Hesitation

The well.

Everything that is horrible in my life and everything that is wonderful had begun here. It was here that my life had changed forever; and here that I am drawn back to time and time again to walk down the road of ancient times, to battle against demons and creatures of darkness, to see those who have become closer than friends in my heart and those that I would give more than my life for.

So many times I have jumped down into the depths of this well without reservation. So many times had I even been excited to see once again the world lying just beyond the magical boundary. So many times that I have lost count, have I made this journey to the past and to my destiny.

Why then now do I pause? Why then now do I fear what will come? Why?

I was leaving my family behind again, but I have done so many times and still never had I felt this way. They knew nothing of the coming battle, and it was my wish that they remain in the dark. Sesshomaru had awoken me just as my family began to stir for the day. I reluctantly pulled away from my terribly comfortable living pillow, hastily changed my clothes and brushed my hair, and then we had left as quickly and quietly as we had come. My family would never even know that I had returned.

It was for the best. I could not cause them any more worry than they no doubt already suffer due to my long absences and the unpredictability of the world in which I travel. I want for them to be happy as they have always been; I want them to be able to continue with their lives without the fear that would be invoked should I tell them of all the horrors which I face.

I knew in my heart that I could not leave them with the knowledge of what I was about to walk into; so then it was not what I was leaving behind which made me hesitate, but what was still to come.

No matter how hard I fought to rid myself of the terrible feelings that had arisen in me, I could not. The doubt, the fear, the anxiety, and the crushing feeling of hopelessness and despair had begun to consume me. I was terrified of facing my enemy, of not being able to stand before him, of not being able to put an end to his wicked reign, of letting down those who had relied on me for so long, of loosing my friends to the battle, of loosing myself in the wake of the invoked magics.

So much pain had already come to pass because of that hideous beast. So many deaths and so much loss have been endured such that the hearts of all left in the wake of his evil had been darkened by their hatred of that vile creature. How many more would fall before it would all come to an end? How much more pain must be endured?

Would I be strong enough to face him in the end? Would I find what I needed before it was too late?

This was one of the final steps in my journey. This passage through the well would be one of my last. Though Sesshomaru had given me his word that I would return, I still was unsure. He didn't know that it was the power of the jewel which allowed me to pass through the time portal. If the jewel were to be destroyed in the battle, if I was unable to reclaim it, if my wish was not pure, or if I was not strong enough; there may be no way home for me, there may be no more time for me.

I shouldn't dwell on things which I may have no control over, but still I can not help myself.

So much is riding on this final experiment. And though the oracle had told us we would be able to draw out Naraku, she had also warned us that he would be prepared for us. He would be waiting for us to make our move, and though we were the ones setting the trap; I can't shake the feeling that we are still being played as pieces in his wicked game.

Will we be ready when the game has come down to the final move? Will I be ready to close the door on this adventure forever?

Is there hope for us still? Can light truly prevail when surrounded by darkness?

And so I pause. Consumed by thoughts of what may come and what may be lost. Plagued by uncertainties of my abilities, my strength, and my resolve. Lost in a tangled web of doubt and of pain. But still there is more.

What will I do if I can never again see those that have come to love? What will happen to them should fate not allow me to remain?

My darling Shippo; I've loved you like a son, and every day I fear the time that we may be separated and that you will be forced to live again on your own without the comfort and love of a family. I fear what may become of a child, of a kit, that has no one and nothing but the memories of what was lost. When I found you, you were seeking revenge against those that had taken your father from you. Now you have that revenge, but because of me you have been dragged into so many other battles, seen so many things that your young, innocent eyes should never have to see. And now that the end is near, what will be left for you if your new family is taken as well? Will you manage to find the way on your own?

Sango: my friend, my sister. Everything you have known, and everything you have loved has been taken from you. You are so strong, and yet your heart is so fragile. I can see it when I look at you; that haunted look in your eyes that speaks of one that has accepted the inevitability of their fate. You will give your life to see that Naraku is destroyed. And if he should fall before you, you are prepared to die along side Kohaku if you can not free your brother from Naraku's curse. I can't even say how much it pains me to see such a strong woman broken piece by piece by something as horrible as what has been done to Kohaku. Will you loose what is left of your will to live if in taking the final shard from your brother takes from him the life you have fought so long to preserve? Will you be able to go on if there is nothing left of your family and your past?

Miroku: my teacher, my comrade, my friend. You have lived a cursed life; every day uncertain whether that day shall be your last. You always seem so happy and carefree, and yet I know the truth. I know that behind the smiles and the laughter there is a man in great pain. A man so afraid to get close to anyone because he knows that he will ultimately be a danger to anyone caught in the pull of the wind tunnel when it finally stretches too far and draws you into the void as it had your father and grandfather before you. You want so badly to love, but at the same time are so afraid that you would and end up leaving that person with nothing to remember you by but another curse left by you to your own child; that you would seek to push anyone away that has gotten too close by your untamable lecherous ways. What will you do if the curse can not be broken? Will you still deny yourself love and happiness to spare others?

And Inuyasha; I don't even know where to begin with you. You have lived a life of such solitude and such pain that I can't even begin to fathom the depths of your hatred for what you are. I know why you wanted to become a full demon; you thought it would put an end to all the pain. When you finally found the way to make it so; you found love instead and for a time were allowed to be happy. But your happiness was never to last. Like all others in your life that had loved you, Kikyo was taken from you. Her betrayal broke your heart as surely as the betrayal she believed you had done had broken hers. Star-crossed lovers cursed by the hands of fate, and then you were left alone again. No matter how much I have tried to make you see your worth, no matter how much love I have given freely to you; I know that I can never heal the wounds so deeply engrained in your soul. What will be your choice when the final battle is over? When the one who stole your chance at happiness from you is destroyed will you seek to end your suffering and hers by going with her to the afterlife?

My friends, what will become of you? If I could, I would stay with you until the pain had eased and you were able to stand on your own again; but I do not know if that will be an option left for me when this is all over. All I can do is hope that all the pain you have suffered will not be so much as to make you lose yourselves; for you are all so wonderful and so precious that it would truly be a sin if the world could not be graced with your light beyond this horrible trial.

I know I must be strong. I must be there for them in their time of pain because that time is upon us. I must be ready, but I feel so alone. I feel so lost. Someone please, help me.

"Kagome."

His voice was like a safety line catching me in my fall. He pulled me back from the precipice and held me with a strength so powerful that it took away from me the feeling of teetering on the edge and gave back again the feeling of standing on the ground. I took from him the sturdiness he offered. I took from him the safety and the warmth that had eluded me. I collapsed in his hold, letting go of all the restraints holding me back; giving over to him my trust to not let me fall.

"Do not allow yourself to be burdened by what has yet to come." His voice was soft, but steady; and there was nothing in the world for me in that moment but the low vibrations of that sound and the hope that it lifted within me. "The others will have their own choices to make. You have done all you can for them. Now you must do what you can for yourself. You are strong, you will prevail."

I don't know how he knew what I was thinking, but I couldn't have been more grateful for the fact that he was there. I had thought I was alone, but he had never left me. He was here for me when I needed him the most. The others couldn't have understood how much I take on their troubles as my own, but he did because he had done the same. He had fought battles that were not his own to see the lives of others preserved. He had made sacrifices as well for the land he loved, the people inhabiting it, and for his family, his pack.

"You are not alone, Kagome. I will be there with you until the end."

He took hold of my chin and lifted my face to look at him. I knew that my eyes were red, and my cheeks stained with my flowing tears; but he did not look upon me with distain or repulsion for my weakness. The ice was stripped away from his golden eyes revealing the softened amber beneath that was compassionate and kind.

"This battle may not be of our choosing, but the outcome is ours to determine. You must believe that you are strong enough to overcome this trial, or it will break you. Have faith, as I do, that victory is in hand; that we shall bring an end to the madness."

I shall never know how he can be so strong in the face of such horrors or how he could seemingly read my mind and know exactly what say to alleviate my fears; but after what he had said, I found that I did have faith. I had faith again in the will and determination of my friends. I knew that they would not let the darkness consume them and that they would find a way to overcome the pain. I had faith again in myself. I knew that I was capable of so much more that I had already done and that not only could I find the strength I needed, but that I already possessed it.

But what surprised me the most was the faith that I found I had in him. I knew he would be true to his word and be there with me through the hardest and darkest times in the battle to come. I knew that he would do everything in his immeasurable power to bring to us the victory he was so certain of. And I knew that even if we were to be separated, that he would never be far from me; for he had found a place within my heart.

I took a deep breath to clear away the lingering feeling of my doubts and fears. When all that was left in me was my resolve, my determination, and my faith in the strength of those who would stand with me, I stepped away from him and his comforting embrace to stand again on my own.

"I'm ready." My voice was strong and sure, and I left no room for doubt; for there was none. The final battle was at hand, as I was ready to face it.

We turned together towards the well. He slipped his arm around me and took us in to the portal that would bring us to face our destiny.

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I don't even know what to say after that. In fact, it's amazing I can still see the keys on my keyboard given all of the tears in my eyes. Bet you didn't think I had it in me to be so tear-jerkingly-sad. Well it's not over yet. The roller-coaster ride has just begun. You will laugh, you will cry, you will be happy and sad. Such is the way of My Experiment.

Cheers.

ShadowsWeaver1

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of the characters I am about to weave into my web of chaos. Any and all definitions have been taken directly from Wikipedia the online encyclopedia because I am far too lazy to do any further research to support my Inuyasha obsession.