CHAPTER 52: THE ONE WHO LEAVES FIRST
The longer Natsu waited for Lucy to come back, the deeper he spiralled into despair. He was swallowed whole in lovesick oblivion as dark as the Void itself, where all the exits were locked and only Lucy held the keys somewhere on the other side. Alone, he kept falling into silent nothingness, kept falling apart in a broken spell he had mistaken for love, yet he still couldn't let it go.
He waited, and he fell.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a spark of hope, a little whispering voice saying that maybe he had connected the false dots. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as he thought. His mother always used to say, 'Don't go setting fires where there's nothing to burn', but he never learned. All he knew in life was how to set a fire. That's how he had solved his problems, watched them burn and turn to coal. But sometimes, it caused more damage to set aflame something that wasn't a problem in the first place.
And this time, he prayed for that little voice to be right, but the spark of hope was slowly fading out.
After realising that Krosulhah was behind Lucy's newfound affection for him, things finally made sense, but in such a heartbreaking way. Ever since Labyrinthian, Lucy had been clinging to his side, to his warmth, and now he knew the reason. But why would the frost dragon be drawn to him, to a mortal who had brought it down from the skies wielding fire, an opposing element? That was still a mystery to him, and would probably remain that way. The minds of the dragons worked in unknown ways, in the end.
Physically, he was still laying down in the bed and staring into the stone ceiling. He hadn't moved since Lucy left, but his mind had raced to the Oblivion and back three times by now. The loaf of rye bread sat untouched on the nightstand, next to the candles that would soon burn out. Natsu hadn't eaten anything today, and didn't think he could. The strangling, churning feeling around his chest had come to accompany the fading headache, as if his insides were crushed by the heaviness of his heart. The fluttering butterflies he had felt last night were now dead.
And he thought that he would be dead too if Lucy wouldn't come back right away, because talking to her would be the only way to stop his descent into madness. But how would he convey this into words? The more he thought about telling her, the more he dreaded losing the way they were now. As if she had gone crazy, and he didn't want her to snap out of it. Because even if this love wasn't real, he still wouldn't want to break it, for it was the only love he had. He'd abide by it. He'd wait in the dark until she'd light the way, for she was the sun and he was just a moon.
However, one thing he had decided: if Krosulhah was truly using him to get another child to fill the empty space after its loss, the dragon would never get that. Maybe that was how he could find out if it was true. So far, Lucy wasn't aggressive in her pursuit of bedding him, but the moment she would get too assertive, too determined, then he'd know he had been right. He would just tell her no. He would keep telling her no, and her response would eventually reveal the truth. Simple and easy.
Well, maybe not so easy, as her seduction techniques were quite effective, but he still wouldn't let that happen, no matter what. He wouldn't let things get too far between them. He wouldn't father a half-Breton, half-Nord, half-dragon, and a quarter-of-a-vampire baby, not ever. The math probably didn't add up, but the mere thought terrified him. He would just think of that, and all these strange desires would magically disappear.
As he had been falling to the Void, he had been thinking of things he had never really thought before. When he had still believed that he wouldn't ever love anyone, he had thought that he'd never have children either, and that had been fine with him. In fact, he had always been repulsed by the thought of becoming a father. His own father was a monster. How could he be any better? These were the wounds he didn't want to pass on to anyone. The easiest way to stop the cycle was to break the wheel completely by not having children. Not being born into this cold, harsh world would be the greatest blessing.
While Natsu had been thinking that way since his mother started knitting those baby socks for Zeref's and Mavis's child, he had felt like he was alone with those thoughts. Igneel never cared about the consequences of his drunken nights, and probably had more bastards than he had fingers. Sometimes he had wondered how they were doing, but otherwise, the Dunmer completely lacked any paternal instinct. Tossing a coin or two to his former lovers was all Igneel did – if he weren't running away from them. More often those lovely elven ladies weren't too happy to bear Igneel's gifts. As they chased Igneel down the streets of the Grey Quarters with knifes ready to cut off his dick, Natsu had decided he'd stay far away from any female courtship.
But now, as Lucy had destroyed everything he had once believed in, he was starting to question that too. Of course, having a child amidst the dragon crisis would be a catastrophe, but what if… what about the time after that? To his surprise, he didn't hate the thought. Didn't feel repulsed by it. For a brief moment, he thought that maybe, probably a decade from now, he wouldn't be as terrible as his own father had been, but a second later he was screaming at himself to stop such madness. He had decided to never get married, to never have children, and even Lucy couldn't change that.
He would just have to make things clear with her right from the start. If she only wanted comfort, then they were on the same page. That he could accept. In time, he would get used to it, but now all of this just made him paranoid. He knew he was overthinking, but he couldn't stop it. His mind wasn't only connecting false dots, but creating them too – soon he would probably think that the fucking Thalmor were using Illusion spells on Lucy to seduce him and then capture him as a prisoner, then torture him to death. That was way too far-stretched, he was aware of it, but all he could do was to nod and agree. Yes, yes, makes perfect sense, absolutely true, please carry on my wonderful, hideous mind.
The bedchamber grew dimmer as one of the candles burned out. Natsu turned his eyes to the nightstand, remembering how long the candles had been when Lucy had left. Now they were all about to go out. She had been gone for too long, and he truly felt tempted to go after her. Damn it, he should've just joined her bath. It would've saved him from this, because her presence was the only thing that made these thoughts disappear. Being alone stoked his anguish like bear fat thrown to fire. He couldn't take it anymore, he just couldn't – and when he was ready to give up and follow her to the damn bath, there was a knock on the door.
Natsu knit his brows. Lucy had the key, so she wouldn't need to knock unless it was one of her new tricks. Hesitantly, he waited for a moment. Someone knocked again.
"Natsu," Gildarts's voice sounded through the door, making the fire mage curse. "I'd still like to talk to you. Alone, this time."
There wasn't urgency in his tone, but persistence instead. He had supposed to have told him everything they needed to know about the war, dragons, cultists, but none of them mattered to Natsu at the moment. What would Gildarts want now? Natsu sighed heavily, but before he could get up, a quiet blast of sorcery forced the door open, making Natsu flinch and scream as Gildarts stepped in.
"What the fuck, man!?" Natsu shouted to the mage. With a smug grin on his face, Gildarts closed the door and rested his back against it. Apparently, regular locks were no match to the master of Alteration, and that terrified him. "You can't just barge in like that! I was just about to fucking open the door –"
"No, you weren't," Gildarts answered, silencing him. "But apparently, I didn't interrupt anything except your beauty dream, so guess we're good for some man-to-man talk."
Natsu rolled his eyes. Fortunately, his headache was fading, thanks to Lucy's spell. Otherwise, he would've thrown a fireball at the old mage. "Make it quick."
"So, tell me, son, how did it go?" Gildarts asked.
"How did what go?"
"You know what I mean. Your first time with a woman, of course."
Natsu buried his face into his hands. He should've guessed Gildarts wanted to talk about this. "It went very well, thank you for asking. If that's all you had, you can fuck off now."
Gildarts furrowed his brow, staring at him with an analyzing gaze and rubbing his bearded chin. "You're still way too grumpy for a man who just got laid. Don't tell me that you didn't –"
"Fuck her? Yeah, I didn't, because I'm not an idiot," Natsu answered with growing anger in his tone. As Gildarts's eyes widened, Natsu sat up on the edge of the bed and rubbed his head. "Why so surprised? Seriously, who do you think I am? I just fucking… can't, you know? Can't risk having a kid now. We got dragons to slay, after all. You of all people should understand that."
Gildarts sighed. "Son –"
"And you don't call me 'son', old man. It's getting on my nerves."
Gildartss was silent for a while. Natsu didn't mean to be so harsh, but he couldn't stand the way Gildarts thought of Lucy as a tavern wench who was only there for him to fuck, as if Natsu was like any other Nord pig. But he was a Breton, gods damn it, and Bretons had manners.
"It's a rough fate you got on your shoulders. I understand. It ain't an easy load to carry," Gildarts said after thinking a little, not that it had helped. He just continued the utter nonsense. "But you've gotta remember what you're fighting for. We're fighting for our lives, and the lives of future generations. Sometimes, you gotta live a little to remember that." Gildarts smiled a bit. "I see you and this Nord girl –"
"Lucy," Natsu corrected. "Her name's Lucy, not Nord girl."
" – you and Lucy, I see you're close. Even a blind man could see that," Gildarts said. "And you still say that she's only a friend."
"Yeah, she is. We're friends. What about it?"
Gildarts glanced at the bruises left by Lucy's kisses down on Natsu's neck. "So, you did the same thing with Igneel then, too?"
Embarrassed, Natsu sighed. "No, of course not. Goodness…"
Gildarts grinned. "You like her, don't you?" he asked. As Natsu stared at him in silence, Gildarts took that as a yes, and continued. "There's no need to be ashamed of that. It's only natural, believe me. She's a pretty lass. Intelligent. If I was a young lad, I'd –"
"Shut up, for fuck's sake. Why do you even care? Take care of your own business."
"Listen to me, Natsu. As a Blade, guiding you is my business. And I believe I'm not wrong to assume that you're in dire need of some guidance," Gildarts said. "I sense so much fear in you, son. You're shitting yourself every time you just look at her, and fear is a path that will only lead to destruction. What is that you're afraid of?"
Natsu chewed his lip in silence. Gildarts wasn't wrong – the man had a gaze as sharp as a hawk's. Natsu was afraid of many things, but as Erza once said to him, fear was not evil. It told him what his weakness was, and knowing that helped him become stronger… or so he told himself. Maybe that was just another lie.
"Did a cat catch your tongue?" Gildarts said and smiled. "Alright, let's go a little back. It's probably frightening enough to have those feelings, isn't it? Besides being sweet on our lovely Mirajane, you just never –"
"I've never been sweet on Mirajane –"
" – well, anyway, it's all new to you, right? You just don't know what to do when you are with a lady you like. Maybe you're afraid that she doesn't feel the same." Fuck. "Maybe you think that she's with you only because you take her on adventures and keep her safe." Fuck. "But most of all, you're afraid of losing her, aren't you?"
… fuck.
Natsu raised his eyes into Gildarts. "Well… yeah, you're right."
"Then it means that you're serious with her. When you fear losing her, you want to keep her by your side, no matter what. And that's why I've got to talk to you." Gildarts sighed, placed his ghostly hand on the wall and cast a spell on the stone. Green light washed around the room, trapping all their words within these walls. "It's a good thing to have someone who gives you strength to fight for our future. But there's always this… possibility that things won't last."
Natsu frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"She fights beside you, right?" Gildarts asked. Natsu answered with a nod. "Is she strong?"
"A lot stronger than you'll ever know."
Gildarts chuckled. "Good. Just know that we have enemies who are also a lot stronger than we'll ever know," he said. "That's why you have to train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose. Fears are most often self-fulfilling. When the fate of the world rests upon your shoulders, you can't place your strength on someone else. Not on a friend. Not on a mentor. Not on a lover."
'Well, the weight of the world doesn't rest upon my shoulders but Lucy's, you goddamn senile bastard,' Natsu wanted to say, but he kept it back. "You think I don't know that?" he hissed. "You mean that if she dies or leaves me, I'll be too demoralized to keep fighting, and the world's doomed. And by your honour as a Blade, don't want that to happen, am I right?"
Gildarts nodded faintly. "Natsu, I know you're against this, but please, hear me out. I don't know how she has survived with you so far, but the days are getting darker. Dangers lurk in every shadow. I don't want you to –"
The old mage's words disappeared under the gushing sound of boiling blood. Natsu stared at Gildarts, saw his lips moving, but he could no longer hear what he spoke. It didn't matter, for each word he muttered was utter horseshit. Gildarts might see them as brats, but he didn't know what they had survived. He didn't know how they had fought against the most desperate odds and still survived.
"I'm not gonna let her die," Natsu growled then, the words feeling familiar on his tongue. He had spoken them before. "If anyone or anything harms a single hair on her head, I'll burn them to ashes. She will not die on me. I've decided that a long time ago. Out of the two of us, I gotta be the one who leaves this world first."
The last sentence left his mouth without thinking, brought to the world by the burst of anger within him. As Gildarts fell silent, Natsu halted too. Had he truly decided that a long time ago? Yes, he had. In Kynesgrove. He remembered the despair, the decision he had made when he had jumped on a dragon's back and started stabbing its neck with an orcish dagger.
I won't let anyone else die in front of my eyes, even if I'll have to die myself.
There had been a fault in his thought. Even after Igneel's death, he had watched people die in front of his eyes. Some of them he had killed himself, without feeling a shiver of guilt or grief. What he had meant by then had been that he wouldn't let anyone he cared about die, ever again. He had barely known Lucy for a week, but he had been ready to die for her life, for her dreams, for her freedom. Maybe he had loved her long before sanguinare vampiris brought those feelings into fruition – and that was the most relieving realisation for today.
"That's a noble thought," Gildarts answered then with strange bitterness in his tone. "But life in Skyrim is short and harsh in times like these."
Natsu shook his head. "I know that, too. Now, tell me, Gildarts, what's your point? What are you trying to achieve with this? Because if you think that she's too weak to go this through with me, then you're so fucking wrong." The old man's silence let him know that he was right. "You're convinced that she's going to die if she sticks along with me, aren't you?"
Gildarts nodded. "I know you feel strongly about her. Love her even, maybe. I am thinking about her safety, and your focus on the mission you have. These two don't go together too well. We're about to kill dragons, after all."
Frustrated, Natsu laughed a bit. "So, you think I'm just gonna leave her here to 'gossip with Juvia' and be fine with it?" Natsu said and spread his arms in enraged wonderment. "Seriously, what the fuck do you know about loving someone?"
"Believe me, I've been young too, once."
"You have, huh? If you can even suggest that I'd just leave her here then you have no fucking idea what it means to –"
"Son," Gildarts growled, frowning. "Careful with what you say."
"I told you not to fucking call me your son!" Natsu shouted at him. "You've been pretending to be my father since I joined the College, but you're just annoying the shit out of me, giving me these useless lessons you could as well wipe your arse with –"
"Natsu, you were just a brat when you came to Winterhold. Someone had to make sure you'd grow into a man –"
"And you thought you had the right to raise me into another Nord pig? You can stop that right here. You treat women like shit, as if they're good for nothing but warming your bed, and that's pissing me off." Natsu rested his ringing head into his palm and squeezed his eyes shut. "You just keep underestimating Lucy, who's the strongest, smartest person I've ever met, then you tell me I should just ditch her into this shithole and –"
"I get it. I get it why you're angry, but I just listen to me –"
"No, you listen to me now!" he yelled. "I'm fucking done with your 'fatherly' lessons. I'm not gonna hear one bloody word from you. I already have a father, and that bastard isn't you. Thank the gods you don't have actual children."
"Natsu –"
"Oh, shit, how can I know? You probably have hundreds of bastards running all around Tamriel. Sorry, I forgot. But what do they matter to you anyway?"
Gildarts's eyes flared up with sudden wrath. "Shut your mouth, boy. Now."
Natsu shrugged, ignoring the rage building up within Gildarts. "I'm right, am I?" he mocked. "You've got dozens of children scattered after your trails, with mothers whose names you never knew, whose faces you can't remember, and you feel bad about it. That's why you keep thinking of me as your son, as a replacement for those you've abandoned. And that's fucking low, man. That's fucking low."
"There is a name I know," Gildarts muttered silently.
"Yeah, yours. Because you're the only person you've ever truly cared about, you selfish, old bastard –"
"And there is a face I see!" Gildarts raised his voice, landing his glare on Natsu. "When I am inside someone, there's only one face I see."
As Natsu realised he had stuck into a hornet's nest, he fell silent. He had never seen Gildarts get truly mad, but now he did, and there was an immeasurable sorrow intertwined into that rage. The man's whole aura changed upon these words he had never uttered before, making Natsu regret everything he had just said.
After a moment's silence, the rage around Gildarts cooled down, fading into grief. The fire died in his eyes as his gaze landed on the floor. He took a long, deep breath, and said, "I know what it's like to love someone, but I also know what it does to a man to lose them. Look at me now. What do you see? What do you think truly happened to me?"
As Gildarts rested his back against the door, Natsu's eyes locked on the ghostly replacements of his lost limbs. He was cut in half, both body and soul, a hollow husk of a man. There was nothing inside, no lights burning in his eyes, only emptiness as cold and vast as the Void. A dragon might've ripped apart his physical form, but a woman had torn his heart – and only now Natsu could understand it. He nodded slightly. Women had the strength of a dragon when it came to tearing apart men's hearts.
"Her name was Cornelia," Gildarts started with a hushed tone, looking down at his feet. "And I still remember her face like it was yesterday, even if it has been over twenty years since I last saw her. She was the prettiest girl in Whiterun. A mercenary's daughter, fierce as a wild beast." He chuckled sadly. "I loved her. She's the only one I ever loved."
Natsu nodded to tell him that he was listening, his enragement turning into curiosity. Though nothing justified the way Gildarts thought about women now, this was the reason behind that – something he had been keeping to himself for gods knew how many years. Secrets were like poison, iron chains around one's throat that slowly choked the life out. If there was any hope of salvation, Natsu wished Gildarts could find that by opening up.
Gildarts sighed and sat down next to the fire mage on the edge of the bed. The candles on the nightstand finally went out, but Gildarts replaced the light by placing tiny magelights on empty candleholders. At least he did that instead of casting a full-sized orb of burning light to the ceiling as he did earlier. Maybe he had some sense of self-preservation left, because casting those little lights was enough to earn a murderous glare from Natsu.
"I met her in The Bannered Mare when I was seventeen," Gildarts said after a little silence, cracking a broken smile that erupted from the memory and withered as soon as it had come. "She was my first, you see. She was like… magic. She just got me under her spell and I never wanted to leave her side. And I didn't, because after a few months, she told me she's with a child." Gildarts grinned. "At this point, I'll have to tell you that back in the day, I didn't even know that's how children were made. I was so surprised when she told me that."
Natsu rolled his eyes and pressed his hands onto his face. "Gods, even I know that."
"Igneel told you, didn't he? That bastard has a dozen bastards in the Grey Quarters, mark my words," Gildarts said and smirked. "But yeah, it was… complicated. I was running away from my Blades ancestry. I never even told her my real name, but I thought I could start my life over with her, leave my past behind. I never married her, but I worked hard, bought us a house, tried to adjust to all that." He looked down and sighed. "But I was still scared as fuck."
"I can just imagine," Natsu answered silently. He would've never believed Gildarts had settled down for family life at the age of seventeen, a year younger than Natsu was now. "Did something go wrong with the kid?"
Gildarts shook his head. "No. Cornelia got moody towards the due time, but I guess that just happens. When her birthing time came, she sent me off to the tavern, got her friends and grandmother to help with it." Gildarts paused for a moment. "Well, I was too frightened to go for a drink, so I just sat on the doorstep all night long. When her grandmother came to toss a bucketful of bloodied water out of the door, I nearly crapped myself. I could hear Cornelia singing, then screaming, all the way to the outside. I was sure she'd die."
Natsu raised his eyes from the floor to the old mage As Gildarts's voice tightened, Natsu knew this story wouldn't have a happy ending. That sounded like a terrifying experience, as childbirth often was. Natsu had heard from his own mother that his birth had been quick, but extremely painful. Late at that summer evening, mother had been picking herbs from the garden to her tea when he had just decided to come to this world. Confused and still in shock, his mother had placed the newborn, pink-haired boy in the herb basket and carried him back home, to show him to his big brother. Mother always laughed when she told him the story.
"Well, did she die?" Natsu asked then, and Gildarts shook his head.
"It was dawn when her grandmother came to tell me that my daughter was born," Gildarts started with a wistful smile. "I rushed into our bedchamber in an instant. Cornelia had lost a lot of blood, but she made it. I barely noticed all those bloody rags and cloths when I found her, for all I could see was the tiny baby on her chest." Natsu gulped. 'Yeah, I'm never having children,' he thought by himself. "I just cried her name, cried from happiness, I jumped and sang around the house. I had become a father. Gods, I even kissed her grandmother. That's how happy I was."
Natsu chuckled silently. It was difficult to imagine Gildarts ever being happy, but perhaps that was what made a person so grim. Tasting happiness just for once, then losing it forever. The smile died on Gildarts's face as he spread his arms, the ghostly one gleaming in the darkness.
"And when I held my newborn daughter in my arms for the first time, that's –" Gildarts started, but suddenly his voice cracked. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked down at his empty arms. "That's when I finally learnt what love truly is." He swallowed a sob, shaking his head. "Gods, how I miss her."
Natsu had never seen the old mage cry, but now he did. His voice faded, vanished into the void the man had turned into. Natsu felt a lump forming in his throat. From those words alone, Natsu knew in that instant that Gildarts had been a good father. No matter what he was now, he had truly loved his daughter – and somehow, Natsu's pity twisted into envy. He took back what he had said. His own father had never held him, and for a brief moment, Natsu hoped Gildarts would've been his father instead.
Natsu stared hollowly as the old man shook while he sobbed, his face buried into his hands. It had been over twenty years, but the love never faded, and neither did the pain. In silence, Natsu wondered if his father's resentment towards him had faded by now, but he knew it hadn't. Since his birth, his father had loathed and despised his very existence, and made painfully clear how much he hated him. Natsu never knew why. Probably because he wasn't Zeref.
Gildarts wiped his eyes into the long sleeves of his robes, pressed his mouth into a thin line and harshened his heart again. "I got to stay with them for the first year," he said with a long, pained sigh. "I got to see how my daughter learnt to walk, learnt to say 'papa', learnt to use two branches as swords. She used to whip me with them when she wanted to play. A fierce little lass. Just like her mother." Then he squeezed his hands into fists. "But then the damn Thalmor…"
Natsu flinched, almost scared to know what happened to his family. He knew little about history, but around twenty years ago the Thalmor agents started raiding across the land, tearing down the worship of Talos, and the remnants of the Blades as well.
"I got a word that those bastards had found my father and killed him. Everything I had left behind, I found in front of me. Hear me, son. You should never forget who you are. Never try to pretend to be something you are not," Gildarts whispered. "I knew they would come after me next. That night, when our daughter was asleep, I told Cornelia that I had to leave. I didn't want to, but I had to keep them safe from the Thalmor's grasp. She knew nothing of my ancestry and couldn't understand why I had to go. I broke her heart. And it broke mine, too."
Natsu nodded slowly. "But didn't the Thalmor find them too, or were they only after you?"
Gildarts knocked his forehead with his ghostly finger. "As I said, we weren't married," he said. "Sometimes, not getting married can save a life." Then the grin was gone. "I disappeared without a trace, and while the Thalmor tried to find me, my family could keep on living. I sacrificed my own happiness for their safety. I did what a father is supposed to do."
Natsu smiled sadly at him. "And your daughter is the only child you have? How is that, considering how many women you've bedded after that."
"There are tricks in the school of Alteration that make sure that a man will never father another bastard," Gildarts said and grinned quickly. Unfortunately for Natsu's sparking curiosity, Gildarts didn't tell more about them. "But I guess you're right. After Cornelia, I've only slept with women to feel someone's warmth in my bed. It fools my mind into believing that I'm still with her."
Natsu fell silent, nervously biting his lower lip. If he'd ever lose Lucy, he knew he could never be with another woman. He most likely wouldn't even live, but if he somehow would, he knew he could never sleep with anyone else and pretend they were her. Yet still, in a certain way, Natsu understood Gildarts now. As the old man had frozen his feelings for his family, he had frozen them for every other woman too. He had torn himself away from the ones he loved, and becoming a cynical, miserable bastard was the only way to cope with that.
"So, listen to me, Natsu," Gildarts started then, stating his story over. "I know I'm not your father, but you've always been like a son to me. You're a good lad. I don't want you to end up like me."
Natsu glanced at him with a small smile. Despite the crossfire they sometimes drifted into, he was glad to hear those words. "Thanks, old man."
Gildarts took a breath and let out a pained chuckle. "Changes come. Life will have its way with your pride. Damn it, life will pound away where the light doesn't shine, and you've gotta take it like a man," he told and looked into Natsu's eyes. "A storm's blowing up your horizon, but it's going to pass. Keep your dignity, and like the rain, this pain will pass away."
Natsu answered with half a smile. Gildarts probably meant to prepare him for the responsibilities and growing pains that came with being the Dragonborn, which he wasn't, wanted to warn him of the storm that was raging up ahead. That was Lucy's storm, but it would rain on him all the same. And he knew they'd both take it. The odds might be against them, but they'd keep their dignity, and it would be alright in the end.
"Hey… I'm sorry, Gildarts, about snapping at you," Natsu said then, looking down. "I get that life has pounded you where the light doesn't shine, but just trust in me, okay? I've got this."
Gildarts nodded. "I know you've got this."
A grin crossed Natsu's face. "And remember, the next time you underestimate Lucy, I'm going to set you on fire. Got it?" he said, and Gildarts answered with a sad grin. "Just how would you feel if someone talked like that about your daughter?"
Gildarts chuckled. "I'd probably set them on fire, too."
Did Gildarts even know if she was still alive? Probably not. However, when he had described his daughter as a fierce lass who whipped him with two branches, that awfully lot reminded Natsu of a certain person he'd met before. Even the age matched, but most of all, Natsu was sure that he had seen that grin on someone else's face.
"What was your daughter's name?" Natsu asked then.
Gildarts looked up to his eyes, hesitating before he finally answered.
"Cana."
Natsu hadn't expected to guess correctly. He gazed at Gildarts, wondering if he truly heard right, but then he realised she just had to be Gildarts's daughter. She had said her father was a nomad mage, but that must've been the lie her mother told her after he left them. Cana had been too young to remember him, but some features were distinct between a father and his daughter. The smug grin on their face, the thirst for alcohol, the loud voice and laughter… Natsu felt almost stupid for not realising it earlier.
"I know her," Natsu told and smiled. "And I met her just recently."
Gildarts's jaw almost fell to the floor.
"Just… what? She's alive?" the old mage stuttered, and for the first time ever, Natsu could see the happy sparkle in his eyes. "Where? Where did you meet her?"
"In Whiterun," Natsu answered. "She's joined the Companions. She said her mother died when she was young, but then she was raised in Jorrvaskr. She fought the Jarl's men with butterknives when they tried to take her to the orphanage."
Gildarts held his hands over his mouth, tears welling up in his eyes again, sadness and joy mixing in them. Hearing about Cornelia's death must feel like twisting a knife in his already broken heart, but he focused on his daughter instead.
"My sweet Cana…" he muttered, shaking his head. "Tell me, did she still laugh as loudly as she did as a baby? Was she as happy as she used to be? I always feared that it wrecked her to lose her papa…"
Natsu smiled. "She's the loudest girl in Jorrvaskr, I assure you. And she seemed very happy to me." For a moment, he felt tempted to tell that Cana had made out with Lucy and invited him along, but he decided it was better to leave that detail out. "I can tell her your regards if I ever cross paths with her again."
Gildarts shook his head. "It's better not. If she's gotten used to my absence, maybe it's best not to tear those wounds open. But maybe… Maybe if I travel past Whiterun one day, I'd like to see how she's grown up. Just see with my own eyes that she's… alive." Gildarts wiped his eyes again, glancing up at Natsu. "Thank you for letting me know. It really… it really matters the world to me to know she lives. The Thalmor hadn't found her, and that's the most important thing to me."
Just when Gildarts thanked him, Natsu's smile died. The memories of Jorrvaskr that played inside his head were replaced with the vision of black smoke columns rising skywards from Whiterun. There was no guarantee Cana was still alive, even if it had been just a month since Natsu had seen her. How cruel it would be to spark up hope in the broken man's heart only to have it smothered when he'd find out that his daughter had died. Natsu hoped Cana hadn't been in Whiterun at that time, or if she was, she hadn't joined the battle. She wasn't a Circle member, right? Then she should be safe…
Gildarts sat there for a moment in perfect silence. His eyes still watered, but those weren't tears of sorrow. After he had gathered himself, he stood up and patted Natsu's shoulder.
"I wish I never left them," Gildarts said. "I should've stayed with them. Instead of running away like a coward, I should've killed every man who would've tried to harm a single hair at Cornelia's or Cana's head. I should've been the first of us to leave this world." Then he walked to the door. "So, stay with her, Natsu. Even if you're afraid, stay with her. Don't die with regrets in your heart, because not a single day passes by when I don't regret leaving them behind. Protect what you love, son."
Natsu nodded, but didn't say anything, because before Gildarts could open the door, Lucy opened it. Gildarts made room for her to step in, smirked at Natsu, and then he left the chamber. Lucy blinked in confusion as the door was closed behind her.
"Well, now I know why you didn't come after me. Damn Gildarts," Lucy chuckled. The warm bath had made her cheeks rosy, and water was dripping from her hair to the white cotton dress she had changed into. As Natsu watched how the wet cloth glued on her skin, he quickly forgot all about the old Blade. "What did you talk about?"
Natsu shook his head and extended his arms towards her. "Come here."
She smiled, wiping a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, then she walked to him. Still sitting on the edge of the bed, Natsu wrapped his arms around her and pressed the side of his face against her stomach. She smelled different now, of strongly scented soap, but Natsu didn't mind that. He was so glad she was finally back.
"What is it?" Lucy asked, softly stroking his head.
Natsu remained silent. 'What can I even say?' he thought by himself, clinging on her like she was his anchor. 'I just need you, Lucy, I need you like a baby, and that terrifies me. I'm just so fucking terrified that I can't even tell you, 'cause the moment I will, it's gonna become real. Just why aren't you as afraid as I am? Don't you feel the same? Don't you love me the way I love you? Aren't you as torn apart by the thought of losing me as I am about losing you? Or are you just using me? Deceiving me? Just don't tell me that once you no longer need me, you'll abandon me, because I –"
The endless stream of thoughts vanished when Lucy caught his chin and gently turned his face up so that she could look at him into the eyes. She smiled, tracing her thumbs across his cheeks. "It's alright. I'm here now," she whispered.
Much later, Natsu hoped he would've listened. He hoped he would have believed, surrendered, let the feelings flow on their own without being held back by his fear. He hoped he had known that in time, despite all the distress, these few days would turn into precious memories he'd cherish for the rest of his life.
A/N: Hi guys, hope you liked the chapter!
So, this was supposed to be the final scene of the previous chapter, but due to its length, I decided to cut it and post as a separate chapter. I really like Natsu's and Gildarts's relationship in Fairy Tail, and I wanted to bring some of that here. Natsu really needed to talk to someone else than Lucy, and I think this conversation with Gildarts was very important for him. For the past month, I've been listening to "Puscifer - Momma Sed" song, (Thanks to waywardego for sending that to me) and I took direct quotes from it to this chapter.
This was also the last chapter of the events that started with chapter "A Cornered Rat", as all these have sort of belonged under one umbrella of story/character development, and we'll be moving on to the next story part in the next chapter. There is going to be more action very soon ;)
Next up: Honorhall
