"Because she could kill me in a matter of seconds."
Helga: Put down the knitting
The book and the broom
Time for a holiday
Life is Cabaret, old chum
Come to the Cabaret
Helga tossed her shirt into the crowd of characters, where Kirby vigorously sucked it up.
Meanwhile, the Toaster and the Blanket were sneaking across a ledge over Helga. "I've gotta land myself right on her!" said Toaster. "I can't believe the others, going crazy for a partially naked woman."
"Gee, Toaster," said Blankey, "I always knew you were really a girl!"
"I am not! I'm a guy! ...at least, I think I am."
"Holy crap..." Ezra said, almost completely in a trance, "she's reaching for the bra!"
"We'll be hers in a matter of seconds!" moaned Phineas.
Helga: Start by admitting
From cradle to tomb
Isn't that long a stay
Life is a Cabaret, old chum
Only a Cabaret, old chum
And I love a Cabaret!
At the end of the song, Toaster jumped and landed on Helga's head, knocking her out cold.
"Yay, Toaster!" cheered Ezra. "Let's save that dragon!" All the guys attacked the three remaining thieves.
The four other appliances ran over to their fallen friend. "You okay, Toaster?" asked Kirby.
"How did it feel to actually touch her?" asked Lampy.
As if in response, some warm bread popped out of the Toaster.
"I didn't know you had bread in you!" said Radio.
The Toaster stared at him in a daze. "I...didn't."
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Ming-Na and Gus zoomed down the road in a motorcycle. "Where did we get this again?" called Gus.
"Plot department."
"Oh yeah..."
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Back at the castle, Ezra was sword fighting with Madame Medusa. "En garde!" cried the zany ghost. "This is what I call a fight scene, right?"
The black and white TV was on, and the Brave Little Toaster newsman was reporting. "Welcome to Disney's Wide World of Sports! It's ladies night here, and the guys can't keep their hands off of them!"
"Hey," defended Phineas, "we've gotta fight, right?"
The newsman smiled weakly. "I was talking about Helga's unconscious body."
"Don't judge us!" called Orange Bird.
Managing to avoid the fray so far, Nick had put the dragon on wheels and was quickly rolling it out when Ezra jumped in front of him. "And where do you think you're going?" Ezra pushed the dragon the other way like a hockey puck. "Yee-ha! Let's go, guys!" He climbed onto the dragon and rolled off.
"Over hear!" signaled Phineas. He jumped on the dragon and rode around the castle, occasionally stopping to chase the villains.
"And now the stars from 'America Sings' to give a lesson on fight songs..." announced the newsman.
Sam and Ollie: Go Disney!
Roar down the field
Our team will never fail
Go Disney!
We'll never yield
See how the foe turns pale
Cheer as we march to the fray
Onward to history
All for one we'll fight
Until there's victory at last
For you and me
"Enough fun, Ezra," said Phineas as the two birds sang. "Let's just ride out of here!"
"One more thing..." Ezra held up a camera. "I've been taking pictures the whole time! Mostly of Helga doing the naughty, but we've got all the evidence we need now!"
"Great! You want a shot of you?"
"Love one. Wait, let me pose!" Ezra held his arms out. "I'm flying Jack!"
Everyone cheered as Phineas took the shot and headed for the castle's exit.
All Disney Charactets: Go Disney
Roar down the field...
Suddenly, Nick grabbed a dancing Kirby and used him to suck Phineas right off the dragon. "Nobody move! I've got the ghost, the pictures, and the vacuum!"
"He's got our friends!" shouted Ezra. "I want his head on a platter!"
Nick held up a gun. "...and a gun," he finished.
"And a gun," repeated Ezra, backing up.
"When the guards find you here, you'll be in big trouble!" Nick started to run for it. "Come on, we're getting out of here."
Suddenly, Ming-Na burst through the stained glass windows on the motorcycle and came down on Nick. Phineas and the camera popped out of Kirby.
"Did I miss the fight scene?" asked Gus.
"Afraid so," admitted Phineas. "But we took pictures!"
"Sweet."
Phineas and Ming-Na embraced. Nick started to get up, before Gus dropped his ball and chain on the villain's head. "I feel better now."
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Once again, sorry if anyone was offended.
Oh, and I think they've recently stopped doing the "Disney 411," but it was too fun to resist.
The fight song is on the Muppet Caper's soundtrack, but only an instrumental version plays in the movie.
